Double click on any word to see the definition
March 1, 2001
Had a pretty bad day. Kept calling Janie. Had such a craving to cut. Don't know how I managed it but I didn't. Very suicidal right now. I did all the coping techniques Janie has taught me. So something worked. I wrote a four page letter to her. Not sending it yet. I has a suicide not in it. I will send it when I take the pills. I have to do this. I can't take my life anymore. It is just too much. Tomorrow I am supposed to go for therapy, but hubby may have to work late so I may not make it. Which is okay with me. I don't want to slip and tell Janie something that I will be sorry for in the long run. If I tell her I am suicidal she will quick put me in the hospital. Which may be best in the long run, but I'm not going. I want to do this I don't want any one stopping me. I am not telling anyone. I may be writing it here, just for helping purposes but I not telling hubby or Janie or my friends or anyone. I just need to get it out so I am writing it here.
March 2, 2001
Well I made it through another day without cutting this makes it 8 days. Can I make it the two weeks?? I am scratching my face and my scalp pretty bad they are both bleeding all the time. When I went to get my meds today they didn't have them. They didn't want me to go without so Janie picked them up while she was in Albany and brought them to my house. Can you believe that? That was pretty cool of her. I waited on the porch for her didn't want her to see my house lol but I cleaned it up just in case lol. My friend moved out today. That really has me down in the dumps even worse than yesterday. I don't Know what I am going to do now. She stayed with me while hubby was at work almost every night. She kept me from cutting most of the time. I don't know what I am going to do without her. I am afraid of being alone without her. She has been gone for five days without calling me then comes home today and moves out. If I hadn't gone down there I don't know if she would have said a word to me. She hasn't called me in that whole five days. She said she would call me tonight but she didn't either. Just thinking about it makes me want to cut. What am I going to do now. Without her I am lost alone, I have no one. She stepped in right after my other friend left. And that was great. Daughter is moving into the house up there now but she is never around. When she is I guess she will come here to use phone so I will get to see her then. But she won't be here much as they are looking to reposess her car and she is pretty much hiding till she can get the cash up lol. Still suicidal. Have enough pills hidden no one can find them lol. I think Monday is the day. Spend a couple of days with hubby. And daughter is moving in Sunday and Monday, spend some time with her and the girls. Then do it. So Monday evening will be my last entry in here probably unless I chicken out. Or if I don't get to see the girls. Think I will post their pic on here for all to see and write them a letter. I have Janie's letter ready. Got to write Kevin and April one. I don't know why though. It just seems that everyone that does this leaves a letter.
March 4, 2001
So depressed today. Just don't know what to do. Sent Janie a email asking her to call me, she hasn't been online all day so I guess she didn't get it. I guess she will see it when she get's home tomorrow from work. She probably spent the day with her family today. I am kind of scared of her reaction. But I had to tell her. I told her I was suicidal. I just know what her reaction will be. Everytime somone came on ICQ today I just knew it was her. And if I had to get off line I came back on and checked to see if she was on. This is really making my anxiety high. Maybe I shouldn't have sent that to her. I just dont' know what to do. I want to cut so damn bad I can't stand it. It has been nine days now I think. That is enough to ask of me, don't you think? From every day to nine days without cutting I think it is enough! I just don't know how much longer I can hold out. I know when I can't cope any more and cut it will be bad. I keep wanting to cut my face up. It is so ugly anyway. I want to feel the blood on my face. Think it would be awesome. Just don't know how other people will react to it. I know Janie will think I want attention. But I dont'. That is why I am going to stop cutting my arms and only cut my legs. So no one will see it. But it is much more satisfying to cut the arms. they bleed better. Soon it will be summer and you can't wear sweater's to cover up with so I will have to anyway. I will have to go to cutting my stomach and legs I guess then no one will know. Dang I much prefer the arms. And I have no choice when crazy cuts she always mutilates the arms bad. She love's to see the blood from everywhere. I have seen the results of her cuts. She just stays long enough to cut and watch the blood, then I have to clean up and all.
March 9, 2001
Gosh I can't believe it has been 5 days since I wrote in here. A lot has been going on. I have been suicidal off and on. My friend leaving has really messed me up. I have always had someone with me. Since my daughter left home. We had Dad with us for many years and then my sister in law. And I had my girlfriend here off and on. On the weekends any way. Then my other friend came and all was great. Well my daughter is back home. But she is my child, not a friend you know. Though we can talk there is just somethings you don't talk to your children about, you know. And she has a busy life, unlike me and my friend. I saw my friend at the clinic yesterday, she waited with me, and that was great. Just like she never left. But there was a tension there that had never been there before. I am mad at her for going back home. Yes leaving me is part of it, but mostly for what she is going to be putting herself through. I had therapy today and it was okay. Janie is talking about PTSD again. And they want to say my panic/anxiety came from the assult at work. Cause my first bad attack was that night. But I have always had anxiety problems from when I was a child. I remember my very first attack I was 7 and was hiding in my closet from you know who. So it can't be from the assult. Besides the assult was pretty minor. I think it added greatly to my agoraphobia though. And as far as the PTSD goes I don't have flashbacks of the assult I have flashbacks of other stuff I don't want to mention here. One day I will be able to talk about it here but I just can't now. Today I had no thoughts of suicide. But lots of thoughts of cutting. I am wanting to cut my face so bad, just to wear as a badge. Today will be 15 days if i make it through the night. Now Janie says I have to come on Weds to get my meds so the nurse can give them to me. Now that is going to be a problem. Kevin will be at work, and the nurse will be gone. So I guess no more meds for me huh? I will have to call Janie Monday about that. But when we left she said Kevin can pick them up when he gets off work. So maybe there is something I don't know. Oh well. I am having a lot of pain with my back and legs now. And I have always dealt with it with pain meds or cutting and right now I can have neither. This is killing me. When I cut I concentrate on the cuts and the blood and the pain is in the back of my mind. I don't understand it either but it works. Had some disassociation today. God I hate that. I think it was talking about the assult that brought that about. It was minor but I had difficulty telling Janie about it I wonder why. Hmmm Sister in law is a nurse and she came down to our house and took my blood pressure at hubby's request. She took it and told hubby to take me to hospital right now. So we went. And I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was sweaty all over. My fingers were numb, I couldn't catch my breath, my chest hurt real bad. I was so afraid. And when the nurse asked me what happend to make me feel like this and I started to tell her I was okay till I started to tell hubby about what happend at work. Then she asked me what happend and poof it started again. It only came on every time they mentioned it. I was like that for days. It would happen off and on. So where did it all start. You would expect something like that if something real bad happend to someone but this wasn't real bad. I have many other things in my life that were real bad. I mean they would make you cringe. And even make you cry. So why is this so outstanding?
March 10, 2001
Today was okay. Having a lot of thoughts about cutting. Don't know how much longer I can take this. Something has to give soon or I will go insane. Either I have to cut or make the decision to never cut again. Which I know I can't do. So ultimatly I will give into the "urge". Some people think it is just a habit like drinking or smoking is. But for me it isn't. It is something I have to do to rid myself of poisions. If I don't cut I have failed somehow. I haven't had a nightmare about him. So that has kept me from cutting. I know when I do again that I will cut. That is the only release from his hold I have. Some how if I cut I am me. Not a part of him and what he did to me. If I hurt myself it is like I am hurting me before someone else can. That I won't feel the pain of someone else hurting me. I have been hurt enough in my life. My friend called today. It was nice talking to her. And my daughter came over today, it was good seeing her. And would you believe I went to the store alone. I can't believe it, do you think I am getting better? I had a hard time in the store, I had to stop a lot and slow down my breathing, or catch my breath. I was shaking a lot. My heart was beating like a base drum. But I made I made it. I forgot half of what I needed LOL but I made it. Having a real hard time right now. I want to cut so bad I can't stand it. I keep looking at the razor and picturing my face sliced. The cuts on my hands are fading I want to fix them fast. So much is running through my mind right now and I can't stop it all. So much is going on it's all coming at once. I don't hear voices. But thoughts keep coming faster and faster one on top of the other. I can't figure out what to do. How do I stop them. Do what they want? Cut, cut deep, bleed, die, die debi die. STOP! I can't take it.
March 11, 2001
I did it. I made it another day. And as bad as I was feeling yesterday I didn't cut. Can you believe it? I did talk to Janie tonight, and she helped some. She did say I was too negative and I have to agree with her there. I know that, but I don't know how to change that. She was happy that I haven't cut yet though. She asked how I was and I told her she didn't want to know and she thought I had cut but I let her know fast that I hadn't. She has become more than a therapist lately. I guess because of the communication we have outside of actual therapy. She bought a book on web design and now I will have nothing to help her with. That makes me sad. Oh well I will find something else to do with my time. I have been thinking of doing a page about depression here. Maybe I will start it tomorrow. I have to have something to occupy my mind or else it will wonder and then I am in trouble. That is why I need to go back to work. But I can't do that now. I wonder if I will ever work again. I know I will never work in management again I don't think I could handle the stress anymore. Maybe some secretary job at a little office somewhere. Or a job at data entry level. I can do data entry from home right now if I could find someone to hire me. Oh shit I am looking at the razor again I can't start this. I am so tired of feeling useless. Not working not doing anything worth while. But people tell me that my website is helping people. And I do get email's from people about it. But a lot are negative lately cause of this journal. The only way to this is through the cutting page. And it has a warning at the cutting page and at the beginning of the journal. I have thought more and more lately about taking the journal down. The purpose is not to upset people. But to enlighten them as to how someone who cuts feels. I always think about cutting it is never out of my mind. I can ramble and ramble in here but it is right there on the tip of my brain just washing everything away. that is my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I gotta cut. And right now at this very moment I am thinking I have made it 16 days and that is a record so to hell with that I am cutting. I can't take it much more. I am going to have to do it. It is eating away at my very soul.
March 13, 2001
Hey I have made it to 18 days without cutting. Can you believe it? I sure can't. As you can tell if you've been reading here lately I have had a real hard time of it. Today was actually okay. I started the day good. Got my cleaning and stuff out of the way before I sat down at the computer so my day wouldn't be so helter skelter. I made the neatest page I have ever done. It has tables and stuff. I learned that today can you believe it? That is something I have been wanting to learn to do. In one minute it will be midnight and that will be 19 days. If I make it through tomorrow night that is. I sure hope Janie is proud of me. I almost gave in today really I did. I got the razor out and everything. I still have it sitting on my keyboard. Hubby seen it when he came home and asked about it. But I told him it was there and I was tempted but I didn't and he was happy. I had nightmares again last night, that is what brought about the wanting to cut. Why can't my mind just forget all that stuff? I woke in a cold sweat. So I promised myself I would turn it around. So I started out my day like I said; but I still had the urge to cut, but I didn't hey hey.
March 14, 2001
Gosh today has been really hard on me. I have had to answer so many crappy phone calls. And just the weather I guess and all it has me so damn depressed I can't stand it. I am trying to work on my new page and getting friends to look at it is helping to cheer me up, they have good comments. And now Janie called today and she wants to use it for a presentation she has to give in her class. Gosh that is confidence isn't it? I think it is cool that she believes in me. Plus it means that what I put on my pages are the truth unlike some others I have seen. There are sites that misinform. I would never do that. I couldn't take the hate mail. I haven't checked that other site yet to see if he got any more bad comments or not. Maybe I should just to be mean. I talk about my disorder, and I link to other sites by reputable people and organizations. I hope that I am doing a good job. I read and reread what I have on my site to help myself. I have learned a lot but can't seem to apply too much to myself. I know the mechanics, seems like I wouldn't even need a therapist if you were to read them. But I do. Have been wanting to cut so damn bad. I have been pacing a lot today, was driving hubby nuts tonight. But he didn't say a word, he usually does too. Have therapy again on Friday. Oh I got my meds today good thing I called cause the nurse leaves early. I was told that hubby could pick them up when he got off work, boy was that wrong. And now he only has two more weeks of day shift then I will challenge myself to pick them up alone every week. Lucky for me my daughter is working nights right now so she can take me to get them. I will be stuck when she goes to days. They make it hard on me you know. If I had a car of my own, no that wouldn't help I'm not good on my own anyway. It really sucks to be me you know.
March 16, 2001
Today I get a gold star because I haven't cut for three weeks. It has been a long very long battle. And I am proud. I am taking it one day at a time now. Don't know what tomorrow will bring.
March 18, 2001
Feel like I should take that gold star down now. I was so angry this morning about 3am that I cut. I was angry about a lot of things. Mostly at myself. I knew I couldn't stop this for good. But I am sort of ashamed of myself. But more upset, cause this is one more thing I have failed at. Seems like I can do nothing right. Went to grocery alone today and freaked had panic in store, I thought I was going to die. You would think I would be happy at the prospect don't you? But no I was freaking out. All I could think of was running out of store and getting in car and racing home. But I just went to check out and hurried the kid along he thought I was nuts of course and raced groceries to car and sat in car and calmed down a bit was afraid to drive like that. Smoked a whole cigarette waiting to calm down. Finally when I got home I told hubby I'm never going back there alone again. And I won't either; he will go with me or we will have no groceries in the house. Don't want to go to therapy alone Friday either. Talked to Janie tonight, told her I cut she wasn't angry just sad we would start over. Kevin saw it this afternoon and got mad at me. He stayed mad at me all day. Went to bed mad even. See that don't help me you know. I really don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. I am tired of it all. Everyday I try, I try to think positive, for the last 3 weeks I have struggled everyday the only thing on my mind was cutting. And I forced myself not too. This was so damn hard to do. And I am exhausted. It is too hard to fight it. I just don't have the strength to do it any more.
March 19, 2001
I guess I did okay today. Except for the disassociation. I kept having it off and on all day. It didn't stay long though so it was okay. God I hope I'm not getting used to it. I am afraid that one day it will start and it will never stop. That is what scares me most about it I think. Having problems taking my meds again. I don't know why really except that I hate taking them. I feel like I have no control of my life as it is. This stuff these disorders control me. And I depend on meds to contol me. I want control. I want to make decisions. I dont' want this any more, not the disorders not the meds, not the therapy. And at this moment I don't want life at all. Because this is my life. Every day it is panic/anxiety, bad thoughts nightmares, reliving my past. It is all there all the time. I just want out. Borderline personality that is me. That is what I am. I am not a person. I have no personality of my own. I am nothing. I think bad all the time. Constantly I think of dying. I can't get it out of my head. It is there all the time. I may think of something else for a while like watch a movie and it goes away. But soon it comes back, how to do it when to do it. I have 3 plans to do this. I have them memorized. What to do and when to do it. I set dates and then change my mind. I have a date set now. What will happen to this one I don't know.
March 20, 2001
Having problems today. Lots of disassociation. Bad urges to cut. Thinking of calling Janie but don't want to bug her. I am so damn depressed. Ex hubby called last night. More problems with daughters car. I wish I could help her. I feel so useless, not a good mother. I know she is an adult now. But it doesn't change the fact that I am her mother and should be able to help her. If I was working I would be able to help. I want to cut. I just have to. I know i started new yesterday and didn't cut and I should work hard on not cutting. I had a bad nightmare last night it woke me up. It was so horrid I can't believe it. It felt real, it was real to me. It scarred me so damn bad. Well I cut a lot today. Just had to. I don't know any more. I have picked up the phone to call Janie several times. Even want to now but it is late. I have been crying and crying all day. Don't really know why and then I am sad so sad. Had another person come in chat and start talking to me and I had no idea who she was. This is happening too much lately. I spend most of my day in that one room and know people very well, have been talking to some of them for 3 years and they tell me yes you know her. And I don't, this is so scarry. They wouldn't lie to me I know. Not the one's I have been talking to a long time I know. More stomach problems today. My anxiety is so high. With the depression and the suicidal thought and the problem with my meds. I know if I told Janie she would committ me. I should go myself really. But I don't think they would really help me. But something has to, I can see for myself that I am bad. My hubby sees it too. I am scared of the hospital, it is so bad there. If it weren't so bad I think I would go. I cut up both arms and one leg. Nothing real deep, just more blood than normal. Maybe should get a few stitches but........ Janie is going to be so disappointed and angry with me. Oh well can't take it back now. And I don't fell done either.
March 21, 2001
Not doing too well today. Lots of disassociation. I can't think straight. Haven't done anything with web pages. Can't coridinate my body to funtion right. I told hubby tonight that I am getting sick again and he seems to think I can fix it. I can't, if I could I would. Don't know what he expects me to do. Typing this is very difficult, can't cordinate or spell. Can't get the words to come out right. I don't like this one bit. I can end it now. I have a day and time set now. Don't know if my body and mind will let me pull it off. Funny I seem to be able to control the anxiety right now. Most of my efforts to control it are working. But the other I can't. The thoughts, the flashbacks, the smells, the noises, I can't stop them. They are taking over. Stupid me watched a movie about child molestation today. It made me so much worse. But the child won! She got away, her mommy saved her. If only.........Damn If only that would happen in real life. Mother's like me aren't heros are we? eh mom
March 25, 2001
Very Very depressed. The only thing keeping me from Od'ing is the girls are here for the weekend. I love spending time with them. They are so much fun. I will miss them for sure. On the 22nd the disassociation got so bad it real had me scarred. I called Janie cause i was so scarred. I couldn't stop crying. It has been days and days and it won't go away at all. She betrayed me by calling 911. I am so angry. I wouldn't let them in the house for a while I thought they were going to make me go back to SWSH (state mental hosp). I don't want to go back there. Janie convinced me that they weren't going to. So I let them in. Then they wanted to take me to the hospital. And again fear of SWSH came in. And I refused, telling them I hadn't tried suicide or tried to hurt anyone and they couldn't make me go. They got me back on the phone to Janie and she got me to go. Then the doc at the hosp wanted to send me away so Janie called Dr. Dutta and he said I didn't have to go. It all could have been avoided if she hadn't have called them in the first place. Actually it all could have been avoided if I hadnt' called her. But I was so scarred I had to talk to her. Suposidly I am like this from withdrawl from my meds. So I am taking them again. I have to get myself past that point. So I don't have to take them any more. Next time I will slowly stop them. Not stopping them all at once. First I have to get over this. Janie asked why I don't want to take my meds and I told her because I don't want to be dependant on meds to live. And I can't write my poetry when I'm on them. I don't feel like me. I'm not a person on them. And Janie says see how you are right now do you call that okay? And of course I am in bad shape. But without them I am creative. I am me as I always have been. It is confusing I know. I want to be well and they say to be well I have to take the meds. Right now all I can think of is after the girls leave what I will do. I can't go on like this my life is one big confliction. I have written a letter to Janie. I will send it after the girls leave. I don't want anything to interupt my time with them. I am going to do it. I have the means to do it and I am going to. This is too much. The disassociation will never go away I know. I will be like this forever. I can't take it. It means I am insane I know. And I won't live like this. It is my choice and no one can stop me if they try I will just run. I have pictured it many times in my mind. It is all I think of any more. That is how I came up with the perfect plan.
The next few entries were written on paper in the hospital when I could get hold of them
March 29, 2001
I took the overdose a day earlier than I planned. I just got so frustrated so mad while I was talking to Janie that I took them. I couldn't take it. I don't know why. Nothing ever works for me. I took them then talked to some friends (online of course). Then realized I was needing some cigs. So I drove to the store and a guy came up to where I was at by the cigs (they were locked up). He scarred me I paniced. And passed out. They called 911, and when the EMT's got there they put amonia under my nose ewwww. What a smell. They helped me up off the floor. They took my bood pressure and instisted I go to the hosp. I didn't want to but went any way I was real dizzy and groggy. Don't remember much more too clearly. I remember hubby being there, and Janie sort of. I remember them wanting to take my blood and not wanting to cause they would find out I overdosed. I was there for a day and a half in ICU. Then here I came. Oh I remember having to drink charcoal too "yuck". Spent some time in the locked unit. I'm in open unit now, though we are still locked in just not so closed up. I have seen doc a few times. He don't tell me nothing about going home. Don't tell him but "I WANT TO DIE". When ever they ask around her I tell them I'm okay. I just want out. I was supposed to see Doc in his office yesterday so we could talk about why I took the pills. I haven't said anything to anyone here. You can't get a hold of any sharps around here. So I got a screw off the back of a tv in lock up and have been scratching with it. That is really useless, I need to cut "BAD". Got a cigarette lighter through and have been burning that helps some. But I need the blood. I am just being good abiding by their rules answering their questions with the answers they want to hear. Hoping to get out of here quick. I know if I told them how I really feel they would ship me off to state hosp. Like I told Janie before, I would die before I go back there again. They asked me what were my plans when I went home I said just to get back to life. I can't say what my real plans are they would freak too many people. But see that's just it I know the game here you only tell them what you have to. Unless you plan on staying a while or getting sent to state. I guess that is one reason why psychiatry isn't an exact science you only know what your patient tells you. And ones like me you can never know about. Sometimes when things get real bad I can tell Janie and she listens. I haven't ate since leaving lock up. There are too many people here. I wonder if the doc is going to talk to me today. I doubt it since it is already 3pm. Today is thursday. Maybe tomorrow. I miss hubby and daughter. And of course the girls and my buddies on the chat. I haven't written in a year and this is about 3 or 4 weeks no meds. and today I wrote two poems. I can be med free yall. Out of paper and nurse wants the pen. So bye bye
March 30, 2001
Surprise, Surprise. I went to see doc in his office this afternoon. He is giving me some meds to help with the agoraphobia he says. And for the anxiety. It's after 5pm and haven't gotten any yet. He says to help me feel better about myself to fix myself up. Brush hair, use makeup etc. Now where have I heard that before? Oh also talked about my ptsd a bit. Today one of the HST's came to get me for lunch and said if I didn't start eating they were going to put me back in the closed unit (lock up). They threaten you with that every five minutes around here. I haven't eaten since I been here on open unit (5 days). Doc said he would give me a med to help when he was on rounds this morning. Had a hard time on the last two smoke breaks more people here now. I can't handle it too much more. Wish they would hurry up with those meds. I sit away from everyone or just walk around the yard that helps me some. But I hear all the voices they echo in my head. I get a dizzy feeling, my mouth is dry, I sweat. My heart is pounding, I feel like I'm going to loose it and run. Actually I want to run. Dr S said this morning he can't let me go home yet. What if I go to store again and pass out. What if I take an overdose again. So what!!! The way I feel right now I won't be leaving the house at all. As far as the overdose goes I am mad that guy at the store got to me and they caught me. Damn I said this time I woulldn't fail. This makes me feel even more inadequit I have thought of ways to do it in here. Like hanging myself, but there is nothing to hang from in here, Ha Ha. Guess they thought of that. If only I could get a hold of a razor. Maybe I can cut some I'd feel better. No I would only slice my wrists at this point. Almost told Dr that I keep disassociating, but I was scared he would send me to SWSH. He asked what 3 things in life bother me the most. I said it bothers that I can't do things, and my childhood and the third would be the disassociation but I couldn't say that to him of course. They are bugging me about supper now. Shit I can't. They keep calling me over the speaker I'm starting to panic. Just leave me alone. Dr. S knows I can't go. Why didn't he tell them? There they go again coming down the hall looking for me. I told them I don't want to eat. Maybe they'll leave me alone now. The head nurse was really insistant. Finally they have let up. Another smoke break later. They are having a spiritual meeting now. I can't go too many people cramped in a itty bitty room. No way. They turned off the tv and took the phone from me. My roommate is having problmes a nurse has been in with her for a while I was just pacing the hall. Guess I'll get in the shower. Dang no clean clothes. Let me ask for the third time for some detergent.
March 31, 2001
Out of cigs today. Kevin is supposed to come at 2 pm for visitation and bring me some. Man it's hard enough to have only one or two cigs every two hours but to be out totally now that's bad he he he. They only asked me to come to breakfast once today. Guess they finally got the hint. I got a roommate now I really prefer my own room. Had to sleep with the lights on cause she is scared of the dark geeze. Almost missed phone privaliges today had to get the HST to get a girl (my room mate) off the phone so I could use it. Asked hubby to bring me a whopper today. All I want to do now is cut. I hate this place. Up at 6:30 clean room, make bed, clean bathroom, finally at 7am smoke and coffee (decaf). Meds around 8 or 8:30. THen another cig at 9am if your lucky. On week days the doc is making rounds then so you either miss cig break or it is real late. Then it's just an endless long day of meds and smoke breaks. Lunch and dinner of course and two snack breaks a day only good if you have money for the machines. Bed at 11:00pm. And it starts all over the next day. I hate having my day so structured. I want freedom. Sometimes on shift changes the nurse coming on will come around and talk to you introduce herself, and they ask me the big question to rate my depression and suicidal thoughts on a scale of 0 to 10 zero being the lowest. I say zero of course, I want out. Guess they don't believe me cause I'm still here. You are assigned a councelor and a social worker. But rarely if ever do you see them. I seen a social worker here once before. And two times I've seen a councelor. And I've been here like 8 or 10 times. So how do I feel today on a scale? Depression is 10, suicide is 10 and cutting is 12, and burning 10. Guess I'd be here forever if I told them the truth huh? Almost 2pm get to see hubby soon Yeah! Visitation is 7pm-8pm on weds and 2pm-3pm on sat and sun. Well the visit went ok. He lectured me the whole time. Everytime I call him or he comes here that is what he does. I am sick of it. He says if he didn't love me he wouldn't say a word. He brought me a carton of cigs and a whopper. I ate the whole dang thing, I planned on saving half for tonight but I was hungry. He is bringing daughter tomorrow. I asked for a pepsi. I sure miss my pepsi's. They have snack machines in the cafeteria but only caffeine free stuff. Think I am having all these headaches from caffeine withdrawl. It was great going out and smoking at 3:00 and knowing I had more. Called hubby at dinner and later called friend. She is having a ball with her new computer. She's wanting to play with some stuff I told her to hang on and let me show her how. Guess what?? Hubby said my sister in law is coming up to visit. I can't wait. She is ex hubby sister and I love her to death. My other friend called the house and said she would call me here but she hasn't. He said I had 11 calls on the answering machine when he got home from work monday WOW. Guess people do care after all.
