"*Nsync in da hood"

BANG! CLUNK! SPUTTER! BOOM!

Chris: What the hell was that?

(JC looks out the window)

JC: Dude, we're not moving.

Joey: I wonder why?

JC: 'Cause the bus has stopped, dumb ass.

Joey: (looking mildly annoyed) I know that! Why are you guys always treating me like I'm so stupid?

Justin: (smiling mischievously) Actually, I don' t know why we make fun of you so much actually.

(The others start to laugh hysterically)

Joey: Forget you, Justin. Besides, that was only one time. And I told you guys, I was really nervous!

Justin: Sure Superman.

Lance: Alright guys, cut it out. Justin, quit rippin' on Joey.

Justin: (smirking) Okay, Lancey. I know how screwed up you and Joey's sex life is when Joey's unhappy.

Lance: (frowning) What's that supposed to mean, Timberdick?

Justin: Let's just say that the whole "Lance being gay" rumor is finally confirmed…

(Lance immediately jumps on Justin and starts beating the crap out of him)

Chris: (to JC) Should we stop 'em?

JC: Nah, keep them preoccupied. The less they talk, the less idiotic things come flying out of their mouths. The less idiotic things come out of their mouths, the more time I have to hit the pipe…er, I mean, the sack. Yeah, the more time I have to sleep. Whew! Nice save!

Chris: JC, you were supposed to say that last part quietly.

JC: (smiling widely) What last part?

Chris: Now that was a nice save!

JC: C'mon Chris, let's go see what happened with the bus.

(Chris and JC walk to the front of the bus, leaving Lance straddling Justin and pounding him with his fists as Joey watches with amusement)

Chris: Hey James, what happened? James? James?

(James is gone…DUH!!! Where the hell did you think he was? On the toilet?)

JC: Where's James?

Chris: Why are you asking me?

JC: 'Cause I'm from DC.

Chris: (giving JC a strange look) Dude, you've definitely been hanging with Lance for too long. Didn't I always tell you that when Lance starts talking, we are immediately supposed to stop listening for fear of picking up any of Lances idiosyncrasies?

JC: Oh yeah. Sorry. Hey, that big word you said had "sync" in it! Did you make that up?

Chris: Whatta dumb ass. Okay, first order of business. Find James.

(Chris and JC wander around the bus like idiots looking under the table, in the bathroom, and even under the couch cushions calling "James? Where are you?")

JC: I don't think James is on the bus, Chris.

Chris: (sarcastically) Really? How'd you come to that conclusion?

JC: Well first, when he wasn't in the driver's seat, I started to get suspicious. Then, when we couldn't find him anywhere on the bus…

Chris: Okay, okay! I get the point! Second order of business: Figure out where we are.

(JC and Chris look out the window and see a dirty, broken down street and old decrepit buildings)

Chris: It looks like we're in…I don't even wanna say it.

JC: I do. It looks like we're in the ghetto. Look at the quality of that public housing. (as one of the buildings collapses to the ground) It's better than most projects, considering I'm paying for this out of my taxes!

Chris: Shh! Do you want the readers to think you're a closet racist?

JC: No…

Chris: Then do me a favor. Don't talk for the next ten minutes.

JC: Okay, time me!

Chris: Didn't I just say be quiet?

(Lance, Joey, and Justin run to the front of the bus. Justin has a black eye, a busted lip, and a bloody nose. Lance has a page ripped out of Joey's porn magazine and is staring at it with satisfaction)

Lance: (rubbing the page on his face) "Lance being gay" rumors, my ass.

Chris: (looking at Justin) Now that's what I call opening up a good old fashioned can o' whoop ass.

Justin: He didn't whoop my ass.

Joey: Then I'd hate to see what it looks like when he finally does.

JC: Okay you guys, drop it. We have to get out of here somehow.

Chris: It hasn’t been ten minutes, JC. Why are you talking?

JC: Shut up Chris. The leader in me has been resurrected, like the mighty Phoenix out of the ashes.

Joey: Phoenix? Is that where we are?

Everybody: Shut up, Joey!

Joey: Okay, okay. Sorry.

Chris: Me and JC have come to the conclusion that James has magically disappeared…

JC: Or spontaneously combusted…

Chris: …and left us here in the ghetto to die.

Justin: The ghetto? Then the J-Dog is home! (without warning, he immediately reverts to what the fat white guys on Capitol Hill have deemed "Ebonics") Yo, I gots ta be getting' off dis piece! My peoples is out dere!

JC: Oh lord.

Chris: As ignorant as Justin sounds, he has a good point. We're sitting ducks on this bus. Let's go ask someone for help.

(So the boys of 'NSYNC, like the naïve little suburbians they are, get off the bus and approach a group of thugs that are "chillin'" on the corner)

Lance: (pushing Justin forward) Go talk to your people, Justin.

Justin: You talk to 'em!

Chris: Let's all talk to 'em.

'NSYNC: Hi! We're 'Nsync!

(The thugs look at them, perplexed)

Joey: I don't think they understand us, Chris.

Chris: Hmmm, I think you're right, Joey. Here, let me try. (extends his hand to one of the thugs) Hi! My name's Chris and I idolize Busta Rhymes!

Thug #1: Busta…Rhymes?

Chris: I think I'm getting through to them!

(The thug cocks his head to the side in confusion and rattles off a bunch of slang that none of them can comprehend)

JC: What the hell did he just say?

Chris: Justin, you understand ebonics, tell us what he said.

Justin: I can't.

Lance: Why?

Justin: Because you see, ebonics isn't what real people from the hood speak. It's just some lame term made up by people in Washington DC to explain why corny ass white boys like me speak improperly.

Lance: So you can't communicate with them?

Justin: No… kids like me aren't really in touch with the hood, we just wear huge necklaces and baggy clothes to try to be down. Think about it: how in touch with the hood can I possibly be when I pronounce "2Pac" as "2Pack"?

Chris: The little wannabe has a point. Now what?

Joey: Well, someone has to talk to them.

JC: I'll do it.

(JC approaches the thugs with a huge, sunny smile on his face)

JC: (in a sing song voice) Hello, dark people!

Chris: (slapping JC upside his head) JC, what the hell are you saying?

JC: What? I always say that to Ruben…it's our private joke. Ruben doesn't mind, so why should they?

Chris: Because Ruben is a sell out that doesn't even admit that he's one-eighth black most of the time, that's why. These guys, unlike Ruben, don't care that we're rich and famous. They'll kill us if we say the wrong thing.

(The thugs have once again gone back to conversing amongst themselves)

Lance: Here, let me talk to 'em. (approaches the thugs) Hey guys! What it be lookin' like?

Thug #2: (rattles off his sentence quite quickly) Whatthef***doesitlooklikebitch!

Lance: (jumping behind Justin) I'm scared! Save me!

Justin: (pushing Lance away) Get offa me!

JC: Let me try one more time. (in a loud, slow tone of voice) HELLO! WE….'NSYNC! WE… MEAN… NO… HARM! WE… LOST! CAN….YOU… HELP…'NSYNC?

(The thugs start to look angry and reach into their jackets…)

Justin: Hey JC. Why don't you just ask them to take us to their leader while you're at it.

JC: Shut up, bitch! Atleast I'm trying!

Justin: Yeah, trying to get us shot!

Joey: Look, I'll talk to 'em! (nods his head to the thugs) Big up to Brooklyn!

Thugs: (smiling) Aight!

Joey: Ay, yo, we lost, right, so can y'all hook a brotha up wit' some ways up outta this piece?

Thug #1: No doubt, baby. One love, one love. Check it, roll up to 3^rd and Adams, hang to the left and roll past M & G's E & J's. You gon' see big booty Laquisha on the corner. Go to the left and get on 64. Dat's it.

Joey: Aight B. Thanks. Much appreciation, partner.

Thug #3: Ain't a thang, baby. Ain't a thang. Stay straight, kid. Stay straight.

Joey: One mo' question.

Thug #3: Yeah?

Joey: How can I get up on some bitch ass?!

Thug #3: (smiling) Remember big booty Laquisha?

Joey: Aw yeah! (gives the thugs a pound) Mad love, baby! Mad love!

JC: Hey Joey?

Joey: Yeah?

JC: (shyly) Can you ask them where I can get some crack…caffeine?

Joey: No. It's a filthy habit and you need to quit. Crack kills. Haven't you ever seen that commercial where Rachel Leigh Cook destroys the kitchen?

JC: She was talking about heroin, Joey.

Joey: Same thing.

(The boys of 'NSYNC climb back on the bus happily)

Chris: One question, Joey.

Joey: Yeah?

Chris: What was that language you were talking to the thugs? It certainly wasn't ebonics.

Joey: You're right, it wasn't.

Chris: So how do you know how to speak to them?

Joey: You just have to remember a few rules. One: Talk faster than you normally would. Two: Repeat all phrases and sentences, and be sure to follow it up with "baby", 'cause true thugs can call other men "baby". And finally, if a word has more than three syllables, don’t say it. The art of slang isn't based on not knowing how to talk correctly, it's based on the idea that people in the hood are too lazy to speak correctly.

JC: Wow, Joey actually enlightened us.

Lance: Okay, now that we have proof that the world is coming to an end, let's get out of here.

Chris: (starting up the bus) You said it, Lancey!

Justin: Or as the thugs might say, "Word is bond".

Joey: Actually, they wouldn't say that.

JC: But how many times would they say "actually"?

Joey: How many caps were you about to get busted in your ass?

JC: (confused) They say "actually" that many times?

(Chris starts up the bus and drives off)

Lance: One more question.

Justin: (sarcastically) Only one?

Lance: You want me to kick your ass again?

Justin: Sorry…

JC: What's up, Lance?

Lance: Wasn't the bus actually broken down? How are we driving it?

Chris: Oh, that's just one of those plot holes that the narrator inserted because she didn't feel like making this story any longer than it should be.

Lance: Oh… I like the narrator.

Chris: (rolls his eyes to the ceiling) And I'm sure she likes you too. (smiling devilishly) I hopefully hope.

Joey: Can it, guys! I told you…

Everyone: We know, we know, you were just nervous.

Justin: (whispering to JC) Is he nervous every interview, then? 'Cause that's how often stuff like that comes flyin' out of his mouth.

Joey: I heard that.

THE END

Idiosyncrasy- A structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group, i.e. Lance's idiosyncrasy is using where he's from as an excuse for everything.

Pound- It's slang. Giving someone a pound is like giving someone five, only your hands are in a fist when you do it.