(RK hears a car pull up in the driveway, and gets up from looking at some lovely *things* on the internet to glance out the window.)
RK: “Aw, fuck! It’s my mom! Wot the Hell is she doing here?”
(RK begins to panic as she glances around the room, quickly closing down the browsers on her computer, throwing Mars’ beer into the drawers in the fridge to hide it, and stuffing under her bed some “magazines” that had been lying about.)
(She looks around one more time as she answers the door.)
RK: “Mom! What a lovely surprise! Didn’t know you were going to be stopping by.”
RK’s Mom: “Well, I was on my way by and just thought I’d stop and say ‘hi’.”
(RK was sweating nervously as her mom entered the house and gave it an appraising look.)
RK: “Look, Mom, it’s really nice you’re here, but you should’ve called first!”
RK’s Mom: “Why? You doing anything you don’t want me to know about?”
RK: “Uh… no?”
(Just then another car pulls up in the driveway blaring loud music, accompanied by the discordant singing of several very drunk people.)
(RK checks outside and sees that it’s her and Mars’ recently acquired new roommate, Sandy, being dropped off by some of her friends. She swears under her breath.)
RK: “Aw, double fuck.”
RK’s Mom: (cocking an eyebrow) “Excuse me?”
RK: “Ah, nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
(RK was blushing furiously.)
RK: “Just give me a moment, Sandy’s home.”
(RK quickly steps outside to intercept her roomy. Sandy staggers slightly towards the door, and RK stops her at the porch.)
Sandy: “Dude, who’sh cah ish dat?”
RK: “It’s my mom’s, dude. She’s inside, so try to act a little sober, k?”
Sandy: “Ah, man, ya know me. I’m fine.”
(Sandy hiccups and sways a little.)
RK: “Yah, sure. Just no puking on the floor.”
Sandy: “Gotcha.”
(Sandy winks and aims her fingers like a couple of guns. RK sighs, then the two of them head inside.)
(Once inside, Sandy asks in a rather loud voice.)
Sandy: “Sho, dude, didju hide da p0rn ‘n b33r?”
(RK’s mom gives them “the look,” complete with raised eyebrow and disapproving stare.)
RK: “Dammit, Sandy, what did I just tell you? Why don’t you go to your room and sleep a little.”
Sandy: “Mmm, shleep good. Shleep here.”
(Sandy lays down on the floor and is snoring within seconds.)
RK: “Fuh…dge-sicles. Uh, yeh. Sandy, I said *your room*, not da floor.”
(RK sighs, and starts dragging Sandy toward her bedroom.)
RK’s Mom: “Is she drunk?”
RK: “Who? Uh, oh, her. No, no. She’s had a very stressful day and it’s just all the adrenaline finally leaving her system. Really.”
(RK smiles in what she hoped was a convincing manner, then continued dragging Sandy toward her bedroom. Once there, RK heaves her up on the bed, then cusses her out.)
RK: “Hope you’re happy, you drunken motherfucker. Make me haul your ass thru the house, just ‘cuz you can’t put down the damn beer. Fuckin’ A, when my mom’s here, too! DAMN it! Now I have to go out there and try to convince her that we are like other pseudo-normal, studious college students. Fuck!”
(RK glares at her passed out and snoring roomy, swearing she’ll get her back for this, then goes back out to where her mom was waiting.)
(RK’s mom was just sitting down to the computer.)
RK: “Ack! No! Not the comp! You don’t want to get on there! Uh, don’t you want to visit?”
RK’s Mom: “Why? What’s wrong with… Oh. What’s this?”
(RK’s mom had moved the mouse, quitting the screensaver and showing the rather explicit background RK had on her computer.)
(RK, turning quite an interesting shade of red, tries to come up with an excuse.)
RK: “It’s, uh, it’s art? I have it for it’s artistic value. Look! All computer generated! Looks pretty real, too, yah?”
RK’s Mom: “But, they’re… naked. And… doing things.”
RK: “Yes, um, it’s representative of how people today use the computer to take advantage of helpless little souls to steal their virginity of the mind. It’s very symbolic if you know anything about the computer and the internet. It’s not really about sex at all. Really.”
(RK was now sweating rather badly, hoping her mother would buy this.)
RK’s Mom: “Are you sure? Because I don’t know much about the internet, but from what I can see, this just looks like pornography.”
RK: “Oh, yes, I’m quite sure. It’s a very bold statement about the current state of affairs in the world.”
RK’s Mom: “Ok, I’ll take your word for it, though I still can’t say I approve.”
(RK lets out a breath of relief.)
RK: “So, let’s just visit for a while. No more looking about or touching things. Just sitting quietly, talking, having a nice convo.”
(Just then Sandy stumbles out of her bedroom and comes into where RK and her mom were.)
Sandy: “Dude, thish ishn’t da bathroom. Ah well…”
(Sandy then proceeds to vomit on the floor.)
RK: “Ack! Sandy!! No! Not the floor, it was just cleaned! Dammit!”
(RK then notices her mother staring, and decides to take action.)
RK: “Ok, mom! Nice to see you again! Please, feel free to stop by anytime as long as you schedule at least a week in advance!”
(RK was ushering/dragging her mother towards the door and pushing her outside.)
RK’s Mom: “You sure she’s ok? She looked awful sick.”
RK: “No, really, she’s fine. Does this all the time. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you need to get on your way, yah? Love you, see you next time!”
(RK quickly closes and locks the door behind her mother, then turns toward her roommate who had once again passed out, this time in the hallway, halfway back to her room.)
RK: “FUCK IT, Sandy!! The bathroom is the OTHER way, yah? Now I gotta clean up your vomit before it sets in. I swear, you’re worse than a dog sometimes. Geez. Drinky drinky bad, ever hear that?”
(RK gets a bucket from under the kitchen sink, fills it with cold water, then goes and proceeds to dump it over Sandy’s head. Sandy magically splutters back to life.)
Sandy: “Aw, fuck man. Why’m I all wet?”
RK: “Up! Into your room.”
(RK was standing holding the bucket, pointing to Sandy’s room.)
Sandy: “No more b33r?”
RK: “NO.”
Sandy: “Fuck. J00 Suck.”
(Sandy crawls away to her room, and goes back to bed. RK sighs, and stares up at the ceiling.)
RK: “Why me, huh? Hope you Fates had a good laugh. Fucking twisted sense of humor.”
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