Doc Bwana's
Very Own Shrunken Head!

Here he is, folks! My very own authentic Jivaro shrunken head. Dinky, as we refer to him, has been in the family for several generations. He was given to my grandfather by  his boyhood friend Leonard Clark, the famous Amazon explorer. I inherited Dinky from my father, who had taken over custodianship of the tsantsa when my grandfather died. I usually keep Dinky in an evacuated bell jar, but decided to take him out for a photo session. I take Dinky out on other occasions, too, for regular maintenance checkups and cleaning. He was very dusty when I first got him, and had to be carefully cleaned. His hair had also gotten matted and required laborious untangling. 

I have consistently refused to sell Dinky ever since I became his guardian, in spite of many generous offers. He has become a good friend of mine, and is now considered part of the family. Owning a museum-quality tsantsa is a rare privilege which has enabled me to gain an insight into the psychology of another culture. Having Dinky has also inspired me to learn about the preservation of human tissues and I have acquired much in the way of practical knowledge about desiccants, temperature and humidity control, and vacuum environments which are used to store and help preserve valuable artifacts of a delicate nature. 

Here I am posing proudly with Dinky. In lower right can be seen the shrunken head painting used on the main page of this site. That's my grandfather on the left, trying to make me feel guilty again about that horrible accident. Due to the damp climate, Dinky doesn't stay out of the safety of his vacuum environment for very long. But I do like to get him out and about occasionally. Curiously, shrunken heads stay dry and well preserved for years back home in the Amazon river basin, one of the most humid spots on the planet. But in North America, the many stinking, miserable pollutants in the air form acids when they become hydrated by air-borne water molecules. Such acids can harm unprotected shrunken heads, and I'd never want anything to hurt my Dinky.

       
 Owning a shrunken head can be very rewarding, but requires a lot of work, too. I must always make sure that Dinky's vacuum bell jar is properly sealed, and that the temperature in the jar never drops below 20° C. I have to dust and carefully clean him regularly, and check for head lice and other signs of decomposition. Paying attention to such details is not strange at all and should be a priority for anyone who owns a shrunken head. Each night, I comb Dinky's hair and rub his skin with coco butter. Some people laugh at me for being so meticulous, but they are bloated idiots who fail to appreciate the value of anthropological specimens. I never display Dinky in direct sunlight because his hair and complexion could fade. And that's why I keep him in the dining room, where I have boarded up all the windows. Because it is dark in there, and safe for Dinky. And, at dinner time, he also warns me whenever those people put poison in my food, and this is a great service to me and not something for fools to mock. When the temperature in his jar drops below 20° C. Dinky becomes brittle and ill-tempered. And this is why I cuddle up with him on cold winter nights, to keep him warm and safe for the sake of science. Who would not gladly do the same? And when he is close to me in the dark, like a little Teddy Bear, he tells me secrets! Yes, he does! Dinky knows all about those people, with their stinking secret plots and their hidden cameras in my walls and the benzene in my coffee! Oh, they think they're so clever, don't they, with their toxic fly paper and their big, fine talk about "trying to help," and "doing what's best" for me. But Dinky and I have plans for them. Yes, we do! I often invite friends in to see Dinky, and share some of our special plans with them, and they argue with me for hours and hours, trying to persuade me to go away with them and join some special kind of country club that they say I will like a lot. But I know what they're up to! They're trying to separate Dinky and me so they can have him all to themselves! So I scare them away by reading some of my pamphlets on Jivaro customs and religion, while Dinky smiles knowingly from his bell jar. He always stays quiet when we have company. But Dinky talks to me at night, inside my head, where the microphones can't hear. And he tells me to do bad things, like spit out all my medications and hide them with the dead rats and rubber bands under my bed! He tells me to dip the neighbor's demonic poodle in honey so the red ants will eat him! He tells me to swallow ball bearings! He tells me to do many other terrible things, but I cannot talk about them. Or those people might find out, and call in the medicine men who pull down my pants and stick their poison darts full of Haldol or Prolixin into my exposed buttocks. But someday those people will feel the fangs of Dinky at their throats and he will suck the shaving cream from their bones! DO YOU HEAR ME DR. FISHER? I HOPE YOUR SLIMY TENTACLES ROT OFF! MAY THE RED HOT CLAWS OF THE JELLO VIRGIN TATTOO OBSCENITIES ON YOUR PLASTIC AMISH FORESKIN!!!! 
      Anyway, if my son does not want Dinky, I'll probably bequeath him in my will to the Davenport Museum, where other South American Indian artifacts are on display. Although unusual, shrunken heads are nevertheless products of that distinctively human desire to create meaningful art out of the apparently meaningless chaos of everyday existence, and are worthy objects for scientific study, curatorial conservation, and aesthetic appreciation. You can learn more about shrunken heads by writing to me at work for more information. Address all mail to:          

Dr. Septimus Bwana, Firearms Security Chief
Davenport Rifle Range and Gun Club
25801 Meadow Lane
Davenport, CA 94375-1104

Send $5.00 to this address, and you'll get a copy of Doc Bwana's paper,
"Jivaro Head Shrinking and Religious Beliefs." If you order before Dec. 24'th,
Doc Bwana will include his other pamphlet, "What to Do When Dead People
Keep Stealing Your Break Fluid" free of charge.

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