Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
WHY?
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas is so weird. What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne, and they go out and smell each other."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis, too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when you go out to eat and you give somebody all of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is when Mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure it tastes OK."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening the presents and listen."
"Love is when you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because they not only still love you, they love you even more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep every night."
"Love is what you first feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty, and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
"Love is when a puppy licks your face, even after you left him alone all day."
"You shouldn't say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"Love is what makes you smile even when you are tired."
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Author Unknown
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949
A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away. ~Bil Keane, "Family Circus"
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey
Love puts the fun in together, the sad in apart, and the joy in a heart. ~Author Unknown
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. ~Hoosier Farmer
We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Author Unknown
Love wouldn't be blind if the Braille weren't so damned much fun. ~Author Unknown
Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. ~William Shakespeare
Falling in love is so hard on the knees. ~Aerosmith
I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. ~Mistinguett
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. ~Woody Allen
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. ~Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
Our love could change the orbit of the earth. So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind. ~Author Unknown
