"You.cant.turn.the.tables..."
"You can't turn the tables..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I walked up the familiar steps of the porch. Avoiding this place was something I'd gotten all to use too. I'm not sure why I felt this was necessary. I didn't want to exceptionally go out of my way to hurt Taylor, but I knew I had to do this. This was going to put closure for me. Maybe even for him too.
The house wasn't completely empty, proven by Isaac's car, along with Taylor's Jeep, which were both in the driveway. I knew that at least they had to be home. Walking up the five wooden steps to the porch, the forth one creaked on cue. I feared the most, as I softly knocked on the door. Please, let this be easy...
Isaac answered not long after, surprised that I was there, but letting me in just the same. "Woa... now you're the last person I would expect to see standing on my porch. What can I do for you?" He smiled, escorting me towards the living room. I heard Jessica upstairs yelling at Mackie for something.
"I don't really want to be here long," I absently declined, giving a nervous smile. Keeping my stand in the front hall, my gaze wandered throughout the hallway. "I just wanted to give Taylor something. Is he here?"
"Nope. He's actually out with Zac."
"Zac?"
"Yea, they kinda got over some things." I guess he read the confusion on my face clearly, knowing why I was surprised that they'd actually gone somewhere. Together. "I mean, Zac's still irritated about Tay and you, but they're doing good. At least they're finally talking to each other, that whole thing went on way to long. Tay took him to the mall to get something for Erica. They took the van so that they could pick up some groceries for my mom on the way home."
I nodded.
"He's gonna be pretty frustrated that he missed you. Especially since you made the effort to come over here. But at least him and Zac are out together." He shrugged.
I slightly cringed. (To myself, of course.) Believe me, Taylor would not be frustrated to miss this one. I felt bad about my own little secret I was about to share.
"You can stick around for him to come back if you want."
"Nah... I have other things to do. Can you just give him something for me?" I asked, retrieving the ring from the pocket of my khakis.
He stared at me for a second, eyeing my hands incredulously. "Julie, I wish I could, but that's something you've got to do. You know he'd be crushed. I can't do something like that to him. If you want to give that back, you're gonna have to figure out a way to do it yourself."
"I can't. You know how much it took for me to come over here? There's no way I can come back a second time to do this."
"I'm not giving him the ring."
"I know. I won't ask you to again. I'll just leave it here."
"Just like that?"
"Just like what?" I gave him a look. This wasn't that big of a deal. So what... it was my ring. I could do whatever I wanted with it.
"You don't even care about it?"
"Not really..."
"Don't tell me that Julie. From the day you got that ring, I've never seen it off your finger once. I seriously doubt that it means nothing to you. I know you love that thing. You can't just leave it here."
"What do you want me to do with it Isaac?" I asked sarcastically, struggling to have him take my side. "Wrap it up with a bow, and hand deliver it?"
He rolled his eyes. "Well I don't see why you just can't come back later and give it to him."
"I already told you, I can't do this again. Now are you going to take this from me or not?"
"I already said no."
"Fine, then I'll go put it up next to his bed. Happy?"
"No."
"Ugh... whatever." I threw my hands up, before walking up to their room.
The window displayed light across the room, as I took notice to unmade beds, and clothes thrown about the room. I didn't want to waste too much time. It was so weird, I'd spent so much time up here, not just with Tay, but with all three of them. Hanging out, joking around, sleeping, cleaning, and even unpacking when they left the 'MOE Headquarters' and moved in here.
Walking over to his side of the room, I saw the blank book sitting solely on the bed. He would've never left his journal out purposely; He'd be a wreck if he knew where it was at this moment. So much of him was in that thing. I've never read it, nor have asked to. I wondered what he'd written down over the last few weeks, as I picked it up, taking a second look at his name scribbled on the cover.
As much as I wanted to, I went against opening it. Like I'd said before, that was way too private. I wouldn't step that much into his personal belongings. I was trying to pull more away, and that wouldn't help. I warily began to put it back in the place he hid it, where his brothers didn't even know. He'd trusted me enough to know that 'secret spot.' Thinking it would only make things more obvious, I let it sit right where it was. The ring was tossed gently on his bed, and I made my way back downstairs.
"Aren't you even gonna write a note? You should at least do something..." Isaac suggested, as I defiantly walked by him on the stairs.
"I don't have anything to say."
"Yea you do, or you wouldn't have come over here."
"Yes I would. My sole purpose of coming here was to give him that ring back."
"Do you know how insensitive you're being?"
I inwardly groaned. "Isaac. I know you live to give me lectures, and you're really good at it too, but I don't need to hear it. Especially not now."
"You won't listen to anyone."
"I shouldn't have to."
"You should let people help you."
"Help?" I laughed, looking him over. "It's not like I have some sorta problem."
"Yes you do." He concluded, giving me a satisfied look.
"Sure I do..." I stopped at the bottom of the steps. "What is it this week?"
"You can't get over things. And you're doing whatever you can to try and fool everyone to think you are over it. When in reality, you're just dragging things out even more, hurting my brother along with it. You're my friend too, but Julie, I have to watch out for him just as much. So he's made mistakes... at least now he's doing everything he can to show you he's completely sorry. You act like you couldn't give a shit."
To me, it was now put in as simple form as possible. He wasn't on my side anymore. I looked down. "I have to go."
"See? This is what you do."
"I don't do anything!" I raised my voice with exasperation. Things were so frustrating lately, and it seemed like everyone was beginning to take Taylor's side in this.
"You're walking away!"
"Isaac, I told you I had other things to do today. I know you want to help, but I don't need you to. Stay out of something you don't belong." I stated to him bluntly, opening the door.
"Have it your way then. Do what you want, I don't care anymore."
I turned away from the door. "Listen, I'm sorry ok?" Pushing hair out of my face, I looked at him. "I just don't know anymore. Things have gotten so crazy, and I'm just trying to make things normal for me. I need to get out of here before this gets even worse."
"Give me a call later. Are you going to be home tonight?" He asked, as I nodded yes. "Good. What time can you call?"
I shrugged. "Anytime Taylor won't be picking up the phone?"
"That's a little hard to pull off."
"I know."
"Hmmm..." He thought for a second. "I know he's helping my mom and dad drive some things over to the church for an auction tonight. Everyone will be out of the house for awhile. Well, except for Zac and Jessi. I'm sure they'll decide to hang out here. That should be about 7. Are you ok with that?"
"Fine. I'll call then." I said, before walking out the door to my car.
"You know, I don't get you sometimes Julie."
"Sure... All I said is that you aren't his caretaker, so stop defending him so much. He isn't going to just redeem himself easily with me."
"I'm just getting sick of you two. At first, I saw why you were mad, but now it just seems useless. Ok, I know Taylor was wrong. He let his hormones rage, and got caught up in the moment. But you just won't let things go. And I'm not the only one who can't stand it anymore!" He exclaimed.
He's not the only one? They all think I should take Taylor back then. What the hell was he getting at? "Gee Ike, sorry I'm such a bother to your life. I'll make sure I stay out of your way from now on."
"I don't mean it like that. It's just... Everything is coming apart, and it shouldn't. We've all been through a lot together, and have never had a big problem. But this whole thing is really wearing us down."
"It's wearing us down? Oh, you poor thing! What about me? And Taylor? The only reason its bothering you is because you can't stay out of it."
I had sat on the phone talking for Isaac for almost an hour. I tried to talk rationally with him about everything, but it all came out as complaints. I couldn't believe he was still on the other end of the line listening. Even if we were fighting, it was nice to talk about things with someone other than Nicole.
But as always, talking to others had its down point. Everyone made me vulnerable with what their concept of the situation was. I felt like I was in a pinball machine, being bounced back and forth from a medley of everyone's idea.
I heard some mumbling in the background, as another person entered the kitchen Isaac was sitting in. There were a few muffled noises. "Hold on, would ya..."
The voices raised a little, and I started to pick out Taylor. "Just let me say a few things..." My attention diverted from my own trail of thoughts onto what was going on in the background.
"No, you can't have the phone!" Isaac said. There was more struggling, and shouts. I heard Isaac grunt, as Taylor then spoke directly into the receiver. "Julie?" There were more noises, before Taylor yelled. "Jesus Christ! Just let me talk to her for two seconds!" Isaac seemed to give up, as Taylor got back on the line. I knew there'd be hell to pay for him yelling that in the house later on.
"Julie, did you read it?" He accused harshly. Taylor's voice was filled with determination, and it was evident this wasn't just another time he wanted to talk things out. Anger shot through the phone as he set out for a direct answer.
"Read what?"
"You know what!"
"I have no clue what you're talking about." As calmly as possible, I talked back to him.
"You left the damn ring on it! Or did you forget about that too?" So his reasons weren't subtle.
"What? You're journal?" I asked agitated, the phone pressed to my ear.
"Wow, you're quick. You read it, didn't you?" He alleged. His voice made me acutely aware that I was in for another harmful fight with him. Oh... I could only be so lucky...
After waiting a moment and not hearing me answer, he began again, his voice angrier and out for an argument. "Do you feel better? Going through my things, personal, of course. Did you read about everything that happened, or what I'm going through? Do you even understand? God Julie. I really thought I could trust you, and that was pretty damn low." He had no remorse in his voice like he usually did. "I never, ever, had to worry about you before with that thing..."
"I didn't read anything! Why would I read that now, when I've had about 50 thousand other chances to? Huh Taylor? It was on your bed when I got to the house! Or wait, is this just another plot to get me to talk to you? Trying to turn things around so you can be mad at me for once? Blame me for something else! Maybe I'll stay on here even longer!"
I'm sure by this time, Isaac had left the room. Though, I knew he'd still hear Taylor's half of the conversation. If he tried hard enough, he may've been able to even hear my half.
"I can't believe you! You change everything that happens into your problem! You haven't thought about me through any of this!"
"I don't have to!" I shouted instinctively into the phone. Fury was only building into my head, blocking any other sense. I was sick of holding things in, being hurt by Taylor, feeling bad about everything. He'd hurt me. I hadn't done anything to him but give him what he deserved. "You've hurt me more than I could ever hurt you. I don't care about your problems right now. I just want to deal with mine. I want to hurt you so much more, and I can't. No matter how hard I try."
"It's because you love me. You need me." He coaxed, only succeeding in racking up more reasons for me to hate him at the moment.
"I don't need you. I can go on perfectly fine by myself." I rolled me eyes by his confident answer. "Keep trying to convince yourself that Taylor, but it isn't true. It's because I have a conscience. I wouldn't hurt anyone I cared about, let alone go as low as to what you did."
"I knew there was no way in hell you'd make this easy for me if you found out, but there is nothing else I can do! I'm sorry, ok? I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say it. Sorry, sorry, I'm so friggin sorry!" He yelled. I fought every urge I had to throw my phone against the wall.
"It doesn't help. Do you really thing your 'sorry' is going to make me feel any better?"
"No, but at least you'd realize I meant it."
"I don't doubt that you mean it, but I don't care either way. It still hurts. I get stuck with such assholes. But this time it hurt so much worse than it ever has. Because it was you. I never in a million years thought it'd be you who'd hurt me next. Why me? Why the hell am I treated like shit, and stepped all over? Guys treat me like shit!"
"What the hell are you talking about? Guys? What guys?! It's me!" He snapped.
"It's any guy I've dated. What Jay did. What you did. Ugh... and then Mike. He treated me bad. He was such an asshole. I promised myself I'd never get into anything like that again. I wouldn't date someone who just cheated on me like that. I wouldn't let anyone else hurt me like he did. He hurt me bad. Yet, here I am. Again... and out of all people." At that moment, after everything I said, I regretted each word. I didn't think twice about how Nicole had warned me earlier of not bringing other people into a fight.
The other line was silenced. I struggled to hear if Taylor was even there. His heavy sigh said other word. "Don't ever say that again." Taylor came out from his quiet state, talking very sternly. I wouldn't dare interrupt him now. His voice raised to almost louder than before. "You cannot compare me to him ever. I never did anything like that!"
"I didn't mean you-"
"No! He is not me." Cutting me off, he went on. "He hurt you in ways I never would. In a way I never could. That is something totally different, and I cannot believe you're even bringing that up now. You don't even have a right to."
Waiting patiently for him to finish, I didn't say a word. I had brought something unfair into the fight, and I was about to get what I deserved. I knew I'd finally hit that wrongful point in my arguments. He was mad, and had every right to be.
"If you think I am anything like him, then you need to remember what things were like between us. Look at all those goddamned pictures in your room. If you're gonna keep him in the back of your mind, and make me look like the asshole he is, then fine. I won't even try to tell you I'm sorry. I'm giving up right now. Damn it Julie, that guy was a stupid fuck and you knew it. You still know it. He did something bad. I won't try to justify what I did, but it was nothing like that. And I was there for you when it all happened. I just can't believe you would bring that up now."
After the last statement, the line went dead. He'd hung up on me. I sat there shocked. The last few weeks, it seemed like he would've done anything to talk to me on the phone. He'd just given that up. I swallowed my pride, and went against something I'd protested since we broke up. With I sigh, I attempted to call him.
I strained to think. Bewilderment filled my head until it began to hurt. All our fighting was never going to end, I could just feel it. I listened as the phone rang, and the silence of nobody picking up. I felt like screaming. This is so unfair! Defeated, I hung up the phone after about five rings.
"What Happens Now..."
