Hi Teens,

I thought you should all read this, as it addresses an aspect of OCD that we don't get much of a chance to read about on this list - I'm sure it will generate some discussion! This is a response to a Mom's letter, which is attached (minus identifying info) at the bottom.

Dear _______,

This is a very poinient description of how OCD affects not only the person with the symptoms, but the whole family as well. In fact, I'd like your permission to post your letter to the TeenOCD list after deleting any information that might link this letter to you - the teens need to hear that they aren't the only ones suffering.

I hope you're on the ocdandparenting list; families need support, too!
Yes, it's normal to be angry at the symptoms; it's normal to feel the loss of your past; and it's normal to feel some distance in between family members that DON'T have the symptoms. The symptoms are distressing and saddening; the up side is that they can be managed, and even beaten in most cases. it's normal to want you child to be normal, and to be angry that she's not. But that IS the truth, and finding a healthful way to accept it means you can all be on the same side when you fight it. It also means that you can then move on with YOUR lives. In terms of the loss, remember that you didn't lose everything from your past; you still have your family and your good times. The bad times were real, and you can be angry/sad about those. But again, finding a way to let the stages of grief happen (moving through shock, anger, denial and resentment to acceptance) means you can let go, just as she will have to learn through behavior therapy to "let go" of things she can't let go of just yet. And the space between family members comes from the intrusion of this unwelcome visitor called OCD - it's now the whole family's responsibility to kick it out, as it's an unwelcome guest.

You and your husband will need to do some repair work on your relationship
- that will occupy your energies, and will in some ways be good for your daughter as well. Even though you might want to support her and to "search and find" for her, you MUST empower her to become the General in the fight against her OCD; no one can do that for her. You can only be her lieutenants. If she hasn't joined the TeenOCD list, I'd recommend it to her. If she's only has a few CBT sessions, then she's just starting out and could use the support from others going through the same things. It also sounds like her meds are starting to work. That means it's time for you two, and if the insurance will cover it, I'd recommend couple's therapy with someone that knows OCD. Not because your relationship is in jeaopardy, but because you have a threat to your family that will require both of you to be supported and empowered yourselves so you can have your lives back, and so you can be the best help to your daughter. If therapy isn't possible right now, I'd recommend getting the book "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, along with it's accompanying workbook to work on your relationship building. Then, I'd recommend the booklets "Learning To Live With OCD" and "OCD And Parenting" from the OC Foundation; both address how to be helpful to the person with OCD without getting consumed yourselves.

I hope this helps. If you need further input or suggestions, please email me at dr.hat@ocsda.org. And do let me know if I can send this to the Teenlist.

Cheers,

dr.hat

>Dr. Jim Hatton, >I came across this e-mail and saw that you are a licensed marriage, family >counselor. With relation to my daughter (16-diagnosed 8 months ago) having >ocd. This has been hard on my and my husband. He is the quiet caring type. > I >am the search and find person. I seek, search, set up school program, >emotional >supporter, etc. I have been so sad ever since her diagnosis. I am on >depression meds but seem to be up and down. My daughters struggles are just >now >responding to Zoloft (3r med) and has only had 2 CBT's. Our lives have >changed >so drastically. We are adjusting and learning not to baby her, yet be kind >w/ >regards to her learning changes, tiredness, anxiety and yes teen years. >I guess what I am asking is, how do my husband and I communicate better and >remain close while so angry and hurt over the loss of our past. This has >been >such an adjustment. We are seeking every help possible for her, guess not a >lot >of intimate time. It has also taken every cent we have until insurance >decides >whether to pay or not. >I love my husband, but I am so tired and worried that I am not being a good >wife. I love him but don't feel as close as we used to. >Can you offer any advice?