Dear Author: Wow! It sucks to be you! Today your fic is going to have justice done to it by...

The Queen of Blueberry Toast. Hacker's note: I HATE this fic.  It was one of the first WK fanfics I ever read and damn if it didn't almost turn me off the series for good.  There is no Schuldich out there more OOC.  I can't believe it took me this long to break out the axe and go for its insubstantial throat...

 

Original Sin by Ray-chan

Prologue- Lost Ties

Flame-red pieces of hair hung limply from the woman's face and she clutched a small baby tightly to her chest.

 

[Chunky Hair- is that like chunky peanut butter? Can I make unappetizing sandwiches out of it? Wow, this fic isn't off to a good start...]

"Please have mercy!  We….We have *nothing* to give!"
 

[I'm getting the impression the author doesn't either, unless boughts of vomiting count.]

"You know what we want." [Let me guess, tag lines? Tag lines would be nice.]

A small group of men clad completely in black [I'm scared! Is anyone else scared? And I don't mean because of the Matrix Men invading this fic.] made their advance [as opposed to anyone else's advance, stingy bastards] on the woman who stood defiantly on the front porch to her ramshackle cottage.  [You know, one would THINK logic would have lead her to hide inside and bar the door, possibly fire a few shotgun blasts.  Standing is NOT the most defiant thing a person can do.] The wind picked up, swirling the words about them in a blur and seeming to sap her considerable strength.  [What words? Oh, those words.  The ones which for some reason don't seem to know what a dangling modifier is.  Or a mixed metaphor.  I'd like to see something that both saps and blurs, wouldn't you?]

 

[OOC: It's been pointed out to me that turpentine both blurs and saps, but you have to drink it first.]

"I told you last time.  I have no son.  You must be mistaken."

One man advanced on her with a sneer.
"Bitch!" a quick backhand across the cheek sent her tumbling to the weatherworn porch floor, clutching her baby closely to her bosom. [And breaking the little brat's nose against her heaving bosoms as she rolled over and over into the gutter full of unicorn pooh!]    "Try to trick us again, and we *will* take everything you own!"

Another man laughed cruelly.  [But don't they all? Seriously, when was the last time you didn't see a fanfic villain laugh cruelly? High time they started laughing "maniacally" or "frivolously" or even "drunkenly.] "And rape all those pretty daughters until we find which one is your precious son!"  [How many words did we go without the phrase "rape"? Let's see... 138.  I'd almost be tempted to give her a commendation except for what happens next.]

"Nein!"  [Nein: Translation- If you don't know some fangirl German you're fucked.]

"Where is he?!"  The earlier man pushed her roughly back down, shoving his boot between her legs to press the steel toe against a most private area.  [Would that be the place where she keeps her hot, XXX preggy porn with dogs?]

"Mami!"  A small redhead tumbled through the door in a flurry of clumsy-made skirts, collapsing beside the fallen woman and crying into her shirt.  "Mami!  Mami, [when will the fanfic author learn the difference between an adjective and an adverb?] what do they want?  Make them leave!"

"Katrin!  Sophia!  …Take your sister inside!"

Two older girls appeared at the door, palling at the sight outside. 

 

[Pall- 1) Verb, Transitive: To cover, as with a pall.

 

See, children? Proof-reading is a good thing.  That now concludes today's accidental vocabulary lesson at the expense of yet another bad-ficcer.]

 

The eldest straightened herself and stepped forward to quickly grab the crying redhead [This bitch and all her little whelps appear to be redheads.  Thanks a lot for not defining your pronouns.]  about the arm.  [As opposed to "by the arm".  The redhead, whichever the hell one it was, tried desperately to figure out what "about the arm" could mean, but one of the other redheads only said.]
"Come on, sister.  We need to go inside [where, as is badfic tradition, I will molest you in some way.  C'mon, it won't be so bad considering every other person in this fic gropes you in one way or another]." 

"NEIN!  MAMI!"

"Go with your sisters!"

One of the men strode forward purposefully [pulled down his fly and wrote his name on the ground in urine, exhibiting NO good reason for his doing this whatsoever, much like the author when she included "purposefully"] and grabbed the child's other arm eliciting a scream of protest from more than just one of the family members involved.  Bending down to grip the child's chin and turn frightened emerald [I only have one thing to say about this: click here.] eyes up to him, he shoved [Well, he had too! They were chunky after all!] long[,] red locks from the elfin face then gave an assessing squint.  Soon[,] a laughing smirk broke out over his face.  [And this smirk was laughing but he was not... was he still pissing perhaps? I don't know, maybe we should e-mail the author and ask.]

"Well, what do you know.  She *does* have a son!"

"NEIN!  [There are three "Nein"s in the prologue alone, if you were curious.  Let's keep count of the rest, shall we? FYI- your own tormented "NEIN!!!!!!!"s don't count.] L-Leave my daughter alone!"

The man laughed aloud and ripped the child from his sister's arm eliciting a scream of pain.  None too gently, he reached for the pleated skirt between slim legs, fondling the child roughly through the material until he began to scream and cry.  ["And you doubted me about the molestation thing!" Said the haughty sister, who ran back inside the cottage and into the annals of fanfiction obscurity, ever to be revealed as Katrin or Sophia or someone else all together.]

"It's a boy, alright."  He titled the child's face up, eyes twinkling at [If your eyes twinkle at an undefined noun, is that your sanity flipping the bird to the badfic author?] the salty tears staining pale cheeks and marring the soft beauty.  "No wonder we fucked up last time.  This kid is pretty enough to be a girl!"

"Are you sure that one's the son?" One of the other men asked.  He had been eyeing the eldest daughter, Sophia, and her slightly more heavy-set [So... Schuldich's sister (and if you haven't figured out the boy in the dress is Schuldich, you suck! Get off my page!) is chubby.  I'm not offended by that.  This author appears, however, to be suffering from an acute fear of offending people weigh more than 90 pounds.] features for quite some time.

The other man laughed and shoved the child at him [UNDEFINED! DIVISION BY ZERO SANE PEOPLE IN THIS FIC IS UNDEFINED! GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!], watching smugly as his comrade repeated the earlier test and gripped roughly at the front of the thin skirt.  The child continued to cry.

"P-Please!  Stop!"  The mother struggled to stand but was held in place by the officer's boot [OK, passives have their places, but Ms. Ficcer, that ain't one of them].  "We've done nothing!  Don't take my son!  Please!  I beg you!"

"Ah, so the whore admits it."  The man shoved the little redheaded bishounen [That's not a desperate plea for variety there; she does it through the whole goddamn fic.] into the hold of one of his companions.  "It is the boy then [Not that you haven't established that five times already, sheesh!].  Let's go." [I'm way ahead of you! ...wait, what do you mean I have six paragraphs left? Shit.]

"Not yet."  The leader eyed the woman under his boot with a smug smile.  "All the earth's scum must be taught respect for those above them." [Wow, that was poetic and reinforced the superior abilities, intelligence and savoir-faire of the villains]  He turned to his grinning comrades with a smirk.  "Burn the house.  You can take the daughters first if you'd like.  I'm sure their mother won't mind."

The woman wailed in anguish.  Her daughters began to back into the house in horror.  [I didn't know Horror was in Germany.  Hehe, you learn something every day :PPPPP.]

"I think I'd rather fuck her little bitch-son and make her watch," said the man with current possession of the child.  [Well, that would be more interesting than anything that's happens so far.  Go for it!] He leaned back against their black car, forcibly holding the boy on his lap and laughed haughtily before sucking fiercely on the young boy's smooth neck, marking it.  [She may not know what an adverb is, but she seems to like them just bunches.]

"Ass!"  The officer relinquished [his] hold on the woman and strode quickly over to his subordinate, punching the man cleanly in the jaw.  [Aww, no molestation with an audience for me.] "He is to be 'unharmed', remember? [Since when is a hickey, even an unwelcome hickey, harm?]  That includes exemption from your 'fun'."  Angrily, he shoved the trembling boy into another's arms.  "We're leaving!  I thought I could reward you all for a job well done, but I see it was my error.  Leave them untouched. [And my dialogue as stilted as possible.]"

And he strode to the driver's side, waiting impatiently for his companions to scramble inside before starting the engine and driving off.  [That second part there REALLY shouldn't be a verbal.  Just... shouldn't.  Sounds fucked up.  Hurts me.  Hurts other people.]

Schuldich scrambled over a few laps, ignoring the catcalls and groping hands as he crawled by to reach a window.  His last memory was of watching his sisters pull their mother to her feet as the car containing him sped away [and then he died, horribly and... oh, wait.  Eight chapters to go.  I'll make it quick.]

 

 

End Note: OK, lots of ficcers *cough* do the Schuldich's eyes being green thing.  Technically, I should rag on them all,  but with at least forty more pages to go when it comes to this particular shitfic, who has the time?
 

On to Chapter One!
No Way! Back to Randomness!