Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to All Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

The Southern English Dictionary
This basic vocabulary guide to our language down here is offered as a gesture of our hospitality to visiting Northerners who truly want to be able to understand what it is that we're saying.

Ah - The pronoun "I." i.e., "Ah done did that."
Ah'd - Contraction of I would. i.e., "Ah'd ruther be out huntin'."
Ah'll - Contraction of I will. i.e., "Think Ah'll mosey on down to the lake fer sum fishin."
buggy - A shopping cart.
daid - Dead. i.e., "They had to bury Billy Bob's dog 'cause he wuz daid."
fat - A physical confronrtation usually involving fists, but not always. i.e., "You youngins' best stop fatin' or I'm gonna whup your lil asses."
fer - For.
git - Get.
mayrd - Married. i.e., "I heard that Bubba and Mary Jo got mayrd last week."
Nawlins - Largest city in Louisiana. Known for it's jazz music and Mardi Gra Festival.
ruther - Rather.
snipe hunt - A practical joke that Southerners sometimes play on dumb Northerners.
sum - Some. i.e., "Want sum of my chewin' tabakki?"
tabakki - Tobacco.
thar - There.
whar - Where.
wuz - Was. i.e., "I wuz goin' to work today, but I think I'll lay out and go do sum fishin.'"
whup - To beat up. i.e., "Ifn's you knock my accent one more time, I'm gonna whup yore ass." Also, it can be used in the context of making something: i.e., "I'm a gitten hungry, think ahl whup up sumthin' to eat.
yawl - Contraction for you all. Sometimes written as ya'll.
yonder - Afar. At a great distance. i.e., "Hey look over yonder! Bubba's a fixin' to drive his four-wheeler through that bog.
yore - Your.
youngin - A child. plural: youngins.

Subject: New WIN98Subject: Check your Window 98 program for the Southern Edition -

Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the south. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Robert E.Lee superimposed on a confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Dern Contraption
Dial Up Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as The Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little plastic squar thangs, and Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

O.K. - ats aw-right
Cancel - stopdat
Reset - try er agin
Yes - yep
No - noop
Find - hunt fer it
Go To - over yonder
Back - git it agin
Help - hep me out hure
Stop - kwitit
Start - crank er up
Settings - sittins
Programs - stuff at duz stuff
Documents - stuff ah dune did
Run - git it a goin
Print - spit er out

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:

tiperiter - A word processing program
picher buk - Graphics programs
cyferin mersheen - Calculator
outhouse paper - Notepad
jukebox - CD Player
intemnet - Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers - A graphics viewer
irs - MS accounting software
irs 2 - MS acconting software with hidden files
taxes records - Usually an empty file
coon dawg - American Kennel Club record
hep a spellen - Spell check

You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the World Wide Web.

Fishin - Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA - National Riffle Association
Shotgun - Remington Arms home page
Riffel - Winchester home page
Truck - Ford & Chevy dealers by zipcode
House - Mobile Home Repair service and movers by zip code
Cuzzins - Dating service extrodinar

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused you if you have received a copy of WINDERS 98. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this heps all ya'll,

Billy Bob Gates,
Head Honcho

Southern Flavored Jokes:

Black Boxes in 4-wheel Drives

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Thinks He Knows Her

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

What's the difference between a yankee and a damned yankee? A yankee comes down here, looks around and goes back up North. A damned yankee comes down here, looks around and stays.

Southern Airfield

It was another typical day in the flight control tower of a rural Southern airfield as Bubba made his approach for a landing in his single engine Cesna.

"Hello, flight control! This here is Bubba and I'm requestin' clearance to land this thang."

The flight tower paused a moment then said, "OK, Bubba. You take Runway No. 9."

"Roger dodger, flight control," came back the reply. "I'm bringin' 'er in!"

Just then another flight was approaching the airfield from another direction. He too got on the air waves for clearance to land. "Hey, ya'll! This is Jethro. Gimme runway to land on."

"OK, Jethro," came back the propmpt reply. "You can take Runway No. 9."

There was a moment of silence before Jethro came back on the air. "Hey! I thought you just gave Runway No. 9 to Bubba?"

"That's right," replied the control tower, "..... ya'll be careful, hear now!"

High Test Dog

The big city salesman pulled his car into the little country gas station for a refill and a RC and moon pie. As he pulled up to the pumps a little old man, the service station attendant, came out of the store and greeted the stranger with a smile. "Fill 'er up?" he asked.

"Sure," said the salesman and with this he went on in the store to get the RC and moon pie while the old man filled up his tank with gas. Coming back outside he noticed an old hound dog laying beside one of the pumps, for all appearances dead to the world. "Does that dog ever move any at all?" asked the salesman.

The old man just grinned. He topped off the tank with gas then pulled the nozzle out and proceeded to pump a little gas into a bowl laying right in front of the old hound dog. To the salesman's astonishment, the dog then proceeded to lap up every bit of gasoline that was in the bowl. All of a sudden the old dog came to life like a firecracker going off. He ran around the gas station 5 or 6 times then tore off down the road at lightening speed only to turn around about a half mile down the road and come back towards the gas station on a dead run. Getting back to the station the dog came up to the pumps and then suddenly stopped and fell over and just layed there.

The salesman was stunned. "What's the matter with him," he asked, "is he dead?"

The old man started chuckling out loud. "Naw!" he said with a grin. "He's just out of gas."

Go Git Yo Mamma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "