A Shattered Darkness

by Destardi.

Chapter 3

Anna watched the horizon uneasily, Ike was overdue, in fact he was more than a week late and she couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad had happened. Sighing she turned and walked back inside where her friend and confident Walker Morrison sat at the table.

“ He ain’t coming is he?” The young man asked softly noting how the words were like blows to Anna.

“ Something’s happened Walker. Ike wouldn’t just not come, he’d have sent word if he was put on another run or something.”

“ Maybe he’s had enough..”

“ Don’t.” Anna whirled furiously to stare at him, “Ike isn’t like that. He loves me, we made promises and Ike McSwain’s never broken a promise. Which means something has happened to keep him from coming to me.”

“ Anna you have to face reality some time. If your Pa finds out about him..”

“ I don’t care.” Anna whispered sinking into a chair. “I love him and I don’t care about Pa. He’s not my worry anymore.”

“ No?” Sucking in a quick breath Walker faced the young woman, “And what about your baby? If your Pa finds out that you ain’t married and with a child on the way, he’ll kill him. And you!”

“ Who said I ain’t married?” Anna replied. “You don’t understand Walker. I need to know what happened, Ike is part of me.”

“ Anna I do understand. You loved him more than anyone in the world, but if what you’re thinking is true you have to start thinking of you. Allen Tayler isn’t forgiving to people, least of all to his kids.”

“ Doesn’t matter. I go by McSwain now anyway.”

“ Anna.” Exasperation rang in the words as the man glared at her from across the table.

“ No! I’ve had it with being pushed and prodded at until I do what is expected of me. I want Ike and I don’t care who else knows it.” Anna replied furiously as the door opened and a tall, broad shouldered man stepped inside.

“ Anna Marie. Walker. How are you today?”

“ Just fine sir.” Walker said glancing at Anna then at her father. “And yourself?”

“ I’m well. See to my horse.”

“ Yes sir.” Rising he patted Anna on the shoulder then headed outside.

“ I think you and I need to have a chat.”

“ What about Father?” Anna crossed her arms over her chest and shifted so her back was to the counter. “What you want?”

“ Duncan tells me there’s been a man staying here regularly. One that doesn’t work for me.”

“ Ike.” Anna shrugged. “So?”

“ Where is this young man?”

“ Why don’t you tell me?” Anna rose to her full five foot four height. “You seem to have all the answers, even to questions nobody’s asking.”

“ Keep a civil tongue in your head.” Allen snarled.

“ Or what?” Anna glared at her father. “You going to hit me? Like you did Ma? I don’t recommend it.”

“ Listen Anna Marie Tayler..” There was steel in his voice as he straighten and stared at her in mixed disbelief and rising fury.

“ McSwain.” Anna interrupted. “My name is Anna Marie McSwain now.”

“ Since when?”

“ Oh going on three and a half months now. That man that stays here, is my husband.” Anna lied smoothly, glaring at her father she shook her head and met him head on.

“ What’s he do?” Allen demanded after a few seconds of shocked, furious silence, his big hands knotted at his sides.

“ Uh Anna you got company.” Walker stuck his head in the door and waited for Anna to precede him. Watching her he waited until the man wearing a badge stopped next to them. “Ma’am.”

“ Hi Tom.”

“ Got a letter from the Territorial Marshall here, seems that there was something done in this part of the territory that fell under my jurisdiction. Your young fella was killed in the line of duty..” Tom started only to freeze when she nearly fainted. “You alright?”

“ Yes.” Anna whispered. “Thank you Tom. I appreciate this.”

“ No problem. Sorry about it though, I know y’all had plans.”

Smiling tearfully Anna leaned on Walker as he helped her settle onto the porch. “Was there anything else?”

“ No ma’am. Just thought you should know.”

“ Thanks Tom.” Walker said. “We appreciate your lettin’ us know.”

Nodding Tom glanced with disdain at Allen Tayler and whirled his horse to gallop off toward Capital City. Unlike the marshals of some of the other towns, he patrolled a large area because he was the only law until a body got into Rock Creek, but he knew that the Marshall from Rock Creek often sent his deputies where ever there was trouble. Shaking his head sadly he wondered why Allen was harassing his daughter, he didn’t like it but he was powerless to stop it.

Shaking at the news, Anna rocked on the porch as the tears came, gasping for breath between sobs she glanced at Walker. “Pack the wagon Walker.”

“ Where do you think you’re going?” Allen demanded and stepped back when his daughter rose and turned to stare coldly at him.

“ To honor my husband’s wishes.” Anna snarled. “And to get as far away from you as I can without taking a boat!” Storming past him she stomped inside and slammed the door leaving Walker shaking his head and Allen staring at the closed door in shock.

“ Well Mister Tayler, sir, looks like you really did it this time.” Walker declared rocking back on his heels, a slight grin twisting his lips. “Personally, I wouldn’t have risked what you’ve risked but what do I know I’m only a poor boy.”

“ Oh shut up and hitch up the wagon.” Allen snapped and walked toward the door only to pause when Walker spoke.

“ I wouldn’t. Knowing Anna she’s probably got a shotgun aimed right at the door.” Walker turned and headed for the barn, his steps light despite the risks he knew he was taking. His wife wouldn’t be too happy with the thought that he was bringing home a woman, much less one that was three months pregnant.

Hitching the team quickly he glanced back at the cabin to see Allen standing exactly where he’d left him, the look on his face one of mixed shock and pain at the thought that he’d driven his daughter away. Seeing Anna step out of the cabin he walked to meet her, taking the faded valise that she carried and setting it on the wagon seat before helping her aboard. “All set.”

“ All set.”

Standing on the porch of the cabin, Allen Tayler watched his only daughter drive away without looking back, her posture stiff and formal despite the fact that she was still crying softly. Feeling a sinking sensation in his gut, he wondered what he was thinking when he’d tried to force her into being the woman his late wife had been, obedient, docile even tolerant of his rants, and often of his beatings as well. Somehow Anna had turned out to be more inclined to hit back then take it and he’d learned early on that she’d inherited his temper and stubborn streak.

“ Goodbye,” He whispered on the slight breeze as the wagon disappeared down the road, and around the corner until he couldn’t see it anymore. Glancing around he sighed, the cabin had been well built, the barn was sturdy and in good shape, and he felt a tinge of pride. His daughter had accomplished more in her stay at this god forsaken station then any man would ever have expected, and yet he’d driven her away, driven her to move halfway across the country, taking his second chance with her and his hope that she’d forgive and forget drifted away on the wind before ever really taking wings.

“So where to?” Walker asked softly as Anna clutched her bag and stared straight ahead.

“ I don’t know. Ike and I talked about starting our own farm but we never decided where.” Anna hiccuped softly. “All I have is what’s in this bag Walker, I have no idea where to go from here.”

“ Well girl, looks like you’re going home with me then.” Walker said softly. “Emma’s going to have kittens but that can’t be helped. You need a woman ‘round for when that baby comes and I can’t leave her alone too long.”

“ Thanks Walker. Just give me a few days, then I’ll know what to do.” Anna whispered shakily as they drove along the worn trail headed for Missouri.

“ Yeah.” Walker glanced at her with a frown on his brow, “A few days is all you need.” Turning back to the road he sighed, he’d wager a good portion of income that Anna wouldn’t have any more of an idea what to do in a month, much less in a few days. With Anna it was all or nothing, she’d grieve the same way she loved, hard and forever. Clucking to the team he urged them into a lope and shook his head slightly, he’d promised her time, and that was what he’d give her.

Chapter Four

Sitting alone in the quiet of the barn Buck stared at the grey mare that even now, four months after Ike’s death still stood in a stall patiently awaiting someone to pay attention to her. Sighing he walked over and reached out to pat the mare, only too aware of how she could snap as she was prone to do. Feeling a slight shock when the mare instead nudged him gently and stood while he patted her, he closed his eyes as a fresh wave of pain hit him.

Despite the fact that the burial had gone well, and everyone had slowly started to live again, Buck didn’t feel he could. Something kept him mired in his grief, he wasn’t sure if it was guilt, or just anger at Ike for dying but he knew that it would be a long time before he could feel anything again.

Hearing someone coming Buck straightened and glanced up to see Rachel walk into the dark interior of the barn. “Buck.”

“ Something I can do for you?”

“ We need Ike’s trunk cleaned out..” Rachel started.

“ Why? There ain’t another rider coming in to replace him, Noah’s done that. Why do you need his trunk?” Buck snapped angrily.

“ Because it’s time. You can’t keep putting it off.” Rachel replied softly. “I know it hurts Buck, but he needs to be at peace, you keeping things like they were ain’t any good for either of you.”

Turning away from her Buck had to admit that she was right, only he was clinging to his memories, the others had moved on although he knew they still grieved, none understood the depths of the pain he felt. Standing there staring at the wall, he waited until Rachel had left then turned to the door, a single tear rolling down his face. Brushing it away he took a deep breath and nodded slightly, he’d clean out Ike’s trunk and put his things into his own. That way he’d still have Ike’s memories, and Rachel could have her damn trunk back.

Walking to the bunkhouse he opened the door and stepped into the interior, thankful that the others were still out fixing fence or something. Moving to the familiar bunks he pulled out a dust covered trunk and lifted the lid after brushing his hand lovingly over it.

Staring into the contents he sighed, a few clothes, the small wooden box that held his father’s watch, a couple of letters, and a small velvet pouch, were all that lay within the box. Reaching in he pulled out the clothes and set them beside him to go through later, then reached for the letters only to sit back when he recognized his name on one.

Pulling the letter open he sat on the floor, his back against the bunk and opened the crisp paper to reveal Ike’s familiar handwriting.

“Dear Buck; I know this is hard for you. Heck it’s hard for me, I’m dead! You’ve always been there for me, you’ve always been my friend, my brother and I’ve always known that I could trust you completely. I know you’ll never understand this request I’m about to make of you but I feel it’s my only choice. Please take care of Anna for me? She’s a hell of a woman, but even she needs a shoulder to cry on and a friend to talk to. I know Walker and his wife will be there for her but they can’t understand why she’d get involved with a man like me, I know you will.

Anna lived out at Tayler Station but I imagine that she’s already moved on if she knows I’m dead and the only place that I know of that she’d go would be Walker’s place. He lives in Missouri, twenty odd miles east of Saint Joe. I’ve never met his wife, but from what I’ve heard about her, she seems like a nice woman. Please Buck go and see her, take her the small black can that sits in the bottom of this wooden box and tell her I love her, always. Your friend Ike McSwain.”

Throughout life Ike had very rarely asked Buck for much, indeed he’d asked for so little that honor demanded he follow through on his friend request. Turning he dug through the box until he found the item that Ike had pointed out and lifted it out to set it on his lap, opening it he stared at the folded bills that lay there along with a ring, and a letter that Buck wondered if he should read but thought better of it.

“ Missouri’s a long way old boy.” Buck whispered softly. “I’ll leave tonight, that way I’ll be well on my way.” Turning he quickly emptied the trunk and transferred everything into his own before grabbing some clean clothes and filling his saddlebags for the journey he was going on.

Hearing someone coming Buck slammed the lids down and shoved them under the bunks before picking up the bags and heading for the door. Opening it he stepped past Kid and Lou who were on their way in.

“ Buck you staying..?” Lou asked as Buck disappeared into the barn and came back out a moment later with Ike’s grey as they’d dubbed her. “Looks like he’s gonna work with that monster.” Lou muttered with a frown at Kid. “I wonder when he’s gonna let himself start to heal?”

“ I doubt if he’s going to do that for a long time.” Kid replied softly. “ I don’t think he knows how to. Ike’s always been there for as far back as he wants to remember, now he’s gone.”

“ I know.” Lou shrugged. “I hope time is all he needs.”

Watching Buck groom the mare Kid wondered if Lou was right, something told him she wasn’t. Shaking his head he stepped inside, he had his own worries like getting ready for that run he was taking with Lou and avoiding the guys and their teasing.

Laying in the darkened bunkhouse Buck listened to everyone as they slid into a restful slumber, Kid and Lou had left hours ago and he needed to get out of here before everyone woke up and tried to stop him. Rising he padded barefoot out the door and stopped to put his boots on before heading for the barn.

Grabbing some tack he grabbed the first horse he came across and groaned but saddled her anyway, he’d probably have to walk part of the way to Missouri but he didn’t have time to deal with everyone and their questions.

Leading the mare out into the moonlight he mounted her agilely and turned her northwest before urging her into a fast jog. Pushing her once they were away from the house he let her run as they headed for the one place he’d sworn he’d go.

Pacing the mare he rode, Buck pulled up and dismounted, he’d been on the trail for three weeks now and was relaxed at least in body, even though he couldn’t of said where he was going really or when he’d get back. Glancing backwards he wondered what the boys were doing and if Kid and Lou had worked out their problems, but felt little emotional ties to them. While he loved his express family, he just didn’t have it in him to feel anything. Maybe this trip to Missouri was a good thing.

“ Well old girl. What do you think?”Buck asked softly. “We’re half a days hard ride out of Saint Joe, we could get in by dark then head for Walker’s place tomorrow morning.” The mare nickered in seemingly agreement and nudged Buck’s hand. Despite her reputation, the mare had proven to be a well trained horse once you got her away from the barns, corrals, and pens. Making a small fire he settled for a cup of coffee then doused the fire and mounted up and nudging the mare into a canter and heading for Saint Joe Missouri.

Riding into town he glanced around, it had grown since he’d been here last. There were more canvas houses along the east flank of the town, and the sound of hammers and men’s voices shouting filled the air as they worked to build stores, restaurants and such.

Pulling up in front of the only hotel in town that took express riders in, Buck dismounted grabbed his bedroll, saddlebags and headed inside. Renting a room was quick, and painless or as painless as it would ever be for him before he headed outside to take care of his horse.

Sitting in the relative quiet of the hotel room, Buck pulled out the small box that he’d carried since Rock Creek and stared at it for a few minutes before putting it back in his bags. Laying on his back on the bed, he wondered briefly if having a drink wouldn’t help ease some of his pain but thought better of it, he had enough on his plate without getting called a drunken Indian.

Closing his eyes Buck tried to sleep, even as the shadows crept across the floor leaving the room in total darkness. Despite his exhaustion from riding all day, his sleep was restless, leaving him more tired then rested the next morning, his dreams haunted of past days and the image of Ike’s lifeless body laying on the hard ground.

Dragging his tired body from the bed, Buck splashed water on his face and ran his hands through his hair before slapping his hat on and heading downstairs. After turning over the key to the room Buck stepped out into the early morning light and took a deep breathe of the cold, crisp, dewy morning air.

“ Morning.” The familiar voice had Buck turning to see the express office worker walking toward him. “You on a run there Buck?”

“ Nope. Heading out to see someone.” Buck replied quickly. “Just on my way to get my horse.”

“ See you around.” The man shuffled off, a paper tucked under one arm and his lunch pail in another. The express station shared it’s office with another business, so Buck didn’t pay too much attention to what the man was carrying, he had little or no interest in the man anyway.

Moving quickly to the livery, he saddled up and headed east to find Walker’s place. Letting the mare walk along he lost himself in the thoughts he’d pushed aside, even ignored from day one of this little side journey. What kind of woman was Anna Tayler? From what Ike had said of her in passing she didn’t seemed to be the kind of woman that ran from trouble, and yet she’d clearly hidden from him and the others.

Remembering the other man he had no problem picturing her as a shy, soft spoken young woman who looked rather plain, and liked to keep to herself. Buck shook his head, he’d find out what was what when the time came, no sense borrowing trouble before he was ready. Nudging the mare forward, he relaxed as she broke into a lope and they headed down the road.

Anna glanced up as Walker rode into her yard. He’d given her the foreman’s house, a small two room shack that sat half a mile from the main house, overlooking a pond, and from her back windows she could see the horses in the pasture behind his house as they grazed. She’d spent many evenings on the porch watching the sun set and listening to the sounds of summer fade into autumn.

“ Morning Anna.”

“ Morning Walker, what brings you out here?” Anna replied holding the door open for him.

Shaking his head, Walker ran a cursory glance over her. The once vibrant woman he’d known had faded to be replaced, by a pale, exhausted, image of her. Her long hair hung down her back in a thick braid, the dark strands looking in need of a good washing, her once vibrant blue eyes were haunted, and dark smudges lay under her eyes. Taking a deep breath Walker faced her head on, “The doc’s coming out in an hour. You’d best be ready and at the main house..”

“ Why?”

“ Because you’re eight months pregnant Anna and you’re suppose to have a checkup.”

“ He can come here.” Anna replied reaching for a cup to pour coffee in. Despite her emotional state, she maintained the house with fierce pride. No dust had accumulated on the cupboards, the floor was swept clean and the windows shone in the sun. Everything was in its place, and yet the place didn’t feel any warmer or lived in than it had the day she’d arrived.

“ No he can’t. Look we’re worried about you. Unless we ride herd on you, you don’t eat. You spend most nights pacing on the porch, and if you’re not doing that you’re hiding in the dark. You can’t keep this up Anna. Your baby needs you.”

“ I’m doing just fine without your opinion.” Anna snapped turning to face him. “I’ve been doing some thinking, and trying to decide on what to do is hard.”

“ For God’s sake Anna, he’s gone. Ike isn’t going to walk through that door and say well what’s the plan?” Walker snapped throwing his hands in the air. “I know you loved him, but you have a child to think of, and friends who care. You’ve got to let him go.”

“ Get out Walker.” Anna said moving to stare out the window. “I don’t need your opinion.”

“ Yes you do.” Walking moved closer to her he paused. “It’s okay to cry for him Anna, just don’t let your grief destroy both you and your child.” Turning he headed outside and mounted his horse before heading for the house.

“ You’re wrong Walker.” Anna whispered tearfully, “Very wrong. I can’t let him go, without him I don’t know if I can make it.” Patting her rounded abdomen she took a deep, shaky breath ignoring the tears pooling in her eyes and turned away from the window.

Sitting down in the comfortable rocker she leaned her head back and stared at the fireplace, “How do I let him go? I loved him so much.”

Hearing hoof beats she rose and swiped a hand across her face to move to the door intent on telling Walker to go to Hell. Opening the door and stepping out she froze, coming up the short walk was a tall, handsome man with flowing black hair, and coppery skin that told of his mixed blood. “Can I help you?” Anna asked quietly, woodenly as the man dusted himself off.

Glancing up at the sound of a woman’s voice Buck stared into the haunted blue gaze of a young woman with long dark hair, exhaustion sat upon her like a heavy burden, weighing her down as she moved, but it was her obvious pregnancy that had him pausing. “I’m looking for Anna Tayler. I was told she was out this way Ma’am.”

“ I’m Anna.” The woman moved forward with a disinterested shuffle. “What can I do for you, Mister?”

“ Cross, Buck Cross.” Buck offered his hand although he didn’t expect her to shake it. Feeling slightly surprised when she did, he released her hand quickly and reached for his saddlebags. “Miss Tayler..”

“ McSwain.” Anna said firmly. “I changed my name to McSwain.”

Feeling his heart jump Buck swallowed, “I uh, I’m sorry about Ike.” The electrical jolt that hit him making him more than a little uncomfortable, he’d felt nothing like it before, not even with his betrothed, and then with Katherine, there had been that tingle of awareness, of physical attraction but nothing like this and something told him this wasn’t just a physical attraction. Somehow this woman who’d been tied to Ike, who had seen a part of Ike that he’d rarely let show, meant disaster to him. She presented an emotional threat he didn’t want to face.

“ No more than I am Mister Cross. Please come in.” Turning she made her way back inside. “I’m afraid I’ve only got black coffee.”

“ Thanks, that’ll be fine.” Buck settled into a chair, a glance around memorizing the sparseness of the room, it was clean and organized but it didn’t feel like home. Or at least it didn’t to him and he sighed, maybe it was his problem that he couldn’t feel anything.

“ What can I do for Mister Cross?”

“ I have some things here that Ike wanted you to have.” Buck replied carefully avoiding looking at her as he dug into his saddlebags for the small box that he’d carried for over a thousand miles. “I realize of course that my arrival has probably put a damper on your new life..”

“ What new life?” Anna asked sitting down.

“ With your baby’s father, here.”

Taking a deep breath Anna faced Buck Cross and raised her chin stubbornly. “My baby’s father is dead. He was killed months ago near Capital City in the line of duty as a deputy Mister Cross. You should know, I have it on good authority that the deputies from Rock Creek were there.”

“ Ike?” Buck whispered suddenly feeling an oppressive weight settle on his chest as realization dawned. The only deputy from Rock Creek that had died that day had been his best friend. “He didn’t know did he?”

“ No. I’d only found out myself.” Anna replied quietly pain etched into her features making her look years older and more tired than she already did. “I loved Ike Mister Cross, and I love this child. I see nothing wrong with that.”

“ There’s no shame in loving someone.” Buck replied. “However it does put into a new light several things that I’m not sure you’re aware of.”

“ Such as?” Anna said staring at the young man.

“ Such as I’m Ike’s best friend, his brother; I gave him my word that I’d watch out for you. I mean to keep my word ma’am.”

“ Call me Anna.”

“ If that means staying here until you’ve decided what you’re going to do then so be it.” Buck rose and retrieved the coffee pot.

“ You don’t need to stay Mister Cross, I’m capable of taking care of me and my child..”

“ Your child is all that’s left of Ike.” Buck replied quickly. “I’m not going to turn my back on him or her, not even for you.” Taking a deep breath he faced her squarely. “I think in your best interest you should get used to the idea of having me around and underfoot cause I’m not going anywhere.”

“ Now wait one minute..” Anna stammered rising angrily, the flush coming up her face the only color in an otherwise pale portrait.

“ You think on it. I’d best see to my horse.” Rising Buck turned toward the door, with his hand on the handle he glanced at her. “Get used to seeing me around.” Stepping out he noted the young man riding toward the house and sighed.

“ Is there something I can do for you?” The man demanded harshly without dismounting, his hand resting on his gun at his hip.

“ You Walker?”

“ Yeah, who the hell are you?”

“ Buck Cross.”

“ Ike mentioned you. What can I do for you Mister Cross?”

“ I’ll be staying here with Miss McSwain so if you can arrange for the doctor to come see her I’d appreciate it.”

“ Doc’s at the house. I’ll send him down.”

“ Damn you Walker, I told you..” Anna snarled from where she stood on the doorstep.

“ I’ve got things to do Anna, take care.” Whirling his horse he galloped off toward the house, leaving her standing fuming at the men’s high handedness.

Glancing at Buck Cross she swore under her breath, that would be the day that someone came in and made her decisions for her. Turning she stomped back into the house and down the short corridor to her bedroom where she slammed the door and lay down on the bed to cry into her pillow.

Anna rolled over and pulled her pillow over top her head, trying to block out the sound of a hammer in the near vicinity. Opening her eyes she stared at the rising sun and sighed, “Damn. Who the heck is building at this hour?” Struggling out of bed she padded barefoot to the front door and peered out.

The man who’d shown up the day before was standing next to the broken section of fence on the pen that should have housed her horses, a stack of new boards next to him, and a hammer in his hand.

“ Do you mind?” Anna hollered. “There are people trying to sleep around here.”

“ Not anymore there aren’t. Its past dawn, time to get up. There are chores to do.” Buck replied without shifting his gaze from the fence he was fixing. Her silence the night before at dinner and her belligerent attitude all afternoon had given him a new understanding of the word frustration, in fact he’d decided that she was worse than Lou at her best.

“ Go to hell.” Anna snapped and slammed the door. Stomping down the hall to her bedroom she slammed that door and crawled back into bed, she’d be hanged if some man was going to tell her it was time to get out of bed. Jumping she stifled a shriek when Buck appeared in the doorway with a shirt, socks, and a dark colored skirt. “This is my bedroom..” She started furiously.

“ Tough. Get dressed, or I’ll do it for you.” Buck snapped tossing the clothes on the bed. When she folded her arms over her chest and glared at him he took a couple of steps closer, “I mean it.”

Grabbing the clothes, Anna held them up like a shield and glared at him. “Fine I’ll be out in five minutes.”

“ Make it two.” Buck said slamming the door, a dark look on his face as he stalked back outside to the fence.

Half an hour later, with Anna holding one end of the boards and Buck nailing them into place they had the pens fixed to perfection and had paused to check out the horse shelter. “Looks like it’ll stand another couple of months.” Anna muttered.

“ Yeah but it should stand at least another few years.” Buck declared. “We’ll have a bite to eat then get it fixed. I’ve fixed sandwiches so grab one and start eating. I want to finish that shelter before dark.”

Staring at him furiously, Anna grabbed a sandwich and settled on the ground to eat it in silence, her mind working feverishly to find a way to get rid of the annoyance that had claimed her living room floor.

“ Where’d you meet him?” Buck asked glancing at her to see her staring furiously at him.

“ On a run. He stopped in at my station to get a fresh horse.” Anna replied intuitively knowing who he was talking about. “Scared the daylights out of me.”

“ Why?”

“ Cause of what he made me feel.” Anna shrugged. “ He made me feel alive and cold then hot.” With an uneasy glance at her new bunkmate she smiled slightly. “Funny, even after I got to know him it was always like that. We always had something to talk about, something to share.”

“ Yeah.” Buck sighed. “Ike was always drawing or writing in that journal of his. Funny but it seemed like he needed to put everything down so that it was solid, unerasable.”

“ Maybe he knew he didn’t have a long time.” Anna mused softly. “Maybe he knew that he could die at anytime and wanted to leave a lasting impression.”

“ Maybe.” Buck glanced away from the perception in her eyes and stared at the lean-to that he’d decided to rebuild to keep her busy. “Sitting here ain’t getting that shelter fixed. Come on, there’s still lots of daylight left and a building to finish.”

“ Slavedriver.” Anna muttered under her breath.

“ You haven’t got a clue.” Buck replied helping her up before moving away from her to pick up the hammer and hand it to her. “Start knocking boards off.”

“ Do you not realize I’m pregnant?”

“ Pregnant yes, handicapped no. Best get those boards off.” Buck replied walking past her with an evil little grin at her fury. “Save the temper for someone who’ll run from it. I’ve dealt with a woman who’s got just as much of a temper as you do, and I’m not scared.”

“ Go to hell Cross.” Anna snapped and hefted the hammer only to have it jerked from her hands and tossed on the ground. Staring into the furious black gaze, Anna felt her heart jerk and stumbled backwards. Something about this man sent warning signals to her brain. He could disrupt her self-pity and make her live again. Despite his quiet tones, and even manner he was dangerous, not just to her self-induced misery but to her whole world.

“ Move.” Buck snarled facing down against her. He could sense another pair of eyes watching them and knew that Walker was only a shout away yet he didn’t feel threatened by the other man. In fact the only person who bothered him was the impossible woman in front of him who refused to start thinking about living again.

“ I really don’t like you.” Anna snapped and stepped past him with her chin in the air.

“ Good. The feeling’s mutual now get to work.” Buck snapped and stood watching her do as he’d instructed. Deep down he knew that it was the only way she’d face the fact that Ike was gone, but it wasn’t his death she was trying to hide from, it was living. The growing realization that she was dangerous to him, to his peace of mind and to his memory of Ike tugged at his mind, making him surly and unresponsive to the silent looks of pleading she sent him. Shaking his head he walked over to where she stood pulling boards off and tossing them helter-skelter in anger.

“ They should be neatly organized Anna, we have to reuse some of them.” Buck laughed at her outraged expression and picked up a hammer. “Come on I’ll help.”

“ I really don’t like you Buck Cross.” Anna’s reminder brought a grin to his face as they worked the afternoon away.

Chapter Five

Laying on the floor of the house Buck listened to the wind outside as it blew the branches of a tree against the windows. Shifting he stared up at the ceiling, his hands crossed beneath his head and focused on the softer sound in the background, one that was as familiar to him as the back of his hand.

Anna lay behind the bedroom door crying softly into her pillow, too tired to do more than that as she mourned the loss of her baby’s father and the man she’d loved dearly. Fighting the urge to rise and go to her Buck sighed, keeping an eye on her was harder than he’d thought. Despite his best attempts he had developed a fondness for the stubborn beauty who could swear just as badly as the men, and had thrown herself into the farms chores in a hopes that they would keep her from thinking of a man who’d been lost to her.

Frowning slightly, Buck wondered how he’d never guessed, never realized that Ike’s secret was a woman somewhere. He’d seen his friend get very nervous and anxious when the Wolfsburg, Capital City run came round. In fact he’d been assigned it once, and Ike had traded him for a shorter, routine run with an almost insane urgency.

“ Why didn’t you tell me?” Buck whispered to the darkness, “Why didn’t you let us into that part of your life?” Not getting an answer from the night he closed his eyes as Anna’s quiet sobs faded to hiccupy breathing, her soft voice murmuring incoherently in her sleep as exhaustion claimed her.

Cursing Buck stretched under the blankets and closed his eyes, he pushed Anna as hard as he pushed himself, and yet there never seemed to be enough time to exhaust himself. Knowing it would be another half hour or so before he could finally claim sleep he kicked off the covers and padded barefoot to the stove. After stoking it, he sat down at the table and stared out at the twinkling stars, his mind on his friend.

Ike had been there for him from that day in that tiny town’s main street when he’d jumped into a fight that wasn’t his own, when he had taken a beating that wasn’t his own. They’d faced hatred, indifference, suspicion, and anger together. Ike had pulled him from his own self loathing slowly, unconsciously until they had become one unit, one wasn’t far from the other and now Ike was gone.

He’d left his own legacy behind him, he’d known in his own way that he didn’t have a lot of time left in this world and had made a mark as big as his heart had been. The quiet man had said more in the time that he’d been alive then Buck would ever be able to, he’d made him face that he wasn’t just a dirty Indian, he was a man and he needed to deal with the prejudices that haunted him. Ike had gave him his life, allowed him to be the kind of man he wanted to be not what strangers made him into.

“ Why’d you have to leave?” Buck whispered softly, not caring that he was alone in the room, nor that his face was wet with tears he hadn’t shed in weeks, months, their cleansing wetness helping to ease the hurt he lived with.

Heading back to his bedroll he frowned slightly then turned his attention to his saddlebags, digging into them he pulled out a leather bound book that he’d ignored for months. Staring down at it in the muted light of the moon he sighed and brushed a hand across it. He debated opening it, after all it was a private thing, Ike’s journal. A means of expressing himself when he couldn’t talk to anyone about a problem, a way of leaving a mark on history.

Buck stared at it for a few minutes then settled on the floor next to the only lantern that still sat lit incase Anna needed to get up in the night. Turning the flame up he opened the book and started reading. The first few pages were about the first days with Buck at the Mission School, then they moved on to tell the story of Buck and Ike from his point of view until they got to Sweetwater then it spoke of the excitement and fear he’d felt when they’d joined up.

Reading through it Buck smiled often, laughing slightly in some places until he came to an entry that had his breath catching. It was dated for a few weeks after they’d joined, on Ike’s first ride to Wolfsburg. Reading the lines crowded close together as though to crowd each emotion, each heart beat into the lines Buck suddenly got a glimpse into the workings of his friend’s mind. Each line spoke of a meeting at a station of a boy and a girl, and the easy rapport they’d developed that first meeting.

Flipping through pages Buck skimmed the entries, skipping ones about everyone but Anna until he came to a date he could still remember clearly. It was the day after they’d ridden into Whitethorn Falls, and the entry was longer than the others. Seeing Anna’s name on it he sighed, should he read this particular entry? Should he intrude on what was obviously a very private time for Ike? Somehow he thought the words written closely together would give him some insight into the relationship that had meant so much to Ike and to the woman sleeping a few feet away behind a wooden door.

Deciding hesitantly that reading it wouldn’t hurt anyone Buck settled back against the wood box he’d been leaning on and turned his attention to the book in his hands. Reading it Buck frowned at the way Ike described meeting Anna that night they’d rode in, and the surprise he’d felt seeing the woman he’d fantasized about for weeks standing in little more than her own skin in that room he’d walked into. As he read, Buck shifted trying to shake the unease he felt at the words on the pages, his body tightening as Ike spoke of the first time he and Anna made love and the hopes and dreams he’d had for them.

I hope that this is only the beginning, that when we can we’ll get married and I can live with her happily, as happily as Lou and Kid will when they quit acting like a pair of jackasses. Ike wrote, I love her so much. Many would say it’s just cause she gave me her body but it’s not that. I couldn’t have taken what she offered unless I loved her. I think I’ve loved her forever and yet somehow I doubt that we’ll have the lifetime I want. Sometimes in my dreams I see ends of things and I‘ve seen the end of our time together. I know that Anna’ll be devastated by the loss if anything happens to me but I can’t bring myself to tell her that I doubt I’ve all that much time left in this life.

I can’t shake the feeling that something or someone is out there to stop what I want. I’ve never really thought of it but I know that if anything happened to me I can trust Buck, he’s the other half of my soul, as comfortable in my skin as I am and he’d do anything to protect Anna. I know I can trust him, and I do. More importantly I hope that Anna when she meets him will trust him to. Buck never backs down from a promise and if he says he’ll do something, he’ll try his hardest.

Staring at the words, Buck felt a shiver trace up his spine. Ike had so much confidence in him, so many times he’d doubted himself but he’d never wavered in his faith of him. Closing the book he set it aside and shifted down till he was laying flat on his back to stare at the ceiling again. Ike has so much faith in other people, in their abilities and yet it was scary to think that Ike knew that he’d leave this world before Buck. Sighing Buck rolled over and closed his eyes against the burning at the back of them, he didn’t want to cry anymore, he didn’t want to hurt for the loss that had been suffered. The life snuffed out too soon before he’d really had a chance to live, had a chance to know that he’d left more than a girl mourning him, he’d left a child, a new life that Buck had to protect no matter what the cost.

Seeing the light from under her door Anna stared at it and listened as Buck sat reading something, sadness touched her heart as she wondered just what it was. Snuggling down into the covers she sighed and closed her eyes, tired of hurting, of everything that meant she was alone.

“ But you’re not alone now!” The soft voice inside her head spoke into the night. “You’re never going to be alone again.”

“ Yes I will.” Anna thought. “Sooner or later he’ll get tired of playing guardian angel and leave.”

“ He might leave, but he’ll be back. Let yourself heal Anna, don’t be afraid of living again.”

“ Oh shut up.” Anna snapped in her mind. “I don’t want to talk to myself, I have to get up early in the morning.”

“ Don’t be afraid Anna of feeling again, living again. Its time to let yourself out of that box you’ve nailed yourself into.”

Pulling a pillow over her head she tried to drown out the voice in her mind and prayed for sleep. She didn’t need to start living again, she only wanted to be left alone to raise her child. Shaking the image of a tall, dark haired young man from her imagination she blanked out any thoughts and quickly slid back into a restless sleep filled with images that scared her. Images of a man she was coming to know doing things that she had never thought he’d get the chance to do, in a place that wasn’t where they were.