Chapter 36 – Without Him
They were all whispering
about her. Buffy could hear them. Their voices were buzzing with concern and
annoyance because she wasn’t acting like they wanted her to. Someone in her
situation should be hysterical and needing vapors or some other such silly
things. She should be crying and wailing because Spike was…no, he wasn’t. That
was the problem. She refused to believe that he was gone.
Spike had promised to return
to her. He had vowed to be with her again so they could start their life
together. He wouldn’t lie. He would return to her. It was just a matter of time
before they found him. He had a life jacket on, so it wasn’t like he wasn’t
without any protection. She sighed and took a sip of water as she tried to
gather the courage to return to the bosom of her friends and family. They were
suffocating her, trying to console someone who hadn’t given up like they had.
Why didn’t he hurry? She
needed him. If only there was a way to pass the time until he came home. Her
eye caught the bottle of pain pills in her mother’s purse on the counter. It
would only take one or two and she would be blissfully unaware of anything for
a little while. When she woke up, Spike would be there to hold her. She took a
quick look around but she was alone in the O’Connor’s kitchen. Her hand shook
as she picked the bottle up. So easy to make everything go away. Tears filled
her eyes and she silently cursed Spike for not coming home.
“What the hell are you
doing?” Angel asked, grabbing her wrist. He wrenched the bottle from her hand.
It was tossed onto the counter then he shook her like she was a disobedient
child. “Is this how you’re going to honor Spike? By killing yourself.”
“Let go of me,” Buffy
hissed, pulling away from him. She was just so tired. She just wanted to curl
up next to the man she loved and sleep but he wasn’t there. “Leave me alone.”
She rubbed her forehead as she tried to clear her mind. “Spike is coming home
and I wasn’t going to kill myself.” Her words were said with quiet determination
to not only convince Angel but to remind herself. She had to hold onto those
truths.
Angel tried to hug her but
she stepped back. It would be too easy to let the others convince her of the
worst.
“Buffy,” Angel said,
reaching for her. “It’s been almost eight hours and nothing. It would be…”
“No,” Buffy said, running
around him to head for the living room. “I’m not going to give up.”
Her father was there to
catch her. His arms holding her but she broke free to face them.
“Sweetheart, we’re not trying
to get you to give up but,” Giles said, stroking her hair. “Maybe it’s better
if you at least accept the fact that maybe…”
“He’s not coming back,”
Buffy snarled, surprising even herself with the rage she felt against her
friends and family. For the first time, she turned to face them, without their
best interest in mind. “Yes, Buffy, give up so that we can shove you back in
that soddin’ peg we expect you to be in. You can go back to being our good
little girl that doesn’t stay in motels with men, that doesn’t fall in love and
go away, the girl who doesn’t have any dreams except to take care of everybody
else. I’m not her anymore.” She straightened as she realized she wasn’t. “Spike
is the first one that really saw who I was and wanted me to be that person. He
loved me…me. I didn’t have to be the good girl, or the stupid virgin, or the
best friend, I could just be Buffy. And he asked me to believe in him and I’m
going to. Until they show me his dead body, I’m waiting until he comes home to
me.”
“We’re not trying to make
you give up on him,”
“If he’s dead,” Buffy said,
her heart closing up. She needed to be alone. This wasn’t helping but she
needed to finish saying her peace. “Don’t any of you think I deserve a miracle?
Mom survived, Faith’s getting married and having a baby, Angel is starting over
in
Without another word,
without looking back or listening to their protests, Buffy grabbed her purse
and ran out the front door. It was time to go home, back to where Spike would
return to her one way or another. He had promised so she had no doubt he would.
“B, wait,” Faith called,
running out into the dawning new day. “Are you okay to drive?”
The question surprised her
and she nodded. Faith’s hand curled around Buffy’s arm that rested on the car
door.
“Look be careful,” Faith
said, kissing her cheek. “I love you and I understand.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said,
shifting the car into reverse. The first tears burned at her eyes as her friend
stepped back and waved her good-bye. The day was clear with no indication of
the squall that had passed through the night before. She slipped her sunglasses
on and hit the play button. The sounds of Dido filled the car as Buffy turned
onto the highway that ran along the coast.
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover’s gone
No earthly ships will bring him home again
Bring him home again
Her finger hit the eject
button, grabbed the CD and tossed it like a Frisbee toward the beach.
“Damn manic depressive
bitch,” Buffy muttered, pressing the gas pedal down. “First she was singing the
ship wasn’t bringing him home, now it’s all about her going down with it. Make
up your frickin’ mind.”
The wind tossed her hair
around her face as she raced for home. The warmth of the morning air was
chasing away the coldness that had taken a hold of her heart. Somewhere out
there in that vast expanse of ocean was Spike. Her soul told her he was still
alive, still loving her and she just needed to hold on until he found his way
back to her.
~~~~~~~
The house was dark and cool.
Buffy shivered as she put her purse down on the small table by the front door.
Spike and she had talked about replacing it with a hall tree with a bench. It
was one of their plans for when he lived with her all the time. They were going
to scour the flea markets and antique malls to find furniture for the house
they had both fallen in love with. She put her shoulders back, sternly telling
herself that it was a dream that they would still live.
With heavy footsteps she
made her way to the bedroom. A nap, if it was possible, would feel good. To lie
wrapped around his pillow…
“No, no, no,” Buffy wailed,
running the last few feet to her room. Something so simple was ripping her
heart in two. She had done laundry yesterday morning, and had changed the
sheets on the bed. He would have teased her unmercifully if he found out that
she hadn’t changed his pillowcase the entire time he was gone. Lying there in
their bed with her nose buried in the pillow gave her comfort as she inhaled
his scent. It hadn’t been a dream like she had prayed. Their bed was crisply made
up with the new sheets and comforter she had bought in masculine green and burgundy.
It was new smelling with no imprint of their love on the material to remind her
that he had been there.
Mr. Gordo stared up at her
from the pillow and she swallowed back a sob as she curled up on the foreign
entity that by now should smell of their sex. Spike should be there, his nude
body pressed against hers, while they talked sleepily of their plans for the
day. She would even take screaming at him, up and down the hallway, just so
that he was there. Larger than life, whether they were fighting, loving,
playing or talking, was the man she loved. He filled up all the empty places
inside of her.
“Oh, Mr. Gordo, I miss him
so much,” Buffy cried, cuddling her stuffed toy to her chest. Something drifted
to her and she lifted the pig to her nose. There against the soft fur of his
coat was the scent she had been looking for. Spike. And her tears fell in
fevered anguish that they were separated. She didn’t know if he was suffering
and frightened, needing her and she couldn’t be there to take care of him. She
gave in to her emotions, letting the tears come until she fell into an
exhausted sleep.
~~~~~~~
The phone was ringing again.
Buffy knew it was probably her mother or father, one of her friends or even
Captain Roberts again. All of them had called to offer sympathy, support, and
their best wishes that Spike would be found. She had whispered the words to
tell them politely, thank you, she was fine, bearing up under the uncertainty
quite well, but no, she didn’t want any company, to leave the house or any
food. Every time she would find
sanctuary in the peaceful abyss of Spike centered dreams, it would be shattered
by someone else calling. She didn’t know what time it was, only that the day
had to be ending now, but her hand dutifully reached for the phone. Maybe it
was news, good news, it wasn’t.
“Hello,” Buffy said, wiping
the sleep from her eyes and the hair back from her face.
“Is this Buffy?” an
unfamiliar voice asked.
“Yes, who’s this?” Buffy
responded, her heart pounding a little faster as she felt it in her heart.
Hope.
“It’s Emily, Spike’s
cousin.”
Buffy crashed again. She
sucked her lower lip between her front teeth as she crossed her legs and the
fingers of her free hand worried the bedspread.
“Hi.”
“Angel called me,” Emily
said, her voice cracking under her own grief. It made Buffy feel like a heel
because Emily was family to Spike. She wasn’t. She was only the girlfriend.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s me that should be
telling you that.”
“Why?” Emily asked, and
Buffy could hear the confusion in her voice. “You love my cousin, don’t you?”
“More than anything,” Buffy
said, hearing her voice crack. “I’m so confused.”
“Angel said that you still
believe that Spike will be found.”
“I have to…I do…he has to be
found.”
“You keep on believing
then,” Emily said. “Don’t listen to anything but your own heart.”
“Thank you,” Buffy choked
out. “I needed to hear that…just someone to say…”
“I know. Buffy, I want to
say thank you. William was gone from me for so long. That dreaded girl took him
away from his family and you gave him back. You believed in him and that has
meant so much to him. He was always so afraid that no one would ever love him.
That he would always be alone like he was…” Emily stopped as she burst into
tears. “Like he was when he was a kid. Always was dreaming of a golden hair
princess that would make everything okay and he found what he was looking for.”
“All I did was love him,”
Buffy said, wiping the tears from her own face. “He’s been a pain in the ass
sometimes but he kept coming closer until he was all…mine. Oh, god, Emily, I
need him…”
“I know, baby, I know,”
Emily said, with a loving mother voice that reassured Buffy that she wasn’t
wrong to hope for his return. “Look, this may not be the right time but I think
it will help. I signed release forms to have Will’s belongings from the ship
given to you. I’m still listed as next of kin so they called me. There’s
something in there I think you need. And…and, look this is hard but William
changed his will while he was here. If…if the worst happens, everything he had
is yours.”
“No, I couldn’t,” Buffy
declared, not wanting anything but him. It was never about anything but love.
“He’ll be back and we don’t need to have this conversation.”
“I know but, somewhere in
the back of your mind, if you’re worried about money then don’t be. It’s all
legal and proper if and when the day comes.”
Buffy nodded then remembered
Emily couldn’t hear her and she whispered, “Thank you.”
~~~~~~~
Footsteps.
There were footsteps in the
hallway.
Spike was home.
Buffy scrambled from the bed
and ran to find him. It had been almost forty-eight hours since she had
received the call to go to the O’Connor’s and he was finally home. The figure
was too big and she blinked, trying to focus. It was Angel. Her hand moved of
its own accord. She slapped him, making him recoil from the impact. He looked
at her in, not fear, but not anger. It was pity.
“You son of a bitch,” Buffy
screeched. “How dare you come in here and scare me like that? I thought it was
Spike. Oh my god, I thought he was home.”
A sob caught in her throat
and she wrapped her arms around her middle, backing up until she hit the wall.
It was then that she saw
Angel picked her up. Too
tired to fight or protest, Buffy let herself be taken into the living room and
put on the couch. The tears were slowing for now. A blanket was tucked around
her and
“Buffy,” Angel whispered. His
hand moved to cradle her face. “Why didn’t you let us be here?”
“You want him dead.”
“No, we don’t”
Buffy gave a choked
laughter. She had missed them. She had needed them but had been afraid if she
had said something then she had to admit Spike wasn’t coming home.
“He was…is my friend, too,”
Angel said, reaching down to grab Spike’s overnight bag to put on her lap. “I
asked the shipping line if I could bring it to you.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said,
looking up at her friend. She tugged him down to sit next to her. For a minute
or two she just ran her hand over the outside, inhaling deeply of the man and
the sea that clung to it. Finally, with trembling fingers, she pulled the
zipper back. There it was strong. His scent came to her from clothes that
needed washing, his personal things, things he had touched. They had stripped
his locker and packed it all away. Masters
Shipping wasn’t expecting him to survive either. They wanted to arrange a
service. Buffy had hung up on them.
Buffy pulled out the packet
of pictures sitting on top. Some still had tape on them as she went through
them. There was a picture of what she assumed was Emily and her family, a
picture of the guys on a pier somewhere in the world. Spike was laughing and
had his arm flung around Angel. Her men. They had needed and loved each other.
Buffy leaned into Angel, recognizing and accepting that her friend was hurting
too. There were the pictures of her too. Some of the silly ones, some of the
racier ones and she wasn’t even embarrassed as she thumbed through them. She
was a woman who loved a man with all of her. The evidence of that trust in
these pictures of her half-dressed or in lingerie didn’t do anything but make
her ache for something she had only started to enjoy. There were his two
pictures of them from the photo booth. She handed them to
They all laughed as she
pulled out a pile of panties.
“I wonder what the captain
thought of those when he saw them,” Angel said. “I think he thought we were
lovers or something. Well, as long as he knows I was the man in the
relationship.”
“Pig,” Buffy said, sorting
through them until she recognized the musk that clung to a couple. The pair she
had slipped into his jeans the night of their party. The pair he had coaxed her
into giving him before he left on the ship the last time. She had just
swallowed his cum and he teased her saying he knew she was all wet. He wanted
to carry that evidence with him. She took the pile and tossed them on the
floor. The duster had been carefully folded and was on top of his clothes. On
the bottom were his ‘off’ clothes, jeans, t-shirts, his boxers and a pair of
the sleep pants she had given him. The uniforms were gone but she didn’t want
them anyway. Underneath it all was his journal. His handwriting promising
secrets she had never been privy to and she shoved it back in. He’d be back and
would be pissed if he knew she had read the entries.
The side compartments held
his toiletries. She never knew how personal things like these were. They had
touched his body, taken care of his body, the razor, the soap, the lotion, nail
clippers and it was holding a pair of tweezers that she broke down. He had this
hair that grew on his shoulder. He hated it and had made her tweeze it the last
time he had been there. They had been so silly because she had named it. Little
Spike. It was trying to grow out of his shoulder and make a duplicate of him.
“Buffy, there’s something
else,” Angel said, wiping the tears from her face. “It was in the Captain’s
safe and he gave it to me when I picked the bag up.” He reached into his pocket
and pulled out a ring. Buffy’s sniffled and watched in amazement as the diamond
ring was slipped onto her right hand. “Only Spike can put it on your left.”
Angel said, his thumb stroking the ring. “He showed it to Wes and me in
“He was going to ask me to
marry him?” Buffy asked in wonder. It couldn’t be. Spike had just said he
wasn’t ready.
“Yeah, he was,” Angel
confirmed, pushing her hair out of her face. “I think being with Emily and her
family made him realize how much he really wanted it.”
The tears returned and Angel
pulled her tight against him. Willow was molded to her back. They held her,
cried with her, and later were there for her while they talked. Buffy knew they
needed her as much as she needed them. It was time.
~~~~~~~~
The room was still dark but
Buffy knew it was morning. She blinked into wakefulness as she rolled onto her
back. It had been more than two days without word. She repeated her vow from
last night.
“It was time.”
It didn’t make it any easier
to force her body from the bed or for her to walk into the bathroom and turn
the shower on. She peeled the tank top and panties she’d been wearing from her
body. They reeked, she reeked, and she giggled. Spike wouldn’t have embraced
her smelling like that. He would have gagged. The decision to take a shower and
get dressed was a good one. When he came home she’d smell good.
The water was hot, easing
the ache from her body that had lain too long in bed. Buffy stretched, waking
up and automatically reached for her body soap. Her hand hovered, stopped and
returned to pick up the bar soap that Spike always used. Irish Spring. She had
sworn she would change his habit into something better but knew she never would
now. This was Spike. Her nose pressed into his skin would detect this soap on
him. It was something she wished she had now as she lathered her body.
Buffy felt better after she
had finished. Her teeth had been growing fur and her hair had been hopelessly
tangled. Dressed in a pair of her jeans and one of his t-shirts, she returned
to make the bed. The duster had been her blanket last night and she hung it
carefully in the closet. He would be heart broken if something happened to it. The
bed was stripped and remade. Now she had laundry to do again. She sighed as she
carried it to the small laundry room off the kitchen. The sheets were shoved in
the machine and Buffy started the cycle.
Her stomach growled
obviously aware that…
It was time to start.
The refrigerator was fully
stocked. Spike had sent her an email with a detailed list for her to go grocery
shopping with. He was going to make her Shrimp Alfredo from scratch, with a
salad and toasted French bread. Now, it wasn’t going to happen. At least not with that shrimp, Buffy
thought as she sniffed it. It was going bad. She wrinkled her nose as she put
it back on the shelf and made a mental note to throw it away after breakfast.
Determined to eat, Buffy toasted herself a bagel, and grabbed an apple but only
managed a few bites of each. She hadn’t even sat down but leaned against the
counter. The dishes were put in the sink for later.
It was time to start living.
Buffy finished making her
tea and took it out to the back patio. The wind softly played with her hair as
the first light of day peeked out from behind the house. Aching to breathe
fresh air, Buffy stepped down into the soft sand that led to the shore. Her
bare toes sunk into the powdery substance as she made her way down to the
water’s edge. Somewhere out there was the man she loved and it was becoming
harder to cling to the thought that with only a life jacket he had survived. The
tears didn’t come as she sat just out of the water’s reach. The Coast Guard had
stopped looking yesterday. The boats and helicopters had made their final
sweeps, admitted defeat, and had headed home.
She sipped her tea and tried
to make sense out of what happened. Spike was a hero. He had gone overboard
because he had chosen to not only protect his friend but the entire ship. They
wanted to honor him with a ceremony, a memorial service that would allow his
crew mates to grieve and pay homage to their friend. Buffy made another note to
call Captain Roberts and apologize for her behavior when they had spoken. She
swallowed as she realized she was going to let them go ahead and that she
wanted to be there.
The tea cup was put down
between her feet and she loosely wrapped her arms around her knees. She finally
admitted a few truths to herself. She loved Spike, would always love him, and
no matter what she would always hold out hope that he would return to her.
Nothing had changed since the night she said, “Until they show me his dead
body, I’m waiting until he comes home to me”. But she also knew…
It was time to start living
her life without him.
to be continued…
