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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 11/30/07 Rumble in the Arctic: Poor Sportsmanship By, Grey News (Continued from ep. II) The race to decide who will control large sections of the arctic region of Earth and the theoretically vast minerals and resources therein has been temporarily halted as new initiatives are incorporated into the competition. More specifically certain parties have started bending the rules. To say the least. Canada recently attempted to use performance-enhancing drugs to improve their team’s performance. It may have gone undetected were it not for one bout of roid rage and a vegetarian who went on a spicy chicken wing bender. Sadly this is not against the rules of the competition, however much it wounds the spirit. With this information other competitors have moved to improve their teams with other advantages. Iceland is reputedly looking into cyborg technology, something along the lines of what is used by singer/pixie Bjork though enabling speed and strength rather than the ability to entertain without doing anything entertaining. The USA is thinking of adapting space technology to the task, or possibly demanding that the lines of latitude be changed so that Seattle technically becomes their southernmost city. Australia has turned to it’s natural flora and fauna, at first putting crocodiles in everyone’s bed in an effort to scare them off, then concocting a scheme where by hidden wombats would lie in wait along the planned race rout for other competitors and pounce upon and destroy them when the time is right. In the end the Australians have planned to use their ultimate weapon: kangaroos. How they will do so is unknown but the horror of the 1988 Seoul Olympics haunts everyone who remembers the sight of a hundred kangaroos storming the swimming stadium in the middle of the 200-meter butterfly, women’s underwear hanging from their jaws. The New Zealand contingent has also revealed its secret weapon: kangaroos! The Australians immediately went up in arms, demanding that New Zealand get it’s own original secret weapon, preferably something from within it’s own borders. New Zealand has hit back by saying that aside from some sun loving penguins and one particularly bothersome toy poodle it has nothing that could truly be called a secret weapon in an arctic oriented competition. In a race where any advantage is sought it appears that New Zealand will even go as far as stealing someone else’s advantage. Such is the present spirit of the competition, one of victory at all costs. Rumour has it that the Chinese plan to have their steroid enhanced Olympic grade “women” swimmers tow their entry through the arctic waters, insulated by their protective beards and heavy chest hair. Russia is apparently brushing off old landmass moving technology, developed under Soviet rule to turn the USSR into the world’s only equatorial superpower, to pull the arctic regions into the latitudinal position of Siberia, thus technically making it Russian territory in a move experts say “Makes no sense” but “they’re Russian so why should that stop them.” |
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