The Tuxedo: Chan and Hewitt Just Don't Fit

Please help. Will someone convince the Powers That Be in Hollywood to stop putting current, former, and future members of the Fox TV lineup in action movies?! This is the second week in a row in which I have had to labor through a ridiculous fight flick made even more ludicrous by the fact that the female lead was played by a former Fox network darling.

Last week, I listened as most of an entire preview audience guffawed at Lucy Liu of Ally McBeal trading punches, then fighting alongside Antonio Banderas in Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Yes, I know she was cool to watch in Charlie's Angels.

But that was an action spoof. Ballistic was designed to be hard core fisticuffs. Now, as I write this, I am one hour removed from enduring that super-cute broomstick with breast implants, Jennifer Love Hewitt, laughably trying to match kicks and karate chops as Jackie Chan's female sidekick in The Tuxedo. STOP THE INSANITY!!! NO MORE!!! I do not want to see Tori Spelling taking out the trash with Jet Li. I do not want to see Neve Campbell evening the score alongside The Rock in the next Mummy retread.

There are two things really wrong with The Tuxedo. The first is Hewitt, who gives perhaps the worst performance by a female action lead since Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough. She is supposed to play Del Blaine, a junior secret agent on her first assignment for a top-secret American spy organization. But the movie never makes up its mind as to whether Del is smart or stupid, self-reliant or completely and stereotypically helpless. One minute, she is delivering a karate kick to the side of a bad guy's head. The next, she is being grabbed by the throat as she whimpers for her life. She has ZERO chemistry with Chan. And anytime she has to pull a gun, or spout spy dialogue, or even summon a basic thought, you just want to cover your ears and eyes and hope this is just an extended cameo that will end sometime soon.

The second thing wrong with The Tuxedo is even more unforgivable. The movie doesn't let Jackie Chan be Jackie Chan ... at least not enough for me to recommend it even as a video rental. If you have read my past reviews of Jackie's movies, you know that I love this violent little imp from the Far East. I love his lightning-fast, ballet-like fights and stunts. I love how he uses everyday items like foot stools, coat racks, and refrigerator doors to
bash his attackers. And I love the innocent, little smile he flashes that almost makes you wanna give him a hug after he gets done whipping ass. But The Tuxedo is the first movie to make Chan's kung fu hijinks more the result of digital trickery than intricately choreographed, real-life stuntwork involving Chan himself.

I know Chan is getting old. I know he can't do half the things he used to do in his imported action flicks of two decades ago or even a few years ago. But, man, someone tell him that he doesn't have to resort to joining The Matrix ripoff crowd. Do what you can, Jackie. We'll still love ya.

Alright, the plot.

The Tuxedo features Chan as the chauffeur of Clark Devlin (Jason Isaacs, the movie's one saving grace) a James Bond-like secret agent who uses the high-tech suit of the movie's title to complete his various missions. The suit has some kind of biotechnology that makes whoever wear it into a superhero able to fight, shoot, dance, and romance like a Bondian secret agent. When Devlin is critically injured, Chan dons the suit to catch his boss's attackers and uncover a plot by a megalomaniac to poison the Earth's water supply so he can make billions selling his clean, bottled water to a thirsty population. You know the guy is a megalomaniac not because of his evil plan for world domination, but because he speaks with a tiresome British accent and wears sideburns like a retard.

Much of the blame for this turkey has to go to first-time director Keith Donovan, who (no surprise) was picked for this project after directing a few flashy TV commercials and music videos. I haven't seen a director do a worse job of botching a promising concept since Joel Schumacher deep-sixed the Batman franchise. After the abortion that was Batman and Robin in 1997, I asked aloud to all who would listen: "How do you screw up Batman?!" I ask now: "How can you muck up a Jackie Chan film?!"

I mean, come on, just point the guy in the direction of some slow-moving stuntmen ready to get punked and watch him go. This was the first movie where I actually wanted to see Jackie get hit! I was embarrassed for him. The idea of finding a suit that makes you superhuman when you put it on is great. Have Chan be a loser and a klutz without the suit, and Jackie Chan Superstar with the suit.

EASY!

I haven't even gotten into the almost completely indecipherable plot of how the villain wants to use genetically engineered insects (water striders, to be exact) to carry his bacteria to the various reservoirs. Science jargon and biotechnology gobbledygook should NEVER be in a Jackie Chan film!

OK, enough venom for one review. I still love Jackie Chan, but this Tuxedo is one suit that just doesn't fit him.

The Tuxedo is rated PG-13 for action violence, a couple of gruesome CGI deaths involving accelerated dehydration, and some leering sexual innuendo. Donovan, the director, shoots all of the women in this film as if he were a horny teenager with a videocam pointed into a cheerleaders' locker room. Donovan, might I suggest an alternate career ... as John Woo's chauffeur.