"There's.nothing.more.to.say...You.can't.change.the.past.-2"
"There's nothing more to say... You can't change the past.-2"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I kind of stood there awkwardly for a second, trying to decide what direction to turn to. This wasn't the best place to have a quiet conversation, nor was it the place to say anything private. "Um... how about we go over there behind that concession stand? There's a small bench and a little open area. I'm sure nobody's even around."
He nodded his head, strolling behind me as I walked over. The sky was only getting darker, and the lights weren't doing much for this small closed in area. I turned to face him.
"Um..." I dug my foot into the ground. "I just wanted," I stammered, "I kinda wanted to talk about us."
"There is no us, remember?" He put bluntly, his voice void from emotion.
I reminded myself of the last time we'd talked. My nervousness wouldn't go away, just as I'd thought. Who was Nicole to tell me this would be easy?
I opened my mouth to speak again, but Taylor beat me to it. "Julie, our track record isn't that good. And I really don't want to fight tonight. So can we just put this off for now?" His hands were stuffed in his pockets, as he stared at my foot digging deeper into the ground.
"What makes you think I came to fight?"
"I don't. I just don't want to..."
"Me neither... I wanted to talk about what you did."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what."
"Oh…" He realized, "that?"
"Yea, that."
"Did you read it?"
Shrugging my shoulders, he looked me in the eyes. "I started to..." I looked away.
"And?"
"I couldn't. I just can't read something that personal."
His shoulders slumped as he sadly sat on the small bench. "Why cant you just read it?" He asked, his voice quavering. I searched his face for what exactly he was talking about. I hated causing him this pain. "What else am I supposed to do?" He threw his hands up in the air, looking straight at me. His eyes glossed over, as he held my stare. There was no way he was going to let me look away. "I've tried so hard Julie..." He rubbed his eyes as if he had something irritating them.
My heart ached watching him upset like this. There were so many things I wanted to say, but they were each circling separately inside my head.
After taking a couple deep breaths, Taylor began to speak again. "I know what I did was wrong. But it was an accident. I would never purposely do anything to hurt you. You have to understand that. All we do is fight over something that happened months ago. Why? Neither of us can change what's happened." He trailed off, looking away again. He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck.
"I never tried to change it Taylor. You were the one who wouldn't get over it."
"I don't want to. I know it isn't..."
"How can you say that? I said it was."
"How can you say it's over, than do something like kiss me the other night?"
"I didn't kiss you."
"You almost did." He argued.
"Well, that was a mistake."
"Bull shit. You have to stop trying to act like this. I don't get you anymore. What the hell am I supposed to do? I thought giving you that journal was what you wanted. You wanted to know what I was thinking, well, there you go!"
I rolled my eyes. "I don't want your journal. All it did was make me want to cry."
"That wasn't why I gave it to you... You'll never understand." His eyes turned red again; I was almost waiting for him to get upset.
"No, you don't understand. I always thought I needed you..." I started. "and you've always tried to protect me from getting hurt... it scared me to know that things weren't going to be the same and you were the one that had hurt me. I've always been able to hide behind you if something was bothering me. But, while all of this was going on, I kinda learned that I can do a lot more without you. I've always had a boyfriend. I didn't know what it was like without one.. I'm through with feeling like I needed to be taken care of, cause I can do it myself. I don't need to depend on you being there for me; I don't need you anymore..." I watched, hoping he'd get what I was saying, and allowing it to all sink in.
Letting a few moments draw out in silence, I waited for the right moment to go on. I wanted him to try and contemplate what I'd said. I was about to speak, but he decided he had to say few things.
"Ok... I understand, I guess. And it's ok. Listen, I gotta go. I knew coming here was a bad idea. I'm sorry I'm acted like this, I shouldn't let myself get upset in front of you... It's just hard to get over something like this. But I promise, no more... " With that, he was finished.
My mouth dropped open, as Taylor started to walk away. All I did was watch him, helplessly. My full intention was to go on before he had insisted on telling me what he thought.
"Wait Taylor." I walked closer to him, blocking his path. "Are you going to let me finish?"
"What's the point? I doubt there's much more to say."
"There is."
He shrugged, slumping back down on the bench. He sadness from the moment had diminished, as he looked as composed as ever. I never knew how he could do that.
"I'm just as much tired of this as you are." I sat next to him on the bench. "And I do miss you Tay.... Just because I don't need you there, doesn't mean I dont want you there. I'm just scared."
"What the hell is there to be scared about?"
I shook my head. "Everything. Things could never be like they used to."
"They don't have to."
I turned to face him. "It's easier for you to say."
"So some bad things've happened, but you know what. Oh well... that how life is. You just move on. I'll make things better, I promise."
I looked down at the peeling paint on the bench. "I don't think I can trust you as much. You have to understand that."
"I do, believe me. But I'll prove to you that you can."
"I know it's hard to act as if nothing's happened, but let's try and not hold onto all of this. I rather feel as if we just took a break or something..."
"What do you mean?" He asked hesitantly.
"I think we've both said things we regret, and I want to forget about it all."
"Are you serious?"
I shook my head, biting my lower lip. My head stayed focused on the ground. My reserve had finally dropped, as I let a stream of tears fall down my cheeks.
He lifted my chin, wiping a stray tear that slipped down my cheek.
"One thing-" I mentioned quietly.
"Anything..."
"If there's a problem, I want to know. No more keeping things hidden. I don't want to read your journal, I just want to talk about it."
"I'll do what I can." He assured me, rubbing his thumb against the side of my cheek.
I smiled, leaning in to kiss him for the first time in months. Putting my hands on the back of his neck, I placed my lips directly to his. He took his hands off my face, and traced them gently down my back. My head turned slightly sideways, opening my mouth to gently let my tongue meet with his. Locking my lips with his one last time, I slowly pulled away. My arms wrapped tightly around him, as he lightly kissed my collarbone and moved up to my jawbone just below my ear.
He smiled at me, as I stood up. "Want to go watch the fireworks now?"
I nodded, as he turned to walk back towards the middle of the field where his family was. He walked slightly ahead, glancing every once in awhile to look behind at me. I tentatively grabbed his hand, as he held onto it tighter. Nicole saw us, and smiled at me. She sat next to Isaac, playing with his shirt. Zac was sitting the same way he was when I left. Each were waiting for the fireworks to start.
Taylor sat down next to Nicole, and I backed into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, as I leaned back to look up at the sky. I listened to Zac talk about another girl he'd just met, and how as soon as he got his license in a few months, he'd drive her around to anywhere she'd want to go.
I laughed about how naïve he was, and wondered if he'd ever figure out things aren't always as perfect as they seem. He had no clue that he'd go through a lot more heartbreak in his teen years. He was still young.
I looked over at Nicole, as she smiled at Isaac. He leaned into to kiss her gently. I secretly thanked God that I had both of them. When Nicole had gotten into her accident, I didn't know what I'd do. I was glad I'd made the decision to stay right here in Tulsa where I'd belong. Dartmouth would always be there, I didn't have to go right now.
I loud noise went off, as the sky was sprayed with hues of red, white and blue. Star like forms highlighted the evening, as we all watched in awe. I moved my head to the side, as Taylor leaned down to gently plant a kiss on the curve of my neck. When Taylor and me used to be friends, people would ask me if Taylor was my boyfriend. I grinned, never thinking that I could be in love with him like I thought I had been with other guys. (Or just one other guy). But then I realized, anything before this was comfort. I was never in love before Taylor. I reached over and linked my fingers between his. His eyes drifted, as he smiled down on me. This was the way it was supposed to be.
So my crystal ball wasn't clearer than anyone else's. I didn't know what was going to happen next year anymore than I knew what was going to happen next month. I had no clue if I was going to be with Taylor next year, but at that moment, I had all intentions of trying to make that happen. As for Nicole and Isaac, things were about the same way. Isaac used to think he was doomed to be 'lonely old Ike' for the rest of his life, but Nicole had turned a lot of things around for him.
And as for Zac? Well... he's Zac. What am I supposed to think?
I looked up at the fireworks, thinking about everything that had happened over the last few months. I was definitely glad to see it finally done with, and have me back in Taylor's arms. It felt right this way. I knew for a little bit my nerves would be up, and it might be a little hard to begin trusting him like I used too. But Taylor meant well. I knew he was truly sorry for all that'd happen.
I could finally put all those pictures back into the frames. Redecorate my dorm a little. I was the only one staying there now. Now Taylor and me could spend more time alone in there.
I watched the sky more, as Taylor wrapped his eyes tighter around me. Avie and Mackie ran in circles, throwing their colored sticks into the air, as Zoe giggled endlessly. I knew that there would be so much complicated things I'd have to go through in life, but I hoped things would be a little tame for a while. I was sick of things turning out to be some kind of over dramatic soap opera. That wasn't me. I loved how my life used to be, and should be from now on. My simple little life here in Tulsa, attending Tulsa University, rooming with my best friend, dating my other best friend. All I wanted to worry about now was college.
I sighed out of pure joy for the moment. Taylor's voice brought me back to reality, as he whispered into my ear over the loud fireworks. "So... what happens now?" He smirked at me, his voice questioning the smile that had spread across my face.
"I don't know..." I smiled at him.
"Sure...." He looked back up at the sky. "You know," he spoke, not taking his eyes off the sky, "I was going up to the cabin to spend the night alone. You could accompany me if you want..." He suggested jokingly.
Looking at him, I raised my brow. I watched him pout, giving me a puppy dog look. I sat up a little, as he rested his arms on my stomach. "Sounds good to me..." I agreed.
He smirked a little. "Uh huh..." Lowering his voice, he sang along to the music in the background, rocking back and forth. The firework show started to die down, as his voice moved softly through me...
The fireworks ended, as the field lights came back on, helping us actually see what we were doing. We stood up, folding a blanket in half, and placing it in a bag. I accepted the other blanket from Isaac, stuffing it in the bag as well.
I began walking with Nicole towards their cars in the parking lot, as Taylor came up besides me, taking hold of my hand. "You know... I wasn't serious about earlier, and you coming to the lake house with me. You really don't have to, I was kidding..."
I clicked my tongue. "Aww, too bad. I wasn't." I frowned jokingly.
"Really?" He checked, a little over excited with the proposition.
I nodded, smiling over at him.
"You sure?"
"I'm positive." I smirked, as I watched him walk faster up to his parents, mentioning that he still planned to sleep 'alone in the lake house.
Who knows if was prepared for what was going to happen after tonight... As of now, I could care less. I really didnt want to be anywhere but where I was. You're never really ready for what happens next anyways...
"What Happens Now?
