Set Me Free
by Ricci

Email: barw2a01@uni-trier.de

Author's notes: This is a 1x2, with some 'guest appearances' of 4. Beside that it's a pretty mushy story and inconsistent with the Gundam Wing timeline. Gomen nasai!

I took some liberties with the medical stuff in this story, the treatments administered here would never happen in the real world. But, hey, they can build gundams, sooo...... ^_~


Many thanks to Chaos Angel who beta-read the story for me,arigatou gozaimasu!!

Archive: of course, if you like to!

C&C craved!

*~*~*


Part 4:


"Damn thing... turned it off, didn't I?" Duo awoke the moment he realized that it wasn't his alarm he was hearing, but the doorbell.

"Coming!" he yelled and scrambled out of bed, hopping on one foot while trying to fit the other into one leg of his black jeans. He cursed when he nearly tripped. "Hang on a sec!" Hastily he stumbled to the door and opened it. Junako's worried face met him.

"What are you DOING?" she asked urgingly. "You should have been at work an hour ago! Didn't you call Hazegawa-san?" She flushed when she looked at his bare upper torso.

"No, I didn't." Duo answered quietly and leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest. "Junako-san... I'm not gonna go back there." Junako frowned and Duo wondered briefly if that was anger simmering in her grey eyes.

"You can't be serious, Duo-san." Yes, definitely anger. "You're throwing your job away? And how do you plan to pay your rent??" Duo pushed himself away from the doorframe, unconsciously blocking the door.

"It's not like I need this apartment anyway! I'll just move to another place and get myself a decent job." Junako wasn't fooled. She heard the 'now that Heero isn't here anymore'. Bitterness coursed through her.

"Fine. Run away if you think that that's going to help. I only regret I put so much effort into convincing Hazegawa-san not to fire you immediately." The disappointment threatened to choke her, and so she just turned and went, tossing a soft "Sayonara." over her shoulder. Duo watched her go until the elevator doors closed behind her, before he stormed into his apartment again and slammed the door shut with all his might.

"FUCK YOU ALL!!!!" It hurt. He wrapped his long arms around himself and trembled. He hated himself, hated Heero, loved Heero... "God, I love you, baka." Duo whispered. "Why can't you see that?" He slumped down on the couch. Suddenly his life enfolded itself before his inner eye in a clarity that shocked him to the very core. Heero was all he had. Quatre and Trowa were friends, from a distance, but there was no one close to him. The ex-pilot shivered.

What had happened to him?

He used to go out anytime he could, used to socialize and hang out in bars or discos, used to flirt ravenously with both genders... The excitement, the thrill-- where did it all go?

Duo opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as he rested his head on the soft cushions of the couch. He felt so torn between his love for Heero and the sense of duty affiliated with that and the desire to be free again, unbound. There had never been a real opportunity to revel in the feeling that the war was (hopefully)over for good. That joyous relief had transformed into a festive mood among the people who celebrated the peace on the streets, in parties, everywhere. Duo hadn't been a part of that. He remembered sitting in some other plastic chair in the hospital and listen to Kitamura's analytic explanations, frozen in shock. Duo's gaze swept over the small apartment nearly apologetically.

'I'm gonna leave,' he realized suddenly 'and try to find the Duo Maxwell I always wanted to be.'

The tiredness left him in a sudden rush and he felt alive again. He stretched languidly and levered himself up off of the couch, grabbing his shirt and looking for his coat, while he slipped into it. His conscience stirred and reminded him that he was supposed to call the therapist in the hospital, or at least see how Heero was doing, but Duo made an effort to ignore it. This wasn't about Heero, this was something he needed to do for himself, or he might lose the chance and regret it forever. On some level it was crystal clear to Duo that he was on the road that led inevitably to the point where he would hate Heero for stealing his youth, for binding Duo to him in a bond that was invisible yet indestructible and devoured Duo wholly at the same time. He couldn't let that happen. Even if that meant leaving Heero behind. For now, it was better that way.

*~*~*

Heero found that the waiting was slowly but surely getting on his nerves. Maybe that had been part of Kitamura's tactic, to let him smolder in his own impatience. But Kitamura didn't know about his training. So Heero stayed silent and endured the long minutes, until there was a faint knock on the door. He didn't acknowledge it, as usual, and so it took some time until the door opened a crack and a head popped up.

"Heero-san? You awake?" Heero remained stonily quiet. Slender shoulders followed the long-haired head, finally Heero glanced sideways and took in the lanky figure and rumpled appearance of a still young doctor."The name is Toyama!" the newcomer said cheerily and flopped down into the seat. Heero groaned mentally.

Great. The Duo Maxwell Syndrome.

"...you’re feeling better," Toyama finished saying just as Heero began to listen to him again.

"I'm fine."

"Oh, that's always good to hear. I'm here to talk to you about the implications of your impairment." Toyama answered and went from cheerful to serious in the fraction of a second. Heero shot him a glance.

"I am paralyzed. I won't be able to walk again. What's there to talk about?" Toyama seemed to consider this for a moment.

"It is not clear yet if you will STAY paralyzed. For all we know it could be just temporal. Aren't you curious?" Heero swallowed, but didn't know what to say. Toyama just smiled and continued. "First we'll concentrate on the physical therapy. Do you remember Shelley? She worked with you before the operation and will start therapy again as soon as your stitches have come out. And..." Toyama bent down and rummaged through the bag he'd brought with him, "I want to test your memory with this test kit. Do you feel up to it?" Heero nodded and couldn’t help but feel relief surge through his body that this strange doctor didn't know about his death wish and wasn't going to pick him apart.

Together they went through the questions and tasks of the test kit, Heero answering in monosyllables most of the time. His mind kept wandering back to Duo, wishing to be with him while denying it at the same time.

Duo was his anchor in this reality, he was the only one who was *real*...

But Duo loved him. Or an image of him, Heero couldn't decide what was true. All he knew was that this Duo was a stranger to him in many ways, that he missed so many things. When had Duo become so tall? Why was he so very thin? What did he do in those two years? Did he have a job? So many questions, and Heero was afraid to ask them, afraid to admit weakness and insecurity when he needed to feel strong and aloof to keep his self esteem. He hated to feel so dependent, hated all the implications of being impaired. Heero was glad when Toyama finally was through with his questions and sat back to study him for a moment.

"Do you have any questions, Heero-san?" Heero suppressed the sigh that rose in his chest and looked down at his hands.

"When will Duo be back?" God, how he hated that!

"I don't know, I'm sorry. From what I heard he won't be here today, at least that's what Kitamura-sensei told me. Do you want me to give him a call? I could-- "

"No." Heero interrupted him quietly. "I am tired." Toyama took the hint and got up to leave. Before he closed the door behind him he shot one last glance at the young man who was trying so hard to erect impenetrable walls around his heart. Eventually he'd find out that he'd only shut out the warmth that way.

*~*~*

Heero wasn't tired. In fact, all he wanted to do was run away, leave that damned place to find out what had happened to the world he had used to know. Oh, it would have been simple to ask, for a newspaper, for some old reports... or for Duo who surely would be more than willing to relay the whole story to him, and if only for the reason that it would give him an excuse for talking two hours.

But once again that would mean admitting weakness.

Heero turned his head very slowly and stared at the window; at the tiny spot of gray heaven he could see and the branches of a big tree that rocked in the wind. It was snowing again, or still, and with the snow came a strange silence. The minutes seemed to tick away, until Heero was ready to scream, just to tear the oppressive weight of the silence in the room.

'Why didn't I die... I wasn't supposed to live... what's there to live for anyway... can't feel my legs...' His thoughts went in circles, on and on like a horrible merri-go-round, and finally centered on one word.

'Duo... Duo Duo Duo Duo....'

*~*~*

Duo came to a halt in front of the old looking house in the old parts of the city. This was his sixth attempt now, and if it wouldn't work, he'd crawl right back to Hazegawa-san and beg for mercy. He straightened and plastered his best disarming and charming grin on his face before entering. The bar was empty at this time of day, only the wax on the tables and the wooden seats, worn smooth by people sitting on them over the years, told their own story about the times this place came alive with music, laughter and smoke. Behind the bar there was an old man, absently wiping the counterwhile staring at a TV screen above his head. Duo cleared his throat.

"Sumimasen..." The old man noticed him and turned around.

"Heya, son, what do ya want?" Still smiling Duo stepped closer.

"I'm looking for a job. Do you need anyone?" The old man eyed him while chewing on his wrinkled lip.

"How old are ya?" Duo did his best to hide his anger at that question. Better not act like a smartass right now.

"Eighteen. An adult."

"Not in the old times, my son, uh-uh, not then." Duo's hopes started to go downhill. Damn you, grandpa, today I AM! The old man still eyed him with an indecipherable expression, until his face wrinkled even more to something that was similar to a grin. "Ya got patience. That good, that very good." He slapped his flat hand on the bar. "Sit down, will ya." It wasn't a question, and so Duo complied. "Ya like whiskey?" Duo nodded slowly. Was that a test or what? "That's the spirit, sonny, nothing like the firy lady whiskey, if ya know what I mean." The old man gave him a conspirator’s wink and vanished behind a black curtain that separated the bar from another room. When he came back he held two glasses and a dusty bottle of whiskey. He sat them on the table with a sharp clank and poured some whiskey for both him and Duo. "Cheeri-ou!!" Before Duo could even blink the old man had tossed the shot back and was busy pouring himself another one. Duo hesitantly raised the glass and took a big gulp. It was liquid fire, lava slowly searing down its way to his poor stomach. Duo's eyes bulged and he started to cough violently, a hand sneaking up to stroke his burning throat. The old man grinned at him appreciatively. "Good stuff, ne? Brewed this myself in... oh, a long time ago." He looked at the bottle lovingly. "Ma’s good ol' baby." When Duo was sure he could trust his voice again he dared to ask a second time.

"Uh, so... about this job..."

"Ya still want it?" For some reason the old man looked surprised. Duo nodded and grinned. Trying to scare me away, eh? "If ya still want it..." the old man said contemplatively, before he broke into a huge grin, "Then ya can have it!! Shigemaru!" Just as Duo wondered what THAT was supposed to mean, the old man winked at him again. "That's m'name, son. And you're...?"

"Duo Maxwell, sir." Shigemaru looked utterly disgusted. "Aw, don't insult me! Sir! Ha! I'll show ya sir!" And with that he tossed his, what, fifth? sixth? shot back. "When can ya start working?" Duo was so relieved that he was sure he could hear the sound of a big rock falling from his shoulders.

"Tomorrow. This evening. Now!" Old Shigemaru nodded solemnly. "Now THAT's the spirit, sonny! Bring the papers and be back at six." Duo extended his hand.

"Thank you, sir." The old man actually pouted. "Sir, sir, sir! I won't give ya my hand if ya call me sir! Shi-ge-ma-ru. Ya can add a san if it makes ya happy!" Duo couldn't help but laugh. This bar might not be the coolest in the old marketplace, but it was cozy. Plus it had Shigemaru. The old guy grinned at him madly, before he made a shooing gesture with both his hands. "Now get lost, I'm watchin' TV. Six, don't forget!" Duo nodded.

"Hai, I'll be there!" As he strode out of the bar he couldn't believe his luck. No more bitching Hazegawa! No more being at work at seven thirty in the morning, with just a huge stack of newspapers to wade through, gathering useful information for the archives.

Freedom! Suddenly the day seemed so much brighter.

Two hours later Duo sat in his apartment and drinking some coke, and watching the sun set through the huge panorama window. He would have to go soon, to his new job, to his new life, hopefully. He would have to leave this small apartment behind as well, he knew that without doubt. His heart ached when he thought about that, both because it held so many painful memories, and because it hurt to leave them behind. When Duo saw the two beds, side by side, he couldn't help but remember all those times when he had watched Heero sleep peacefully, all those little movements he made during the day that had Duo hoping in the beginning that Heero was about to wake up soon. Duo remembered sitting cross-legged on Heero's bed, Heero being propped up against the pillows, while Duo read some book to him and laughed at the jokes alone.

"Baka." Duo chided himself and emptied the can. Memories were for old people who lived in the past. He was still young, still free to chose the direction his life would be taking. Stretching once more he got up and left a part of his life.

Memories wouldn't stop him.

*~*~*

He wouldn't come.

It was already dark outside, the snow still drifting slowly to the ground as it had all day. Heero knew because he had watched it while he'd waited for the loud-mouthed baka to come back. Something hurt deep inside at that realization, in a place where Heero didn't dare to go and he tried to shut the pain out, until the familiar emptiness filled him, drowned him.

Will it be like that every day now? he wondered. Will I lose the last bit of self respect I still have just because I will wait for him every day? Heero had let the hospital day flow around him, had let them run tests, ask questions, poke and prod until they were satisfied, because he didn't have the strength to actually care. His lifeline had been Duo once again, as much as he hated to admit it, this need. Why didn't he come? Heero was as confused as he could get. Nothing made sense anymore, he didn't have the minimum of facts he needed to re-evaluate his situation as he would do in any mission he got. All he had was this need for the baka and the pain, and since the pain threatened to overwhelm him at times, he clung to the image of violet eyes and grinning lips in a heart-shaped, open, and endearing face. Even though it had changed, matured, in those two years he had missed, the eyes and those lips were still the same. Heero clenched his teeth as the need tore through him again.

If you were here now, Duo, I'd let you hold me, I'd bury my head in your chest and let your fingers soothe away the pain...

The neonlight went out suddenly, as the night shift began and the hospital floors quieted down. Heero's eyes adjusted to the darkness and he stared at the branches that scraped over the glass of the window with a soft sound.

He had never felt this lonely. He had always been able to control emotions like these and go on with his life, they had never held such power over him. Why couldn't he make them go away? He hated this feeling of loneliness that bordered on self-pity as much as he hated his current situation.

I don't want to live... I don't want to die either. I just don't want to live like this anymore. Two days and he was giving up already. And the next round of loneliness that bordered on self-pity began.

*~*~*

A beeping noise attracted the attention of the night nurse immediately. She had been instructed to monitor this particular patient very closely, so she knew immediately what the beeping implied. In a haste she called the ER team and all but raced to Yuy-san's room, punching Kitamura's beeper number into the EC device she carried with her all the time. Two hours later her fellow colleagues returned to the ER while Kitamura had ordered Yuy-san to be placed in the ICU once more.

Kitamura was exhausted. Not only had Heero's heart stopped twice, he had gone into seizures on top of that, tearing some of the stitches and perhaps inflicting even more damage on his sensitive system. Kitamura exhaled sharply, disappointment and anger mixing with worry. He'd have to call Garibaldi first thing in the morning and... Duo.

The creases on his forehead got deeper as he thought about the young man. He'd tried to get a hold of him for hours, but he was nowhere to be found. Duo's enraged boss had made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see Duo ever again, and no one in the hospital had seen him visit Heero.

Weird.

That had to have been the first day since Kitamura had first met Duo that Duo hadn't been there to see Heero. Something was going on. And it wasn't good. Maybe Toyama had some clue of what was happening.

*~*~*

Duo was having the time of his life. When he had arrived at six, there had been two other men, maybe three or four years older than him, preparing the bar for opening. Shigemaru had still been wiping the counter and watching a game show, but had introduced Duo to the other men, Tetsuro and Shikawa. Duo found back into his old habits quickly, joking around and earning more than a few hearty laughs. Around seven the first patrons arrived, shortly before midnight the bar was cramped. Most of the visitors were older than Duo, even older than his co-workers, and he recognized the music to be from before the war. Between taking orders and laughing along with the others Duo realized just how much he had missed this atmosphere. He had to yell to be understood, but everyone was relaxed and enjoying themselves.

All the voices, the laughter, the music and the smoke... Duo was in his element. Shigemaru was cracking up jokes and had his own little audience as he sat on a bar stool and nearly fell off because of his wild gesturing. After two girls had tried to hit on him Duo's male ego was proud that he obviously hadn't lost his touch, though his thoughts sneaked back to Heero once or twice. It didn't matter.

At four in the morning the last guests left and the place lapsed into a strange silence. Shigemaru still sat with crossed arms on his stool, snoring through his open mouth. Tetsuro leaned exhausted against a wall, while Shikawa started to clean the tables and empty the ashtrays. Duo's feet were killing him, and his eyes burned from all the smoke.

"Geez..." Tetsuro cracked one eye open at him.

"Yeah... and it's just in the middle of the week." Duo's eyes widened.

"God!"

"You can call me Tetsuro, you know," retorted Tetsuro dryly as they shared their last good laugh before cleaning up together and waking Shigemaru who went to the counter and checked the money. When it was Duo's turn Shigemaru grinned broadly. "One, two, three, four.... ten thousand yen for yer shift. Aaaand... tada! These are yer tips!" With that he pressed another five thousand yen into Duo's hand.

"Holy shit!" Shikawa whistled despite his exhaustion. Duo still stared with wide eyes at the fistful of money.

"Are you-- are you sure that's correct??" Shigemaru nodded solemnly.

"Ya seem to be a good waiter, son! Good work today."

Duo smiled. "Thank you, Shigemaru-san." The old man waved disgustedly. "Aw, there he goes and '-san's me again! Yer’re impossible!"

It had been a long time since Duo had been in such a good mood. He couldn't help but feel proud of himself. Finally he was making his own decisions again, finally he met other people... and he seemed to do well in his job. When had Hazegawa-san ever praised him? He felt bad that he had upset Junako who surely thought he was one of the biggest jerks alive, but for once he didn't feel like he was choking under some invisible weight. He unlocked the door to his apartment and slipped inside, still feeling lightheaded. The answering machine was blinking furiously, indicating that obviously someone had desperately tried to reach him. Duo pressed the play button and kicked off his shoes. After the first few words he stilled and stared at the machine. No!!

*~*~*

Kitamura looked up when the door to his office was slammed open to reveal a disheveled Duo with a desperate expression on his face. "Where is he? Why's his room empty??"

"Calm down, Duo-san! He was transferred to ICU; he had a pretty rough night, but he's fine now." Kitamura said sternly. Duo was still panting heavily, slowly closing the door and plopping down on a seat.

"Oh." Kitamura still had that stern expression.

"What I would like to know is where you were yesterday. I tried to call you numerous times. You missed your first session with Toyama-san." Duo didn't meet his eyes.

"Sorry 'bout that. I was... I needed to be for and by myself a while." Kitamura sensed that there was more to it, but he didn't ask.

"Do you want to see Heero-san? He's sleeping right now." Duo nodded slowly.

"I'll take you there."

*~*~*

Heero was indeed sleeping peacefully when Kitamura drew back the curtain that separated all the beds in the ICU from each other. Once again there was an army of machines surrounding him, beeping and blinking like they had a life of their own. Duo adjusted the surgeon's mask he was wearing and stepped closer.

"What exactly happened, after all?" he asked Kitamura quietly, not taking his eyes off the slumbering Heero. Kitamura sighed and flipped open Heero's chart that he carried with him. "We're not exactly sure. He just went into seizures; that's a common risk with every brain injury. It's also the reason we kept such a close eye on him. Garibaldi-sensei suggested we put him on special medication, but with all the drugs he was receiving then... I didn't want any resistances or dependencies to form. He is alright now, just sleeping off the effect of the painkillers we gave him, and he'll be transferred back to his room as soon as he wakes up." Kitamura sighed again."This is new territory, Duo-san. There is no procedure that tells me what to do, and Garibaldi-sensei is the real expert. If you want..." Here Kitamura started to sound uncomfortable, "...we can transfer him to Europe where he would be one of Garibaldi-sensei’s patients. In fact Garibaldi-sensei asked me to suggest that to you." Duo touched Heero's hand softly.

"No. I'm sorry, but I trust you, Kitamura-sensei. I know you're doing everything you can... and I can't go to Europe now... If you don't have any objections I'd like him to stay here."

Kitamura was relieved. He'd grown too fond of Duo and Heero to just pass them on like they were nothing more than test objects. Though he and Garibaldi went way back and he trusted his old friend, he knew that Heero would be just another number, another person that easily blended in with the rest of patients. He was also sure that Garibaldi wouldn't let Duo-san 'interfere' with the therapy.

"Thank you for your faith in me." said Kitamura softly and smiled at Duo. "But please talk to Toyama-sensei, ne?" Duo sighed and looked down at Heero again, stroking back a stubborn lock of dark-brown hair from the handsome face.

"I will." he answered. "I promise." He stayed true to his promise. Though it meant ignoring his exhaustion and once more succumbing to the silent steady rhythm of hospital life, he went to Toyama's office in the basement at nine o'clock in the morning, leaving the still unconscious Heero in the care of the nurses. He knocked on the white door, feeling a little bit self-conscious suddenly. "Uhm... hello? Toyama-sensei?"

He heard a muffled "Come in!" and opened the door slowly. Behind a huge desk a bespectacled dark-haired man rose and smiled warmly, extending his hand. "You must be Maxwell-san, ne? Come in, come in!" Duo took the offered hand and shook it, relaxing.

"Yes. Kitamura-sensei told me to come here. Uhm, is it okay...?" Toyama nodded and gestured him to sit down.

"Perfectly fine, Maxwell-san. I would have called you today anyway." When Duo had plopped down on the brown loveseat in front of the large wooden desk, Toyama continued, "So you're Yuy-san's legal guardian?" Duo nodded and shifted on the sofa. The other man smiled reassuringly and opened his drawer to take out a white sheet of paper. "Kitamura-san told me you met Yuy-san during the war? Is that right?"

Again Duo nodded and felt the urge to add a small "Yes." Toyama twisted a pencil in his hand and seemed to contemplate his next question.

"How long ago was that?" Duo narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "Three... four years ago. I think." Toyama jotted something down on the still white sheet of paper that lay on his desk in front of him. "I won't ask how you met, since Kitamura-san already told me not to ask. But... what kind of relationship did you and Yuy-san have? Back then, I mean." Duo sighed and recalled those memories he had buried deep down somewhere where they couldn't just float up that easily.

"We were... comrades. Eventually partners. Well, sort of. We got close, but we didn't quite... touch, if you understand what I mean."

"You mean it was just superficial?" asked Toyama.

"No! No." answered Duo immediately, shifting again. "I mean, we didn't have the time and place to consider things like that... We kinda looked out for each other. And Heero's the silent type, he doesn't exactly dance with joy and cry in sadness. We never really talked. I just knew that he cared. Somehow." Toyama considered this for a moment.

"And you fell in love?" Duo smiled.

"Yes. Kind of..."

"But you didn't tell him?" queried Toyama after a short pause.

"I-- w-we were on a mission. As usual, as usual." Duo tried very hard not to fidget. "I wanted to tell him. But I wasn't sure how. I mean... I always thought I'd meet a nice and beautiful girl someday... I didn't expect to get these-- these feelings towards a guy. You just don't go to your best friend and tell him you l-like him!" 'Shit, what's wrong with me?' cursed Duo mentally. Why was he stammering and stumbling over his words like a teen on his first date??

"Did you feel that Yuy-san had equal feelings?" asked Toyama carefully though he could already guess the answer. Duo gave a short laugh and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"Feelings? Heero Yuy? No. Honestly. That's why I hesitated. I mean, sometimes I thought that there... that there was something in his eyes, you know. I wasn't sure. So I didn't say anything." Duo looked at his folded hands thoughtfully. "It was harder when Quatre and Trowa got together, two of the other Gundam pilots, and I always saw them exchanging looks and sometimes quick kisses. I was jealous! I wanted to have that, too. I even considered asking Quatre how they managed, but I didn't have the guts. Then the accident happened and I couldn't tell Heero anymore." Duo took a deep breath and looked at Toyama who was busy taking notes. Finally Toyama raised his head and tipped his pencil against his chin.

"Yes, the accident. Why--" He was interrupted by Shelley's voice shouting for Duo. A few seconds later Shelley opened the door to Toyama's office and poked her head in.

"Good news, Duo!! Heero's awake! You wanna see him?"

"Sure!" answered Duo enthusiastically and sent a pleading look to Toyama.

"We'll continue this talk another time, Maxwell-san." Toyama said. "But I expect you to call me and not just wait until something happens to your friend, okay?" Duo already had the door handle in his hand. He turned and bowed shortly.

"Yes, I promise. Thank you!!" And then he was gone.

*~*~*

Heero swallowed painfully. His throat felt sore and abused, obviously it had suffered the insertion of another respirator tube. He swallowed again, as if it could make the raw feeling go away. What had happened anyway? He didn't remember anything except dreaming of Duo... Duo who hadn't come to see him. Forcefully Heero tore his thoughts away from that sensitive topic and tried to find out why his head felt like it would split in two any moment. When he tried to raise his hand he found that he was restrained, which had him flexing his muscles in rising panic, but his reason told him they had probably done that for his own good, not to hurt him. Though it wasn't as if he could just stand up and walk away anyway.

Suddenly the door slammed open to reveal a breathless Duo, the handle still in his hand. Heero turned his head as best as he could. Duo breathed deeply one last time before he closed the door slowly and carefully behind himself.

"So you're really awake," he said without looking at Heero.

"Aa." Heero replied and frowned, wincing at the sudden pain. Duo nodded slowly and folded his arms over his chest as he stepped to the window and watched the gardens outside. Heero felt uncomfortable and nervous, but he did his best not to let it show. Duo seemed so... distant. He opened his mouth to ask a question, nothing in particular, just something to break the tension, when Duo chuckled softly and unfolded his arms, leaning his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

"Should they have let you die? Heero?" Heero's lips formed a fine line in his face. Duo didn't notice. "Ah, winter. So cold... it's freezing outside, you know?"

"No, I don't." Heero answered stonily, confused by the sudden change. His discomfort intensified.

"Oh... yeah." Duo was still gazing out of the window, a little smile curved his lips. Heero wondered if he had gone insane.

"Duo..."

"Mh?" Duo turned around suddenly, the smile gone, his eyes hard and unreadable. "You want me to get a knife for you? Or some pills? Or just take that pillow and get it over with? Come on, Heero. You have to tell me, I can't --"

"Shut up!" Heero hissed while his fingers held the sheets in a steely grip. He noticed on some subconscious level that he was cold. "Just shut the fuck up." Duo chuckled again, a mocking and yet bitter chuckle.

"Oh yeah. The fool I am! I'm so sorry, Yuy-san. Yuy-san, can I get you anything? A knife? A - "

"DUO!!" roared Heero, losing control and patience. He ignored the pain that burned in his veins to center in his head. But Duo remained unfazed.

"I hate you." he said quietly and looked into Heero's widening eyes. "You must know that I hate you for what I allow you to do to me. Maybe it's true. Maybe I don't love you after all. I wonder. How can it hurt so much inside? Tell me!" Heero was at a loss. His ire had cooled to forgotten ashes, leaving him confused and frightened. Strangely it didn't hurt to admit that.

"I'm sorry," he stated matter-of-factly while he held Duo's gaze.

"That's not enough for me, Heero," whispered Duo with wide eyes. "I can't accept that. If I go now... I'll never come back. You must know that. It's only fair." Deep inside Duo knew that he was far from being fair, but he couldn't help it. Heero just continued to stare at him. A muscle twitched in his jaw.

"Duo." Duo waited patiently, mentally urging Heero desperately to say those words, to show... to ask... But Heero just lay there, silent like a rock. Duo's heart contracted painfully one last time, squeezing the last bit of feeling out of it and leaving only emptiness and determination.

"Fine. It's goodbye then." Duo's lips twitched, trying to form a smile, failing utterly. Heero opened his mouth as if to protest, as Duo turned and crossed the short distance to the door that would lead him out of Heero's life and of a time that would remain in his heart as a memory, a cruel memory of the kind that rise and torment you in those unguarded moments when sleep won't come, but no sound came out. As the door got closer and closer Duo pleaded with Heero in his mind, begging him to ask...

"Duo..." Heero's words were a choked whisper. Duo stopped in his tracks. He wouldn't turn around so easily this time. Like he had already stated, this time it wasn't enough. "Duo... I... Duo..."

"Don't say you're sorry when you just don't know what it is you need." Duo whispered and closed his eyes against the bitterness permeating from his words. Heero's thoughts were jumbled, confused, scared, with a little anger somewhere in there, too.

"What do you want, Heero?" whispered Duo. "What do you want?" Heero stared at his balled fists when his eyes started to burn. Something was choking him, destroying him. His mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out of it. The flood of emotions inside revolted against his control, against his iron grasp on reality. And then the dam broke.

"DUO!" Duo swiveled around, shocked by the force behind the sound of his name.

"GODDAMNED SON OF A BITCH!! ASSHOLE!!!" Heero's voice broke. "IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIneedyou..."

Duo watched him shake violently, watched him fight for his control, took in silently the telltale shining wetness on Heero's cheek, didn't budge when the torrent of intensity hit him. Heero was breathing hard, clenching the sheets in his fists so hard, that his knuckles had turned white.

"You need me?" whispered Duo again, incredulous. "What for?" Heero just turned his head and stared at him. It took all of Duo's Will power not to take a step back when he was confronted with the hate, the despair and the sadness in those blue eyes.

"I DON'T NEED ANYONE!!" Heero yelled suddenly. One of the white bandages on his head turned a dark red. Duo closed his eyes and raised his head high, so that the hot tears were trailing down into his hair.

"No, you don't need me. You never have. I was just a burden you carried to feel human. Just a reminder of what you were fighting for and against, to be broken, to be tossed away as casually as you tossed away your will to live." Duo opened his eyes again and smiled sadly. "This is your world as much as it is mine, Heero. You are a mere boy. You have a lot to learn." Heero's gaze never wavered when Duo turned to the door a second time. "Maybe you'll grow up one day. Maybe you won't insist on compensating for what you never had when it costs you the freedom to make your own choices." Duo had reached the door. The metal handle was icy under his fingers. "Maybe I'll be back then."

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C&C craved!! ^_^


Chapter 5