...As you wish...

Opening Scene

[In the opening scene, a young boy is sick in his bed, playing a video game] [His Mother enters]

Mother: [to her sick little boy] Hi Honey.
Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Mom.
Mother: You feeling any better?
Kid: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Kid: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather is here.
Kid: [pleading] Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick...
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Kid: [distressed] He'll pinch my cheeks....I hate that!
Mother: Maybe he won't...

[Enter the kid's Grandfather, also NARRATOR of The Princess Bride]

Grandfather: [entering the room] Heyyyyy....How's the sick? Huh? [pinching the kids cheek]
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Kid: [excitedly] What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
Kid: [opening the gift] A book?
Grandfather: That's right, when I was your age, television was called books; And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Kid: [less interested] Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
Kid: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh..alright..The Princess Bride by S.Morgan Stern, Chapter 1.

[From here on, the Grandfather will be known as the Narrator]

Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley. But she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Kid: [with no enthusiasm] Yeah..it's really good.
Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
Buttercup: Farmboy, varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you Wish.
Narrator: 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.
Buttercup: [holding two empty pails] Farmboy, fill these with water....please?
Westley: As you wish.
Narrator: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Buttercup: Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: [taking the pitcher and whispering] As you wish....
Kid: [interrupting the story] Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Kid: Well when does it get good? Grandfather: Keep your shirt on and let me read.
Narrator: Westley had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.
Kid: I don't believe this!
Buttercup: [crying] I'm afraid I'll never see you again...
Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Westley: Hear this now, I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day? [They kiss and he leaves]
Narrator: Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered...
Kid: [interrupting] Murdered by pirates is good!
Narrator: [continuing] She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
Buttercup: I will never love again.

Scene 2

Narrator: Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Prince Humperdinck's bride to be.
Humperdink: [Trumpets blaring] My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?!
Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!!
Humperdink: My people, the Princess Buttercup!
Narrator: Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
[The scene fades to Buttercup riding her horse the next morning]
[Enter Vizzini, A Spaniard, and a Giant]
Vizzini: [halting Buttercup] A word my lady? ...We are but poor lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles.
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream...
[The Giant quickly grabs the princess by the neck, rendering her unconscious. They take the princess to their ship.]
Spaniard [Inigo Montoya]: What is that you're ripping?
Vizzini: It's fabric from the uniform of any army officer of Guilder!
Giant [Fezzik]: Who is Guilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin!

[Vizzini attaches the cloth to Buttercup's horse]

Vizzini: Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone?!
Vizzini: [angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think? escape your lips?!! You were not hired for your brains you hippo-britanic land mass!!
Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sod has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland!!

[Vizzini walks away, angered, and sets the ship free]

Inigo: Vizzini, he can...fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss, I think he likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no...harm.
Fezzik: He's very very short on...charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: [overhearing Fezzik] Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!"!!!

Scene 3

[It is night-time, all three and the princess are still at sea.]

Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that?

[directed at Inigo who is staring behind]
Inigo: Making sure nobody is following us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own....[pausing, then glancing at Inigo] Stop doing that! We can all relax! It's almost over.
Inigo: Are you sure nobody is following us?
Vizzini: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Vizzini: [in disbelief] What?! [now, spying a ship in the distance] ...Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel infested waters.

[Buttercup jumps over the ship]

Vizzini: What?! Go in!! Go after her!!!
Inigo: [frankly] I don't swim.
Fezzik: [turning to Vizzini] I only dog-paddle...
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!"!!!
Vizzini: Veer left! ...left! ...left! [suddenly, horrible screeching is heard] Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
Grandfather: [Narrator] She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Kid: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Kid: I...I wasn't nervous. Well maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: ...Because we can stop now if you want.
Kid: No, you could read a little bit more if you want.
Narrator: [reading Vizzini's part] 'Do you know what that sound is highness? Those are the shrieking eels!'
Kid: Pass that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. [now mumbling to himself] alright, alright, lets see..uh...she was in the water, the eel was going after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her and then...

[Fezzik reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Buttercup back on Board]
Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!
Inigo: [looking back at the other ship again] I think he's getting closer!
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [now, turning to Buttercup] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.

Scene 4

[Dawn, the next morning]

Inigo: Look! He is right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using?
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! [pointing skyward] The Cliffs of Insanity!!! Hurry up! Move..the thing...and that other thing! Move it!!! [climbing out] Were safe, only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds a harbor.

[Fezzik, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the cliff.]

Inigo: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable! ....Faster!!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.
Vizzini: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini, please?
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

[Finally, Fezzik reaches the top. Vizzini quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger.] [All three peer over the edge of the cliff.]

Fezzik: He's got very good arms.
Vizzini: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!
Inigo: [looking confused] You keep using that word? I do not think it means what you think it means...[looking back down] my god...he's climbing.
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You [to Fezzik] carry her. We'll [to Inigo] head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in!
Inigo: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly.
Vizzini: Oh have it your way.
Fezzik: [to Inigo] You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vizzini: [impatiently] I'm waiting...

[Inigo unsheathes his sword, and practices a few steps. He then calls to the man in Black]

Inigo: Hello there. Slow going?
Man in black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in black: Thank You.
Inigo: [pauses] I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Man in black: If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Man in black: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in black: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard?
Man in black: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there another way you'll trust me?
Man in black: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: I swear on the soul of my Father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
Man in black: Throw me the rope.

[Inigo throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where there's a Clearing]

Man in black: [exhausted] Thank you. [He struggles to draw his sword]
Inigo: wait wait wait wait wait wait 'till you're ready.
Man in black: Again, thank you. [He sits and removes a stone from his boot]
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Man in black: [revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six fingered man. He was a great sword-maker, my father. When the six fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.

[Inigo unsheathes his sword, and shows it to the Man in black]

Man in black: I've never seen its equal.
Inigo: Six fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man to a duel. I failed...Six fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar].
Man in black: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the six fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'
Man in black: [intrigued] You've done nothing but sword-play?
Inigo: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay to bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

[After a moments silence, the Man in black stands up and prepares to battle]

Man in black: Well I....I certainly hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You all ready then?
Man in black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: [drawing his sword] You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you.
Man in black: You seem a decent fellow...I hate to die.
Inigo: [confidently] Begin.

[Slowly, a great battle ensues. Inigo tests the Man in black, and the Man in black tests Inigo. They continue to battle on.]

Inigo: You are using Bonetties Defense against me, ah?
Man in black: I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must suspect me to attack with Capa Fero?
Man in black: Naturally...but I find that Tibal cancels out Capa Fero. Don't you?
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agliepa...which I have.

[They continue to exchange attacks and parries]

Inigo: You are wonderful!
Man in black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man in black: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
Man in black: And what is that?
Inigo: [switching hands] I am not left-handed!

[Inigo switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in black]

Man in black: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
Man in black: [struggling to keep Inigo away] There's something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me!
Man in black: I'm not left-handed either.

[The Man in black switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats] [They stop fencing for a brief moment]

Inigo: [in awe] Who are you?
Man in black: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Man in black: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: [disappointed] Okay...

[The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in black is dominating]
[The Man in black knocks the sword out of Inigo's hand, and circles in behind him]

Inigo: [kneeling] Kill me quickly.
Man in black: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...

[The Man in black hits Inigo on the back of his head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out.]

Man in black: [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

[The man in black runs off to find Vizzini. Vizzini spies the man in black from atop a huge hill.]

Vizzini: Inconceivable!! Give her to me! [taking Buttercup] Catch up with us quickly!
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: Finish him! Finish him...your way...
Fezzik: Oh good. My way. Thank you Vizzini. Which way's my way?
Vizzini: [irritated] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the rock!
Fezzik: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like.

[The man in black proceeds up the hill, and is met by a rock crashing against a] [Boulder right next to him.]

Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Man in black: I believe you. [pauses] So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man in black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now?
Man in black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.

[The Man in black charges Fezzik, but cannot knock him down]

Man in black: [agitated] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Fezzik grasps at him, but misses] You're quick!
Man in black: Good thing too.
Fezzik: [swinging at the man in black] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
Man in black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

[The man in black manages to jump onto Fezzik's back, and tries to choke him. Fezzik pushes his back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of the man in black]

Fezzik: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.
Man in black: Why is that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...[struggles more with the man in black] ...I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities...that kind of thing.
Man in black: Why should that make such a [crash! pause] difference?
Fezzik: [slowing down] You see, you use different moves when your fighting half a dozen people, then when you only have to worry about one.

[Fezzik falls to the ground, unconscious. The man in black checks to see if he] [Is still alive.]

Man in black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of large women.