Meet 'N Greet: Tammy Style

I may not have tickets to the concert, and dammit, I may not have a pass to their Meet 'N Greet, but one of my favorite sayings is, "All or nothing… besides, nothing bad can happen to me". Famous last words, huh? In other words, I'd go all out to see 'NSync and to be in a situation where I can meet them and let them know how truly corny they are. So this is my story.

I just kinda happened to be in New York on Wednesday, ya know… the same day they were there to do one of their concerts at Madison Square Garden. I was cool about it, though. Because of my earlier conflicts with Cassie about her tickets, I decided to get some pics with them just as a way to say, "Ha ha".

I couldn't very well go into this alone, though. I needed some accomplices. Unfortunately, Isabella now lives in Puerto Rico, so I couldn't call her. Lucky for me, my girl Kelley and my ace Yasmine were around. Well actually, Kelley agreed to meet me in New York and Yasmine made the six-and-a-half hour drive from VA with me. Armed with our Ruff Ryders CDs and bootlegged 'NSync imports, we were ready to cast off in "Cleetus", Yasmine's name for her 1954 Nova. I call it the Super Nova, though, 'cause when that baby hits 55, the engine explodes just like a super nova.

Before going, though, we stopped at a corner store in the ghetto to pick up on all the stuff we knew we couldn't get once we got out of civilization… like a gallon tub of Petroleum Jelly for 99 cents. It has so many economic uses. As long as we had our PJ, we’d have no need for lotion, Chap Stick, hair grease, cooking grease, or toothpaste. We also stocked up on Mike and Ike's, Boston Baked Beans, and Old E malt liquors. Who knew how long it would be before we hit another ghetto-mart?

So like I said, we hit the road. Unfortunately, Yasmine has a bad habit of trying to moon people while driving, so I had to drive while she stuck her ass out of the window and tried to precariously write, "'NSync Kicks MAJOR Butt" on each butt cheek. Go figure.

The drive was quite uneventful, with the exception of a few isolated incidents. First, we got pulled over by the State Trooper for having no brake lights… or brakes for that matter, but we were able to get out of the ticket by performing "It's Gonna Be Me", then teaching him the choreography to "Space Cowboy". Believe me, seeing a State Trooper riding an imaginary horse and humping the air is as amusing in person as it sounds.

Next, the car engine fell out right on the interstate. We didn't notice it until we were about five miles down the road and Yasmine asked in confusion, "Why is the 'Check Engine' light on?" So, we hiked back to get the engine, but ran across some trouble on how to get it back in the car. Being the ghetto scientist that I am, I realized that if I chewed some Boston Baked Beans, my saliva formed a very sticky substance. But we only had ten pounds of BBB's, which we definitely knew weren't enough. It was then that Yasmine got her brainstorm, and yet another use for Petroleum Jelly came to light. If the two substances were mixed, a substance stronger than Super Glue is created, and just like that, our problem was solved. We glued the engine to the roof of the car, connected my curling irons to the jumper cables, and were outta there. Ironically, the car worked better than before. We were actually able to do the speed limit on the interstate now.

Finally, we got a bit sidetracked. See, we saw a van that looked like the So So Def travelling van. Convinced that Jagged Edge was in the van, she trailed the vehicle for four hundred miles, determined to drag them out of the car and force them to sing "Let's Get Married" to her. I think the driver knew that we were tracking him though, 'cause he seemed to speed up everytime we did. Still, Yasmine drives like a Road King, so she gritted her teeth, narrowed her eyes, and spit in the palm of her hands ('causing the car to careen across the road for a few seconds) and gripped the steering wheel tightly. We caught up with the van somewhere in Tennessee (Justin's state!!! OHMIGOD…NOT!), only to realize that the van said "Soda Sop", not "So So Def". After whacking Yasmine on the head, I jumped behind the wheel and we did 70 all the way to New York. Unfortunately for us, the engine blew up three times before we got there, and each time it did, we had to waste ten minutes rebuilding it with our Baked Beans Saliva/Petroleum Jelly solution, but look at like this, we chopped a whole three minutes off of the time it would have normally taken to get there.

When we finally got there, Kelley had NO idea of what we had been through, but it's okay. It's not like we looked like hell when we got there or anything. We were still livin' ghetto fabulous with our Tim's, baggy jeans, and thug appeal. Word to ya mutha. LOL Kelley goes, "So when do we start 'NSync hunting?" "Now," Yasmine giggled insanely. She looked suspect, so I told her to calm down. I mean, she was rubbing her hands in this evil type of way and slobbering all over the floor. It was really disturbing, y'all, and Kelley was lookin' kinda scared for her life. We learned later that Kelley wasn't afraid of Yasmine, she was afraid of being clothes-lined by 'NSync's security. We told her to relax, since we had an advantage over all the other girls who were trying to meet them: we were minorities, cute ones at that, and we ALL know how much love 'NSync has for minorities.

Later that night, we sat back and wondered where the hell 'NSync would be after the concert. "The Tunnel?" Yasmine suggested, but we all just looked at her like the dope-head she is. I mean, The Tunnel is a straight hip-hop club. I don't care how black they wanna be, there's no way they can get into that club. Period. So we do some 'NSync scouting. We sit in Cleetus, which Yasmine so thoughtfully and discreetly parked behind their tourbus (how we got into the private parking lot without alerting security is a whole 'nother story) and waited. At ten o'clock on the dot, the boys ran out of the venue and jumped onto the bus. "Let's roll," Yasmine snarls, throwing Cleetus into gear. Of course, the engine chooses that exact moment to blow up, forcing us to vacate the vehicle and to do this stalker thing old-school style. We jumped onto the back of the bus and hung on for dear life as it pulled off. It was reminiscent of all the times me and Yasmine used to hitch rides on the back of buses, only this one didn't have a bumper, so we had to be all MacGyver-like and attach ourselves to the bus by tying our belts to the vents in the back of the bus. It was really hard since we had to hold our suitcases while we dangled off the bus. I mean, we couldn't very well leave them in Cleetus, now could we?

Finally, the bus pulls up in front of their hotel, the swanky Waldoff-such and such. I don't know the name and don't care to. I pledge allegiance only to the Budget Lodge. Sometimes the Motel 6 if I'm feelin' swanky. We wait around outside the hotel for awhile, trying to think up a plan. "Let's rent a room here," Yasmine suggested. I was game, except that the man at the front desk told us (we called the hotel on our cell phones) that a room for one night costed $600. "Ouch!" Kelley flinched, thinking about all the things she could do for $600… like buy a piece of mangled, half eaten French Toast that one of them had thrown out. Yuck. We decided to split up and make some money on our own block. In two hours, we would meet back up and tell how we did. But first we reserved a room with my credit card, and let me tell you, that HURT… $1200 just for a hotel? I knew I was gonna get me some Lance-lovin' for that, or my name ain't Shaft… and it ain't.

Two hours later, I saw that we had nothing to worry about. Our business ventures were VERY successful. I had made over $1100 doing something I had read about in a book. NO, I was not prostituting… but I was doing something called the Murphy where I would pretend to be a pimp, then someone would pay me like, $150 to be with one of my "hookers", who of course, didn't exist. I would just lead them to an empty hotel room, tell him to wait for her, and walk off with his money. Yasmine decided to put her awesome dancing skills to use and worked in a strip joint for a couple of hours… as a bartender. She would dance on the counter for extra quarters, and surprisingly, she came out with a whole five dollars. I was so proud. Kelley, on the other hand, started an Internet company with a record high of half a million dollars. Suffice it to say, me and Yasmine felt like bums compared to her, so we didn't make a big deal out of it. Atleast we had enough money to stay at the hotel, ya know?

So we get our room, which was a phat ass suite. When we went out onto the balcony, we could see almost all of New York. It was so pretty. But the best view was the view right beneath ours. Yasmine happened to glance down and saw blond cornrows walk off of the balcony right below us. Screaming some words excitedly in Chinese, she ran into our hotel room and opened her suitcase. I was really pissed when I realized that all she had packed were Ding-Dongs, water guns, Froot Loops, about 200 prophylactics (in other words, condoms), a ghetto-blaster (which is a really big boom-box), one change of underwear, and twenty pairs of mismatched socks. Pulling out three prophylactics, she ran into the bathroom and promptly filled them with water, preparing to drop one on good ol' Timberdud's head. Unfortunately, he went back his room like a rat goes into it's hole, making Yasmine incredibly annoyed. Undaunted, she just pulled out her ghetto blaster and put it on the balcony. She immediately started to blast some Ruff Ryder's, and like a good little wannabe, he came out onto the balcony again, bobbin' his head. Without hesitation, she dropped the water-filled condom, and SPLAT! It was all over him. He glanced up angrily at Yasmine, who tried to duck out of sight, but was too late. "You think he saw me?" she called loudly to me and Kelley, who buried our heads in our hands. "No," Kelley called, "but I know he heard you!" "Dork," I added under my breath.

I decided to go get some ice, except our floor didn't have one. Go figure. I went to the floor beneath us, toying with the idea of possibly running into 'NSync, and surprise, surprise! Who do I see when I get off the elevator? The Joshinator himself, JC Chasez, lookin' all anemic and strung out as usual. "Wassup?" he nodded to me as I walked to the ice machine. "You," I snicker, looking down at his pants, then at the long line of hoochies waiting to "hang out". He just laughed as I got my ice with my shaking hands and watched as one of the hoochies went up to him and was talking all in his face. As I walked passed the two, I accidentally spilled a handful of my ice down her shirt, causing her to scream. "Sorry," I shrugged. "That oughta calm your hot ass down," I laughed, walking back to the hotel. She muttered something unintelligible under her breath, but all I caught was something about a "hood rat".

When I got back to our room, I was bursting to tell the others about my JC escapade, but I saw that the two girls were occupied. Or rather, Yasmine was occupied, and Kelley was watching interestedly in the events that were unfolding. Yasmine seemed to be having some kind of war, but I didn't understand what was going on until I walked out onto the balcony and was promptly hit in the head with a water balloon. "Where the hell did that come from?" I sputtered, wiping the water out of my eyes. "From enemy camps," she whispered, rolling commando-style all around the balcony trying to avoid the water balloons that were falling from below us. "What the hell?" I frowned at Yasmine. "The enemy is armed and dangerous, Cap'n," she said, crawling around by her elbows like some kind of GI Jackass. "Why are they shooting at us?" I demanded to know. Pulling me out of the way as another water balloon splashed our balcony, she replied, "Justin got pissed that I dropped a water-filled condom on his head, so I guess this is his revenge." With a bitter laugh, she continued, "I didn't know they had water balloons. Watch this," she snickered, letting another H₂O prophylactic fly. Seconds later, we heard the anguished cry of someone. "What the hell is this?" the voice screamed at the top of their lungs. "Who is it?" I whispered to her, crouched in the corner of the balcony. "I dunno," she shrugged, "go look." "You look," I glared at her, "this is all your fault anyway." After a quick argument, Yasmine and I decided to look at the same time. Imagine our surprise when we saw a pair of green eyes staring up at us. Or should I say glaring. "Holy shit!" Yasmine exclaimed, scrambling to her feet. "He saw us! Lance saw! Let's get outta here!" Just before we went back into the room though, we heard Justin call up to us, "That's aight. We're goin' out tonight, so we don't have time to play with you little kids!"

"Did you hear that?" I asked as we went back into the room. "We gotta find out where they're goin'." Kelley nodded and set out to get some information. I mean, she had just been sitting their all night being useless. It was time for her to start earning her keep. Besides, since she was the only one who hadn't been seen by the guys yet, she was the prime candidate. We bid her farewell and watched as she bopped out the door.

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