The Musketeer: Sacre Bleu!

By Teddy Durgin
I don't know. Maybe the days of musketeer movies have passed us by. It was cool in the '70s when you had Michael York and Oliver Reed bouncing around with swords and big pimp hats, protecting the monarchy of France, and yelling, "All for one, and one for all!" There was even some fun in seeing Gabriel Byrne, Jeremy Irons, and Gerard Depardieu riding horses and swinging from ropes as musketeers in their later years in "The Man in the Iron Mask" (1998).

But do we really crave seeing old French guys (or, rather, British actors playing French guys) leaping from rooftop to rooftop, with swords and pistols, twirling their mustaches, and tickling the girls' chins? All for one, and one for all? Patooey! That sounds more like a cheap fast-food slogan in today's go-go vehicular culture.

With "The Musketeer" (new in theaters Sept. 7), the rope's end has been reached. Featuring some of the worst acting of the year, this latest retread from director Peter Hyams crashes through your local cineplex's movie screen to land with a resounding thud.

Justin Chambers plays the young D'Artagnan as less a musketeer in training and more like a fugitive from the WB Network. The guy is handsome, he looks good in costume, and he (or rather his stuntman ... it's pretty obvious) can swing a sword with the best of them. But then the guy opens his mouth and speaks and ... YIKES! It's not the fact that Chambers doesn't even attempt an accent. It's not the fact that he seems plucked from a beach off Malibu. It's the fact that the guy is a complete dud in the role. Chambers makes Christopher Lambert look like Errol Flynn. Seriously, every line sounds like a cold reading!

His love interest, a French maid who works in a flea-bag hotel and yet still has ties to the Queen of France (Catherine Ddeneuve), is played by Mena Suvari of "American Pie" and "American Beauty" fame. In the "Pie" sequel now in theaters, I complained about how Suvari basically phoned in the role. In "The Musketeer," had she actually been on a cell phone throughout the entire movie, it wouldn't have made her character any less believable.

The two Americans are laughable. And nearly everyone else, a mix of French and British performers, is interchangeable. At one point, I gave up trying to get a clear fix in my mind as to who each character's name was. I just silently referred to them as: crusty old man, even crustier old man, guy who looks like Depardieu, guy who looks like Doug Henning, and guy who played Nazi in the third "Indiana Jones" film. Everyone is that sketchy!

That Indiana Jones Nazi guy, in particular, has a silly function in the film. D'Artagnan (whose name is pronounced at least four different ways in the movie) teams up with three of the Musketeers to break him--the ostensible leader of the Musketeer clan--out of prison. You see, the Catholic Church has discredited the Musketeers in an attempt to seize the throne. Once free, though, does the guy rally what's left of the fabled French warriors? No, he sits around on his keyster, bitches and whines about the loss of honor, does almost nothing to help except spout some quasi-Yoda advice, then he gets himself killed about halfway through after the villain, Febre (Tim Roth), calmly walks in and torches his house all around him!

Yes, Roth is in the film. Yes, he has some nice evil moments. And, yes, he largely copies his Oscar-nominated Archibald role from "Rob Roy." But this time, he plays a guy who has no real motivation, no real past that tells us why he is who he is. He is just a killing machine. He loves to murder. That's it. Oh, and he dresses in black. Febre is apparently a former Musketeer, but we never learn how or why he fell from grace. We only know he is an attack dog of the corrupt Cardinal Richelieu (the nearly unconscious Stephen Rea).

Now, here is the kicker. All of the physical elements of this movie, the filmmakers got right! The sets and costumes are all top notch. The locations are mostly real French and Belgian locales. The sound and music score are just right. Universal pumped some serious money into this. And the action scenes, while dimly lit to conceal the stunt players, are spectacular. Xin Xin Xiong's fight choreography, especially during a climactic fight on ladders and an opening brawl in a bar, is a joy to watch.

Unfortunately, the young Musketeer avenging the death of his parents core of the story has been done to death, and the actors never really make you care. More and more, I am craving the human element. But if you are absolutely starving for action, see this at a matinee with the cheaper prices. Otherwise, "the Musketeer" is all for not, and not for all.

"The Musketeer" is rated PG-13 for some largely bloodless violence and sexual situations.