On Males

What's the thinnest book in the world? ------What men know about women.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? -----One. Men will screw anything.
What's a man's idea of foreplay? ----A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man's sexually excited? -----He's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? -----Bonds mature.
How can you save a man from drowning? -----Take your feet off his head.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? -----They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? -----We don't know. It's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike? -----The good ones are always taken.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? -----Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?-----E.T. phoned home.
If men got pregnant: abortions would be available at convenience stores & drive-thru windows.
Why do men name their "private part" -----So they can be on a first name basis with the one who makes all the decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? ---- Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
How do some men define ROE VS. WADE? -----Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity? -----144 men in a room.
HUSBAND: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. WIFE: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a corvette? -----With the porcupine, the prick's on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? -----Three...one to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What's a man's idea of safe sex? -----A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry: -----"FILTHY" and "FILTHY, BUT WEARABLE."
Only a man could buy a $500.00 car and put a $4,000.00 stereo in it.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed: "How sad, a dead bird!" The other looked up and said "Where?"
What do you call a man with half a brain? -----Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? -----One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man? -----"I can do better than that."
HUSBAND: Want a quickie? WIFE: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins? ----They can't stand criticism.
Why are men like laxatives? -----They both irritate the crap out of you.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? -----A man's undivided attention!
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? ------(1) no mind. (2) no business.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? ------ To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?------ The man.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? ------ Because so many men fake foreplay.
What do men and women have in common? ------ They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? ------ Guilt gifts are nicer.
How is a man like the weather? ------ Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? ------ One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? ------ The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. ------ What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? ------ An insurance company.