~HEARTFELT WORDS~
BY
~JODY~
 

 

 ~MIXED MESSAGES~

It has now been two years and four months since my world 
came crashing down around me. In this time, I have been as all grieving parents, being tossed and turned with the crashing waves of grief, and trying oh so hard to survive. I have read books, attended support groups, and though they all have been helpful, I come away with more confusion sometimes, then understanding.

The first few months of grief, everyone is supportive, or they try to be, and then as time passes we start to hear the clichés of the professionals, and our loved ones around us. We hear, it is time to move on; you need to get your life together, get busy, find a project and just try to forget………I heard this 3 weeks after Cory died. Well meaning I am sure, but so senseless. When we find ourselves unable to do these things that everyone suggests, we come away with this feeling that there really is something wrong with us, why can’t we move on, or just forget, or get our lives together, so now we reach for the books, hoping that maybe they will tell us how to put our lives back together, after all they are professionals, they should have the answers.

Well after reading most grief books that is when I really come away confused. I can’t speak for all of us, just my own experience and I read that I am supposed to reach the point that I am grateful for time I had, walk through the feelings, not around them, and don’t try to deny how you feel as it will just come back with a vengeance. So here is the dilemma………

How does a grieving parent, walk through this horrible experience, get in touch with their innermost feelings, and continue to function? We are hurting, and we cry, and we rage, and withdraw. Now that is being in touch with our feelings, but we cannot go through life this way for this is unacceptable to most, so we learn to deny what we feel, because that is all that society will accept from us. They tell us to see the beauty of each new day, and be thankful for what we have left, and on certain days I can do that, but most days, for a grieving parent, is just another day without their precious child. If we stayed in touch with our feelings all the time we would all be walking around with tissue boxes in our hands on a continual basis, or ranting and raving to our friends and family about the injustice that we feel at this devastating loss, and sad to say most people grow tired of hearing it, or worse yet don’t want to hear about it ever.

Most of us have not had the luxury of walking through our grief. We have been pushed by well meaning people to get back to jobs, remember we have other children to think about, don’t forget that others are grieving too, and well I don’t know about all of you but I come away exhausted, not only from the grief, but from all the ways that others tell me I am supposed to be. From this experience I would like to share what I have learned and maybe it will help you also.

Grief is as individual as the loss. Our children were different, the way our children died are different. Reach out and get the support, read the books, and then process and take with you what helps you and forget the rest. When all is said and done the journey of grief is indeed a very personal and private journey, we are the only ones that know when and if we are ready to take that next step. I share these feelings with you for I learned this valuable lesson the hard way. I did what others thought I should do, what I felt pressured to do, and I so hope to get the message to the newly bereaved to not cave into this kind of well meaning dribble. You take charge of your own grief journey, if you want to cry do so, if you can’t cook tonight don’t, understand that no one understands the pain you are in, only you can decide what is best for you. We are all new to this pain, we don’t know how to go on, and believe me when I say that there are many, many people out there that have all the answers for you. This is your child, not an aunt, or a grandparent, or a pet, so until they too have lost a child, they have no understanding of the devastation left for us to deal with. Take your time, do what you can, pat yourself on the back for what you did do, and be gentle with yourself with the things you didn’t do. You will start to do all of these things again, just make sure it is on your timetable and not someone else’s. There are so many aspects on a grief journey that others just cannot imagine, and it takes time, lots of time to get there. Remember we are lost, we don’t know the way, we are in darkness, and looking for the light to guide us. Your light could be another bereaved parent, a support group, a friend or mate. The journey of grief after losing a child is likened to walking in the wilderness. We have no direction, no one can tell us the right way, we just have to feel our way through, and in this process we will fall, we will take detours, and there also will be times that we will just give up. We will walk, we will rest, but we will get up again, and one day we will find that we can look back and see how far we have come. It is your journey, a journey you never wanted or asked for, and so have patience with yourselves to find the right direction for you. There will always be someone who has walked a little further than you have, and will help to show you the way………

A dear friend sent me this quote that she had found in one of The Compassionate Friends newsletters, and I found it fitting as it states so closely to how I felt when I found myself writing on this aspect of grief. I think it says it all.  "I will not further burden myself by trying to fit some image of a "model griever". The strength I have is the strength to be myself." God Bless each of you as you continue to walk in this valley, may we all continue to walk towards the light of a "new normal" way of living our lives, but in the meantime you are okay just the way you are.

 

 
 

 

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I HOPE THAT YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME
TO VISIT CORY'S MEMORIAL PAGES

MEMORIAL PAGE CREATED 
BY SARA DUNCAN 
~CORY MICHAEL GRIFFIN~

"IN GOD'S HANDS"
~REMEMBERING WITH LOVE~
~CORY MICHAEL GRIFFIN~

"IN GOD'S HANDS"
~ON THE WINGS OF ANGELS~
~A TRIBUTE TO CORY MICHAEL GRIFFIN~
 
 

 
 

 
 

~EMPTY ROOM~

~RESERVED~

 
 

~DIARY OF MY HEART~ PAGE INDEX