A Shattered Darkness

by Destardi.

Chapter Six

Sitting in the late afternoon sun, Buck watched the few chickens peck at the scraps in the yard and sighed. In the three months that he’d been here he’d watched Anna slowly start to rebuild her life, not by choice but by necessity. With Walker, Emma, Doc Harper, and himself pushing at her she’d slowly started the long road to recovery. Many nights he could still hear her crying in her pillow but now with the birth of her son, Isaac, two months before; she had less time to dwell on Ike’s death; a somewhat double edged sword in his opinion. He often wondered if he should give her the journal he’d read from cover to cover and discovered that Ike had loved her so much that he’d have given anything to be with her, including his life. Feeling a touch of sorrow at the thought of the journal he sighed, he couldn’t give it to her. He couldn’t part with that piece of Ike just yet.

For himself the months had been spent in misery, guilt clawing at him as he lay under the same roof as her. The anger and distrust that he’d felt when he’d first met her had slowly been eroded to be replaced by a more tolerant emotion, then that shifted and now he couldn’t think of her without wanting her, without needing her in his arms, thoughts of her haunted his dreams at night, making for the darkness to be as welcome as an abscessed tooth.

The little things she did were imprinted in his mind, he knew how she moved, how she slept, how she brushed her hair and it was slowly driving him insane. He’d promised to watch over her and instead he was falling for her. Shaking his head at that thought he sighed, he’d already fallen and fallen hard. He could see forever when he looked at her, see having more kids, being wrapped around her in the darkness was a fantasy that was all too easy to picture for him. A fact that made staying impossible.

A glance behind him revealed the woman in question as she rocked her child on the porch. The tiny little boy was what held her here, without her son, Buck doubted if she’d have remained here as long as she had. He wondered what she’d say if he told her that he loved her, would she smile and say that was a good thing cause she loved him to, or would she accuse him of betraying a trust that had been given by his best friend? Would she welcome the thought of loving him with less guilt and fear than he himself faced at those thoughts? Despite the fact that her son was of Ike’s blood, he’d come to think of him as his own son. A child that he could love unconditionally, without having to put on a face or hide his emotions from.

Smiling at the thought of the boy, he did have to admit that Isaac looked very much like his father. He was quiet, often not crying for hours and yet he seemed to watch everything with a deep interest and a sacred knowledge that had often times amazed Buck.

Turning away from mother and child he faced west again and sighed, soon he’d leave if only to get his thoughts in order. He couldn’t stay when he was falling further in love with Ike’s girl each day, he couldn’t betray him like that.

“ You look lost in thought.” Walker’s voice had him glancing at the other man as he took a seat beside him on the fence.

“ Just trying to think where to go from here.” Buck replied, he’d often thought over the past weeks that Walker could see that he’d become emotionally attached to Anna and Isaac.

“ Nobody said you couldn’t love her.” Walker said softly, and seeing the other man flinch he smiled softly. Despite the intense dislike that these two shared at the beginning they’d fast became friends. Thinking back to when Isaac had been born, Walker smiled softly. He’d taken Emma into town that morning to see the seamstress about a job for over the winter months, leaving Buck with Anna feeling secure in the knowledge that although they might yell at each other, she was safer with him than any man he knew.

They’d driven into the yard just after dusk to find the main house dark, and Anna’s shack lit only by one small lantern. Feeling slightly apprehensive Walker had walked down to the shack to hear Anna cursing Buck like crazy and Buck yelling right back at her to push or he was going to throw her in the pond. Minutes later Isaac’s first cries were a welcome sound to him as he turned to walk back to his comfortable bed his impressions right.

“ She’s Ike’s girl, always will be.” Buck replied tightlipped, voicing his fear without really admitting it.

“ Was.” Walker replied softly. “She was Ike’s girl. And yes she did love him, but ain’t no law that says she can’t love again.”

“ What do you want?” Buck glanced at the other man with a frown, his unease at the topic of conversation clear in both his body and his tone.

“ You to take her home.”

“ Anna said this is her home.”

“ The Rocking T is her home, she needs to see her Pa. She also needs to see where Ike’s buried.”

“ You mean drag her kicking and screaming all the way back to Nebraska Territory, and it this close to war?”

“ You’d die for her, so yes. I see nothing wrong in my request.”

“ Only it’s a fool’s errand. Anna won’t go.”

“ Yes she will.” Walker smiled. “Convince her it’s a good idea. I’m going home to my wife.”

Watching him go Buck swore, he didn’t want to spend a month alone with Anna McSwain. He didn’t want to fall even further in love with a woman who still called out another man’s name in her sleep. And he didn’t want to care for her child, a child that was the only physical reminder of a man who’d loved fiercely and deeply.

“ What did he want?” Anna asked leaning on the fence next to Buck. Dressed in her skirts she rarely if ever climbed up the fence, and she wasn’t going to do it in front of the handsome man she shared a house with.

“ Nothing much. Thinks you should go see your folks.”

“ What were you so lost in thought over?” Anna asked instead of replying, she knew it as impossible. Going home only meant admitting defeat.

“ I’ve got to ride out for a few days. I’ve got to go home.”

“ For how long?” Anna asked glancing at him. Seeing the unease in his eyes she sighed, he looked as confused as she felt. She didn’t want to him to leave and yet, a part of her wanted to have the peace that his departure would bring.

Staring at his hands, Buck glanced up at the fading light before turning to her. “I don’t know. Until I can come to terms with things.”

Anna stared at him for a few minutes, too long for his comfort and he began to wonder if she was going to press for details. “I never thanked you.”

“ For what?” Buck asked thankful that she hadn’t pressed him.

“ Being Ike’s friend, being my friend. If you hadn’t bullied me along who knows where I’d have ended up.”

“ Probably the same place you’re at now, only a little more time would have been the key ingredient. You’ve got Isaac, you don’t need me.”

Smiling sadly Anna shook her head. “I do need a friend, and that’s what you’ve been. Granted it started off rocky. I wasn’t keen on how you just moved right in, but I think it’s all worked out well.”

“ Thanks aren’t necessary. I should thank you. Because of you a piece of Ike will always be here, always be alive.” He spoke softly, not wanting to scare her and yet needing to make her understand what he himself didn’t.

“ When are you leaving?” Anna asked dodging the point he was trying to make.

“ First light.”

“ Alright.” Nodding Anna pushed away from the fence and turned back to the cabin. “Good luck Buck.” She reached out to touch him but let her hand fall without making contact, too many times she’d longed to touch him and something had stopped her. Now there was no point to touching him, he was leaving and she was alone again, something she had wanted to be at one time if only to prove herself, but now she knew she could survive on her own it didn’t ease the ache that she pushed aside at the thought of his leaving.

Nodding Buck let her walk away, his secret unrevealed, his guilt still firmly in place. Sitting watching the sun finish setting, Buck shivered, he felt more alone than he’d ever felt in his life and no amount of platitudes were going to change that. They couldn’t, he was leaving the only woman he’d ever really loved, one who mirrored his own pain and yet had learned to live with it. Long after the sun sat, and darkness had fallen he sat on the top railing, uncaring, unaware of the lights in the cabin window until he gave up and headed for the barn to prepare for his journey back to Rock Creek and to the pony express.

Taking the grey he’d ridden in on, Buck rode out an hour before sunrise. Pausing on the road he glanced behind him, the cabin sat in darkness, Anna and Isaac still slept soundly in their room, only a small fire warmed the interior of the cabin, a glance up the hill revealed the main house sitting cold and dark. Shaking his head, Buck silently bid them goodbye and turned his horse southwest before kicking her into a gallop and heading for Rock Creek.

Making camp that night, Buck stared at the stars in the sky and pulled his blankets up a little higher under his chin. With a sigh he tried to avoid thinking of the young woman who’d gotten past his defenses, who’d made him feel again. She was a spitfire, in fact she had a temper that rivaled anyone he knew but she was smart to. He’d gotten into the habit of watching her first thing in the morning with her hair down, her body relaxed as she sat in the rocker in the sun and nursed Isaac. For the first time in his life, he could understand why a man would want to watch his wife nurse their babe, why he’d even want children. And that had scared him, he’d sworn never to get too attached to any woman, after all every woman he’d cared about had abandoned him in some way so why would this one, who’s heart belonged to another man be any different?

“ Damn it. Why did you have to ask me to do this Ike? Why couldn’t you have asked me anything else? I’d have done it gladly, but even you shouldn’t have asked me to put my heart on the line again.” Swearing softly Buck shook his head furiously, “You didn’t. I’m so sorry Ike, I never wanted any of this to happen.” Turning over he stared into the flames for a few seconds then closed his eyes, a deep, almost crushing ache in his chest told him that he’d just began to suffer.

Pushing the mare, he avoided the main road instead sticking to back trails and goat paths that no one had used in years before he pulled up two weeks later in front of a familiar building and stared at the windmill, the barn, bunkhouse and farmhouse that he’d called home for the first months of the express.

“ Well girl, we’ve only got a thousand miles to go.” He patted the mare on the neck and urged her into a gallop, heading home despite the pull at his heart and his conscience to return to Anna and Isaac.

Glancing up sharply at the sound of hoof beats Lou frowned before turning to holler, “Rider coming!”

Moving to watch the incoming rider the boys frowned as Rachel joined them, “There isn’t a run on schedule.”

“ It’s Buck.” Kid said squinting into the sun. “Looks like he’s coming back from wherever the hell he disappeared to.”

“ Good. I’m tired of doing his share of work.” Cody replied and headed for the bunkhouse to grab some lunch. “You guys coming?”

“ Yeah, in a minute.” Jimmy replied watching the half-blood pull up and swing down out of the saddle and start unsaddling. “Glad to see you found your way home.”

“ Wasn’t lost.” Buck replied curtly.

“ Boys, go eat.” Rachel warned softly seeing how tense Buck was she didn’t think that he wanted to be quizzed on where he’d been.

“ But Rachel..” Lou glanced at her with a slight frown.

“ Now. Buck ain’t going anywhere.” Rachel replied quickly, “Go on with you.”

With a grateful glance at her Buck stripped the mare down, tossed the saddle over the fence and led the mare into the corral a moment before he slapped her on the rump and turned her loose to roll in the dirt.

“ That mare’s come a fair piece.” Rachel commented watching the mare shuffle off to lay down and roll happily, exhaustion in every line of her body, the same as her rider’s.

“ More miles than you want to know.” Buck replied quietly, thoughtfully. “And each a little harder than the one before.”

“ Good to see you Buck. Wash up then come in for lunch.”

“ Already ate.” Buck muttered and headed for the barn. “I’ll get started on patching that wall.”

“ Buck.” Rachel protested quickly. “That’s Cody’s chore.” She watched him as he kept walking he’d lost weight and there seemed to be something bothering him, some weight she couldn’t imagine holding him down.

“ You wait for him, you’re likely to see the whole barn come down around your ears.” Buck replied quickly and disappeared into the cool interior. Studying the wall he began to pull out the boards that would need to be replaced, tossing the ones that shortened would still be usable somewhere into a pile and the boards that were useless into a pile for wood he tried to stem the memories, and the uneasy feeling that he’d made a very big mistake.

Hours later he stopped working, the pounding of nails echoing in his head and a heavy exhaustion clung to his body making him hopeful for a full night of sleep, one that would be dreamless and thus painless.

Glancing over his shoulder he shook his head. “If you’re just going to stand there you could help.” He muttered.

“ And interrupt your fun?” Kid shrugged. “I don’t think so. Besides everyone’s more interested in what you’re doing out here slaving away than fixing that wall.”

“ What I’m doing?” Buck laughed shortly, humorlessly. “Looks like I’m fixing a wall.”

“ Looks to me like you’re trying to outrun something.” Kid said pushing away from the doorway. “Want to talk about it?”

“ Not particularly.”

“ Didn’t figure you would.” Kid replied stripping down to bare skin to grab a board and hold it in place for Buck to nail in. “If you do want to talk though..”

“ You’ll be the first person I come to.” Buck replied calmly although he knew that wouldn’t be anytime soon. He already felt bad enough as it was without dragging others into his misery. Working with Kid they had the hole in the barn patched in no time.

“ Looks good. Better than new.” Kid nodded approvingly. “Guess that’s done. It’s back to fixing fences tomorrow.”

“ Good.” Buck declared. “Nothing wrong with fixing fences, it’s mindless work.” Walking past a startled Kid he ignored the other man’s stare to head for a shower before he hit the sack, hoping against hope that there wouldn’t be any dreams tonight. That he wouldn’t dream of just how badly he’d wanted another man’s woman and especially of how much it hurt to want her.

Walking through the waist high wheat Buck glanced around, he wasn’t supposed to be here. He’d left Anna and Isaac back in Missouri - hadn’t he? Hearing a sound he glanced behind him and felt his body go on high alert. Walking toward him in that faded gingham that she’d worn most of the time was a familiar woman with long dark hair, blue eyes that sparkled with her laughter.

“ What are you looking at?” She whispered stopping next to him.

“ You.” Buck croaked his heart pounding at the open invitation in her eyes.

“ Ain’t much to look at that you ain’t already seen.” Her voice held an undercurrent of knowledge and tenderness he’d only heard once before.

“ There’s always more to see.” He whispered pulling her willingly into his arms and turning back to the wheat field. “Pretty soon it’s time for harvesting this years crop. Should be a good one.”

“ Of course.” Anna turned in his arms and smiled happily at him. “Come with me.”

“ Where to?” Buck asked as she led him back toward the house, seeing her smile he felt the punch right in his gut as she led him up the steps of a small, white clapboard house and through the doors. Following her down the hall Buck knew he was in deep trouble when she checked on Isaac who slept soundly in his room, his baby face relaxed in sleep, a happy smile on his little face.

Hearing the click of the bedroom door Buck glanced around trying to remember why he shouldn’t be here but finding that the woman, warm and willing in his arms was too much a distraction from his thoughts he let her take the lead, removing his clothes with a finesse and skill acquired from habit.

As the sunlight faded from the room, he lay with her on their bed and made love until all he could feel all he could see was Anna in his arms, under him as he moved over her, in her until they climaxed together and slid into a deep sleep.

Waking later, he could tell it was close to dawn and yet something, something he woke him. Rising from the bed he walked to the door and opened it, a glance behind him revealed Anna sleeping in bed her long hair spilling over the white pillows. Stepping through the door he froze, instead of the hallway that he’d grown familiar with he stood on rocky ground, surrounded by wide open spaces and a dark chill in his blood.

Glancing around he froze, this was a dark place, a place where souls were stolen. Seeing a man laying on the ground he moved slowly toward it and froze, the name dying on his lips before it had been given life.

“ No!” Moving closer he rolled over the familiar figure and stare down into the lifeless face of his best friend. “No. Please this has to be some bad dream..” He whispered tearfully.

“ It’s not.” The unfamiliar yet familiar voice had him glancing around as dread began to fill the holes left by the agony of his friends death. “I asked you to watch over her, to protect her and what do you do? You steal her away from me. You betray me!” The fury in the words seemed to swell up around him, clutching at his hair and flesh until all he felt was their assault on his body tearing him to shreds.

“ I didn’t.” Buck whispered. “Ike I swear I didn’t..”

“ You did.” Like some evil spirit rising from the ground the flames of his guilt rose up around him and started to close in, burning him, stealing his breath and taking what little peace he’d found and tearing it to shreds.... Jerking awake Buck sat up and glanced around.

The boys and Lou still slept on, lost in their own dreams of happy days. Slipping soundlessly from the bunk he’d reclaimed Buck stepped outside after grabbing his pants and pulling them on. Standing in the cold winter air of Nebraska, he shivered as the cold temperature froze the sweat soaking his body and watched the light snow that began to fall and shivered yet he couldn’t bring himself to seek solace in sleep again. Just as it had every night that he’d been gone the dream would haunt him until he wouldn’t be able to sleep until all he wanted was to run from it.

Dragging a hand through his hair he glanced heavenward and sighed, “I’m so sorry Ike. I really am. I didn’t want to fall in love, especially not with her.” Not getting an answer, not really expecting one Buck headed for the barn maybe he could find something to do that wouldn’t wake everyone up.

Chapter Seven

Sitting in Walker’s kitchen Anna laughed at Isaac’s antics, the pain she’d felt waking to find Buck gone had briefly overshadowed the still haunting pain of Ike’s death but as the days wore on, the latter faded to be replaced by a hurt that came from not hearing from the man she now had to admit she missed, a man she’d grown used to having around her.

“ How long’s he been gone?” Emma asked softly seeing how Anna’s eyes reflected the dismay and curiosity that she’d exhibited from the day Buck had left.

“ Three months. He left the end of September.”

“ And it’s nearly Christmas.” Emma shook her head. “You could write to him.”

“ Why? He doesn’t want to have anything..”

“ I think he wants to have more to do with you than you realize.” Emma interrupted softly. “But I think maybe he’s feeling guilty about it. I mean he did promise to watch over you for his best friend, he didn’t promise to fall in love. Guilt is a burdensome emotion at times Anna, you should know that.”

“ Perhaps.” Rising Anna walked over to the window to gaze out at the snow covered ground. The temperature was below twenty but it was no colder than what she felt inside. “I never thought I could care about him Emma. I tried so hard not to, I didn’t want him to be a friend. I wanted indifference, calculated emotion that would let me keep my heart from breaking again.”

“ But?”

“ The longer he stayed, the more he was there.” Turning to face her friend she shrugged. “I got used to seeing him, hearing him breathe in the next room. I found myself enjoying his company and now that he’s gone, I must admit I do miss him.”

“ Then go see him. Tell him. You’ve clung to Ike’s ghost for so long, how do you think he’d feel if he knew that you were throwing away a chance at living again?”

“ He’d be madder than a wet hen.” Anna laughed softly. “How can I just abandon you two to things around here? Granted I could pay for my stay here, but you need the extra pair of hands that can help with the place..”

“ I need you to be happy.” Emma replied quietly.

Turning from her, Anna stared out at the coldness of a winters day and shivered slightly. “You’re right. I should go home.” Glancing at her son she sighed. “I should face what my life’s become. I can’t keep running from things, Ike’s dead. Wishing isn’t going to bring him back, and my friendship with Buck is important to me.”

“ Than go home and face things. Face your Father and your brothers, then you’ll be free.”

“ Not quite.” Anna whispered and took a calming breath at the thought of facing her family again. “But it’s a step in the right direction. I’ll leave on the first stage going southwest.”

“ Good girl. Now then you can help me with this evening’s dinner. After all we’ve got a zillion guests coming for supper and I can use your help, especially with the dishes.” Emma laughed at Anna’s put upon look and rose from the table to head for the kitchen, her burgeoning belly evidence of her late pregnancy.

Laughing softly at the other woman Anna turned for a quick glance back at the winter landscape and nodded. “You’re right. I need to go back.”

Laying in bed that night Anna stared at the ceiling and sighed, as usual she felt tired after a long days work but something kept her awake tonight, some unseen need that called at her soul refused to let her sleep. Rolling over she listened to the wind around the cabin and the even tone of her son’s sleeping.

Feeling a draft despite there being no window open she glanced around and closed her eyes, only to open them when something touched her. Sitting up in bed she glanced around, “Now I’m losing my mind.”

“ No you’re not.” The laughing voice was familiar although she couldn’t of said where she heard it before.

“ I’m not?”

“ No Love, you’re not losing your mind.” Like a wisp of smoke the figure seemed to materialize right next to the bed into a very dear, very familiar man she’d never expected to see.

“ Oh my god.” Anna whispered moving backwards across the bed.

“ Easy Anna, I’m not here to hurt you.”

“ Why are you here?” Anna demanded quickly. “What am I saying? Now I’m talking to a ghost, only there aren’t such things as ghosts.”

Laughing softly Ike watched her struggle for a moment before he settled on the bed next to her and stared at the wall for a split second. “It’s good that you’ve found love again..” He started.

“ Ike I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to, I never wanted to feel like this again.”

“ Don’t be. I knew Buck would protect you, and I think its wonderful that you’ve shown him he can care again as well. It saddens me though that you’re so far apart.”

“ Blame that fool. He’s the one that walked away.” Anna waved her hand.

“ Guilt drove him away. He feels like he betrayed me. Just as you do. Anna you haven’t forgotten me, anymore than I’ve forgotten you. I’m always going to be a part of your life, yours and Isaac’s, but you need to go on living. I’ll be here for you always, but don’t be afraid to love him. Don’t let fear keep you from finding happiness.”

“ I care about him Ike but I don’t know if I can do that.”

“ You already have.” Ike whispered and reached out to brush a hand across her face. “No matter what Anna, believe me when I say I love you and our son, and it lightens my heart to know that Buck does to.”

“ Even if he doesn’t want to, right?”

“ Right.” Sighing softly Ike glanced away then returned his gaze to her for a moment. “I have to go now Anna, my time’s up. Remember what I said okay?”

“ I’ll remember.” Anna whispered as the image before her faded out like the smoke from the chimney. Sitting there she stared at the spot on the bed where Ike’d sat and let the tears come, for once the pain they marked being washed away with their passage, leaving her feeling lighter than she had in months.

Laying down she closed her eyes and quickly slid into a deep, dreamless sleep of the truly exhausted until only the faint snoring of her son echoed in her mind.

Dawn’s pale light watched over her and the small child as they were bundled into a buggy and driven into town to await the stagecoach that was heading for Capital City.

“ Remember Anna, you can do this.”

Smiling Anna hugged her friends tightly then stepped back and glanced at the young black woman who was traveling with her and watching Isaac. “I know. This is what Ike wanted.”

“ Huh?” Walker glanced at Emma with a puzzled look when Anna climbed on the stage and headed southwest, her face lit by a smile as she waved until the stage had disappeared leaving only a small mark in the snow to show that it had passed.

“ I think she’ll make it.” Emma glanced at her husband. “Anna always was pretty strong.”

“ Living with her father, she’d have to be.” Walker replied seriously watching the horizon for a few more minutes.

“ Come on, it’s time to get home. Ain’t nobody else gonna feed the stock.” Emma said dragging her husband away from the main street toward their buggy. “Besides I’m getting cold and so is your son.”

“ Coming mother.” Walker declared following her to the buggy and starting on the drive home.

Rachel watched Buck moving around the station, despite the fact that nearly everyone had cleared out leaving only her, Louise, Noah, and on occasion Cody when he passed through on his way to the various battles the young man’s moods had not improved. In fact he’d gotten worse, he worked until he was so exhausted he was often asleep before his head hit his pillow, he’d lost more weight than he could afford to, but what was even more surprising was the fact that he was often up within hours to return to work.

Rachel had seen him more than once staring back down the road he’d come in on as though there was something there that pulled at him, some need that drew him despite his attempts to corral those feelings. So it was that the day everyone pulled out for their usual round of chores, errands and such she managed to corral him in the barn.

“ Buck you got a minute?” Rachel asked stepping into the coolness of the barn her winter coat wrapped securely around her.

“ Sure Rachel, what is it?”

“ How are you?”

“ Good. Kinda busy at the moment.” Buck replied turning back to groom his mount, the grey he’d ridden back in on. “What can I do for you?”

“ Look I know this is hard, probably a lot harder than you want it to be, but I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

“ Nothing to talk about..” Buck replied quickly, too quickly then damned himself for the slip. He’d nearly come to terms with how his lapse in judgement had affected all of those involved and was thankful that for the first time in ages he could think of Anna without cringing, at least outwardly.

“ Buck,” Rachel sighed. “We’ve known each other too long for you to try that with me. You’ve worked yourself half to death these past weeks, you’re not sleeping, hardly eating, and you keep watching your trail. Talk to me. What happened while you were gone?”

“ I went to keep a promise and betrayed a friend.” With a shrug Buck glanced at the woman he cared about as a mother figure. “Ike wanted me to take something to his girl, Anna. I had to go to Missouri to do it. When I met her I was furious with her, with Ike, with myself. Hell I was furious with everyone, see what no one knew, was that she was pregnant when Ike was killed. We didn’t really know anything about her, but Ike never was one to talk about his feelings.”

“ What’s she like?”

“ Sort of a mix between Jimmy, Lou, and Cody. She’s smart, funny, has a great laugh when you can get her to laugh, yet she can get mean, stubborn, and be a complete smart-mouthed witch if needs be. Her and I fought more than once, and she’s good at it.” Smiling at the thought of the fights they’d had Buck shrugged. “And she loved him so much Rachel. Anna never said a bad word about anybody unless they had it coming, but boy get her talking about Ike and there wasn’t anything bad she’d say. She could tell me things I didn’t even know about him and I was his best friend, his confidant.” Staring past Rachel Buck sighed, “ When I got there all I was going to do was give her the money Ike wanted her to have, offer her my help around the place, you know help her get back on her feet.”

“ But?”

“ But the longer I stayed, the more attracted I was to her. Pretty soon I wasn’t staying because Ike had asked me to, I was staying just to be close to her. The little things started being big things to me, like the way she brushed her hair, the way she looked in the morning sunlight streaming in through the window.” Buck raked a hand through his hair. “The way she nursed Isaac, the way she never backed down from the work, she pulled her weight, maybe even more without a single word of complaint.” Turning to stare at Rachel he swore softly, “Do you know what it’s like to look at someone at the dinner table and have to hide your emotions? Every time I close my eyes, she’s all I see, all I can hear, all I can smell. My dreams are haunted by her, my mind keeps telling me to ignore my heart cause its telling me to go back to her. I lost Ike to a bullet, I don’t want to lose my friendship with Anna. She’s too important to let slip away. I came home because I knew if I’d have stayed sooner or later I would have done something that I know I shouldn’t do.”

“ Like fall in love?” Rachel asked softly, her tone soothing and without judgement. “She sounds like a reasonable young woman, did you tell her any of this?”

“ No! I can’t! I won’t ruin her life like that. Anna’s a beautiful woman with a lot going for her including a handsome little boy. She doesn’t need a half-breed hanging around.”

“ If she’s your friend she won’t care what you are.”

“ She doesn’t.” Buck replied. “She likes me for me, she never said a word about me sticking around, once she realized I wasn’t going away. We got along fine, but I couldn’t stay.”

Smiling at him Rachel walked over to where he stood. “It’s hard, I know, but you should be honest with her, even if you don’t think she deserves it.”

“ Being honest with her means telling her I betrayed the one person she trusted above all else. I don’t think she’d be too happy with that little tidbit.”

“ You never know. Maybe she doesn’t see it the way you do.” Rachel sighed. “Could be she cares just as much as you do about your friendship and despite the distance between you might want to cherish it.”

“ Perhaps.” Buck shrugged. “I’ll think on it.” He mouthed, knowing he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t go back to Missouri, he wouldn’t think of Anna, and he would stop feeling so guilty for loving her. Someday, maybe if he was lucky, he’d be able to move on with his life. Maybe.

Anna stood on the front stoop of the opulent mansion she’d grown up in and raised her hand to knock, her arms wrapped securely around her growing son, and a stubborn tilt to her chin. Standing impatiently awaiting the answer to her summons she glanced around, not much had changed in the time she’d been gone. If anything the ranch looked the same as it had that day two years before when she’d stormed out and gone to work for the express.

“ Why Miss Anna! Please come in, you know you don’t have to knock. Your Father’s in the study if you’d like to see him.”

“ Thank you Maria. I’ve only got one bag, it’s in the back of the wagon.”

“ I’ll see to it.” Darting off she closed the door and left Anna with the sleeping child in her arms to walk down the corridor and knock on the massive wooden doors that marked her father’s private sanctuary.

“ Come.” The order was barked, as though he barely tolerated the delay in business.

Opening the door, Anna stepped inside and closed it softly. “Still at it I see.” She commented noting the stacks of paperwork that cluttered the huge mahogany desk. Watching her father she felt a moment’s fear as he slowly looked up, his face going absolutely white then red.

“ Anna?” Rising the man stared at the young woman before him, a young child in her arms. Moving around the desk he paused when she stepped back from him and stared as she looked apprehensively at her son then at him. “Who is this?”

“ This is Isaac.” Anna replied quickly. “My son.” A quick flexing of a muscle brought the baby more flush against her body, an unconscious protective move as she stared down the man in front of her.

“ I guessed that girl. Come in and let me look at you.” Waving her forward he leaned back against the desk, hardly daring to believe she’d come home. Casting a glance over her he noted her hair had grown longer, the dark tresses held back by a rawhide thong, the ends brushing against her butt as she moved. Her blue eyes held a maturity, a pride that he had never seen and he was sure that the child in her arm was the cause of it. “How old is the babe?”

“ Isaac’s seven months old.” Anna replied looking lovingly at her son, he was her pride and joy the reason she rose in the morning and kept living. “And growing with a ferocity that amazes me.”

“ So how long are you here for?”

“ I’m not sure Pa.” Anna glanced at him head on. “I met someone, he’s a good man.”

“ He gonna marry you?”

Smiling sadly Anna shook her head, “I don’t know. I’ve only realized just how much I care about him. But he is only part of the reason I’m here, the other part is the past. We need to deal with it.”

“ Deal with what exactly?”

“ I’m tired Pa, tired of playing shadow games, hiding behind fake masks of pride for everyone. Momma may have tolerated it, but I won’t. I can’t. Isaac deserves more, and so do I. I need to be able to stand on my own and say I can do this, without looking over my shoulder to see if you’ve sent someone to tear it all down. I’m not a child Pa, nor am I one of the servants. You have to deal with me as an equal or not at all.”

Nodding at her words, Allen walked back to his seat and sat down as the door opened and Anna’s oldest brother stepped inside. “I see. So as long as you think we’re working on an even keel things will go smoothly.”

“ Precisely.” Anna shrugged and shifted her son’s weight before sinking into a chair. “George.”

“ Anna.”

“ So where do we start?” Allen asked quickly as Anna greeted her brother.

“ How about now?”

“ Okay.” Allen leaned back in his chair and met George’s gaze. “Starting now is a good place to begin.”

“ I agree.” George said glancing from his sister to his father and noting the easy way that Anna sat with the baby in her arms, a slight rocking of her body keeping the babe asleep. Despite their past, maybe they could build a new relationship that would allow everyone their own space and keep Anna a little closer to home.