Study Shows That Americans Are Not Wearing Enough Corporate Logos---
(New York, NY)  According to a revealing study sponsored by Tommy Hilfiger Inc., the GAP Inc., Old Navy Inc., and about four thousand other designer clothing retailers, including the sportsshoe industry led by Nike Inc., Americans apparently are not wearing enough corporate logos yet.  (Click here for full story)

Major League Baseball to Ban Latest
Performance-enhancing Substance: Vegetables---
(Disassociated Press)  The MLB Commissioner’s Office announced Thursday that in its continuing efforts to crack down on performance-enhancing substances, it will now be illegal for baseball players to consume vegetables during the baseball season.  (Click here for full story)

American Greedy Trial Lawyers Association, AGTLA, to Sue Itself for Destroying Nation---
(New York, NY)  Arnold Spencer, President of the American Greedy Trail Lawyers Association, has agreed to take the largest case of his firm's history.  His clients, the American people, want him to sue his own organization to seek damages for "grievous offenses against common sense and individual responsibility" wrought by Spencer's own friends and comrades.  (Click here for full story)

Democrats Accuse Bush of Lying
About His "Pre-tied" Slippers---
(Washington, DC)  In what appears to be the latest assault on the President's credibility, Democrats are now questioning when the President knew that one of his aides had tied his blue bedroom slippers late Monday evening, and especially why he told reporters he himself had tied the slippers the day before.
(Click here for full story)

War Protesters Across US Admit "We Were Wrong," Ask American People to Support 2nd Gulf War---
(Washington, DC) The American Federation Of Peace and Freedom, AFPF, issued a statement Thursday speaking for most American war protesters who now believe that the war is just and that Americans ought to "unite behind our great, loving, noble President Bush."
(Click here for full story)

Rumsfeld Insists US Army Will Go Into Iraq With Or Without Support of United States Marine Corps---
(Washington DC) In response to USMC Lt. Gen. Arnold Wainer's sudden refusal to support the US effort in Iraq owing to his belief that the war "won't suck enough," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the US could invade and disarm Saddam Hussein solely with US Army forces.  (Click here for full story)

Democrats and Republicans Alike Scoff President’s New Proposal to Put Lowlife Welfare Scum to Work
(Washington, DC) President Bush’s new Welfare reform package seems bound to cause havoc in the Senate.  Placing new, stiffer requirements on Welfare recipients to find work or lose benefits, it threatens many people now living off the government to find jobs or else.  (Click here for full story)

Air Force Drops New KiPLE Bomb on Miami by Accident
(Rubble outside of Miami, FL) Gen. Lance Foster, commander, 187th Tactical Assault Wing out of Ft. Deadwood, FL, admitted today that his planes failed to link up with planes carrying the new MOAB bomb, leaving them free to attack the nearest target of interest, Miami.  (Click here for full story)

US 9th Circuit Court Rules that Religion is Unconstitutional
(San Francisco, CA) Following up their infamous and unpopular decision to ban the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools within their jurisdiction, justices from the 9th Circuit Court ruled Tuesday that faith in a higher power than government is also unconstitutional.  (Click here for full story)

Bill Clinton Appeals to American People to "Love Him Tender, Love Him True"
(Las Vegas, NV) In a sudden break from the polo shirt-wearing tendencies of the former President, Bill Clinton has zipped himself into a white vinyl rhinestone suit and sings to whoever will still listen to him.  (Click here for full story)

As Economy Worsens, Some Christian Churches Reconsider Stance on Cannibalism
(Wheeling, WV) Bill Jones is a laid-off employee of Garbin United Coal Co. in Tupokipsee, West Virginia.  He and his wife and their fourteen children live in a one-room shack typical of the region known as Appalachia.  (Click here for full story)

President Authorizes Border Patrols to Shoot “Criminal Seniors” Attempting to Bring Cheaper Drugs Across Canadian Border---
(Chicago, IL) On Tuesday, President Bush addressed the Association of Incredibly Rich Heartless Drug Corporations, IRHDC, and promised them that border patrols would shoot to kill any senior trying to “smuggle” illegal cheaper Canadian drugs across the border.  (Click here for full story)

Attorney General Ashcroft to Combat Terrorist/SUV Menace
(Washington, DC) In an unexpected response to widespread left wing claims that SUVs and their owners sponsor terrorism, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced Wednesday that orders were going out to all FBI agents and Federal Marshals to detain and interrogate all “Islamic” SUVs and their drivers without the need of warrants or due process.  (Click here for full story)