For those of you who DO need a reminder, i have prepared a brief history of the last 1000 years. Pay attention, i'm only going to do this once.
In the past 1000 years, people have been born, people have died. People have gotten married, divorced, had affairs, had cigars put in places not reccomended by most cigar smokers...Wars have been fought, won, and lost. Why not lump police actions in there too? Countries have been esablished, disappeared, been taken over, freed. Walls have been put up and torn down. Technology keeps 'advancing' so now we have telephones, tv, radio, computers (ok, thank you, God for that) vaccines for most anything that ails ya, heat and air conditioning, cars, the atomic bomb, which led us to nuclear warheads and other weapons of mass destruction...and yet, scientists stil can't figure out how many licks it takes to get to the toosie roll center of a tootsie pop.
OK, end of history lesson...on to bigger and brighter things.
Why, may i ask, did they decide to put the beginning of the new year in the middle of winter? It's not as if we (in America) don't already have enough stress at this time of the year, what with Thanksgiving (granted, that was esablished after the new year was already set in place, but that's irrelevant) and Christmas (or Chanukah, Kwanza, whatever that Muslim holy month is that i'm not even going to begin to try and spell)...now we have to make up these silly resolutions to try and better our lives for the coming year. Well, here's mine: I resolve that from this moment on, i will not celebrate the new year until the middle of August. If ya think about it, August is the perfect time to start the year...there are no holidays in August...it's summer so women can wear those skimpy dresses they all seem to wear on new years without having to drag a winter coat with them (except me, i'm too fat to fit into any of em)...and that way, my world won't come to an end until eight months after everyone else's has. It's the perfect solution.
But what REALLY gets to me about new years (besides the fact that it's in the middle of winter) are those stupid characters they have ushering out the old year and bringing in the new. You know who i'm talking about...Old Fart and Skippy the Wonder Cherub. Or maybe it's Dick Clark and Skippy the Wonder Cherub (does that whiny little kid with the Miss America banner around it's chest and the thong even have a name?) And then that whole tradition of kissing whoever you're with as the new year dawns...I don't know about the rest of you, but so far in my life, that's included my two nephews (now ages 4 and 10), my parents and my dog. Incest may be best in some parts of the country, and beastiality might turn some people on, but it's not quite my dream come true...Just once, couldn't i have THE guy come swooping out of nowhere, drag me into his arms, kiss me ever so passionately, carry me off to his mansion where we make love for days on end before he asks me to marry him so we can live in wedded bliss until either we die or the cubs win the world series (whichever comes first, i'm betting on the former). If that would happen...THEN i could die a happy woman. All right, so it doesn't have to happen exactly like that...i'd be content if he had a rahter large two level home with a walk-out basement, three car garage, inground pool, hot tub and sauna.
Anyway...i hope y'all are safe on new years eve...designate a driver and all that stuff. Only make resolutions you're going to keep...make sure you have a rubber if you're going to get into wet conditions...but most importantly, have fun. Party like it's 1999...you only have 365 days left til the end of the world...ok, then again, maybe not.
