If You Go Away

I met Nick two years ago at his seventeenth birthday party. As weird as it may seem, I stumbled into the large dance club where his and AJ's combined birthday party was being held. I was supposed to be meeting my friends at a dance club, thinking it was the right one. I walked in. Noticing how crowded it was, I realized that there was no way I was in the right place. I wondered around for a few moments until I decided to ask where I was. And there he was, smiling and talking to some people, I stepped over to him and waited until he was finished speaking to the other people. He was talking to them for only about ten more seconds until he looked over at me and stopped in the middle of a sentence, he told me later that I took his breath away. I'm not so sure about that, but as he excused himself from the people and stepped over to me I felt this sudden bond, this sudden love fill my heart.

I smiled at him and we started to talk. He asked me if I was here for AJ's party since he had never seen me before. I laughed and said no. I told him my whole situation and told him why I was there. He smiled understandingly and asked me if I could stay. I told him I couldn't because my friend was waiting for me at one of the nearby clubs, he took my hands and looked into my eyes and begged. That was my first taste of Nick Carter, my first view of his insane personality, his kind soul, and his warm, yet undeniably childish heart. And that's what made me fall in love with him.

I called the dance club my friend was at after looking it up in the yellow pages, I told her I had met the most amazing guy and something was telling me I had to stay and get to know him. With a small laugh and a warning, she told me to be careful and to have fun, and that she'd call me at my house in the morning.

I went back to where Nick was patiently waiting and we started talking, he explained it was his birthday and I wished him a happy birthday. He smiled and took my hand, he introduced me to the rest of the Backstreet Boys, at that time, I had only heard one of their songs, but it was still very funny that I walked into a famous birthday party. He introduced me to his manager and to the other music groups, songwriters, and producers there. It amazed me that all those big industry people were there for a seventeen and a nineteen-year-olds birthday party.

As the night came to an end we exchanged phone numbers. He told me he had a great time and I apologized for just walking in on his birthday party. He smiled and told me it was boring before I had gotten there anyway. I went home that night with a strange feeling sketched into my heart and my soul. I felt his imprint in me already, even though I had only known him for a few hours.

He called me early the next morning and apologized for calling so early, he said he couldn't keep his hand from picking up the phone anymore, he said he had to hear my voice.

And that's how it all started. A couple weeks later he left for tour. He called me constantly, I always asked him how much his phone bill was costing and he always said , "I couldn't tell you cause you'd make me stop calling so much."

It always made me laugh, cause he was right. I didn't want him spending a lot of money of phone calls to me. But that never stopped him. Once a week a bouquet of my favorite flower would come to my house, they were always from Nick of course, he always said that they'd be dead in a week anyway, so he would always send me fresh ones to make up for the dead or dying roses.

Every note with the flowers was always the same, "I love you and until we're together again, I'll be in your heart." It always brought a smile to my face, and I always looked forward to them.

Whenever he was home from tour we would do everything together. A lot of times it would be with Brian or one of the other guys, they were Nick's heart, Nick's life. They were almost like his oxygen. If one of them wasn't there for him to goof around with, it was almost like he couldn't breathe. Our place was always at the beach, we both loved it there. Our favorite thing to do was hold eachother and just either stare up at the night stars or watch the ocean waves hit the sand. To this day I swear he wanted to get married on that speedboat of his.

Then one week Nick called from Germany...

"Hey, Charisma," he said with happiness in his voice, "I'm coming home in a couple of days!"

"No way!" I said with a smile as I spun the phone wire around my index finger.

"Yah!" he said happily, "We're gonna spend every moment of it together, right?"

I laughed, "Only if you want to."

"I do." He said, "I was thinking we could maybe go somewhere together, my parents are going to be visiting my grandpa in New York and…"

"You're not going with them?" I asked surprised, Nick loved going to New York to see his grandfather, "That's shocking."

"Well, he came to our last concert in New York and I saw him, I thought me and you could do something together." He said, with a sound of hurt in his voice.

"I'm sorry Nick," I said with a giggle, "I didn't mean to make it sound like I didn't want you here."

Nick laughed a bit, "That's OK. Listen, Angel, I gotta go. We got yet another photo shoot to get done for the new album."

I smiled, "It's no problem. I'll see you next week."

"Yah, but I'll call you later on tonight." He said before he hung up the phone.

I laughed as I hung up the receiver, he loved calling me his angel. I don't know why, he just started one day and he didn't stop. In fact, he barely ever called me by my real name, Charisma.

That week flew by like a turtle crossing an express way. It was so painful and tiring. I just wanted him there with me.

That Saturday I sat on my couch, flipping through the TV channels, when a news report caught my attention. I don't know why this one caught my eye, but it did...

"We have some new news about the car accident on the corner of Hill Street and May, right by the local flower shop and coffee store, only one has been injured, the male who was in the car is reportedly around six foot with blonde hair and blue eyes and around the ages of 17 through 21. He is reportedly in a coma at this point in time and we will update you as news happens." I slowly turned off the TV. "No way," I said to myself with a convincing laugh, "It couldn't be. It's just your imagination running wild again." I said as I stood off the couch and walked to the kitchen to get myself something to drink, then the phone rang. "Hello." I said as I picked it up and held it between my shoulder and my ear and I opened my can of Sprite, "Yo, Charisma, you weren't just watching the news by chance, were you?" AJ asked quickly with a load of worry.

"You mean about the accident by the flower shop? Yah I saw it." I said as I took a sip.

"Charisma, you don't understand. It's Nick." He said quickly.

"AJ, it's just your imagination. I'm sure Nicks fine." I said as I set the can down on the counter top.

"Charisma, I think you're just in denial." He said slowly, "Before Nick left the airport he said he was going to the flower shop to get you some flowers."

"So what?" I asked, "He could've have been in traffic or something."

"Charisma, did you see the car?" AJ asked.

"What? Did the driver run into a lamp post?" I asked jokingly.

"No, a truck ran through the red light." AJ hissed, "Charisma!" he yelled, "I'm serious! It was Nick's black corvette! This isn't a joke! That was Nick's car and I saw pictures of it, it's totaled!" I froze, the reality was sweeping over me at a hundred miles per hour, "You're not kidding?" I whispered hoarsely into the phone."

"No, I'm not." He said, "I'm going to call Brian then I'm going to the hospital." I shook my head, "No! No! This can't be happening!" I yelled as I dropped to my knees.

"I know, Charisma," AJ said softly. I could tell he was trying to be strong on the outside, but inside he was in shock, "Just stay calm, he might not be too bad."

"What do you mean he might not be too bad?" I yelled, "You said his car is totaled! He was in that car, AJ!"

"OK, Charisma, you're right. But we gotta stay cool, we gotta be strong---for Nick. You know he hates it when you cry."

I wiped the silent tears from my face, "Where are you?"

"I'm at my moms." He said simply.

"Can you pick me up on the way to the hospital?"

"Yah," AJ said simply, "I'll be there as soon as I can…"

Ten minutes later a long honk rung out from my driveway, I looked out the window as I stopped pacing my livingroom, "AJ?" I whispered to myself as I ran out the front door and slammed it behind me. "What are you doing here already? It's a half hour drive from your moms house." I said as I slipped into the car.

"Girl, my best friend is lying in a hospital right now, I'm driving like damn Speed Racer." He said without looking at me as he pulled out of my driveway. "Have you called Brian?" I asked as he drove speedily down the street.

"Yah, I thought he was going to pass out." He said seriously, "But he's on his way."

"What about the others?" I asked as I looked out the window. Rain was now beating down steadily. "Yah, called them too. Kevs gonna pick up Howie on the way."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, hoping it would all just go away. The blurry streaks of rain, the trees zooming past the car as AJ drove as fast as he could, the pain in my heart, I was just hoping it would all go away and I would open my eyes to be sitting on the livingroom couch in my house with Nick fast to sleep in my arms. But I opened my eyes, and it was all still there, the same nightmare.

We zoomed into the hospital parking lot and we both jumped out of the car, not caring about the heavy rain, and ran into the hospital and to the front desk. "May I help you?" the man at the desk asked as he stood up as me and the wet AJ approached quickly. "Nick Carter, we need some information on Nick Carter, where's he at, how he's doing, all that crap." AJ breathed heavily as he stopped at the desk. "I'm sorry sir, I can only give that information to family members." The man said simply.

AJ grabbed the man by the front of the shirt and yanked him closer, "Listen dammit, that's my kid brother and her boyfriend. You better tell us where he's at before I hurt you so badly you'll…"

"Fine!" the man yelled as he pulled away from AJ and sat down at the desk. I could tell he got that a lot from people cause he didn't even flinch, he took a deep breath and looked up from the computer he had just typed Nick's name in, "Which one are you? AJ, Brian, Howie, or Kevin?"

"I'm AJ." He said calmly.

"Hmm, I see here you're not related, but in Mr. Carter's wallet it said in case of emergency contact…"

"Alright, alright, whatever." AJ hissed as he threw his hands in the air, "Just tell me what's going on."

"Mr. Carter is in serious condition, he's in surgery right now for internal bleeding. You can wait in waiting room seven and I'll have a doctor for you to speak to shortly." AJ looked over at me and took my hand, without a word he pulled me to waiting room seven just down the hall, "Did, did he say internal bleeding?" I asked as I watched AJ roughly plop down on one of the chairs, "Yah, why?" he asked.

"AJ!" I yelled, "People die from that!" I said as tears formed in my eyes and threatened to pour over. "OK, Angel, calm down." AJ said as he stood up and hugged me. It was strange, only Nick called me Angel. Why did AJ just start now? "I'll be ok." He whispered in my ear. I pulled away and looked at AJ, "What did you just say?" I asked. "What? I didn't say anything." He said surprised as he looked at me, "You sure you're ok?"

"You---you just told me you'd be ok." I said shakily as I pulled further away. "Girl, I think you're hearing things." He said as he sat back down. I looked around the room and sat down, I couldn't help but wonder how Nick was doing, "He just better be alright." I kept saying to myself. "Mr. McLean?" A tall blonde nurse asked as she stepped into the waiting room. We both stood up and looked at the nurse, "News?" he asked quickly. "No, I'm---I'm sorry. I don't know. It's just, theirs a phone call for you out in the hall." She said.

AJ looked over at me and I wiped the tears from my face, he leaned over and kissed my cheek, "He hates it when you cry." He whispered before following the nurse to the phone. He was right. I swiped the tears away from my cheeks; Nick did hate it when I cried. When my father died of cancer the year before Nick was always holding me and telling me he hated it when I cried. He said he felt like there was nothing he could do to make me feel better. Nick always said he especially hated it when he made me cry, like the summer before he was playing basketball and he fell and hit his head hard on the cement, he was knocked out cold. I thought something was seriously wrong so while Brian tried waking him up, I cried, and cried, and cried.

The first thing he said when he woke up was, "I heard you crying, you know I hate it when you cry." That was the funniest thing, I practically pounced on him as he was getting up from the ground and rubbing his head. I don't think I ever kissed Nick as long as I kissed him that day.

A smile spread across my face as I thought, until I was interrupted by AJ who stepped back into the room. "Brian said he might have to run here," AJ joked as he sat back down, "He's stuck in really horrible traffic." I looked down at my legs. If anyone should be here it should be Brian. "AJ, Brian really needs to be here if Nick…" AJ looked up at me. He almost looked angry, "Don't even think that Charisma." I looked back down at my legs, he was right, I shouldn't.

About an hour later a doctor came stepping into the room. AJ and I both quickly stood up and the doctor asked us to sit back down. "Well," he said as he took a deep breath, "Mr. Thomas at the front desk said he could tell you two were seriously worried about Mr. Carter." The doctor said as he looked from AJ to me, "And you should be."

"What happened?" I asked as tears began to fill my eyes. "In the emergency room we lost Mr. Carter for a couple of minutes." The doctor explained carefully, "We thought we knew where the bleeding was located but we can't find it. He's in the ER right now and they're trying to locate it." I was in shock. They lost Nick for a couple of minutes? That means he was…he was dead for a couple of minutes!!! The doctor saw the look of shock on my face and patted my hand, "We're trying everything we can ma'am." He said warmly. I shook my head, "Well it's not enough!" I yelled quietly as tears rolled down my cheeks. The doctor patted my hand again before standing up, "One of you can see him. But just for a few minutes. We need to get him back into surgery."

"I need to see him." I said as I quickly stood up. The doctor looked down at AJ, "Go ahead." AJ said as he looked up at me. I quickly followed the doctor to Nick's room. He turned to me before letting me in, "Now, I'm warning you, he can still hear you." I nodded my head as I held back tears. "And he doesn't look like you picture him. He doesn't look horrifying but I'm sure he doesn't look the same." He said as he put his hand on the knob. I looked up at the doctor, "I understand." I whispered. He nodded his head and held open the door for me to go in. He closed the door after me. It was just me, Nick, and the machines keeping him alive.

I looked over at the bed and saw Nick lying on his back. He looked so peaceful and it tore me up inside. I just wanted him to sit up and tell me what hurt and what felt all right, I just wanted to hold him. And it killed me knowing that if I tried to hold him now, I would probably kill him.

I stepped closer to the bed. Yhere were so many machines beeping and buzzing, but it was a peaceful noise, nothing that would drive you crazy if you had to listen to it for too long. I gently placed my hand on his stomach, I don't know what I expected, I just wanted to make sure he was breathing. After I felt my hand on his stomach gently rise I let out a sigh of relief as I leaned over and gently planted a kiss on his neck, "Hi Nicky." I said quietly as I touched his hair. Facially he looked fine, except for a few minor cuts and scratches. I brushed the back of my hand over his soft cheek, "I know you can feel this." I whispered as I kissed his lips. I wanted him to move so badly, but he didn't. I saw and felt my hand shake as I ran the tip of my finger over his lips, "I love you, Nick." I said as I took his hand in mine. "Brian's on his way," I smiled as I moved a piece of hair from out of his face, "He said he'd run here if he had to. He'd do that for you, too, that's the funny thing," I said with a calm laugh. I wanted to show him that I could be strong enough for the both of us.

I was silent for a few moments after that. I just stared at him. So perfect, as usual of course, that's what he was known for, always looking perfect. His skin was still as smooth as ever. And I just wanted to kiss him so hard, but I was too afraid to do anything more than peck his lips. I tear slid down my cheek as I thought of how my life would be without him. Knowing I could never whisper a joke into his ear, or hold him in my arms and hear him say he loves me, or just look into his eyes again, sent a sudden fear through my heart. I didn't know what I'd do if he left me. If…if he died. Then I leaned over, close enough to whisper in his ear,

"If you go away, Nick, if you leave me, you're taking my heart with you. Do you hear me, Nick?" I said as I kept my eyes firmly on his closed eyes, hoping for something. Maybe I was hoping for a miracle, I still don't know. "You're taking my heart." I whispered again as a tear ran down my cheek. Shit. I thought to myself as I wiped it away, I know you hate it when I cry.

I looked down at Nick. He looked so normal, but almost like he was in pain. "Nick, I need you." I whispered, "We need you." Just then doctors came running into the room, "Sorry ma'am, but he's got to be rushed to the operating room." A man in blue O.R. scrubs said as he stood next to me. I leaned over and kissed Nick one last time, "I love you." I whispered. As I watched them wheel Nick's bed out of the room, I felt my heart break. For some reason I felt like that would be the last time I ever kissed, or touched him…

I don't think I breathed once in the next three hours. Brian had finally gotten there an hour after Nick was wheeled into surgery. Kevin and Howie arrived not too much later. They were all so upset that they couldn't see him before he went in. I was worrying myself so much I fell to sleep with my head on Brian's shoulder, "Charisma." Brian said as he leaned over me and gently kissed my forehead, I opened my eyes and looked up at him, "Is Nick out?" I asked as I quickly sat up, "He's alright, right? Can I see him?" I asked excitedly.

"Hon, Nick's still under." Brian said as he took my hand and ran his other hand over the top of mine. "He's been under for almost three hours, why don't you go home and get some sleep. We'll call you when theirs news."

"No." I said as I shook my head, "I want to be here. I need to be here."

"No, you don't." A nurse said as she walked into the room, "Mr. Carter could be in there for hours yet."

"Is there any news? Is he ok?" Brian asked as he stood up. "I'm sorry, Sir, no news has come out of the surgery room," she said. "I promise I'll let you know if there is," she said with a warm smile before leaving the room. Brian turned back to me, "You heard her. Go," He said as he nodded his head towards the door…

I held the note from Nick to my heart and looked up at the sky through my sky window in the ceiling. I smiled, "You will be, Nick… until we're together again."

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