The door swung open and his friends came wandering in. They were laughing and chatting about some mundane topic. Only one of them stopped when he saw his friend staring out the window.
“What’s up, man?”
“Just thinkin’. Sounds like you guys had fun.” He still stared out the window aimlessly.
“You should have come.”
“Next time, JC. Definitely next time.” He finally turned and met eyes with his friend. JC had a concerned look on his face that was becoming all too familiar. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“How else am I supposed to look at you? I worry about you, J.”
“You shouldn’t. I don’t need you hovering over me like I’m a child.” His words were full of anger.
JC sighed and walked out of the room. Every attempt he made was futile.
Later that night, things were tense as the five guys sat at the dinner table. Nobody knew exactly what to say, nobody made eye contact, nobody really even ate. It was almost a relief when the phone rang to break the silence. Chris practically ran out of the room to get it. He returned only a few minutes later without even saying a word.
Joey fiddled with his fork trying to amuse himself. “Sooo, you gonna tell us who was on the phone?”
Chris looked up at him, thankful that someone had finally said something to end the silence. “Just Johnny. Calling to get an update on how things were.”
“And you told him . . what?” JC interjected.
“That we were still getting our heads together. We weren’t rushing.” Nothing was said after that. One by one, the guys left the table and went to their rooms. This no-talking game went on for several days. Everyday the four guys would go out to have fun, do promotions, or anything to keep themselves busy. Justin rarely went. Rather, he stayed at the house wasting the day away. Sometimes JC would stay home with him. But it never really mattered. Justin didn’t want to do anything, he wouldn’t say anything, and he certainly wouldn’t listen to JC try and help him. There was a huge distance between Justin and the other guys. They all knew it, yet no one was able to change it. A week had gone by at the beach house and nothing had been accomplished. Justin sat once again by the window lost in his thoughts. When Chris tapped him on the shoulder, Justin jumped in shock.
“Sorry. Just wanted to let you know we were back. I called your name. Didn’t you hear me?”
“Nah, I’m just kind of out it.”
“I noticed. We’ve all noticed, Justin. What’s going on with you?”
Justin immediately became defensive. “Nothing. I’m fine. Damn.”
Chris rolled his eyes regretting even asking. JC walked in to see what was going on after hearing Justin yell. Chris looked at him and shook his head. They all knew that one way or another things were going to have to be talked out. Before JC could even say a word, Justin muttered something so quiet that he couldn’t make it out.
“What was that?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Now Chris was the angry voice in the room. “We just got here a week ago.”
“I have a flight out tomorrow. I can’t be here.”
“Why did you even have us come out here then? I don’t even fucking know you any more, Justin. And right now, I’m glad you’re leaving.” Chris turned and walked out of the door, obviously angered.
JC stood there just staring at Justin. He tried somehow to gauge how he was feeling. There seemed to be absolutely no emotion on Justin’s face. He merely stared out the window like he did every day. Several minutes passed before Justin turned to see that JC was still in the room. He had been so quiet that Justin assumed he walked out with Chris.
“Say whatever you’re thinking. I know you want to.”
JC stroked his goatee as he walked over to the window. He always stroked his facial hair when he was nervous. Finally he blurted out the only thing that came to mind. “I don’t understand.”
“What’s to understand? I’m leaving. You’ll be better off with out me.”
“I hate to be the one to state the obvious here, but we’re a group. You leaving it doesn’t make us better off.”
“I’m not going to argue, C. We haven’t been a group since. . . . I need some time to myself.”
“Time to yourself?” JC laughed. “You’ve cooped yourself up in this beach house for months by yourself. If we didn’t make ourselves fly out here to see you, I wonder if you would have ever let us know how you were doing.”
“I don’t. .”
“No, shut up. I don’t wanna hear it right now. Just listen to me for a minute. You need to move on. We need to start work on this new album. Things have got to get back to normal for ALL of us. For God’s sake, Justin, it’s been six months. I know that it was hard for you, but shutting the world out -- no, shutting your friends and family out is not the answer. You can’t live like this. This isn’t even living. You’re sitting here killing yourself.” JC closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. He wasn’t sure if he was angry at Justin or angry at himself for being so harsh. Normally he was so reserved -- especially with Justin.
Justin stared at him in confusion. He certainly wasn’t expecting this reaction from JC. Joey, maybe, but never JC. His confusion soon turned to sadness though, and the expression on his face was enough to break JC’s heart.
“You don’t understand. You said it yourself. And you’ll never understand. No matter how hard you try -- no matter how hard you want to help me, you can’t. These are MY demons to face. And in order for me to continue living, I need to get away. I need to be alone. I can’t just get over what happened. I may never get over it. Things . . .” His voice trailed off, almost as if he didn’t want to finish the sentence. “. . happened. I was hurt. I still hurt. And until I can deal and get past this hurt, I can’t be here. You may not understand. Nobody understands. And I truly am sorry that I’m doing this to you all. You guys are my brothers and I love you more than you know. But I’m still leaving. Not forever, just for now.”
Tears were streaming down both their faces. They both stood up and embraced, causing JC to sob even harder.
Individually, he spoke with each one of the guys about him leaving. JC and Chris seemed to take it the hardest. JC was the one that held the group together and somehow he felt that he had failed Justin. Chris was not sad, he was more angry than anything. He didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling. The guy that always made everyone laugh couldn’t even smile lately. Justin was his best friend and he felt betrayed that he was pushed away so callously.
Early the next morning, without even a goodbye, Justin packed his things and headed to the airport. This was either going to be the beginning of a new life, or the beginning of the end.
