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Five things you won't hear on a bass boat:
1) "I really didn't need a motor this big."
2) "Could you unhook this fish? I hate getting my hands all icky."
3) "I sorta feel guilty about calling in sick."
4) "We'd better go. I want to get home while it's still light enough to cut the grass."
5) "It's kinda lonely out here. I hope some more boats show up soon."
How to tell that you're bassing in the big leagues:
The shiners in a tank at a Florida bait shop are larger than any fish you've ever caught.
What you hope you never hear in a bass boat:
"I can't imagine what happened to that spare shear pin."
Bass fisherman's weights and measures:
"Pound, pound-and-a-half." (Any fish under 8 ounces.)
"Hawg." (Any fish over 2 pounds.)
"Keeper." (Any fish between pound-and-a-half and hawg.)
Bassing demographics, or the "20-20-20 Rule":
A $20,000 bass boat, a $20,000 pickup to pull it, and a $20,000 double-wide to live in.
Best bassing advice not to take:
"I'll get this baby planed out. You get up in the front pedestal seat and watch for stumps.
Saddest words ever heard from a warm-water fisheries biologist:
"Judging by the size of the scale it left on your popper, that bass would have gone 9 or 10 pounds, easy."
10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Electrician Working On Your Boat
1. The words "gerry-rigged."
2. "I'm afraid this type of repair isn't covered under the warranty."
3. "Do you smell something burning?"
4. "This job is going to take a bit more work than we thought when we quoted our estimate."
5. "I think I found the problem. It appears that the boat's last owner tried to use telephone wiring instead of standard electrical wiring."
6. "Do you have good insurance?"
7. "It's nothing to worry about. You just blew a fuse. That'll be $50."
8. "Next time one of your electronics acts up, just give it a good smack on the side like this. That'll be $50."
9. Immediately upon stepping on board, "That'll be $50."
10. "There's nothing wrong with your boat's electrical system. As far as the mysteriously flickering lights go, I'd call the producers of Sightings if I was you."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The 2nd guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
BOAT CAPTAINS
To help the average fishing crew better understand the eccentric psyche of their screaming Captain, it should be noted that the average Fishing Boat Captain will fall into one of the seven standard categories:
THE CHEERLEADER "Okay guys, we're out here to win! win! win!"
THE TRADITIONALIST "Let me make one thing clear: we either win today or I'll be using you as chum tomorrow."
THE TECHNO-BRAT "Of course, we're going to win today. In addition to the most high-tech fishing gear that my father's money can buy, I've just installed a computer system that provides updated 4-color satellite charts every 15 minutes showing concise water temperatures and currents so that we can best guestimate the most productive fishing spots."
THE REALIST "In addition to all our high-tech fishing gear, I've taken the liberty of bringing along a healthy supply of dynamite."
MR. BY-THE BOOK "Look right here on page 47 of The Orvis Guide it says..."
THE DO-IT-MYSELFER "Today I'll be driving the boat to my favorite fishing holes, choosing the lures we will be using, and offering other helpful tips as the day goes on..."
THE DIRECTOR "Now I want you all to have your rods at hand from the from the moment we leave the dock, I want us to all look alert and ready, like the skilled fishing team that we are. Tony, I want you to stand stage left, while George you'll..."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, ntrying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
10 Clues That You Shouldn't Have Taken Your Boss Fishing
1. When you arrive at the dock, he asks you where the rest of your boat is.
2. Everytime you tell him one of your favorite fishing jokes, he moves to sit futher away from you until he runs out of room on your 15' boat
3. While you fish, he amuses himself by skimming rocks across the water, only he uses your $7 lures instead of rocks.
4. After your stunt driving causes him to chum overboard, he spontaneously tells you "not to worry any more about whether you're getting the promotion that you've been hoping for."
5. When you ask him if he wants a beer, he says "yes," then presses the cool can to his forehead to stem his throbbing headache.
6. After you snag him with your hook, he starts conversationally mentioning other jobs that you'd be suited for.
7. After your fishing dog marks his leg, he starts questioning the necessity for your entire department.
8. An hour into the trip, he suddenly remembers an emergency Sunday afternoon conference that he should be at.
9. He calls you Captain Bly and holds you at fillet knife point all the way back to the dock.
10. When you return to the dock, he offers your job to the teenager selling live bait.
10 Clues That You’ve Chosen The Wrong Fishing Guide
1. He's got the open engine manual sitting on the console next to the controls.
2. He screams "Yeehaa," as he turns the boat away from the dock and pushes the throttle forward.
3. He thinks it's an asset that he can drive so fast that he gets the boat completely out of the water.
4. It takes him two hours and twenty-five minutes to reach your fishing destination on a five hour charter.
5. He can't stop laughing when he realizes that his brother the Sheriff gave you a speeding ticket on your way to his boat, and says nothing about getting the ticket cancelled.
6. He casually tells you that on days he can't get a charter he's a delivery driver for Pizza Hut.
7. He goes on for hours about how boats are safer than cars, but only because there are less vehicles directly next to one to hit. He runs aground three times during this oration.
8. He goes on for hours about his alien abduction experiences, with much detail given to the tests they supposedly performed on him.
9. The other fishing guides hold up protective religious icons as he passes by.
10. At the end of the day's catchless fishing, he begs you to allow him to use your name as a reference, because none of his other 110 charters would.
Set of encyclopedias for sale. Don't need. Found out wife knows everything!
The Order of the Antelope were getting ready for their annual week-long campout in the high desert.
The committee appointed Jake to get the supplies. Jake went into the store in Lakeview and bought six cases of whiskey, twelve kegs of beer and a package of hotdogs. When he returned to the lodge the committee looked in his truck and the chairman asked," Jake, what the heck are we gonna do with all them hotdogs?"
True hell is when the devil tells you that you can have beer or bait but you can chose only one.
Three old men are sittin' in a john boat fishin a cove on a quiet sunday mornin' when a funeral procession drives by. One of the old men stands, takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The procession winds its way around the cove and dissapears over a hill. The old man puts his hat back on, sits down and continues fishing.
One of the other old timers sez "Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do."
Ed replies "It was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."
10 Clues That Your Car Isn’t The Right Tow Vehicle For Your New Boat
1. The boat you wish to tow has a larger engine than your car.
2. The boat you wish to tow can sleep more people comfortably than you can squeeze sitting upright into your car.
3. Each time you try to tow your boat uphill, you find yourself going back downhill with the boat as the new lead vehicle.
4. When you stomped on the gas to move your determinedly parked boat, the hitch tore off your car but the boat remained
stationary.
5. Your car's owners manual doesn't contain any information at all on towing or towing specifications.
6. The mechanics at your car dealership laughed uproariously when you told them you were going to trailer your new boat, and started making lists of what they were going to buy with their anticipated bonuses.
7. When the car and the boat trailer are attached, the boat completely covers the car in its shade.
8. When the car and the boat trailer are attached, your car's front wheels are off the ground.
9. You could park two of your car inside your boat.
10. Your car was parked near your boat when the boat's name was painted on and the painters took the liberty of stencilling
the word "Dinghy" on its rear bumper.
Alternate to Conventional Fishing Techniques
1. Troll for boats that have caught over their limit, then pretend that you're the local game warden and collect their excess catch.
2. Check over both your shoulders for signs of the authorities, then attach wires to your boat battery and toss them overboard and net the fish that rise to the surface.
3. Hang Uncle Bubba's feet over the side, then net the fish that rise to the surface as in #2.
4. Simply run down surface feeding fish with your new 20' red metalflake bass boat with it's 400 h.p. outboard.
5. Buy bait large enough that in case you get skunked it can double as your catch.
6. Submersible nuclear weapons.
7. If your football team is losing, throw the boat TV over to relieve frustration and achieve the same results as in suggestion #2 above.
10 Clues That You've Gone Overboard on Boat Improvements
YOU KNOW YOU'VE GONE OVERBOARD ON BOAT UPGRADES WHEN...
You've added the following to your 20' Zodiac inflatable...
...a radar arch with Comsat satellite navigation
...a wet bar
...a tuna tower
...a hot tub
...an 80 gallon livewell
...a swimming/diving/jet ski platform
...a 14' Zodiac as its tender
...a Bell Long Ranger helicopter with landing pad
...additional pontoon flotation, since your inflatable now weighs over 20,000 lbs.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
A Norwegian joke - about SWEDES
You're likely to hear this story if you happen to be in certain border areas of Norway.
For years a Norwegian and a Swedish border town had been staging an annual ice fishing competition on a lake that
straddled the border.
Each time the result was the same: Norwegians would walk off with buckets of fish and the grand prize, and the Swedes hadn't caught a single fish.
So one year the Swedes decided to send a spy across the lake, to the Norwegian camp, on the morning of the contest to see if they could find the secret of their neighbouring country's fishing successes.
The spy soon came running back, breathless, and exclaimed: "You know what those darned Norwegians are doing?
They're drilling holes in the ice!"
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