*** Preliminaries ***




$$$ Round 1 $$$:
(Sephiroth VS. Tellah)
The battle begins cautiously with both competitors throwing some pretty heavy duty magic at each other. Sephiroth casts both Haste and M-Barrier and attacks with Fire 3.
Tellah throws up a Haste spell of his own and sets up a wall.
Sephiroth laughs, but then Tellah begins to collect all of his magical being to cast the ultimate spell........................METEO!!!!!!
Tellah throws everything he has into it, and lets fly with the spell.
A few cheesy 16-bit effects later, Sephiroth informs Tellah that Meteo is no longer the ultimate magic. Tellah is heartbroken, but has no time to recover as Sephiroth proceeds to yawn in boredom and crush the old man with his pinkie.
Tellah then proceeds to crumple into a pile of dust.

By a landslide: Sephiroth advances.


!!! Round 2 !!!:
(Cecil VS. Barret)

Barret: How can your cheap Super NES graphics hope to compete with the mighty Playstation? (score 1 one for Barret)
Cecil: My incredibly epic and moving storyline more than makes up for it (score 1 Cecil)
Barret: Yeah, I had a Super Nes once; I traded that pile of **** for my gun arm here. (score 1 Barret)
Cecil: At least I still got both my hands. You can't even spank yourself with the right hand (big score, 2 for cecil)
Barret: Why you little!

A bloody and brutal fight then breaks out and in the end Cecil wins by a cheap shot to the back while Barret is reloading his gun.

By a nose: Cecil advances.


^^^ Round 3 ^^^:
(Kefka VS. Squall)

Kefka ends up spending the first part of the match laughing madly and insanely at Squall, as Squall looks on with a puzzled expression.
Kefka then proceeds to push ancient statues around in order to unlock ancient powers. More odd looks from Squall.
Kefka then decides to finally cast something, but unfortunately it's too late.
Too bad Kefka.
Squall uses Renzokuken and since this cheesy last boss only has a mere 50,000 hp, he dies quickly.

Slightly confused about the whole thing: Squall advances.


&&& Round 4 &&&:
(Rinoa VS. Rydia)

This ends up being one of the quicker matches in the tournament.
Rinoa summons Angelo. Angelo bites Rydia.
Rydia summons Leviathan. Leviathan buries Rinoa underneath the sea.
End of story.

With help from the land of summoned monsters: Rydia advances.


((( Round 5 ))):
(Zell VS. Mog)

Round begins.
Zell backflips.
Mog does a little dance.
Zell backflips.
Mog does a little dance.
Zell backflips.
Mog does a little dance.
Zell backflips.
Mog does a little dance.
Zell backflips.
Mog does a little dance.
Zell backflips....oops! He just accidentily landed on Mog!
Oh no! The poor bugger just broke his legs!
Zell plays the good guy and helps him to the hospital.

Winning the only non-lethal match: Zell advances.


=== Round 6 ===
(Edea VS. Ultimecia)
OOPs!!!
Sorry, guys. This round has unfortunately already been decided buy the folks at Square.
Edea'a mind is no match for Ultimecia's mind control.
Ultimecia possesses Edea and forces her to play Final Fantasy Mystic Quest until her head explodes.

The pre-determined winner: Ultimecia advances.


+++ Round 7 +++:
(Cloud VS. The Emerald Weapon)

Emerald Weapon: I AM INVINCIBLE. NOTHING CAN DESTROY ME
Cloud: Except for 10 Knights of the Round summons back to back.
Emerald Weapon: BUT THAT'S SO BORING. DON'T YOU WANT TO TRY AND KILL ME THE FAIR WAY?
Cloud: Nope. (Uses Knights of the Round 10 times)
Emerald Weapon: DARN.

The victory that shouldn't have been: Cloud advances.


&&& Round 8 &&&:
(Chocoboo VS. Bahamaunt)

In what is sure to be the biggest upset in the tournament, Bahamaunt fails to defeat the ever lovable Chocoboo!

Bahaumut: Good-bye little bird.
Chocoboo: No wait! Don't you think I'm just *too* cute?
Bahaumut: Yes. It sickens me.
Chocoboo: But you know you can breed me...
Bahaumut: I have better things to do.
Chocoboo: But you'll never find the Knights of the Round materia and get the perfect game unless you breed me.
Bahaumut: Why do I care about having a perfect game? It's just a waste of time.
Chocoboo: No, you're all wrong! You're the king of the dragons! If anyone should have a perfect game it's you!
Bahaumut: Hmmmm.... you really think?
Chocoboo: Of course!
Bahaumut: Alright then silly bird, lets find you a lady friend. We're gonna do some breeding.

And so Bahaumut breeds...
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....
And he breeds....

Bahaumut: ARGHHHHHH!!!! I haven't even gotten a Green Chocoboo yet!!! ARGHHH!!!!
(Bahaumut gets frustrated and accidently Mega-Flares himself, burning his body to a crisp.)
Chocoboo: Hmmm... maybe I should have told him that I'm a ''poor'' chocoboo. Oh well.

Darn bird: Chocoboo advances.



Return to Main Page