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Computer Jokes
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
Computers vs. Auto
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
9. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Technology for Country Folk.
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
If Microsoft built cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have
to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and carry on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail
to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason,
you'd just accept this this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 97"
or a "Car NT", but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast,
twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars,
which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by
a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Microsoft Announces Linux Virtual Machine For Windows 2000
Redmond, WA Microsoft President Steve Balmer announced today that Microsoft will soon release a Linux virtual machine that runs on top of Windows 2000. According to Mr. Balmer, "Interest in the Linux operating system is high among our clientele, so we decided to give them what they want-a user friendly, full-featured operating system environment that runs on top of the industry leading OS for Intel-based computers". A Microsoft spokeswoman said that the new product would be nicknamed Linux on Windows, or LOW for short. The new system would be based on Red Hat's 2.1 version of Linux. The initial version would run in a 16-bit DOS window, but a 32-bit version is planned for the future. In related announcements, both Corel and Oracle said that they were planning versions of their software to run on the virtual machine. Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux, praised the new Microsoft initiative and said he hoped that it would increase market acceptance of the fledgling Linux operating system.
Anonymous sources on Microsoft's Linux development team said that the reason the initial release would be 16-bit was that the virtual machine makes thunk calls to Windows 95 DLLs for most of its services. "Fortunately, early versions of Linux were not capable of true multitasking, which made the port to Windows much easier" an engineer was quoted as saying. When asked about the speed of the Linux virtual machine compared to just running Linux, he admitted that it might be an order of magnitude slower, but it would still run applications at speeds comparable to Windows NT and 2000. Another developer claimed that slow speed would not be an issue now that Intel is producing 500 megahertz CPUs. "Its just like when Visual Basic was on the verge of death a few years ago because it was so slow-faster processors will solve all of our problems with software performance!" he chortled with glee.
When asked about the availability of device drivers, a Microsoft manager pointed out that Windows NT was sold for years without device drivers, and that it would probably not be a major issue. "Customers understand their needs better than we do anyway, so they should really write the drivers themselves. Isn't that what Open Source is all about?" Another manager admitted that initial acceptance would be low until a graphical user interface was available. He claimed that a deal was in the works with Apple to port an early version of the Mac operating system for LOW. He confided on conditions of anonymity that "We looked at using Windows to provide GUI services, but the code is so bloated that it would take days to pop a dialog box up in the virtual machine. Bill really surprised us when he admitted that he liked the Mac interface better anyway."
An IBM spokesman claimed that early beta versions of the LOW system were based on IBM's VM operating systems developed in the 1960's. There were rumors that a patent infringement suit might be forthcoming, although analysts scoffed at the idea since Windows NT was an even more blatant theft of a more recent operating system developed at the company formerly known as Digital. Sun also cried foul because apparently some elements of the virtual machine are based on the Java VM, although sources close to both companies doubted that Microsoft had the capability to understand Java well enough to implement it correctly.
On the NASDAQ, Microsoft shares initially increased 200% in value on rumors that Microsoft was abandoning Windows in favor of Linux. Later in the day Microsoft fell to less than 50% of its opening price when investors learned that LOW was still based on Windows.
Short Computer Joke
Customer: "I've just installed Windows 98"
Tech support: "and...?"
Customer: "The computer stopped working"
Tech support: "You already said that"
Short Computer Joke
C:\dos
C:\dos\run
run\dos\run
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Then send it on over and you will receive full credit!
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