DISCLAIMER: I do not own GW, and I am using these characters without permission for no profit, for that is the definition of Fanfiction. Comments appreciated.

Dear Trowa,

How are you? I hope you’re settling into your new mission okay. Still, you’ve had a lot of practice at infiltrating OZ bases, so I guess you’ll be doing alright. S told us we shouldn’t use our regular e-mail addresses to contact you, in case OZ recognizes them (I guess Deathscythe4pres is pretty obvious but Duo doesn’t see what’s wrong with it). So don’t be surprised to find e-mail from strange addresses in your mail!

There’s not much news here. Relena is still here, annoying Wufei by filling the bathroom with her styling products and asking if we’re sure we don’t know when Heero is going to get back. What’s worse, Duo hasn’t stopped baiting Wufei and the two of them keep getting into massive arguments which only end in one of them dragging the other away to settle it privately. Then we won’t see them for hours. I just know one of them is going to be dead before Heero returns - why did S have to choose now to send you on this mission?

Okay, so I know winning the war is important but I miss you a lot. You’re very, um, special to me. Take care, won’t you? And write back soon.

Yours truly,

Quatre.

Hey Trowa!!

Bet you’re having loads of fun sneaking into OZ and that! Man, why is it I got stuck with the only one of the doctors who takes a three week vacation during a war? I’m going to be stuck here doing nothing while the rest of you get to do fun stuff like infiltrating the enemy and blowing things up. Would you mind doing me a massive favour and sending something our way that I could explode, like a small satellite or a colony or something? Me and Deathsycthe are getting rusty . . . although parts of us are getting a very good workout ^^;;

So, are you and Q-man getting it on yet?

G2g, Wufei’s getting argumentative.

The god of death.

Dear Trowa,

Actually, I deliberately misspelled ‘intelligent.’ It’s supposed to be funny. You’re the first one to notice! And yes, I have switched to tea. Rashid said it would make him sleep easier, whatever that means. It’s not the same as coffee but I suppose I’ll do fine without caffeine. Besides, tea is supposed to be healthier . . . and when you pile on the sugar it's quite nice.

Anyway, I have to go. Wufei is insulting Duo’s hair again. You’d think Relena, being a pacifist, would be a bit more concerned but all she’s doing is nagging Duo about whether or not he thinks Heero has changed his e-mail address again.

Yours,

Quatre.

To all base staff and military personnel,

It has come to my attention that someone has been removing all the paper clips from Mr Treize’s office. This is a clear breach of protocol as well as extremely inconvenient to our beloved commander. Personnel are reminded that Mr Treize’s paper clips are placed in his office to be used by him, and him alone. Their removal is an act of insubordination that will not be tolerated.

Col. Une.

Dear Trowa,

Good news. I’ve come up with a way to stop Wufei and Duo from fighting. I’ve managed to convince them that we should all work together to convince Relena to leave. Both of them agreed that we need Miss Peacecraft to go. It’s not that we don’t like her, it’s just that she does make the carrying out of our missions rather difficult. And Duo suspects that Relena being here is the reason Heero hasn’t returned yet.

So it’s actually in the best interests of our missions to get rid of her. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Do you have any ideas? I suggested gradually cutting off all comforts to the safe house, starting with the shower, in order to make life so uncomfortable she wouldn’t be able to put up with it but Duo refused to allow it. He was very vocal on the point. For some reason Wufei went very quiet and then agreed with Duo.

I’ve got a feeling there is something going on there but I just can’t work out what.

I hope your mission is going well.

Love,

Quatre.

Hello Trowa,

I was just wondering if you’d heard anything from Heero lately. He doesn’t seem to be replying to any of my e-mails, so I don’t know if he’s been getting them. If you happen to hear from him, would you mind asking him? Or better yet, you could forward his address to me or my team of Heero trackers. Their address is Team-Relena@PI_for_the_very_obssessed.com That would be very helpful, thank-you.

I hope your mission is going well and is not too violent,

Relena Peacecraft.

Trowa,

You’ve made good progress with phase one of the mission. I think it is safe to prokeed to phase two. Be kareful - I don’t think I have to remind you how important this mission is.

Doktor S.

Hi Trowa!

It was really nice of you to reply to my e-mail. I’m very happy, it made me forget how much I want coffee for a while. Anyway we’re going to go with your suggestion and pretend to be sick with something disfiguring and infectious so Relena will have to leave. If that doesn’t work we’ll go with Duo’s suggestion and release a hundred scorpions into her room.

I think he’s been watching The Mummy too much.

I’ve got to go - I have a caffeine craving.

Yours,

Quatre.

I thought that last memo was quite clear but it appears there are people at this base with no regard for Mr Treize’s wishes or convenience. Not only have the paper clips surreptitiously removed from his office not been returned, but paperclips have also begun to disappear from the offices of other senior staff members. Whoever is responsible, stop this now. Otherwise, no more Ms Nice Une. We mean that.

Colonel Une.

Man, this sucks. It’s enough to make anyone talk like Wuffie. We decided to go with Chicken Pox as being contagious and giving you spots which make you unattractive to Heeros. Apparently the Doctors forgot to tell us that ordinary kids get vaccinated against it young, so Relena is in no danger of getting it.

It gets worse though. She’s making us all stay in bed (not the same bed unfortunately) while she makes us soup and tells us off for doing anything. Who knew she had a Florence Nightingale streak? Wufei is covering for me as I make a break for the computer. Come back and save us please!

Duo (Just call me Spot) Maxwell.

Trowa,

I really must kongratulate you on your outstanding progress so far. Initiate stage 3 at your diskernment.

BTW, you might want to get vakkinated for khiken pox. It’s apparently going around your fellow pilots. O is throwing a hissy fit: ‘Germs are weakness! Injustice!’ It’s his own fault for not getting Wufei the injektion as a khild.

And by the way, would you mind informing Ms Peakekraft that the only one of us doktors with any knowledge of Heero’s whereabouts is J, the rest of us know less than you guys, so kontinually pestering us won’t help.

Doktor S.

Quatre told me he’d been vaccinated. What the hell is going on?

Heero.

Trowa,

I never thought I’d say this, but it might be wise for you to delay the end of your mission as long as possible. After the ‘Chicken pox’ debacle the Doctors decided that this had shown a weakness in their training and they’ve made a list of diseases we’re to be immunised against. Duo is locked in the bathroom saying that no amount of bribery is going to convince him to come out and face the needles (apparently the God of Death has a phobia). Wufei has called him an onna although his heart isn’t in it. The doctors asked Sally to administer the injections.

Furthermore Relena has decided to put her search for Heero on hiatus while she takes care of us.

Things can not get any worse. I am seriously craving Espresso. De-caf just isn’t the same . . .

Yours,

Quatre.

To all personnel,

Last night the stationary store was hit and all the paper clips removed. Personnel are urged to guard carefully all remaining paper clips, and ration their use. You are, of course, required to keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior as usual. It is now apparent that these attacks are a deliberate attack on the power of the base. With that in mind, all personnel are advised to keep a watch for a Caucasian male, aged 15, with long brown hair commonly worn in a braid, and an obnoxious personality.

Colonel Une.

Hey Trowa,

As a matter of fact I did remove all the staples from an OZ base I was in once. How did you know?

I’ve got to go now. Sally’s going to be here in an hour. She informed us last night that some of the injections are made on our butts. Relena has foiled all five of our escape attempts, so Wufei and I have decided to get very drunk before she gets here.

Quatre’s no help. He found the card that says he got his vaccinations as a child and is gloating.

G2g,

Duo.

Trowa,

That is an exkellent suggestion. Widen the mission parameters to inklude staples as well.

By the way, you’re kertain you’ve been vakkinated against every disease known to man?

Doktor S.

To everyone,

I just thought I’d run over a common medical fact; alcohol and injections are not a good combination. Pilots 2 & 5 are seemingly unaware of this, as is Miss Peacecraft (how did they manage to get her drunk? She didn’t even need a vaccination). BTW, we may have a problem. A few hours ago Quatre suddenly yelled ‘That is IT! No more bloody Decaf!’ and stormed out of the safe house.

He has not been seen since although the local television station reports a violent gang storming the town’s coffee houses. I suggest everyone keep a low profile. The Maguanacs are hiding under various beds.

Sally Po.

I have decided to stop being a Gundam pilot. War is icky and not nice. I am going to buy a farm and grow flowers instead.

Injustice! We have run out of Jack Daniels.

Chang.

I just thought I’d let you know I’m no longer interested in dating Heero. I’ve fallen in love with my car.

BTW, pacifism can go to hell.

Relena.

Man, my head feels like its been trampled by all five Gundams and the Manguanac corps. And my butt hurts (from the injections). This sucks. Plus Relena is in the shower hogging all the hot water trying to get the black dye to come out of her hair. I personally thought she looked rather good as a gothic chick, but I need to get into the bathroom to retrieve the nail polish remover. Hot pink nails are just so not Shinigami.

Wufei’s also woken up. I think this is the first time he’s had a hangover; he kept muttering something about ‘weakness’ and ‘onna’ and ‘failure to keep the honour of his colony.’ I had to talk him out of committing ritual suicide to repair his damaged honour and gave him a couple of aspirin. I should go check on him. I don’t know what he’s going to do when he finds out he subscribed to the Spice Girls mailing list.

BTW, heard from Quatre? We haven’t seen him since yesterday.

See you,

Duo, god of hangovers.

Ignore any e-mails I sent last night. If you have received one but not read it already, delete it. If you have delete it anyway. If I find any of you have forwarded it to that vindictive she-demon, Sally Po, I will hunt you down and torture you in such a way as to make the Spanish Inquisition look like a Brady Bunch episode.

Master O, I am extremely ashamed of my weakness and will not allow it to happen again. Duo and I have removed anything resembling alcohol from the safe house and promise never to listen to ‘If you want to be my lover’ ever again.

Chang.

BTW, is itchiness a common symptom of hangovers?

Hi everyone!

Please ignore any e-mails you may have received from me last night. I was not myself. If Heero got one of them, could you please tell him I didn’t mean it? I think he’s a lot more attractive than my car.

BTW, I’m leaving for Paris and an emergency makeover immediately. I’m not fit to be seen by anyone, let alone Heero, at the moment.

Relena.

First of all, paper clips disappeared from my office. Now I can’t find a staple to save my life and Une is changing personalities if someone looks at her ‘funny’. This is not good enough, people. I’m placing a guard outside my door 24 hours and from now on if you want stationary you must obtain a permission slip from your commanding officer.

This has got to stop. The future of OZ depends on it.

Treize.

ALL YOUR MOCHA ARE BELONG TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You won’t believe this - man, I can’t stop cracking up. Wufei went around yesterday complaining of itchiness and now he’s all spotty - guess who’s got Chicken Pox?

G2g - he threatened to kill me if I told anyone.

Duo.

You’re making very good progress with the mission. A kouple of the doktors were wondering . . . would you mind installing a spy kamera in Kolonel Une’s shower? We feel that this would be essential to monitoring the base and OZ.

S.

Hee-chan’s back! And we’re going on a mission! Isn’t that great?

Still no sign of Quatre although someone keeps phoning us, breathing heavily down the phone line but not saying anything. Weird.

Anyway, we’re outta here!

Duo the great destroyer.

Do we take that as a no?

Barton,

It has come to my attention that Maxwell might have been spreading pernicious rumors to the effect that I have Chicken Pox. This is not true. I merely have a very high priority mission that requires I stay in bed for the next few days. I am not sick especially not with such a wussy disease.

BTW, would you mind sending me some aspirin and baking soda if you get the chance?

Chang.

Dear Trowa,

I must say I was surprised to receive your e-mail. Especially since all it consisted of was you telling me you couldn’t stand me. But I thought about it, and realised that you’re strong, anti-social, a terrorist, and somewhat attractive. Do you want to get lunch some time?

XXXXX

Relena.

Dear Trowa,

I’m back. The caffeine seems to have worn off but the Maguanacs are still refusing to come out from under their beds and too sudden movements make me jumpy. One entire town seems to have vanished from the face of the earth, but the earth had too many towns anyway. Wufei seems to have developed some really bad acne too, but that’s beside the point.

Did you mean what you said in that last e-mail? If so, do you want to get married first?

Love Quatre.

Barton,

What is the meaning of this injustice?

Chang.

Hey Trowa,

Checked your sent items? Me and Heero’s mission turned out to be infiltrating an OZ base to steal some information so while Heero was hacking through the base fire wall I amused myself by hacking into your e-mail account and sending a couple of harmless messages. BTW ‘Heavyarms’ is not much of a password.

Have fun!

Duo.

All soldiers involved in the planned raid on Rebel territory to take place at 14:00 hrs today are informed that this raid will not be taking place. Instead all staff are requested to join Colonel Une's office staff in searching for the missing pages of the attack plan that have, due to the paper clip shortage, been misplaced.

Colonel Une will not be joining us. She is in the medical bay suffering from the accumulation of recent stress. I'm sure you will all join me in wishing her a pleasant sabbatical and we hope that she will be off the sedatives soon.

Treize Kushenedra.

Trowa,

It will come as no surprise to you, I’m sure, to learn that Duo is currently in hospital. Apparently Quatre wasn’t as over the caffeine as he thought. Hopefully we’ll have a week of peace and quiet while Duo’s leg mends. I’m quite impressed - Quatre managed to break it in three places using his bare hands. That must have been some message Duo sent him. What was in it?

Heero.

PS. A large convoy of pink passed through here a few days ago, on its way to all the OZ bases in the area. I think Relena might be looking for you.