New Miracle Diet

  Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation
(the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit
after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after
it is all over.

  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your
friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new
Toddler Miracle Diet! 
Over the years you may have noticed
that most two-year-olds are trim. Pediatricians in
consultation with X-ray technicians and distraught moms
have formulated this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on
this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor. Good
luck!

DAY ONE
-------
Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat
2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your
face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime Snack:
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
-------
Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril. Pour grape kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat
with a spoon.

DAY THREE
---------
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub
in hair. Glass milk: drink half, stuff other pancake in
glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug,
lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY
---------
Breakfast:
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog.

Lunch:
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. One stick of mascara for dessert.