militant
We seek to do no harm. I think I'm getting dangerously close to having no meaning in my life. I have good nights, and i live for them. But when there are no good nights, what do I have? Is this the beginnings of a soldier? I sure hope not. I am not the military type. i get pissed enough to join, but then I start thihnking realistically again. i am not soldier material. i do not have the mental capacity to survive in a life or death situation. I would be court-marshalled for cowardice in the face of the enemy. But when it comes down to it, what else is there? My enthusiasm for music is declining, my love-life is non existant, I'm shamed by my body, i am never an ideal student, my freinds either dont listen or reluctanly listen, everything i do gets PHUKED up, i buckle under the pressure, i dont know my limitations, i dont enjoy life anymore. I am a breeding ground for decline. What's the point of me? I'm a drone. not a very good one at that. my 'eccentricity' is my downfall. 'eccentric' is a word sometime used to soften the harshness for people too fucked up to live normal lives. I'm not a fuck up, im eccentric, right? Im not the wierd one in my family/school/'circle of freinds', im eccentric. That makes it not quite so bad. it's like a PC word. You don't die, you expire. you're not a cancer pateint, you're a terminal case. you're not handicapped, you're handi-capable!! "Yeah, i'm handi-capable, im no longer handicapped!!!" you 'tradgic' people that dont follow social norms and pretend to be proud of it are "eccentric". dont girls love that? 'awwwwww, how cute, he's eccentric. I'll never fuck him, but he's eccentric and that's ok. I can probably have girl talk with him!" Iv'e had moments of fun, but im waiting for the real fun to start. A couple more years and im no longer a teenager. when did this happen? Arn't their things i should have done by now? where are my stories to tell my future kids? when is this life going to have any signifigance? why do i fuck myself up with my own stubbornness? i know the answers to all these ?'s, its cuz i dont let myself. I may never let myself, because i dont know how. I pride myself on being such a strong person, probably because im not. If i left right now, who's to know? who's to care? maybe this is the birth of a faceless human destined to fight in a swarm of faceless human, so he can die without any consequenses. maybe because you'll have expectaions of earning money, and building up your body. the army is the answer!! it's not using your expectations as bait! ...Bait to lure thousands of human sheilds. to prepare for the great war.
i want so badly to be signifagant. wasn't i meant to be something? if i am, is it something other than the 'guy-who-dies-so-the-hero-doesn't'? if my family still likes me, they'd be sad for me. that's about it. i fucked everyone else over without even trying or knowing. I fucked it up.
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