I went down to Kardinia Park one day to see my idols run around
And a strange guy with clown hair was waiting at the ground,
Balding at top and lookin' kinda dopey.
Before I could think, he bound me up with rope! He
Looked like me! His hair my colour gray!
Before you could say "Ablett!!!" he'd carried me away.
Dragged me to the club room (trained with weights, the cunning fox!),
Opened up a locker, dropped me in Steve King's shoe box!
Next day, Ayres yelled at the players "Something stinks!
"Tidy up! And lose some weight or look like Rene Kinks!"
Young Steve, he panicked, threw up half his tea,
Pulled out that old shoe box, took a look at me,
Called "Here's the culprit, Ayresy, it's one of my old socks!"
Ayres growled "Eat that meal back up, but throw out that shoe box!"
They wrapped me in a plastic bag while wearing rubber gloves
And threw me in a big bin with the Kit Kats and the Doves
And all the other chocolate bars they weren't allowed to eat
For fear that by the fourth quarter they'd all be tired and beat
From carrying all that flab just like they did in '98.
So, anyway, by this time it was getting kind of late -
A trainer wheeled the big bin out because all the players said
"That job would break a fingernail!" or "I should be in bed!"
Next morning, when the garbos came, I was getting out
But one of the garbos looked at me, gave me a hefty clout;
I heard him call to the other bloke "It's another Malcolm Blight!
More trash to ship to Adelaide! When's our next garbage flight?"
So here I am in Adelaide, I'm working on the street
As a busker and a huckster. My life is not complete
'Cause though they love hillbilly here and I can make some quids
I miss my lovely wife and son and daughters and grandkids!
I'm gonna buy a tricycle, ride home, impress you with my jokes,
Play banjo, ukelele, trom, and prove the other bloke's a hoax!
Love you all, God bless, don't take any wooden nickels (as I have to my deep regret),
Your loving husband, father, papa, Salvo officer, hillbilly blues musician,
all-round alright kinda bloke, tactician for the Kingdom, dishwasher, coffee
drinker, night owl, wood worker, dog wacker, wacker, frog breeder, tortoise
trainer, vegie grower, junk collecter, trailor hauler, pub crawler, footy
gates collector, Labor Party supporter (carn the reds!), Geelong fan (carn
the cats!), kumba cha brewer (carn the fungi!), etc.,
Neil "I did it God's way" Stewart.
xxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxoooxxxooo
