Pacing, pacing, walking about,
The endless fear, the endless doubt:
Does he love me? Did he lie?
It's enough to make you cry.
Check for monsters in the dark
And that the lights won't make a spark.
It'll go away if you sleep, it seems
But even then, it's in your dreams.
Wash and wash and wash some more
And be sure not to touch the floor.
If you do, then that's not good.
You wash again, you knew you would.
Flapping everywhere you go,
People say it's quite a show.
A big red penguin - yes, that's right -
They can't see your life is one long night.
Touch your side to even it out
Then someone touches and you shout
That they just don't know what they do.
They're just glad that they aren't you.
Curl up into a little ball,
Freak out while you're in the hall.
People ask if you're okay,
But you can't open your mouth today.
Think you'll cry when there's a fight,
Make sure you move the mouse just right,
Break into a sweat before you send,
You just can't make this nightmare end.
Count and count and count to eight,
Check to see that you aren't late.
Do it over and over again,
But don't you ever use a pen.
Erasing takes the pressure off,
Then people look at you and scoff:
What's wrong with her? Why is she...
And why won't this stuff let her free?
And then sometimes it goes away
You're so relieved, and you pray
That it won't come back anymore
And then you wash as you did before.
Dad always said that life was rough,
But I say it shouldn't be this tough.
Because along with all the normal strife,
I've had OCD for half my life.
Anonymous Author
Paint Brush
I keep my paint brush with me
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
Now my coats are all stripped off.
By Bettie B. Youngs
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.
from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield,
Mark Victor Hansen and
Kimberly Kirberger
I have a monster An OCD Teen
That lives inside
It eats my happiness
It sucks me dry
When the monster sleeps
I come out to play
When the monster awakes
It ruins my day
Although it is mean
ANd often crude
And sometimes makes me seem
Extremely rude
It gives me the courage
To face all my fears
To get through my day
Without many tears
None of the challenges the normal world gives,
Can compare to the one that lives,
Inside my head, so you see
Those challenges, they mean nothing to me
If normal people faced what I face in one day
They would break down and cry
Out of confusion and pain
So I am the lucky one
Because I am strong
I can conquer anything,
Anything at all
Everyday
Everyday is a struggle.
Bash.
Bang.
Boom.
Stumble.
Will it ever be better?
I am caught up
in this smuggle called OCD.
Depression.
Anxiety.
Aggression.
Why me?
I ask.
What did I do to deserve the pain?
Just so the OCD can gain over me?
Everyday is a struggle.
Bash.
Bang.
Boom.
Stumble.
Please leave me,
Demonic force,
OCD.
An OCD Teen
You're trapped inside,
You try to leave,
The walls of fear
I want to get better,
You can't get out,
You're forced to wash and check and count.
You try to stop,
You try to get right back on top.
rise up above,
blocking out what you want to think of.
I want to be me,
I dream of the day when I'll finally be free.
An OCD Teen
A poem to sooth.........
The sight and sound of water rushing through a river,
The silence of an open field,
The sun,
David F.
Nature's work of art so spiritually uplifting,
The powerful force of the current and the
bubbling sounds state their presence,
I am welcome in their sanctuary and
become part of their surrounding,
I become one of their kind,
I am content.
So quiet and empty the atmosphere changes me,
I am holy as one alone in the wilderness,
Absent from the activities of daily society,
Fear, hate, pressure, they do not exist any longer,
For I am now filled with kindness, pleasure and peace,
I am content.
So large its rays reach out to all,
Shining everything under its sight,
Forgetting all my troubles till time comes to night,
Humble I am with the sun overhead,
Happy to be who I am,
I am content.
PANIC
It comes out of nowhere,
What kind of life do we live
~Audra
Triggered by some unsuspecting thought.
Waves of heat and cold ripple through my body
Mind and heart and fear race, pounding pumping
Stomach churns
Chest locks up burning
I sit frozen, scarcely breathing
What if-
Stomach pain, dull ache, lurching
Memories of past illness
What if-
I almost *want* it to happen
What if-
My head pounds, cold sweat forms
And then-
nothing.
Living in fear of fear?
The Battle of My Life
I had been diagnosed with OCD,
It was the worst thing that ever could happen to me.
My medication wasn’t right, I became very depressed,
My whole life changed, I was so worried, so stressed.
I was distant thinking no one would ever understand about this,
My old life I had loved, there was so much to miss.
One day as I sat there in my room,
It filled with darkness, scaredness, and gloom.
I saw my life flash before my eyes,
No one could help me or hear my cries.
I heard two voices as I reached for the knife,
One said "Don’t do it", the other said "Die."
As I listened to the second voice, I slit my wrist making no noise.
I looked down and I started to cry,
Because that’s when I realized I wanted to die.
I told my friend everything that next day,
She took me to the counselor, said it’d be OK.
They had me call my mom, told her I wanted to die,
I got so scared when I heard her cry.
She took me to the emergency room,
I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, "Sarah is crazy",
my schoolmates would assume.
I was released within a week,
Coming home, comfort I did seek.
But instead when I returned to school,
No one talked to me, I felt like a fool.
Being so open with my friends, I thought they’d still stay,
Instead it just scared them and pushed them away.
I made a mistake by telling a certain friend,
I thought that she’d keep my secret ‘till the end.
But she had told everyone, I had come to realize,
When I walked into school, seeing so many pairs of intense,
staring eyes.
So I threatened her in an aggressive way,
She had done this to me, now she would pay.
But as I thought some more, I decided enough is enough,
I would take away that barrier and not be so tough.
We listened to each other, talked things out,
There was no more conflict, no more doubt.
Since my 7th grade year I’ve come so far,
And when things get hard I just remember that times can get better,
as bad as they are.
For all the people who ask about this I won’t admit,
What I did, I just sit,
and think about what would have happened if I died,
I think of all the things I would’ve missed out on, and again, I cried.
By: Sarah J.
