Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine. Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?" Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!!
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "All right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then came the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
This Sardarnee holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks a clerk if she can use the store's free baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is out for repairs. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the Sardarnee. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," says the Sardarnee, "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference :The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
1.I am very detail-oreinted.
2.My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
3.Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
4.Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
5.It's best for employers that I not work with people.
6.Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
7.I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
8.If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
9.My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
10.You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
11.I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
12.Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
13.Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
14.Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
15.Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
16.Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
17.Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
18.My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
19.Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
20.I am a rabid typist.
21.Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
22.I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
23.Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
24.Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
25.Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
26.Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
27.Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
28.I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
29.Special Skills: Speak English.
30.Served as assistant sore manager.
31.Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
32.Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
33.Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
34.Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." -- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy tourism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old carrier sailor
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
