Roger was bored.

They were on the last leg of the Dream Tour. It was raining outside, dull and gray. He thought some websurfing might do the trick, but so far, no good.

Until he came across a little site called Mystery Science Cure Theater: 3000...

'This ought to be good for a laugh,' he muttered, noting the less-than-inspired layout.

His brown eyes narrowed as he read the disclaimers concering slash fiction. 'Such a joke,' he thought. 'Well, I'm bored. I'll have a look. This story Purgatory might be interesting.'

The author was taking a perverse delight in the story's MiSTing, He noted. She even had the following:

Apologies to all you Roger fans. My friend Kyle really, really loves the Cure, especially Jason! I promised I would put him in.

'And what made you decide to eliminate me, sweetheart?' Roger asked himself sarkily. 'Pull my name out of a hat?'

Trust me, I love Roger as much as anyone! (Don't get me going...)

'Pity," Roger said with a sly smile. "*That* may actually have been interesting!"

I pulled his name out of a hat, so poor Roger had to go...

'Hmph. Thought so. Well, let's have a look see here..."

Roger began to read...

Robert--(British tinged Western accent) Population 150...make that 149 since Nasty Dan rode in to town...
Jason--Purgatory, east of Tombstone. Krakatoa, east of Java.

Jason stood next to Simon
Simon (bratty kid voice) Mummmm! Jason's too close again!
Robert (Marge Simpson) Move away from Simon, Jason.

and watched as the spray of water hit the top of Simon's head
Simon--Ow! Ow! Stop that!

and ran in steaming rivulets down his chest to disappear under his swimtrunks,
Robert--Lucky rivulets!

or bump over them.
Kyle--Thumpthumpthump!

Simon's eyes were closed
Jason--He was playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey!

but he smiled when Robert hugged him from behind, recognizing his touch.
Kyle--Oh, hello Robert's touch, I recognise you...

Simon turned,
Simon--Far too many times and made myself dizzy!

eyes still shut and like a radar,
Jason (As Col. Potter from MASH) Radar! Where's that report?

homed in on Robert's mouth with unerring accuracy. Jason eyes went wide as they kissed madly,
Robert--Truly! Deeply!

tangling hands in each other's hair, moaning. Robert broke off
Jason--The attack, having decided to fight another day.

long enought to peel the swimsuit off Simon and then his own, flashing Jason
Simon--Well, if he just peeled off his swimsuit, one might assume he's flashing us!

a wicked grin
Simon--Oh!

just before Simon yanked him back impatiently.
Perry--He pulled him back with flowers?
Kyle--That's impatiens, Perry!

Simon held Robert closely rubbing erotically against him as they kissed, their tongues twining. Robert's throaty moans reverberated off the walls and into Jason's ears.
Jason--As opposed to my elbow, perhaps?

He swallowed
Kyle--No, that's in the next story!
(the guys laugh)

with difficulty, his heart pounding, but couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight. Suddenly Simon turned to press
Kyle--Flowers in his scrapbook!

Robert up against the wall, his hands sliding down to tease Robert mercilessly.
Robert--Nyah nyah nyah!

"Simon..." Jason heard Robert gasp out; felt himself gasping as Simon knit
Simon--A Jumper?

two fingers and thrust them into Robert. Jason trembled as Robert's knees buckled slightly and rebalanced, spreading his legs wider to allow Simon better access.
Perry--So now Simon can get into the computer rooms, the monitoring station, and the office supplies!
Simon--And I'll pinch the bloody lot, too!

His dark hair was plastered to the walls and his hands may have been gripping the safety bars,
Perry--Or maybe they weren't, we'll never know!
Robert--A case for Unsolved Mysteries!

but everything else about Robert was abandoned.
Kyle--I've come to claim this abandoned Robert Smith.
Robert--Take me home, please!

Simon ran his free hand down the length of Robert's body then turned to Jason with dark bright eyes.
All--Saaaaaay...

"Hand me the soap will you Jason?"

....


Perry--Jason, how'd you say that?
Jason--....
Perry--Oh, makes sense.

"Jason?"

A touch
Jason--An Invisible Touch...(hums the song)

on his shoulder shook Jason out of his reverie and he turned towards Simon with a blank look of surprise.
Kyle--Blank surprise! Just like Kathy Ireland in Alien from LA, except her expression was...
All in chorus--Dull Surprise!

"...Sorry?"
Robert--Excuse me?
Simon--Why, did you fart?
Robert (Phillip voice) Why yes I did, Terrance!
(they laugh)

Simon smiled, indicating with his
(Robert opens his mouth, closes it.)
Robert--Nawwww, too easy.

hand. "The soap, if you're finished with it."

Jason looked down at the pale rectangular bar
Simon--The soap, right?
Jason--Let's not jump to conclusions.

in his hand, his confusion clearing
Kyle--From the cleaning power of Ammonia D

as he glanced over and saw that they still had their swimtrunks on. He quickly passed the soap over.
Perry--It didn't look very fresh.

He caught Robert's bemused smile and gulped
Kyle--That's another story, too!

as he turned away to finish up, shivering dispite the warm water when he heard Robert murmur "I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine," and Simon's laughing assent. Turning off his showerhead, Jason grabbed his towel
Perry--Ohhh, to be that towel...

and quickly walked out.
Simon--On his wife and children.
Jason--But I'm not even married!
Simon--Oh, right.

Hiding in his hotel room
Simon--Jason wanked.
Jason--Oh, like YOU don't. (snickers)

was getting to be a bad habit Jason thought minutes later, as he tossed the keys onto a table.
Perry (as keys) Ouch, I fell on my table!

Not that there was anywhere else he could hide in privacy.
Kyle--Hide in privacy? That's a repetitve redundacy right there!
Robert--Brought to you by The Departmnt of Repetitive Redundancy Department.

They were in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Perry--Las Vegas, east of Los Angeles. Krakatoa, east of Java.
Robert--That's going to wear thin, Perry.

Bright lights,
Jason (Gizmo) Bright lights! Bright lights!

Sin City.
Simon--With Penn and Teller!

On the Swing Tour of all things. Ever since that evening several weeks ago when he'd accidentally spied his two bandmates, his friends in heated embrace,
Kyle--(pretends to write) Dear Naughty Letters...let me tell you about my bandmates...

every lyric of almost every song on that damned new album,
Robert (TV AD Man) It's the all-new damned new album by The Cure!

Wild Mood Swings,
Simon--Can be controlled with Prozac.

took on new meaning, taunting him.
All--Nyah nyah nyah!

He slumped down on a chair only to get up again as he realised his still-wet swimtrunks were soaking the pink velour cushion.
Kyle (as the chair, muffled) Hey, ya bloody tosser! Get yer wet arse offa me!

Even hiding in here was impossible.
Robert--He was accosted by the Spanish Inquisition!
Simon--No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Jason grimaced as he took in the flocked red velvet wallpaper,
Perry--there were sheep on the wallpaper?

white shag carpet
Robert--Fitting, considering that this *is* slash...

and tiled ceiling mirrors.
Jason--Wow, I can lie in bed and comb my hair!
Kyle--Lazy git!

The draperies were operated by remote control and the heart-shaped bed was covered by
Simon--Writhing bodies.
Perry--That's the next story!

a glossy red satin quilt. A small disco ball dangled from the ceiling spraying
Kyle--Gunfire!
Robert--Kyle, that's dark, man.
Jason--I thought it was Batman?
simon--I'll go for Sandman.
Robert--Stop MiSTing what I say!

random bits of coloured light. Robert had had the sudden urge to
Kyle--Jump Simon!
Simon--No surprise there!

try out one of the many themed hotels in the city and insisted it would be in keeping with the carnival-like tour atmosphere.
Jason--Where'd these circus clowns come from?
Robert--They fit with the theme, Jason.
Jason--Oh!

Jason scowled recalling Perry's casual glance as he was handed the keys
Perry--To the city! I rule Vegas! (waves arms triumphantly)
(Everyone makes cheering nosies)

to what the staff affectionately termed
Kyle--The Nookie Chamber

'The Shaggadelic Suite'.
Perry--Close enough!

Perry had maintained his look
Simon--But as he was nearing forty, he began to look rather silly!
(Perry sticks out tongue at Simon) You're nearer to it than me, mate!
of angelic innocence but his eyes smirked and Jason knew that Perry had been responsible
Robert--For widespread chaos and terror!

even if he wasn't aware of the effect. `I'll get you for this mate' he muttered as he stripped
All--Saaaaaay...

off his damp swimtrunks and changed into
Kyle--A sexy naked man!
All--Yesssss...

dry clothes. Austin Powers oozed
Jason--Mud.

`Come back soon, baby' as he left to meet the others for soundcheck and Jason made a mental note to rip out the voice box as soon as he could find it.
Robert (as Jason) Dry the chair...rip out voice box in room, jump Perry...gods, I'm terribly behind on my mental note list!

A trickle of sweat ran down
Jason--the street.

from the back of Jason's neck as he stepped into the Thomas and Mack Theatre.
Simon--For a minute I thought it might be the Terrence and Phillip theatre!
Robert--We'd have to give out gas masks to the fans! And you know what those do to my makeup!
Perry--Been getting kinky, have we?
Robert--Shush.

Could things get any hotter than this?'
Kyle (Hank Hill) Boy, I tell ya'll what...it don't get no hotter than this.
Simon--Yup (sips his lager)
Perry--Uh-uh. (does same)

he wondered and nearly groaned aloud at where his thoughts were taking him.
Jason (whiny) But thooooooooughts! I don't wannna goooo theeeeere!
Kyle--Since when is that?

"It's this August heat" he reasoned as he took his place behind the drums.

The soundcheck went well with few adjustments
Kyle--To our groins.

to sound and lighting. It would've been better Jason thought, if Robert hadn't gotten so inspired by his Barbarella suite to change the setlist, giving the show a more sexual-lunatic flavour.
Perry--Sexual lunatic flavour! Now new and improved!
Jason--What does sexual lunatic taste like, anyway?
Perry (leering) Taste me and see!
(jason kisses him) Ooh!

It was bad enough having to listen to Robert purr
(Robert purrs)

through `Icing Sugar', his eyes on Simon as he watched the handsome bassist pound his
Simon--Now that's interesting...
Kyle--You went there!

instrument as if it were... oh god.
Simon--Hah! See?

Jason nearly dropped
Kyle--His pants.

the drum sticks as Robert sang `Homesick' with almost perverse glee, stretching the lyrics in a throaty moan that made Simon grin. Jason stared for a brief moment as Simon tugged his black tank further down and reached to adjust himself
Jason--I thought you said there were few of those, Kyle?
Kyle--Well, it only happens once, I think...

behind the bass. No one would have noticed except that Simon was standing sideways to the drum kit
Kyle--Some assembly required!
Jason--Batteries not included.
Simon--Yeah, we use those for other things!

and was in Jason's clear view.
Perry--As opposed to his opaque view?

Jason looked away, and found himself staring right at Perry's backside.
Jason--Shake it baby!
(Perry shakes his butt)

Perry had one knee flexed, to balance his guitar, bending slightly as he adjusted the tuning.
Kyle--You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

His t-shirt had risen up the back exposing smooth pale skin that had a damp sheen from the heat. Jason wondered if Perry was like that all over
Kyle--I think we can all assume that Perry's that way no matter where he goes.
Perry--Umm, I don't think you parsed that quite right, Kyle.
(Kyle rereads it)
Kyle--Ohhh...saaaayy...

and gulped as he realized where his thoughts went.
Jason--Ooh.
Perry--Umm.

They were just friends Jason stated to himself, yet his eyes would return every so often as he noticed things about Perry he hadn't before.
Robert--Such as?

The soft sweet curve of lips that contrasted with eyes that would often sparkle with a devilish gleam.

Robert--Oh! I thought we'd all have noticed that by now...

How he handled things with a sure but gentle touch,
Simon--Oh, yesss...
(Perry grins)

or sometimes with a kind of energy that hinted at the fire beneath.
Kyle (Beavis) Fire! Fire! Hehehehe.

The t-shirt Perry wore was snug and Jason could see the outline of a nicely built torso.
Robert--Yesssss...

Fine hairs dusted firm legs encased in black shorts and Jason wondered how fine the hairs were--elsewhere.
Simon--Shall we find out?
Perry--Intermission!

End Part One

Roger chuckled a little under his breath. the author, Tangerine, had quite an imagination! And the person MiSTing it--Raven-- had quite a sense of humour. Her insight into their character, however, was quite unsettling.
All the same...it was quite a nice little diversion. He couldn't decide what was funnier, the MiSTing, or the slash itself...

The very idea of Robert and Simon...

Roger got back to reading.