All Fear L.D.

karen sat in silent contemplation. years had passed since she had last seen her dear childhood friends, and she missed them so. the last she had seen of sara had been in a hospital bed, missing certain key body parts. jasmine was on the run from her now continuously evil twin penelope, who was bent on revenge, and phoebe was on the run after penelope, not able to bear the thought of her friend dying for the second time. karen sighed a long staggering sigh. "if only things were the way they used to be," she thought. "at one time we were all so close, until we all began murdering - or at least attempting to murder - each other. i miss that simple teenage life before sara burst into our pre-calc room, when the worst thing that could happen was someone stealing the circle-chair and not letting me have it, requiring me to beat the crap out of them." (moral: DO NOT underestimate karen's violent tendencies regarding the circle-chair.)

karen's reminiscing put her into a deep depression where she sat in one corner of her living room rocking back and forth, moaning, muttering incoherently, and banging her head repeatedly against the wall for hours at a time. this behavior went on for days, until she finally realized that all was not lost. there Was something she could do. now that she didn't need to spend the rest of her life avenging jasmine death, as jasmine wasn't dead anymore, karen could devote her life to furthuring the study of science.

two years later, karen slowly walked around a rather strange looking contraption, regarding her ingenious invention with admiration. then she picked it up and stuck it in her pocket. "now is the time," she thought to herself. "the time i have been waiting for for so long." bracing herself, karen reached into her pocket and pressed the large orange button set in the upper LEFT-HAND corner of her time machine. smoke billowing around her, karen found herself in a dimly lit room with a rather strange odor. "drat!" she muttered, "i thought i fixed that smoke problem!" "what?!" exclaimed a dark figure on the other side of the room. "i know that voice," karen thought. with startled realization, karen screamed out "SARA!!!!!!" in an overjoyed tone and ran over to embrace her long lost friend. disengaging herself in annoyance, sara politely informed her, "now is not the time, karen." karen suddenly realized she was back in phoebe's room on that fateful night. this was Not where she wanted to be. at least this meant she Had fixed the smoke problem after all.

remembering the events of so many years ago, karen sighed out loud. "why, phoebe, why would you do this to us?" she whispered. before sara had a chance to respond, they were both startled by a thumping sound coming from the closet. sara looked frightened. by this time, the smoke filling up the flaming room was making karen a tad bit woozy, so she was unable to investigate. it was up to sara. with a determined look, she strode over to the closet and flung the doors open wide. "it's merely a trunk!" she exclaimed. sure enough, there was a blue trunk, rocking back and forth. "try Opening the trunk, sara." karen was utterly amazed at sara's stupidity. "i'm scared," whispered sara. but with a glare from karen, she released the latches and raised the lid. "phoebe!" she exclaimed. "phoebe?!!! but then who's out there!" karen screeched, pointing towards the door. before either sara or phoebe had the chance to respond, they were interrupted by another thumping; this one coming from the ceiling. with alarm, the three stared upwards. "jasmine!!!!" they screamed. sure enough, there was jasmine, duct taped to the ceiling, bound and gagged. before anyone had the chance to free jass from her bonds, the tape gave way (just so you know, according to leah, duck brand duct tape is not to be used above a certain temperature which, considering the fire, is supposed to have been reached.), and she plumented to the floor.

the four friends were finally reunited, but soon they all realized this was not the time nor the place to catch up on the past years' events, as the fire was spreading more and more rapidly. after a moment of panic and "whatever shall we do?!!"'s, the four climbed out the window. each leaped gracefully to the ground below, landing with pained oofmps. but wait, it was not they who made the oofmps, it was........"mary and meg???!!!!!!!!" yes, it was mary and meg, lying bound and gagged in the bushes who karen, sara, phoebe, And jass had landed on. "poor mary and meg" cried sara. and the four set to untying them. once mary and meg had been released, the six filed in the back door of phoebe's house to find out who was the perpetrator of all this. Whocould it be? WHO could do such a thing? yes, i wonder, WHO?!!! suddenly, sara piped up, "kathy! she's the only one left!" "no sara" explained mary. "i just got a postcard from her. she's meditating in tibet."

***scene breaks to a serene setting where a serene kathy sits serenely atop a serene mountain with her legs crossed, arms outstretched, serenely humming "ommmm"****

"i thought she was on safari in the amazon!" exclaimed a confused jasmine as phoebe indignantly screamed out,"hey! she didn't send ME a postcard!" in reply to jass, mary replied, "she was." by this time, the six had reached the staircase leading up to phoebe's room. "shhhh," said karen. "we can't let Perpetrator know" they all crept quietly up the stairs, karen leading the procession. reaching the top, she spied a figure cloaked in black standing outside phoebe's door, still tahee-heeing. "sounds just like phoebe!" sara whispered. "i don't sound like that!" phoebe whispered back." "sure, just like karen doesn't flap her arms,"1 said jasmine. "shhhh" said meg. meanwhile, karen stared at this mysterious cloaked figure. who?! Who could it be?! WHO on earth would do such a thing?!!!

suddenly, the figure turned in surprise. karen gasped. sara grinned. meg fainted. mary watched meg faint. phoebe exclaimed, "oh my!" jasmine couldn't see a thing. standing at the back of the group, she stretched up on her tiptoes and strained to see over the rest of them. "who?! WHO is it?!!!" she screeched. karen gasped again and exclaimed, "NO! it couldn't be!" but it was. "oh my oh my oh my!" phoebe repeated. "leonard!" jasmine, though she could still see nothing, began to swoon. sara made a sound like a dying antelope,2 and then stated, "christ i have a dirty mouth." 3 after the six recovered from their initial reactions,or five since meg was still lying in a heap on the floor, they each faced "leonard"4 with assertiveness. yet they all felt a bit sympathetic towards him, noting his crestfallen look. a lightheaded jass exclaimed, "but why, leo, Why?!!! why would you want to kill us all?!" "well" he explained, "i only Wanted to kill phoebe, but more and more people kept showing up!" a deeply annoyed glare replaced his expression of disappointment. "yeah" sara demanded to meg and mary. "what were you two doing here anyway?" as meg was still out cold, mary was the only one left to answer. with a few nervous glances around, she quickly responded, "uh...squirrel hunting."

before anyone had a chance to question this (they never Did find out what the two had been doing staking out phoebe's house), "leonard" broke in with his confession. "i had to do it. i just Had to. phoebe knew my secret! *phoebe breaks in with a confused, "i did?"* if it got out that my name was really leonard, my life would be over! it would ruin my reputation, my career, everything!" at this point, he started mumbling semi-coherently to himself. "and it was destined in the stars......i-i couldn't risk it.......if karen knew my real name, she'd Never marry me!"

"WHAT?!!! exclaimed an enraged jasmine. "How could you?!!!!!" she screamed, wielding a disturbingly large hatchet.

as sara stood there wondering where on earth that hatchet had come from, for she could have sworn jass hadn't had it a minute ago, karen, thinking that last remark had been aimed at her, was looking for a speedy escape route. but as she was about to zip past jasmine and dart down the stairs, she realized it wouldn't be necessary. this was a good thing, for she realized that in darting past jass she would have tripped over meg's outstretched body anyway.

Mary, karen, and phoebe watched in horror (sara was laughing her head off), as jasmine began hacking away at a screaming leonard. yet the screaming was soon cut short. "phoebe?" inquired jasmine, standing over various dismembered body parts, "do you have any garbage bags?" "sure, i think so," said phoebe, very willing to comply. while she was in search of the bag, meg, who had until now been disregarded despite her distressful state, began to moan. mary helped her up, but when she saw the remains of her idol, she collapsed on the floor again. phoebe returned with the bag and handed it over meekly to jasmine, pointing out that she was covered in blood. jass ignored her, took the back, and began stuffing bits and pieces of leo inside. once she had everything, she threw the sack over her shoulder, and with his head tucked underneath her arm, she began to march purposefully down the stairs. Phoebe, sara, and karen followed, while mary remained at meg's side. actually, she wasn't literally at meg's side. rather, she was running diligently in circles around all of meg's sides (how many sides does meg have anyways?) no one was quite sure why mary was running in circles, but they figured it wasn't all that important. jasmine strode through the door, appearing unusually calm considering the trauma that she has just experienced. the other three eyed her carefully as she began to strut down monroe in the downtown direction, muttering to herself. As she went, she scattered leo's bits and pieces along the sidewalk. phoebe, sara, and karen pursued her, attempting to pick their ways through the various intestines, toes, and other pieces of flesh, including an eyeball here and there. (at this point sara begins to wonder exactly how many eyes leo has. (had?)) but they were getting a lot of nasty stuff on their shoes, so they decided to return to phoebe's.

upon reaching the house, they noticed that by this time, the upper story was really blazing, and figured perhaps it was time they started to put the fire out. recruiting meg and mary, who they found napping in the bushes on the front lawn, they all donned their black leather suits and bug-eyed goggles (bug man!5), and each with their own respective fire extinguishers, they marched into the house (where did they get the fire extinguishers you ask? from the street vendor, duh.) about half an hour later, the five exited the house and turned to survey their work. yes, the upper story was a bit black and charred in some places, and missing altogether in others, but there was no serious damage. and it had a rather interesting effect. now no one could Ever claim phoebe's house was identical to any other on the block.

exhausted from their exhausted effort, the five filed back inside, and headed for the basement. after fighting over who got the bean bag chair, they all settled in for a good night's sleep. On the verge of sleep, karen muttered, "do you suppose we should go fetch jasmine?" it was unaminously decided against, and they all passed out from the exciting events of the evening. if the house hadn't collapsed on them in their sleep, they could have been up bright and early to watch a very interesting story on the six o'clock news the next morning. For the early morning patrol had come across a large group of teenage girls collecting in an eager huddle on a sidewalk. they were all screeching excitedly, exclaiming (sorry jass, but i didn't even get the idea until you told me) "can i have your autograph? can i Read your autograph? can i have your autograph to Read?!!!!!"6 intent on breaking up the crowd, the authorities side-stepped the inner organs strewn on the pavement, and shoved their way through the girls to find out whose autograph it was that was in such demand. right upon hearing a startled exclamation, "my leo, you're Sooo skinny!!!!", they reached the center of the group and saw the head that was sitting upon a parking meter.