"Its.easy.to.avoid..."
"Its easy to avoid..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Everything will change
Memories will fade
Don't throw your pictures away
If I had it I'd give it all to you..."
What was I thinking? I could have taken Avery out myself to celebrate her birthday, I didn't have to actually come here. Last month, an little party like this would've been out of the question. But now? I don't know why I felt now is any different. It just... is. And here I was reluctantly, but willing, to go with Nicole. I figured it was pointless to stay away from everyone else, when they had nothing to do with me and Taylor. My stomach twisted in knots, as I looked over at Nicole for sympathy.
She returned my glance with a smile. We were both so glad school was over, and our graduation was just last week. We had both decided to stay in Tulsa for the summer, before moving into our dorms. After contemplating the huge decision of leaving for Dartmouth, I had turned my mind around, and decided to attend college here in Tulsa. It's where I really wanted to be anyway. At least for now.
Our school had a program, where you could stay in the dorms for the summer. You had to help out at the offices, along with supervising 'Smith's Private School Orientation' for upcoming freshman. It wasn't that bad. We got to stay in our own rooms as usual. A lot of our friends left to stay with their families as most usually did. Melanie and Nicole both still resided in their room for the summer. Kelly moved into her boyfriend's apartment, so I got the whole dorm room all to myself. It was great for once to not have to crash in Nicole's room so she could romp with her boyfriend, or not have to worry about fighting with her.
"Ok!" Nicole yelled, hobbling down the path. "We're both here... now the party can officially start!" We carried a few gifts, as well as a salad we'd made, walking down the rocky trail towards the shore of their property. We were running a little late, since Nicole had to buy a small thing to add to Avery's present. All last winter I would've killed to be at their summer house on the lake again, but now that I had the chance, the only thing I wanted to do was run away. Really, really fast.
Avery cheered with delight, running up to meet us and take away her gifts. We got a slight wave, or acknowledgment by mostly everyone there. Zac and Isaac were swimming with some of their friends who'd always come here with us. Taylor was nowhere in sight.
I placed our salad aside other dishes of food that decorated the table. Isaac was swimming back to the shore with Zac at tow. "Hey you two... nice of you to finally show up." He placed an arm around Nicole as she wriggled away from his wet body.
I looked over at Zac giving him a small smile. He showed surprised confusion back at me. "What?" I asked, moving closer towards him. "You can stare at me, but you can't even say hi?" I hadn't even talked to him since me and Taylor broke up. Though I saw him in the hospital when Nicole got into the accident, we hadn't said a word. A wave of guilt washed over me, regretting taking advantage of who was important to me in the first place.
He laughed at my attempt to loosen the uncomfortable air. "Sorry..." He shivered, reaching over to grab a towel off the chair and wrapping it comfortably around his waist.
"You think I was gone forever or something..." I mentioned, before walking over to Diana to help her unwrap some of the bowls of food. Avery had her little friends all circled around her, opening gifts, 'oohing' and 'ahhing' and each one in their own little way.
Dinner wasn't quite ready, so I tried to make small talk with the people that were there. A few of their aunts and uncles, cousins, and some friends that I knew from school or just from seeing them around so much. While helping Diana prepare the food, we talked over how the summer was going by, and what I'd planned to do about Dartmouth. I explained to her the whole situation of leaving, and my reasons for staying at Tulsa University this year. Walker finished emptying hamburgers and hotdogs onto a plate, signifying that dinner was ready for everyone to eat. Taylor still hadn't been down by the shore since I'd gotten here. I didn't blame him though. I don't think he wanted to see me anymore than I wanted to see him. Our last phone call had been pretty harsh when he'd hung up on me a couple weeks ago.
We all stood around the table, placing salads, macaroni and whatever else we wanted from the bowls onto our plates. Diana called Taylor again, and he finally emerged from the house, onto the upper deck. He bounded down the steps with small thuds, and Zoe on his back. She was giggling uncontrollably, as Taylor's voice added song for the moment. He looked behind at her, making sure she was secure, each laughing. He still had that same aura. His eyes lit when he watched her, and then again when he placed her in a small chair next to his mother.
"Hey Nicole. Julie." He nodded his head.
"Hi." We said in unison. I smiled weakly under the eyes of the family, who had all turned to look at me.
I was surprised. He was put together pretty well. I imagined he'd be more upset and uncomfortable by the situation playing out. I guess not...
"I'm drownin', I'm drownin'
And you're telling me to breathe
I know
And I'm blind and unkind
Is that really you..."
Later on after everyone had a chance to pile food on their plates, and were ready for seconds, I noticed Zac go set up his towel to sit by the dock. I decided to do the same, grabbing another soda for him and a bottle of water for me. As I neared him, I tripped on a rock, barely saving my plate of Avie's birthday cake from hitting the ground, or landing in his lap for that matter.
"As graceful as ever..." Zac clicked his tongue, laughing at me.
"Shut up." I smirked, settling on the ground uneasily. "So..." I placed my plate down, opening the bottle of water. "What've you been up to lately?"
He thought for a second. "Not much. Just finishing up some school work for the end of the year." Gratefully, he accepted the extra soda I handed him.
"Yea? My classes are up. Now I have all summer till I move into college."
He reached for the ground, uprooting small chunks of grass. The sun was beginning to set fast in the distance, and a tiny breeze blew my hair into my face. "Tay told me about that. Are you really going that far?" He asked.
Hearing his name, I glanced over at Taylor, who was winking and making faces at Zoe, and calling Avery birthday girl at every chance. "I honestly thought about it. A lot. But I don't think so. Not anymore... With all that happened with Nicole. It just made me realize a lot of things. I need to be here with everyone that I love. I'd miss the rest of you too much. Besides, if something happened to any of you, I don't know how easily I could get down here. College tuition is a lot more than I'd thought. I don't think I could scrape up enough money to afford the plane ticket." I smiled, trying to lighten the sad situation I imagined.
"You know you'd never have to worry about a plane ticket. We'd send you one anytime you needed it." He said seriously. "But I didn't think you should leave anyway." He stated, moving the grass between his fingers. Small beads of sweat formed on his neck.
"Why not?"
"Cause, you should just be around here. This is where you belong anyway. And you and Tay… well, you should stick around for him too." I watched him as his eyes flickered from the sun.
Oh yay... Another person who's voicing their opinions on what I'm doing wrong, and why Taylor should be 'taken back.' "I don't know about that." I brushed some sand off my shorts.
"Don't let him fool you. He isn't as composed as you may think. He's got a lot of control because everyone's here, and you're around. But you should've seen him some times, especially when you two first broke up. We were dragging his ass outta bed, cause he refused to do anything. It was annoying. The only thing he put effort into was his music, and that was just obvious why." He stated, before tying his hair behind him.
"Really?"
He shook his head. "You know how he is..." He looked up. Isaac and his friends were already swimming again. Nicole was beginning to jump off their raft when someone else came behind her to throw her in.
My eyes turned to Taylor, who was pulling his shirt over his head as fast as he could, before getting into the water. We both just kinda watched him swim out there. He was ducking his head in and out of the water, getting his hair out of his face. As soon as he pulled himself onto the raft, he tied his hair lowly to the nape of his neck, unbeknown to him that he was being watched.
Bringing his attention back to me, Zac spoke up. "I can't believe things are really over between you two, and the both of you have basically given up on each other..." His head shook with disappointment.
"Yea, well... you can't understand unless it's happened to you."
"I'm not trying to understand either of you anymore... I think you guys make it more complicated than it actually is. I can tell every time you guys get into a fight, cause he just gets so moody. Can you ever see you guys being friends and not fighting every two seconds?"
There was a moment of silence, as I sat there watching the grass. A light breeze ran across my neck brushing at a few hairs. I myself, wasn't even sure how to answer that. So... I didn't. Maybe he'd get the hint to change the subject. I waited, but that didn't happen either.
I smirked at him. "Why do you always to that to me?"
"What?"
"Make me think, and most of the time, make me feel stupid afterwards."
He shrugged with a serious face, before I punched him lightly. He laughed out loud. "How're you and Erica doing?" I asked curiously.
"We broke up."
"Again?"
"Don't act so surprised!" A large grin spread across his face. "Yea, about 2 weeks ago now. Its finally over this time, she was just getting on my nerves."
"I'm sorry..."
"Its ok. I'm not that sad, really. I mean, it's actually cool. I can look at other girls now..." He stated eagerly. "The summer's here, and we're going to do a few things in New York and L.A., but mainly just stick around here. I've got it all set on what I want to do..." He paused for a second. "...Absolutely nothing."
"If you want, you can go in..." I gestured towards the water where everyone else was.
"Sure," he stood up, holding out a hand to help me up. "Thanks for the meaningful talk..." Smirking, he threw his towel on the chair nearby.
We began walking towards the bench where Diana was busy wiping down the tables. "Zac, honey..." She called after him. "Rebecca called not that long ago. You shouldn't have given the lake house phone number out." She said sternly, giving him a look. "She said to call her back."
"Sorry mom..." He turned to me with a familiar wink in his eye. "See what I mean?! Other girls." He laughed, exageratingly punching his fist in the air. He was in the water not much later swimming out to meet everyone else.
I chose to stay behind and help clean up a little. Most of their family had left, those who were still occupying the water were all friends of the guys. I carried some trash up into the house, meeting Diana in the small kitchen area.
"Thanks Julie. You can just leave that there for Walker to throw into the car to take back with us. The trashmen don't come around here." She kept busy washing more of the large bowls that had held food. I took them from her to dry and place in an upper cabinet.
One by one, everyone began to come in, walking into the bathroom to change out of their bathing suits. Taylor was the first in, and the first out. After changing, Zac and Isaac pulled out a deck of cards, showing Nicole some game they'd learned on the road. The younger kids were sitting, eyes glued to the small TV, watching an old re-run of a Nickelodeon special. Drying off my hands, I settled down next to Nicole to play the game with them. About an hour passed, and I decided losing wasn't really my favorite thing to do. I stood up, looking out the windows onto the lake. Taylor was standing outside alone on the dock. Deciding to make my way down the back porch steps towards him, I figured now was as good of time as any to apologize for what I'd said on the phone. The only reason I was nervous was because I knew I'd been wrong...
"Alone in your prayer
Sayin' this isn't fair
I hope you don't think
I really don't care
And I'm lyin' in bed
I think of what you just said..."
He stood there, aimlessly throwing pebbles into it. Each plopped in, rippling small waves. My sandals echoed as they hit the wooden platform.
He saw me, but returned his attention back to the water. "Julie?" Taylor questioned quietly, as I sat down on the edge hanging my feet over.
"What?"
He sat down next to me, and his hand brushed against mine. We both pulled away faster, making the conditions even more uncomfortable. "What're you doing here?" He asked flatly not exactly directing his eyes towards me.
It came as a surprise at first, but I understood where he was coming from. "Its Avery's birthday. Where else would I go?"
He looked at me through the corner of his eyes, before shrugging. "I dunno... just didn't think you would come here. You haven't been here in awhile."
I relaxed a little, though his stare was uncomfortable. "I know. I'm good at avoiding things, I guess..." I looked up at the sky as it began to take up a few stars, and the warm weather settled into the night.
"Yea."
"That was a really nice necklace you got Avie. Even if your mom wont let her wear it yet."
"Thanks... it reminded me a lot of something you'd wear. Or what you used to wear when we were younger. You know, that locket with the pictures in it?"
It didn't take me long to remember the small necklace that had decorated my neck for so long. I hadn't worn that thing since I was 12 though. "I remember that. I never took it off."
"I know." He smiled, reaching over to grab more rocks. Soon after, he continued throwing those into the water along with the others.
I returned the smile warmly.
"I heard Erica and Zac broke up." I mentioned.
He rolled his eyes. "Yea... she felt it wasn't working out, so she dumped him."
"Zac told me they broke up cause she got on his nerves..."
"Yea right!" He chuckled. "That's what he wish happened. He knows... he just refuses to admit it."
"What a little liar... "
"No kidding..." A familiar smirk fit his face as he stared straight ahead looking out into the water again.
I slightly relaxed some more, leaning over to stare into the water curiously. "I can't believe school is over with. Graduation was so nice..."
"I know. You guys got the best day for it. The ceremony was cool too... Kinda boring, but they always are."
"You went?"
"Yea... I was there with Isaac, Zac, and my parents."
"You should've come say hi."
"Nah... you were having a good time with your friends. It was your night anyway..."
I smiled, "I cant believe you remembered when it was."
"Isaac would never let me forget because of Nicole. Besides, you repeated it to me about twenty times a day, and in about every single letter you wrote." He paused for a second, but went on. "You and Nicole had plenty of Hanson family support there."
"I didn't expect your parents to come."
"Are you kidding me? They've known you almost as much as we have. They wouldn't have missed it." He assured me.
"Well, I don't know about that one. But I'm glad you guys all came." I looked over at him, as he stared into my eyes.
"Me too..." He offered back, not taking his eyes away.
I took in a sharp breath. "Listen Tay, I'm really sorry about that whole thing on the phone. I really shouldn't have said all that stuff. I didn't mean it..."
"Yea, me too. Maybe going off like that wasn't the best thing to do, and I probably should've answered the phone after. I was actually yelling around to who ever was home to not answer the damn thing..." He admitted sheepishly.
I shrugged. "It's ok... I deserved it. I'm sure you get sick of hearing me get upset every time we're around each other."
"Believe me... I'm just glad to be 'around each other.'" He affirmed.
"I know you probably hate me telling you, and everyone else for that matter, to get over it."
"I don't really know how to explain it Jules... I mean, you tell me its over." I stared at the ripples in the water, and I felt his eyes on me. "I have Ike on my back telling me to give things time, I tell myself go out and forget about you, and I have all my friends dragging me to parties to just basically get drunk and let things go. I wish I could just stop trying to get you to talk to me, but I can't." Sitting with both my palms flat on the dock, I looked past my shoulder over at him. "I don't know how to let you go..." His voice trailed off to almost inaudible.
I flushed a little, finding it hard to believe I had that sort of effect on him. The corners of my mouth began to tug into a small smile, but I pushed it away. The whole lake suddenly seemed more peaceful. Everything was quiet; I was aware of everything and nothing all at the same time. Looking at Taylor, I couldn't even bring myself to blink my eyes. Somehow, he'd always had that affect on me. And he knew it. His deep eyes locked onto mine, as I watched him lean closer to me. Somehow, I found the strength to do it too. I was becoming increasingly aware that his hand had covered mine, and was rubbing it softly with his thumb. I knew indefinitely that this was wrong, as I allowed my lips to slightly part. My eyelids slowly began to flutter, not sure what was even going to happen at this exact moment...
"Julie?"
My mind awakened me, and I pulled away, immediately standing up. "Yea?" I questioned into the open air, towards the darkness of their cottage.
I heard Nicole's voice distantly, as she yelled from her post in the front. "You down there?" I squinted, not even seeing her in sight. "Time to go. I gotta get home to change for the concert."
"Ok, I'll be there in a second..." I looked at Taylor, who had obviously been startled by what had just played out between us. He slowly stood up, brushing the rest of the rocks into the water. "I guess I better get going." I mentioned, wondering if he could hear the mixed emotions in my voice as much as I could feel them. God Julie, you're such an idiot!
"I can drive you home later."
"No... I should leave with Nicole..." Silently I was cursing myself for even letting this happen. I was crazy; it was just mean to lead Taylor on like I'd basically done.
"How about we go out for ice cream or something?" He gave me a hopeful smile.
No, I cant. Not yet. "Nah... I really should be getting back. But I'll call you later, 'k?"
"Julie, you say that and you know you'll never call."
"I get busy a lot." I tried an excuse. Not exactly one of my best.
"You don't get busy, you just never want to talk." Taking on a different tone, his voice changed from the nice guy he was a few minutes ago.
"I'm sorry I let you down sometimes Taylor. I just know every time we talk, we fight."
"Its because you turn everything into a fight. Every time I want to talk about us, you argue..."
"There is no us." I said sternly, emphasizing deeply on the us part. "And let's just not turn this into another argument."
"Hell, why should tonight be any different. We might as well fight with my whole family around this time. We fight in front of everyone else. Isaac's heard it, so has Nicole and Zac. Now my parents can hear it too!"
Here we go again. My efforts on keeping this a calm night were fruitless. Yet another fight. I know I was sick of this already... "What are you doing, trying to make everything known?"
"No... But I don't really care anymore who hears us." He retorted.
"We'll I'm sorry I do!"
He smirked uncaringly. "Good for you..." And with that, he shut me out. Grabbing a rock that sat idly on the dock, he attempted the skip it across the water. His attention had already diverted to something other than me.
"What's your problem?! We were actually being civil to each other until you ruined it."
"I ruined it?! I didn't ruin anything. I'm just sick of trying. I don't know what you want me to do anymore. I'm tired of chasing you around, apologizing about everything I've ever done to hurt you. It's very tiring... Is there anything you want from me, so I can finally get over everything?"
I stood there shocked. "I don't want anything from you. Put yourself in my shoes. All I ever asked was for you to just tell me how you were feeling? Is that so hard? You cover everything up! I've always told you so much. I was never afraid to let you know what I was thinking. I ask you to do the same, and somehow it's incomprehensible..." How many times was I going to repeat the same basic things to him. I didn't want to hear sorry, all I wanted was to hear what was going through his head during all of this... Everytime he began to talk, our fights ruined it.
Nicole came down the path at about as fast of a pace as she could muster with her still sensitive ankle. "Maybe you two should keep it down. The whole lake can hear you." She said grimly, looking us both over.
Taylor rolled his eyes, running his hands roughly through his hair. "I think we're done anyway." He basically had just dismissed us from his presence.
"C'mon, let's go." I said through clenched teeth, as I walked past Nicole, and up the rocky path. This was more than enough for one night...
"Well I feel like I'm dyin'
And you're walkin' away from me
There's no use to keep tryin'
When you're walking away from me..."
Going on...
*Music credits: Pound, "Walking Away."
-Thanks Cindy!
