IT AIN'T WOT YA DO...
With Hughie, Alma the Cow and Boris the Dog
They're puppets... but don't try to tell them that!
Hughie: G'day. I'm Hughie... I like surfing, singing, sea, surf, silly things and stuff starting with S. But, hey, this isn't Sesame Street... How are ya? (pause) Ok, ok... I also like playing tricks on poor innocent dumb animals... and I can see a couple coming. See ya later, OK?
(Boris & Alma come in... Boris barking and bouncing around, Alma mooing, walks in slowly.)
Alma: Hello, Boris. What are you doing out here?
Boris: What do you mean, cow?
Alma: Aren't you usually in the house or at least the yard?
Boris: Um, well... I need a break every now and then.
Alma: A break?
Boris: You know what it's like... I just get bossed around by the pack leader. Having to lie in front of the fire, go in when you're told, get out when you're told, jump when you're told to jump, chase the ball, lie on people's laps, get scratched behind the ears.... GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Alma: Ooooh... that's a terrible job! You can't just get out in the paddocks, scratch your back on the barbed wire fence, chat with the other cows...
Boris: I'm not a cow.
Alma: Yes, I've been wondering about that...
Boris: I'm a dog... maybe I'll be a cow one day, when I grow up.
Alma: My calves didn't look like you... I don't think you're going to ever be a cow.
Boris: Phew! That's a relief! You've got a terrible job, having to stand out in a paddock, rain or shine, chewing grass.... erk!!
Alma: You haven't seen it all! I have to get up early every day just to lactate! I eat so much grass I almost throw up... have to chew my cud and swallow it again!
Boris: I do that too... I get in trouble if I leave a mess, so if I vomit...
Alma: Enough, enough!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Boris! Alma!
Boris: Did you hear something?
Alma: No, I'm a cow.
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Boris! Alma! Ye who have ears to hear, get the wax out!
Boris: Listen!
Alma: Huh?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Listen, oh dog and cow! I am God!
Boris: Where are you? Who are you?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): I am everywhere. I am God.
Alma: Dog?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Not dog! God!
Boris: You're a god?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Boris, you are a dog. Alma, you are a cow. But I am not a god. I am just God.
Alma: God? What does God do? I stand in a field, eat grass and lactate. Boris lies in front of the fire, goes in when he's told, gets out when he's told, jumps when he's told to jump, chases the ball, lies on people's laps, gets scratched behind the ears...
Boris: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Alma: What do you do, God?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): I am God of the open spaces, ruler of wind and rain, God of ages, God of power, God of grace, God of love, creator of all things...
Alma: Creator? What did you create?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Um... all things? The heavens and the earth?
Boris: The heavens and the earth? They've been around as long as I can remember... could you tell me about some recent work?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Well, it's true... I did have a purple patch a few years back... I did a whole lot in six days... sat back, had a rest for a while and had a look at my accomplishments... it was good!
Alma: And lately?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Um... there's this kid... you know Hughie?
Boris: Hughie the dog?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): No, he's a long haired surfer...
Alma: That funny lookin' little human with the big plank? Sometimes waits at the bus stop near my paddock?
Boris: I thought he was just a weird sort of dog... what about him?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): I made him. And when he got broken, I fixed him.
Boris: You a vet? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): No vet could fix him. He had gone bad. He was getting in fights, perving at surf chicks, swearing, causing trouble, and stuffing surfboards into whales' mouths!
Alma: Whales' mouths?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Sure, it's easy. You get a really big whale, just hold its nose between your fingers, when it opens its mouth to breath you quickly shove the surfboard in...
Boris: That's terrible! You can't put boards in other animals' mouths!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): You know, whales are pretty big, and Hughie didn't think one would notice a tiny little surfboard... but then one day Hughie was down on the beach, enjoying the beautiful sea, the seagulls, the waves, the sky and the sunshine. Suddenly he remembered something he heard at Sunday school... how I created all that and, even though I'm real big and all that, I know every seagull, every whale, every cow and every dog, and especially love kids like Hughie...
Alma: Wow...
Boris: I just feel like barking... woof!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): I was whispering in his ear... not like I'm booming now... and Hughie knew that, even though he pretended he was having a party, he really wasn't very happy... that's why he wanted to cause trouble and hurt whales! But he always thought... if I get involved with God, I won't be allowed to go out surfin' and stuff.... I'd just have to spend all my time singing in choirs and hanging around churches... which didn't seem much fun...
Boris: So he was afraid that his life would be like mine... getting bossed around by the pack leader, having to lie in front of the fire, go in when you're told, get out when you're told, jump when you're told to jump, chase the ball, lie on people's laps, get scratched behind the ears.... GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): But I told him right there... it ain't what ya do, it's the way that ya do it!
Alma: It ain't? It is?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): When Hughie surfs, he doesn't just surf... he does his best to be the best surfer he can be. It's the same in life. I don't want him just to live, I want him to do his best to be the best liver he can be...
Boris: Mmmmmmm....liver! Yum!
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): Not that sort of liver! I mean living life! So right then and there, Hughie decided to let me in to help him be the best liver he could be!
Boris: Mmmmmmmm... liver! Did we do that line already?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): I really want Hughie to have a live with a purpose, not just surfing and causing trouble for no reason. And he could still go to the beach and surf - it could even be a part of my plan! He could be a great guy, a great surfer, and help other people to see that they can live a great life, too.
Alma: I'm starting to understand now... my grass eating and lactating seems like a bad job... same thing every day... but if I remember that God made me and loves me just like I am, and has made a purpose for me... well, that's pretty good!
Boris: Having to go inside and outside, jump around, chase a ball, lie on people's laps... it's OK really, 'cos God made me a happy, frisky little dog, and I am making others happier too. Right?
Hughie (hidden - deep voice): That's the spirit! Just remember, I made everything, but I also made you, love you and have plans for you to have a great life!
Boris: Hey, thanks, God... that's real cool!
Alma: Yeah... I think I can mooooove on with life, knowing that!
(Alma & Boris both leave... Hughie re-appears.)
Hughie: He he he... I pulled a good trick on them, didn't I? They really thought it was God! He he he...
(Starts walking off - but then we hear the voices of Alma & Boris: "Thanks, Hughie, that was good... haven't heard anything like it since Saint Francis..." etc.)
