Taylor and Erica sat outside on the stairs of the Hanson porch. Taylor was a step above her and she was resting comfortably between his legs and wrapped up warmly within his arms. She closed her eyes and breathed in, CKbe. She sighed and smiled. For a few brief moments tonight she would forget about Elmer, Rudy and what had happened only moments ago with Jeff. She would forget about a drug addiction and her newly dysfunctional family. She would even forget that she couldn't remember. Something about Taylor gave her peace and something within his arms held hope and fearlessness. She breathed again, feeling safe.
Taylor could feel Erica's silky hair against his cheek and her soft skin beneath his fingertips. He forgot so much. He forgot how she had seemed made to fit within his arms. How the sight of her tears and the sound of her voice could shake him to the bone. He never wanted to let her go, now. He was thankful to watch her take another breath on her own. No tubes, no needles, just her breathing on her own, just that, was beautiful.
"I cried for you every night." Taylor whispered to her, his words blowing across her ear.
Erica shivered, "I waited for you to come back to me every night."
"I know, I know and I'm sorry that I left you. I'd change it if I could. I would never leave." he hugged her closer to him.
"I needed you Taylor. That was the one time in my life when I really needed you." she paused as her eyes grew wet, "And you left me."
"Erica, I am so, so sorry," he told her, "but everything was so surreal then. It wasn't happening. Not to you and not to me. Those sorts of things don't happen to people like us, normal people. It was a horrible nightmare and no matter how bad things got, we could not wake up. Everything is okay now, though. We've both suffered and..."
Erica whirled around, "We've both suffered?" she questioned in disbelief, "We've both suffered? You were off touring in Europe and the U.S and left me in a coma to die all alone! We've both suffered? I am in therapy, on medication so I can control myself and we've both suffered? I tried to kill myself and I can't even remember why! But, we've both suffered so I guess it's even." she stood up and glared at him, hardly able to believe that she had just carried on as she did. Then she added, "I'm the only one suffering over here. Alone...like you left me."
Taylor reached for her hands, "You say all of that like I wasn't thinking about you everyday. Like I wasn't regretting my choice to leave everyday, every second for Christ's sake! And I didn't know any of that. I'm sorry that I didn't, but I'm here now. I can help you now."
She yanked her hands away angrily, "I don't need your help! I don't even want it!" she was so angry right now. Everything that she had been feeling towards him was slowly pouring out. First she was content and then she was angry, who knew what to expect next.
He jumped up and grabbed her arms, "Why are you going to push me away again? We've been given another chance Erica. Another chance to love each other, and you're going to shit on it? Well, I won't let you, you can't do that!"
She stared into his eyes. She wanted to say something, anything. Unfortunately she didn't know what to say right now.
Taylor was clinging to her; desperately looking for an edge to get on, "Look, we can take all of this slowly. We'll be friends and I'll be there for you. Anything you need. If you just wanna talk, you need a hug, a compassionate ear," he grinned, "a punching bag," he joked and she smiled, "just anything."
She bit her lip. She didn't know about this friends thing. She did want it all the way it used to be with Taylor as her boyfriend. But, Rudy was now and her and Elmer snuck around and everything that just happened with Jeff...there just didn't seem to be any room for another guy. But this wasn't just any guy, this was Taylor. This was the guy that knew what she was thinking before she even had a chance to think it. This was her best friend in the wide world. And as much as she missed the soap opera romance they had once shared, she knew it would never be the same. She brushed her fingers across his cheek and slid them into his hair, gazing into his blue eyes, she grinned, "Anything huh?"
He nodded and hugged her as tightly as he could, "Anything and everything."
Taylor walked back into his house shakily. He had alot of new stuff to deal with suddenley. Erica was alive, she had been alive and living every day for the past few months without him. Hating him. And he couldn't surpress the feeling that she seemed shut-off, like she was lost in the dark with a flashlight that could never show the whole picture at once. Just bits and pieces at a time. He would like to believe that she was still the same person even though he knew there was no way that she could be. Taylor wandered into the living room and happened across Jeff regailing the rest of the Hanson family with his heroic tale of reuniting the two star cross'd lovers, or so he made it seem.
They all looked upon Taylor as he entered the room, "You must be so happy sweetie." his mother said forcing a smile.
He stared at them all. This was situation was bordering Twilight Zone status in his book. People didn't act like this, and girlfriends don't come back from the dead, "Jeff," Taylor spoke, "can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?" he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as all eyes were fixated on him.
"No problem." he said standing up and following Taylor into the kitchen, "What's up?"
"Tell me about her." Taylor said eagerly sitting down and leaning forward, folding his hands on the tabletop, "Tell me about Erica."
Jeff pulled out a chair, "What do you want to know?" he asked quizically.
"Everything. I wanna know who she is now. What her life is like, and the people in it. What did I miss and..." he stopped and looked down as if deciding whether or not to cry, "why does she hate me so much?"
"Get real Taylor, Erica could never hate you. You know that she loves you regardless of what she can admit to herself right now." Jeff lectured.
Taylor raised his eyebrows as he stared at his own twirling thumbs, "You would think. But I have to ask myself, would I hate me? I think I would."
Jeff stared at him hard, "She's Erica, ya know? Deep inside she's the same. Unable to hate you and all of that stuff that she has been. C'mon stop worrying."
"You haven't told me anything about her," Taylor retorted, "Nothing new anyway."
"Hey! I pretty much know nothing. And no offense but, what little I know, you'll find out in time. I can't disclose her life. That's just not kosher, bro." Jeff answered.
"Whatever dude." Taylor rolled his eyes.
"What?"
Taylor raised one eyebrow and crossed his arms, "What?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That I'm a piece of shit because I won't tell you some kind of information? Fuck the bullshit, man! I didn't have to bring her over, ya know!" Jeff jumped up.
"Where the fuck are you going?" Taylor asked standing up.
Jeff changed the subject, "You know how you said you have to ask yourself if you'd hate you? Well, I'd hate you if you left me for dead!" he turned and left the room, leaving Taylor alone and confused. The front door slammed and Talor fell back onto his chair again. Isaac sauntered quietly into the kitchen as Taylor tried to mentally assess what just happened to him. Isaac paused in the door, clutching an empty glass of milk in his hand, pretty much afraid to speak after hearing a few muffled shouts and a door being slammed.
"What was that all about?" he asked quietly.
Taylor stared at his brother and felt twenty different emotions run through him at once. Rage seemed to win out at the moment and the only person within sight happened to be Isaac, "It's all your fault Ike!" he screamed.
"Huh?" Ike asked looking at him pitifully.
Taylor leapt up and pointed his finger at him, "It's all your fault! My life is shit because of you!" he yelled. The more he seemed to yell at Ike, the more everything seemed to make more sense in his mind that it was Isaac's fault. It was as if it just jumped up and bit him that his brother was the downfall of him.
"What did I..?" he started to ask, trying to avert the blame that Taylor was now placing on him.
"It's your fault," he cut him off, walking up to him and backing him against the kitchen wall between the phone and the doorway, "If you love something you let it go? Well, I let it go, Ike!" He was so close to Isaac that their noses were almost touching, "You're wrong! If you love something you never let it go! You hold onto it!"
I never even realized
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