The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.
He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone's feelings.
He works from 8 AM until midnight and is also the church janitor.
The perfect pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, guys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church.
He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience.
Above all, he is handsome.
The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.
He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.
He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its committees. He never misses the meeting of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The perfect pastor is always in the next church over!
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.
If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.
One of them should be perfect.
Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.
(This all goes to show that we often have unrealistic expectations of our Pastors.)
So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask the owner, "Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"
Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop and thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying,
"Wait... a.... minute...... yes, I think we just might have a dog that could fit your description."
The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog to the family, and the father says,
"We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to the dog, "Go find a bible."
Unbelievablly, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street, and into a church ..... returning with ..... of all things .... a bible in its mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their feet.
Genuinely impressed, the father continues, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.
The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through the pages .... stopping when it reaches Psalms.
Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring it home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family shows off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the man's head and starts to pray.
"Wait..... a..... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.
"That dog isn't Baptist!..... It's Pentecostal!"
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
A member of the congregation snickered at the preacher's snafu, raised hishand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the same words. This time he did it properly;
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."
Smiling broadly, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the congregation said...
"I sure could."
"And how would you do it?"
Perkins replies, "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon
2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
Hey, there are more that two flies in here!
I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family....
Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?
Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!
OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?
No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!
"And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
Nice Doggie!
"Are We There Yet?"
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'You're putting me on!!! What happened next?'"
Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."
A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a student, newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The student took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent... waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the student in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
And the student replied, "God was busy. He sent me."
