Lingering Doubts

By Jessica

Kid grasped Lou's hand firmly in his and brought it to his lips. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothin' much." Lou replied as she opened her large brown eyes to look at the man she loved. It was a lie. She'd been thinking about the event that would occur in the coming weeks and frankly, she was scared to death.

Kid wasn't foolish though. "If you're having any doubts-"

"No Kid...I wasn't even thinking about that." Lou assured as she sat up to face him. Another lie, but she'd do anything to protect Kid's feelings. How could she tell him that she was scared of marrying him? There were no guarantees in life, how could she be sure that Kid would always be there for her. She was giving up a lot to become his wife.

However, her doubts vanished for the moment as she looked deep into his blue eyes and saw all the love and adoration stored there. They almost hadn't made it to this point, and both of them knew that. Spontaneously Kid pulled Lou closer and kissed her passionately. She responded in kind and brought her arms to rest behind his neck. He suddenly pulled away and smiled mischievously.

"Oh Lord, what is that smile all about?" Lou laughed.

"I just realized that I haven't given you your birthday licks."

"And you ain't goin' to neither."

"Aw Lou...be a good sport, the sooner I start, the sooner it'll be over."

Even as he said this, Lou had slowly stood up and began to inch away slowly. "If you make one move, I'll change my mind about marryin' you." she said teasingly.

Kid paused a moment as if to consider, but then suddenly leapt to his feet. Lou squealed and ran along the creek's edge. Kid was close behind, but not close enough to grab her. He vaulted towards her trying to bridge the gap, but he only succeeded in knocking them both to the ground. Kid quickly regained his wits and pinned Lou to the ground grinning wickedly.

"I got an idea...why don't I give you birthday kisses instead."

"Hmm...that sounds better. I guess I'll have to let all the boys give me birthday kisses instead."

"They'll have to go through me first."

"Speakin' of the boys, how long are you supposed to keep me out here?"

"What are you talkin' about Lou?" Kid asked, trying his best to look confused by her question.

Lou was by no means foolish and knew that Kid's idea to ride out to the creek was merely a ploy to get Lou away from the house so the others could work on her birthday surprise. On more than one occasion, she'd spotted them huddled in a tight group, talking in hushed tones, which halted as soon as they were alerted to her presence.

Lou smiled and brought her hand to caress his cheek. "Kid, I'm not completely stupid you know."

"I figured you must be since you agreed to marry me."

Lou laughed out loud and raised her eyebrows, "You know...you may have a point..."

"Hey, you're supposed to disagree with me." Kid said softly as he bent to kiss her.

"That's one."

"No, that was just practice."

"I'm sorry, but you only have eighteen left." "Aw Lou."

"They're comin'." Cody said to the others as he spotted Kid and Lou in the distance.

"Darn it, I told Kid to keep her out there for a few hours." Rachel said, more to herself than anyone else, as she put the last of the icing on Lou's cake.

"Don't worry Rachel, they're gonna have to take care of the horses before they get in here." Jesse said quietly.

Rachel didn't respond as she set the cake in the center of the table, swatting Cody's hand as he tried to dip his finger in the icing. Jimmy sat morosely in the corner, looking like the bunkhouse was the last place he wanted to be. Rachel noticed how taciturn and tense he'd become in the last couple of weeks. She knew it wasn't completely due to the approaching war that seemed to have the whole house divided. It seemed that ever since Lou had accepted Kid's proposal of marriage, he'd withdrawn further from everyone, picking fights especially with Kid.

Rachel had had to force him to even stay for the party. He'd been about to ride out a few minutes earlier when Rachel had stopped him.

"Where you goin' Jimmy?"

"Out."

"But what about Lou's party?"

"I'm sure she won't even miss me."

"Now Jimmy, you know Lou better than that."

Jimmy was about to respond, but Rachel held up her hand to silence him. "I don't know what's goin' on with you, but I do know that you can't keep takin' your problems out on the rest of us, especially Lou. Please don't ruin the day for her."

Jimmy just sighed and smiled lopsidedly as he led his horse back into the stable. He hadn't said a word to anyone, and it seemed he was sticking to himself. Teaspoon and the others noticed his mood, so they decided to stay away from him and let him be. No need in causing a scene at Lou's party.

"They're really comin' now. Everyone get in your places!" Cody hissed as he ducked behind a chair. As soon as the pair entered the small house, everyone jumped out and yelled, "Surprise!"

Lou tried her best to keep a straight face and act surprised, but the others knew she was only doing it for their benefit. Her eyes filled with tears as she noticed all the trouble they'd gone through to make the day special.

"Don't get all watery on us Lou." Noah said as he approached the small girl to give her a hug. She laughed and hugged everyone in a flurry. Everyone except Jimmy who seemed to communicate through his eyes that he wanted no part of her affections. She faltered a bit, but quickly recovered. The expression on her face hadn't escaped Kid though. He glared at Jimmy, but didn't say anything.

"This one is from all of us...we thought maybe you could wear it later on tonight at the dance." Rachel said as she handed a large rectangle package to Lou.

She smiled around the room and began to unwrap the bright paper she knew that Cody had to have picked. She finally removed all the tape and ribbons and opened the top of the simple box. She gasped as she pulled out the beautiful gown. She ran her hands over the deep blue silk dress and knew that it must have cost a fortune. She looked at them all in amazement, but couldn't manage to form any words.

Kid placed his hand on the small of her back reassuringly and smiled. "How...how did you all afford this?" she finally managed.

"Oh, don't you worry about that Lou." Rachel smiled.

"This one's from all of us too." Noah said as he handed a smaller package to her.

She unwrapped the bundle like the one before it and was delighted to find a fine, white-lace shawl. She fingered it gently and thought about how well it complimented the dress.

"Well, that's all of the presents..." Cody said as he smiled.

"Not so fast." Kid said as he pulled a small box from inside his coat pocket. "This is something special from me."

Lou took it from his outstretched hand and widened her eyes in surprise as she lifted the small pearl bracelet from the velvet lining. Rachel gasped at it's loveliness and the others looked at Kid slyly. Suddenly Lou turned to him and kissed him fully on the lips, seeming to forget that anyone else was in the room.

When they finally disengaged, she found that the other had begun to busy themselves about the room, picking up paper and empty plates, al except Jimmy who seemed to have disappeared.

"You mind tellin' me what the hell your problem is?" Teaspoon demanded as he walked into the stables to look for Jimmy. He finally spotted him, preparing his horse for an outing.

"Ain't got no problem."

"Well, you sure coulda fooled me. You been pickin' fights with Kid for weeks now. You don't talk to anyone and you avoid Lou at any cost. Now I may not be no genius, but I know you got some problems son."

"Look Teaspoon, I know you're only tryin' to help, but this don't concern you." Jimmy said tightly, trying not to disrespect the older man.

"Jimmy, if you don't want to talk about whatever's botherin' you that's fine, but I want you to keep one thing in mind, we may not all be together for very much longer. The war and the telegraph are comin' fast, and soon we'll all be goin' our separate ways. I suggest you make the most of this time." Teaspoon said quietly as he walked back towards the house.

Jimmy watched him leave and tried to gain control of his emotions. Teaspoon was right of course, Jimmy had been actin' strange lately. He always took the opportunity to make sarcastic comments to Kid about the South and his loyalty, hoping the kid would react. As for Cody, Noah and Buck, he all but ignored them. He barely even took notice when one of them entered the room. Lou, now there was another story.

He didn't even try to conceal his malice towards her. Jimmy didn't know why he reacted the way he did to her, but it seemed everytime she was in the room, he tried to isolate himself as much as possible, which was becoming extremely difficult since she'd stopped going out on runs. He stopped himself in mid-thought and smiled grimly. He did know why he was treating her so bad, she'd finally accepted Kid's proposal, and that hurt Jimmy to the core. It hadn't been too long ago that they shared an intimate kiss, but even then Jimmy knew she still loved Kid. She would never love him, not the way she did Kid, so he started doing what he'd always done when he was a child and something hurt him. He secluded himself from everyone and carried the angry-at-the-universe attitude around him like a shield.

The soft neighing of his horse brought him back to his sense and he finished his task. He mounted without a second thought and rode out of the yard, not knowing where he was going, but knowing that the further, the better.

"You look so beautiful." Kid whispered in Lou's ear as she took his outstretched arm. And she did. The dress had fit her perfectly. Although the neckline was a bit low and more of her skin was exposed then normal, she looked quite elegant. Her hair fell in soft waves, making her eyes look more large than usual. She blushed a bright shade of red as the other's admiring eyes fell on her. She didn't get to play the female often, but when she did, she always looked beautiful.

Suddenly, a thought struck her. From here on out, she wouldn't have to disguise herself anymore. Even after Kid had proposed, she was still wearing her customary trousers and thick shirt like a security blanket. She was scared to let that protection go, but as she looked at Kid and the others, she knew they'd never let harm come to her and that they were her protectors now.

"My, my, my. Lou, you know it ain't too late to dump Kid and marry me instead." Noah said as he approached the duo.

"Noah...Lou actually has taste." Kid responded in turn.

"Well, if that's the case, what's she on your arm for?" Teaspoon laughed as he took Lou's hand and led her to the buckboard.

The other riders looked at Teaspoon in amusement. "How does he do it?" Kid asked incredulously as they approached their transportation.

"When you live as long as he has, you learn the tricks." Buck winked.

"Is Jimmy not comin'?" Lou asked suddenly.

"Uh...no sweetheart, he said he had some business to attend to." Teaspoon lied as he grabbed the reigns, spurring the horses into action.

Lou sighed but didn't say anything. Jimmy had been avoiding all contact with her for weeks now. The two had grown closer after the incident in Willow Springs last year and suddenly, he acted as if he didn't know her. She knew she had to talk to him, but she'd been putting it off, scared of what she might find out. Now though, she knew the time was approaching when they'd all be leaving each other, and she didn't want to leave things as they were. She decided that she'd talk to him as son as she saw him, no matter what.

Lou sighed happily as she leaned her head on Kid's broad shoulder. He looked down at her and smiled ruefully. Teaspoon had decided to stay in town and keep an eye on his deputies. Buck, Cody, and Noah sat in the back of the cart and looked at the pair enviously.

"Did you have fun tonight?" Kid whispered.

"Mmm hmm." Lou murmured as she snuggled closer to Kid.

"Hey Kid, why don't you concentrate on driving." Cody taunted.

"You try concentratin' when you got a pretty girl beside you."

"If you'd let me sit down next to her, I'd be willin' to try." Cody returned.

"Fat chance of that Cody. Why, he wouldn't even hardly let anyone else dance with her tonight." Noah interjected.

"Lou, will you please tell them that you didn't want to dance with anyone but me?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"My mamma told me that I shouldn't lie."

The others howled in laughter, while Kid looked at her in amusement. Lou kissed his cheek and smiled. The night air was getting chilly so she pulled the shawl around her more tightly, willing the cold away.

She'd had a wonderful time that night. It was nice to be able to laugh loudly and talk as much as she wanted without having to worry about whether anyone would put two and two together and figure out that she was the small Express Rider. It had been wonderful also to be in Kid's arms in front of everyone. They'd gone to dances before, but they were less reserved than before and Lou new at that point that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Kid. He had seemed to pick up on her feelings and his eyes seemed to twinkle.

There was only one thing that worried Lou and that was Jimmy. Kid and Jimmy were best friends, but lately they'd been pulled in different directions. They'd had their rough patches before, but now it seemed fated that the two would forever be on opposite sides of the fence and it saddened Lou. She and Kid hadn't talked about what they were going to do when the war finally did come, as was inevitable. In her heart she knew that Kid wanted to return to Virginia and participate in the fighting. She didn't want to go to Virginia and wanted no part of the war, but she'd follow Kid anywhere, even if that meant leaving everything familiar.

Lou walked into the bunkhouse and spotted Jimmy immediately at the table. He glanced up in surprise as she entered, but quickly regained his composure. He suddenly stood up from his place and headed towards the door, but Lou stopped him by stepping in front of his path.

"You and I need to talk."

"About what?" Jimmy asked, stepping closer. Lou didn't fail to miss the smell of whiskey that seemed to permeate from his entire body.

"Jimmy, you've been drinking!" Lou admonished.

"Yeah...what do you care?"

"You know there are rules-"

"Rules? To hell with rules."

"Jimmy, please tell me what's botherin' you."

Without warning, Jimmy pulled Lou's arm roughly, drawing her body towards his. She cried out and tried to struggle, but to no avail, Jimmy's grip was iron tight. She looked into his eyes and for once was frightened of the man in front of her. He smiled at her discomfort and bent down to kiss her roughly. Again she tried to struggle, but before she knew what was happening, Jimmy was jerked away.

She watched as Kid brought his fist to connect with Jimmy's jaw. Kid's entire face was contorted with anger, and Lou was scared of what he might do. The two men tussled on the floor, but the inebriated Jimmy was no match for Kid's fury. Noah burst into the room and with much effort managed to pry the two men apart. Jimmy sat on the floor, his chest heaving, while Kid still struggled in Noah's grasp. Lou came over to subdue her fiancee, hoping to put an end to the fight.

"Calm down Kid. It's all right." Lou said as she caressed his face.

After a few minutes, his chest rose and fell steadily and his eyes lost some, though not all, of their ire. He shrugged off Noah's hands and walked over to Jimmy.

"You bastard...after everything she's been through...you try to hurt her." Jimmy seemed unfazed by his words and looked at Kid defiantly. "She doesn't love you and never will. She's marrying me." Kid continued.

Jimmy laughed boisterously and looked at Lou. "Hey sweetheart, did you tell loverboy over here about what happened a couple of weeks ago?"

"Shut up Jimmy." Lou said quietly. Now Kid's brow was knit in confusion as he turned to Lou, who avoided his gaze.

"What are you talkin' about?" Kid demanded furiously.

Jimmy stood up now and wiped the blood from his mouth. "Oh...you mean Lou didn't tell you what happened between us by the firelight? Tsk Tsk Lou, Kid has a right to know that the woman he's marrying was kissin' his best friend when he was recoverin' from a gunshot wound."

The color seemed to drain from Lou's face as Jimmy uttered these words. Kid turned around, trying to mask the hurt in his eyes. "Is it true?" he asked quietly.

"Kid, I-"

"Is it true?" he yelled.

"Yes. I didn't think it was that important Kid-"

"You sure thought it was at the time Lou, cause you gave as good as you got."

"Will you shut up Jimmy?" Lou shouted.

"Oh yes ma'am." Jimmy replied as he tipped his hat mockingly and stumbled for the door, leaving the room in silence.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kid asked dangerously quiet as Noah left the room.

"We weren't even together Kid...it didn't seem significant."

"You were kissing my best friend and that didn't seem significant?" Kid asked, raising his voice.

"Don't blow it up Kid. Jimmy was upset...he kissed me, that was it."

"Did you kiss him back?"

"I don't know...I guess so."

"You guess so?"

"I was in shock Kid..."

Kid didn't seem to hear her as he sat down heavily on his bunk. Lou knelt in front of him and tried to grab his hand, but he recoiled from her as if she'd burned him. She tried not to show the hurt as she arose. After a few moments of excruciating silence, Kid looked up.

"I need to think about this."

"What is there to think about?"

"Lou, don't do this...you know-"

"Oh, so now you're havin' second thoughts about marryin' me?"

"Lou-"

"No, you know what, forget it. If you're upset about me kissin' Jimmy when we weren't even together, then we shouldn't be married." Lou replied quietly as she placed the precious pearl bracelet on the table. She turned to leave the bunkhouse, determined not to let Kid see the tears streaming down her face.

TO BE CONTINUED Part II

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