He seldom left the apartment. And when he did, it was merely a short trip to the store. He always wore a hat and sunglasses, and he always looked scruffy. He was thankful no one ever recognized him. If they did, he would surely leave once again. He didn’t want to be seen, and he certainly didn’t want to be found. No one knew where he was. Not his mom, not the guys, no one. He liked it that way. He was no longer Justin from *NSYNC. Rather, he liked to look at himself as a completely different person. Riley. That was how he thought of himself. Just some guy name Riley. This part of him had no friends. He had no family. He was alone. And he liked it.
Weeks went by in the flash of an eye. One day bled into another and before Justin knew it, summer had passed. The seasons didn’t really matter to him though. All of his time was spent in his room. He usually stared out the window, imagining some other life he might have had. Recently, he had begun to paint. He had no experience painting, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t trying to make a masterpiece, he just wanted to express something. Writing in his journal was his favorite way to pass the time. Most of the writings were from “Riley.” It was easier to view himself as two different people, but he knew that Riley was just a made up name that he used to avoid being himself.
As Fall faded into Winter, Justin knew that something else would have to be done. It had been months since he came here and nothing was different. Being by himself wasn’t helping as much as he hoped it would. His mom was the only one he every talked to, and those phone calls were few and far between. She missed him, worried about him, loved him. But it didn’t matter. He was convinced he needed to do this on his own.
The rain was coming down especially hard that morning, but he didn’t much care. Nothing seemed to bother him anymore. He was desensitized to everything around him. As he flipped vigorously through the pay phone directory, he quickly scanned each page. Satisfied, he tore a page out and continued walking down the street. Several miles down the way, he found the building he was looking for. It didn’t look like much, but he didn’t really need much. He folded the paper and walked into the office. As he walked up to a woman sitting behind a small window, he wondered if he should really do this. Before he could change his mind, she greeted him with a smile. He was almost surprised that she was smiling. He certainly didn’t look like anything to smile about. Not only was he dripping wet, but he had huge bags under his eyes and his clothes looked tattered. He was thankful, however, that he had shaved. Up until that day, he had been sporting more facial hair than ever before.
“Can I help you?” Her continued smile put Justin at ease.
“I, uh, want to see someone.”
She nodded her head and turned around to grab something. She handed him a pen and a clipboard that held several sheets of paper. “You need to fill these out and then we’ll get you set up, okay?” That smile seemed never-ending. It was nice to have contact with someone. Even if it was just a few words, he felt really good for the first time in months.
He sat down and began reviewing the papers. Information, information, information. Why do they want to know so much? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before starting with the first line. Name.
When he was finished with the papers, he walked back up to the young woman’s window. She thanked him and began reviewing them. Justin walked nervously around the room looking at the paintings on the wall, cracks in the ceiling, anything to pass the time. A soft voice captured his attention and he spun around to meet it. “Huh?”
“I asked how you’re going to pay for the services. You left the insurance portion blank.”
“I’ll be paying cash, if that’s okay.”
She smiled approvingly and reached for something in her drawer. “Okay, I need you to stand there and look straight at me.” She pulled a polaroid camera up to her face, but then quickly lowered it when she saw the look of terror on Justin’s face. “Don’t worry. It’s just for the file. No one will see this but you, me, and the doctor.”
Justin was slightly comforted, but still a bit uneasy. As the camera flashed he became even more anxious. His heart began to beat faster and he had to sit down just to avoid hyperventilating. No one had taken his picture in a long while, and the situation left him feeling overly exposed. By the time the receptionist called him back up to the window, he had managed to calm himself down.
“She doesn’t have anything open until Friday at 10. Will that work for you?”
Friday. That’s three days away. I barely had the courage to come today, I don’t know if I can come on Friday again.
He reluctantly nodded his head.
“Great. Here’s a card with our phone number on it. I noticed you put that you didn’t have a phone, but just in case I’ll give it to you anyway. If you have any questions or anything, you can call that number. My name is Kristeen.” He just nodded and smiled as he walked out of the building to the street. Three days. I can do this.
