Time passed in a daze, her sanity perilously close to being lost. Occasionally, a noise would catch her attention, drawing her out of the stupor that held her so tight. The phone rang several times, a few messages left on the answering machine. The outgoing message captured her attention each time the machine picked up. That honest, heartfelt laugh of Justin’s echoed in the background, her own voice obviously amused as she told the caller to leave their message. She only let it play twice before unplugging it from the wall.
The entire apartment felt empty, as if the furniture had been removed, the color drained from its walls. It would have made things easier had there been nothing for her to focus on. Everything had its own memory, its own story. Some of them seemed stupid, insignificant, but she knew better.
The broken butterfly on the shelf caught her eye, drawing her to it. With a turn of the knob, it’s sweet song played delicately in her ear. Her eyes closed, and for a moment, she could see JC sitting at his piano playing Debussy. Reality reemerged, and she set the figurine back in its place.
It was almost sunset now, orange, yellows, and pink beginning to cascade across the sky. Abbey began picking things up around the apartment, putting everything in its place, and keeping herself occupied. The task was halted when her eyes set on the video on the coffee table. She picked it up curiously, remembering faintly that Stephanie had left it. ‘When your ready.’ Is there ever really a time when you’re ready? Ready for what? To forget? To move on? The pain was deep, neverending, and there would never be a time when she was ready for anything without them.
She placed the video in her VCR, settling back on the couch, holding a pillow for some strange sense of protection. The video opened with Chris in his backyard, playfully wrestling the video camera away from Stephanie and then messing up the picture as he asked random questions from behind it. “How do you work this thing? What does this button do? I think I broke it.”
Abbey stifled a laugh as the picture cut to a dark room. The guys had been recording, all looking very focused and intense. Then Chris would come into the camera’s view, making an obscene gesture rather nonchalantly behind one of the other guys’ backs before returning to his spot on the couch. Voices were heard in the room, too far away from the camera to be understood. Abbey didn’t care though, still watching every movement and occasional glance back from the two men sitting at the board.
The camera cut once again, this time to an unfamiliar setting, moving fast between shots of the guys rehearsing and various other people wandering about. She assumed this was from when they were in New York, shortly thereafter being affirmed by Joey squealing with delight about being home.
They rehearsed a song or two, figuring out where they were all supposed to be standing and trying to keep the dance moves tight. Justin sang his verse, playfully goofing with Chris between lines. Then JC sang his, belting out emotion as if he believed every word he sang. Maybe he did. As the song wound down, nearing its end, Abbey began to smile. There they stood, two amazing men, singing to each other, one arm over the other’s shoulder. Meshing just like they always used to.
The picture began to move furiously around, floor to ceiling, left to right, as it appeared Stephanie was walking somewhere. Abbey got a strange sense of deja-vu, remembering the night she got a mind-blowing headache watching Blair Witch in the theater.
The guys came back into view as the shaking stopped, bright lights all around them as they chatted in their dressing room. Everyone fought for a seat near the TV, grabbing for the playstation controllers and laughing. Stephanie sat off to the side, slightly in front of them as they played. The camera zoomed in slowly on Chris as she spoke. “When are you going to cut those ugly horns off?”
“Never,” his eyes stayed locked on the TV screen. “Why are you taping us? I swear, you get a video camera and now you think you’re Steve or something.”
“It’s your own fault for buying it for me then. Besides, I figure I can get you guys warmed up for the interview later.” The camera zoomed out slightly, moving its focus over to Lance. “Lance, how do you feel about the war in Afghanistan?”
He stared at her, raising his eyebrows at the question. “They aren’t going to ask us anything like that.”
“I know, but I’m tired of the boxer/brief questions. You’re no fun. Joey,” his eyes glanced over at the camera, his head not moving. “What can we expect from this album that we haven’t seen before?”
“Naked pictures in the thank-yous section.”
Stephanie turned the camera around, her face coming half into view. “That’s not worth the thirteen bucks for the CD. Joey shows it off for free, anyway.”
The picture went spinning around again, Justin coming into view. “Alright, Justin, now that the album is finally finished, what’s your favorite song off it?”
“Number fourteen.”
“I thought there were only thirteen songs on it.”
“Nope, there’s a secret track called ‘Lick My Scrotum.’ It’s really good.”
“Yah, not interested in that song. Moving along. JC, give me a decent answer here, don’t be a jerk-off. What if nobody likes this album and it bombs?”
JC turned towards the camera, serious expression on his face. “That would suck. But we’d get over it. I mean, everything happens for a reason, right? Some things you have no control over, so you just gotta sit back and let them flow.”
“Good answer, good answer,” Chris dropped his controller, standing and pretending to cheer. JC just rolled his eyes and turned back towards the game. Someone poked their head in, letting the guys know that food had been brought in whenever they wanted it. Joey and Lance didn’t need to be told twice, running for the door. JC sauntered slowly behind them, Justin and Chris remaining captivated with their game.
Stephanie ran up to JC, stopping him as she shoved the camera in his face. “Say something nice to my camera.”
“Something nice to my camera,” he chuckled.
“No, dumbass, say something nice so I can show Abbey what she’s missing not being here.”
“Uhh, like what?”
“I don’t know. Say whatever.”
“Alright. Uhm, Abbey, hey. It’s me. Right? That sounds dumb,” he laughed. “Okay, no, next time you need to come along to keep Steph in check so she doesn’t accost us with questions. We miss not having you around. I miss you. I love you. And I guess you’ll see this after I tell you that in person. So, cut.” His hand made a gesture at his neck and he walked away smiling.
Abbey sat there, tears glazing her cheeks, hugging the pillow a little tighter.
Stephanie walked back towards the dressing room, facing the camera to herself as she rambled. “Boys and their toys, I swear, I’ve gotta practically drag Chris away from the plays--”
A loud yell sounded in front of her, causing Stephanie to jump a little. “Asshole.”
She turned the camera around to face Chris. “That’s what you get for talking to a camera and not looking where you are going.”
“Why do I put up with you?”
“You love me.” He moved closer to the camera, pushing it aside as he kissed her. It focused on the gray wall for a few moments before whirling back around.
“This is a PG video, nobody needs to see that,” she grinned at him. “Unless of course I wanted to sell it on eBay.” Justin came walking out, took one look at the two of them, and shook his head. Chris began to pull Stephanie with him down the hall.
“Go ahead, I’ll be there in a sec.” She touched Justin’s arm, turning him to face the camera. “Your turn. Speak to me.”
“Put the camera away and I just might,” he joked.
“No, no. Come on. The only people that will see this are me and Abbey. Gimme something juicy I can show her.”
He laughed, rubbing a finger along his lips. “Abbey, wish you were here. Or wish I was there. But ya know, we’re coming home tonight and everything is gonna be alright again. Happy?” he asked, looking past the camera to Stephanie.
“That wasn’t juicy enough. Tell me your deepest darkest secret.”
“Nice try, not happening though.” He walked down the hall, Stephanie following suit as the camera faded off.
Fresh tears continued to cover Abbey’s face long after the picture had gone black and the tape stopped. The piercing ring of the phone made her jerk her head to the side. As she picked it up, the sadness in her voice was quite evident.
“Abbey, it’s Joey. Are you okay?”
“Yah,” she mumbled.
“I was just calling to check on you. Chris and I just flew back into town. Lance is still in New York, he’s a little afraid to fly.”
Abbey just nodded her head, listening to the words.
“So how are you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
“You don’t sound okay.”
“How am I supposed to sound?” Her voice finally becoming strong and clear.
“I don’t know.”
“How come you all weren’t on the same flight that night?”
“I was going to stay in New York for a while. Everyone else was going some place else.”
“Why didn’t they just wait until the next morning?”
“They wanted to get home.”
“To see me,” she sighed.
“Well, yah. Everything was done here. There was no reason for them to stick around.”
“I killed them, Joey. They’re dead because of me.”
“Don’t you dare say that, Abbey. None of this is your fault.”
Her sobs became louder. “It should have been me. All I did was bring them pain.”
“You’re wrong. Look, I’m pulling up to my parents’ house now. I’m gonna drop my stuff off and then come over there.”
“No, I’m fine. I just need to be alone.” “Abbey--”
“I’m fine, Joey. Thanks for calling. I’ll see you, sometime.” She placed the phone down without hanging it up on the base.
The tears stopped coming as she fumbled through a dresser drawer looking for something in particular. Her heart stopped when she found something else. She picked up the necklace, holding it out as the light reflected off it. Once again, tears streamed down her face as she placed the necklace around her neck.
And then, finally, she found what she was looking for. The small bottle was still half full, buried in the back of the drawer. She took it out, shaking the pills back and forth nervously as she walked into the bathroom. A few pills at first, then several more until she lost count, gulping handfuls of water to wash them down. The reflection in the mirror stared back at her, desperate and longing for peace. Her gaze was only averted when a light-headed feeling caused her to inch down against the cool tile.
The painkillers had begun to take effect as she leaned her head against the wall. Tears flowed continuously from her red, stinging eyes. She tried to focus on something, anything in the bathroom, but her vision was blurred from the wetness. Thoughts raced through her mind and she felt herself slowly begin to slip out of reality. His figure appeared in the doorway, causing even more tears to come.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
He knelt down next to her, his face exactly as she last remembered it. “It’s okay, I’m here.”
“It hurts so much. I’m all alone without you. And I can’t breathe. You can’t be gone. Both of you. It’s not fair. I’m so afraid.”
His strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her close to his chest. “Don’t be afraid. You’re okay.” The words were calming, so gentle and loving.
“It was you. It was always you. There wasn’t a moment that I knew you that I didn’t love you. I chose you.”
“Shhh, I know. Everything is going to be okay.”
“I don’t wanna die. Just make the pain stop. Make my heart stop hurting.”
“Don’t worry. They’re coming.”
In the background, Abbey thought she heard the door, but everything was so jumbled in her mind. She heard a voice yelling her name, Joey’s familiar face coming into sight.
Her eyes stayed fixated on the other man though. His voice kept her at ease assuring her everything would be okay. Even as Joey frantically picked her up and carried her outside, the man stayed by her side, always smiling, always whispering words of comfort. Other people appeared around her as the world turned bright with light. All of their faces blurred away as she lay there barely conscious. All of them but his. There he was, still smiling, his face as clear as day.
‘I love you,’ she thought to herself unable to make her lips move.
His smile widened, his eyes glistened. “I love you too. I’ll always be here. If you should need anything. . .”
With his words, the world went black.
Figures danced around her, torturous memories reminding her of everything lost. At least the pain was gone now, replaced by a numbness that seemed faintly familiar. Voices were jumbled, she searched through them all for one in particular. That calm, comforting voice. But it wasn’t there. She ran in the darkness, yelling out for him, but her efforts were in vain. He wasn’t there. She begged, pleaded for him to appear. Nothing but darkness and emptiness surrounded her. Suddenly, everything stopped. The dancing figures, the memories, the voices. Silence pervaded. She closed her eyes, falling back, convinced that she was dead and this was her hell. All she heard was the sound of her own breathing. Her breaths became shorter, longer periods between them until she stopped breathing altogether, still falling in the darkness.
A slight gasp escaped her lips as the darkness disappeared, replaced by a blinding light. Her eyes squinted, trying to adjust and focus. Deep, labored breaths continued as her fear increased, not knowing where she was or what was happening. As she heard his voice, her breathing calmed and her body relaxed.
“Don’t be afraid. You’re okay.”
Chapter 17: Remnants of Life
Take Me Home!
