paradiddle
rubbing my eyes. its so weird to read something from someone who used to be so much like you. let me rephrase-- someone that is how you used to be. I know i was like that. and how i wish i could back up and change it. ---but its over now. im not completly in the clear with myself yet, but i can smile. i have an online freind in AZ. she;s very cool indeed. she recently meet someone in her town that ended up drooling over her. which is understandable, seeing as shes quite a fox. - lol, i just called someone a fox. but anyway, - this guy spent evrywaking hour thinking of her. he took it way way too far. he has a dairy online, kinda like this, but its at a site specifically for diaries. i read his stuff. i read it and just wanted to vomit. i think mostly because i see so much of myoldself in him. oh the shame. even as i read some of my own poetry i cant beleive my old thought prosseces. i considered deleting some of em, but im not gonna. it'll one day be a window into my past. right now its my past mixed with my present. so, i guess i gotta keep it. hehe, anyway, my thoughts keep going back to my past. how retarded i was, yet how much i miss it. it was safe. and how much people think im still there. im really not. but i can see how alot of people can think that. everyones buying cars and getting in to good colleges. sallright. im just alittle behind. made some bad decisions. but ill catch up. *sigh* :/ anyway. all bullshit aside. recent happenings. ryan moved out of state earlier this month, i started reading a book, i statred keeping a true journal, this weekend i went to a party that got busted, but everyone got away scott free, *whew*, me and my long lost buddy josh put together a jam session, kinda rough, but we're both outa practice, and i guess thats about it. oh yeah, i applyed at the Y yesterday. hope i get it. i really need money. there is so much stuff i need money for. small goals: tattoo, shit you know what? thats the only small goal i have right now. i was gonna buy a 24 pack for ryan since i mooch off him so much, but hes gone now. there's gotta be something else. buy some CDs, some clothes, not much else i guess. i got big goals though. lots of em. more drums, rent a place to put em and play em, eventually rent a place to live, buy lots of soundproofing stuff, stuff to make my own make-shift studio, a car of my own, various lessons and products... just need stuff, ya know? well, valentines day is soon. once agian, no one for tim :( the last time i had a valentine was i think in 8th grade. after that all my girlfreinds wernt with me around v-day. sucks oh well, as me and tommy say, "yeah! not gettin laid! woo hoo!" refering to not puting up with the bullshit of relationships. good and bad, but around feb it seems more bad than anything else. beep * new topic really gettin to hate school. even my music classes. im thinkin im destined to be a non schooled bum. i think thats one more thing i need money for.. lemme explain. i wanna make enuff money to COMPLETELY pay my own way thru school. that way if i fail or drop classes, its ok, cuz its my money and not my parents's. prolly be more insentive too. i was plannin on takin a year off school anyway. but then i found out about the insurance thing, so that didn't fly. i think anything at all related to the corperate world is my enemy. reports, *shudder*. in school as in office jobs, hell! hopefully the Y wont be real corperate feeling, seeing as its the front desk and all. guess well have to see. umm, monkies. yeah... i guess this entry isnt gonna get fillysofical at all. maybe next time. see ya :/
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