"There's.nothing.more.to.say... You.can't.change.the.past."
"There's nothing more to say... You can't change the past."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
"You coming to the firework with us tonight?" Nicole asked. I wiped my eyes drearily, looking down at my outfit of boxer and an old ORU shirt I'd gotten from my dad awhile back. Rain had come down like sheets last night, leading to a desolate morning. I'd stayed curled up in my bed all day, not bothering to change. I was actually disappointed that the sun was now coming out.
"Well, that depends..." Setting down my bowl of cereal, I looked over at her suspectingly. "Who's 'us '?"
She rolled her eyes. "Me, Isaac, and basically everyone else in his fami-"
"No thanks." I quipped. She had tried her best not to say Taylor's name, but contrary to what some may think, I am not stupid.
"Julie! You had fun the other night at the party, why can't you go now? From what Isaac says, you guys do this every year on the fourth of July."
"We do. Or at least we used to. The other night was different. It was for Avery. And about the party... I wouldn't exactly call it fun. You saw what happened with me Taylor." She'd seen the fighting, but she had no clue about the almost kiss between us. (Well, not unless Isaac had kept his big mouth shut.) I was hoping Taylor was realizing the kiss was an accident like I was, but I didn't know. Isaac made things seem as though Tay could've seen it as a ray of light. Tay did that a lot.
"I'm supposed to meet Isaac down there in a couple hours. You're gonna miss out on all the fun."
I shrugged. "I'm sure I'll be fine. I'll just sit at home and watch a movie or something."
Frowning at me, she grabbed a glass to pour herself a drink. "Ugh... on a Saturday night? You know you'd rather hang with us." Her frown never left her face.
Trying my best to change the subject, I poked at some flowers enviously, as they sat on Nicole's counter. "These are really pretty... Where'd you get them?"
"Isaac gave them to me last night." She sat on an opposite counter, drinking orange juice from a glass.
"Tay never did anything like that for no reason... I always had to be mad at him." I sulked jealously.
"Julie... he would, you know he would. Just give him a chance to." I looked up at her, as she began to speak. "You should've heard him last night at the concert. My friend Allison had to listen to him talk about you the whole time… and she wasn't even interested in him! Poor guy. All she wanted to do was leave. He even ended up complaining to her about not being given a second chance..."
"He doesn't deserve another chance. Taylor-"
"Oh!" She placed her drink down, hopping off the counter. "Duh..." Mumbling to herself, she walked over to her bed, pulling at the bag that sat there. "Taylor asked me to give this to you last night. I completely forgot about it." Aimlessly, she tossed the book over towards me.
"Oh my God!" I jumped off the counter to stand in front of her, not even having to analyze the notebook. I knew exactly what it was. "Do you understand what this is?!" I exclaimed, as I tried my best not to project my voice throughout her room.
Nicole stared at me in confusion. "I haven't the slightest idea..."
This was the sole possession of Taylor that he kept under a watchful eye. Yet he'd given it to me. The plain black notebook, with his name scribbled on the inside cover, followed by many dates and feelings. His journal.
"I have to go." I immediately moved en route for the door.
"Where?"
"Just to my room."
She gave me another look, as I paced quickly out and across the hall. I walked into my empty room, trying to clear my mind of the thoughts that always came up when I was thinking of Taylor. I turned the small lamp on, and flopped down on my stomach at the end of my bed.
I opened it to the first page, where a yellow sticky note was stuck to the inner cover.
Dear Julie,
The whole time we've been apart, you've pressed at me to tell you how I'm feeling. I've just never been good with that. I know at times I've been able to tell you things, but this is different. I understand you need to know. I guess this is the only way. I trust you enough.
--Taylor
I ran my fingers over the cardboard cover, noticing the dates from over two years ago till today. I turned the pages quickly, searching for any sign that might show what happened after he was with that girl. What he felt, what he thought he was going to do, anything...
I couldn't comprehend what was going through my mind. He poured his heart into this book, which I always felt would get him nowhere. As I looked over his words, I wanted cry. I never knew he had so much weighing on his mind. He worried about everything. About his future, about me, his family, the music... anything he could possibly worry about, he did.
My eyes stopped reading. I couldn't do this. This wasn't mine. This was all Taylor, and it belonged to him. I didn't want to read something he wrote in without any inhibitions. I laid down on my bed, trying to sort everything that'd gone on.
Taylor was trying, doing the best he could. This was his last resort; the only other thing he could show for. I imagined him laying on the couch, worrying about what I was thinking. Or trying to play some song on his keyboard, but couldn't put it to words. I'd been putting him through hell.
Setting the book down, I stared at the cover. He hadn't sent another letter with it, or told me he still loved me on that little, yellow, sticky note. He'd just wanted it hand delivered for reading. I shut my eyes, as I tried to think of what I could do.
Getting up out of bed, I walked to my closet to grab some clothes. I made my way to the bathroom, turning on the water of the shower. I stepped into the steam, letting it warm me, fill my nostrils, and relax my body.
I just had to get Taylor to understand what's been going through my mind, cause I think I finally understood his. It's not that I couldn't forgive him; I just didn't know how to get over it, and forget everything.
Nicole was gone by the time I had gotten out of the shower, and ready to go. Grabbing the notebook off the bed, I threw it in my black purse, and ran over to the car waiting for me in the parking lot.
I had called Nicole's aunt, asking her to drop me off at their house on her way over to a barbecue. My car had been over-heating each time I used it this week, and I didn't want to take the chance of it happening again. I knew I could always get a ride home with someone if all else failed.
Though the van wasn't in the driveway, and neither was Taylor's jeep, I rushed up their front steps, knocking persistently on the door. Somebody had to be home in this house. It was never totally empty unless they were out of town or it was a Sunday morning.
Isaac, feeling no need to rush, nonchalantly opened the door as I invited myself in past him. "Hi." I smiled quickly, looking around for signs of his brother. "Is Taylor here?"
"Nope." Walking past me, he went into the kitchen to throw some soda cans into a cooler.
"What do you mean he isn't home?!"
He looked up from the bag of ice he was dumping out into the blue cooler fit to serve his entire family. "I don't know what you want me to say Julie..." He returned his concentration on the plastic bag. "He's not here."
Ugh... I was so frustrated. I wasn't exactly going to walk around Tulsa to find him, and I couldn't stick around the house for him to waltz in at his curfew.
"Just tell him I came by to talk." I requested, hoping he'd invite me along with him down to the fireworks.
"Oh really... for what reason?" His eyebrows rose, peaked with interest by what I'd said. He seemed to be rather amused by the way I was handling this situation.
I studied him for a second. "I don't know."
"Well..." He began to drag the cooler behind him as he walked. "I'm off to go see the fireworks down at Union High. Everyone else, including Taylor, is already there, sitting on the football field. You can join me if you want..."
"Please." I grabbed the other handle on the cooler and lifted it off the ground. "I'd love to come."
"Good. Everyone will be happy to see you there anyway." He smiled back at me.
Union was a good fifteen minutes away from their house. I fidgeted in the front seat, staring out the window. It was the perfect night for the small fair Union High hosted every year in their student parking lot. It had been a tradition long since I remembered, and since I'd ever lived here, that we went down to the high school football field to watch the fireworks. The parking lot was packed, as Isaac drove around looking for a spot. I whipped the sun visor down, and studied my hair in the mirror, flattening it with my hands, and pushing some behind my ears.
"What are you so worked up for?"
"I'm nervous!"
"About what?"
"Everything... Taylor. I need to talk to him. I'm gonna go talk to him right now." I didn't move from the comfort of my spot in the passenger seat.
"Ok..." He smiled, rolling up the windows, and opening his door.
"Wait!" I sat still, looking over at him.
"What?"
"Can't we just sit here a couple more minutes?"
Isaac laughed, ignoring my pleas, and getting out of the car. He popped the trunk, as I walked over to help him, slamming my door shut. "Relax, ok?" He offered a smile, lifting the cooler out of the trunk. "You have nothing at all to worry about, believe me." He assured, as I took the other handle of the cooler again. We wobbled over to where the football field was. It was packed already, as many families had blankets and chairs spread out.
Most of the time, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac would refrain from going out into big crowds like this. But on the 4th of July it was only tradition. Most of the people here they knew, Union High was school to many of their friends. Isaac said hello to a few, as we searched the grounds for his family.
I caught a glimpse of Mackie running around with an orange light stick, and pointed him out to Isaac. We watched him make his rounds for a few more seconds, before running over to a blanket and lying down at the bottom of Nicole's feet. There were two other blankets spread out next to them. Mr. and Mrs. Hanson sat beside each other, talking to a man a few feet away. I didn't see Taylor anywhere.
"Where is he?" I whispered, as we walked closer to the blanket. "You said he'd be here..."
"I thought he was. He left following my parents, and I don't think he'd miss this." I looked over at him, as he moved his head back and forth, checking out the other people littered on the field.
I put my head down, as we finally arrived at the 'Hanson Family Blanket.' Nicole saw me, and pushed at the blanket over to the side. "Hey Jules, I didn't think you were coming. Sit down." She smiled at me, as Isaac leaned down to kiss her quickly on the lips. "Hey babe." She turned her attention back to me. "So... you disappeared earlier after I gave you that notebook. What's up?"
His journal wasn't really intended for many people to know about, or the fact that I had it. "I've been doing a lot a thinking, and I've reconsidered a lot more. That book he gave was his journal. He wanted me to read it. He said if I really wanted to know how he was feeling, that was the only way." She widened her eyes as I talked. Isaac came up and sat next to her. "I guess after thinking so much, I've figured enough is enough. So I came down here with Isaac. You know... I just thought a lot about what you've said, and what everyone else has said to me. I guess I finally realized this has been dragged on long enough; though there's a lot more that needs to be said. This isn't all over yet.
We just have to stop all of this fighting. I came down here to go somewhere to talk to him, I'm not really sure what to expect..." She smiled at me, giving me a hug. "Yea, and I-"
"You should've seen how anxious she was in the car coming over here." He laughed, as shot him a look. "Sorry..." He said, through a smile.
"Yea, so anyways, I was coming here to talk to him, but he isn't here." I shrugged, glancing around again. "I don't know. I had my courage worked up and everything."
"Yea right!" Isaac laughed again, as I looked over at him.
"Would you shut up already!" I finally cracked a smile.
"He's here though. He just took Zoe to the bathroom, should be back any minute now."
I sighed, but I wasn't really sure if it was out of relief. I don't know why I was so uneasy about talking to him. Maybe I was just nervous of how things could turn out. Every time I thought I could sit and seriously think things through with him, I'd get so aggravated.
A local band played songs, as the sky got darker. Fifteen minutes later, and Taylor still hadn't come back. "Maybe he's just walking around..." Isaac offered. Sure enough, not much longer after he'd said that, Taylor began sauntering across the field with Zoe in tow on his back. He was singing something to her lightly, as she held a sipping cup in her hands. Her mouth was stained red from the Kool-Aid inside the container. Taylor caught a glimpse of me sitting with Isaac, and sighed a little. Walking over to his parents he set Zoe down, and sat beside her with his back facing me. He was trying to act as if I wasn't there, though he knew the closeness in proximity I was. He wiped her mouth off with a cloth, and talked to her softly, pointing at the sky. She giggled, imitating each thing he did.
I desperately tried to hear what they were saying, but I couldn't strain my ears that much over the music. "Julie... go on over and say something." Nicole urged the moment he sat down.
My hands were sweating. I couldn't believe I had butterflies in my stomach over something so stupid as talking to Taylor. "I will in a second..."
She rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to Isaac. Zac whistled lightly to himself, as he came to sit down beside me. Taylor looked over at us again, frowning this time. "What's up?" Zac asked, sitting Indian style at the edge of the blanket. I smiled at him, scooting over a little to make some room. "Somebody should tell Taylor that you're supposed to have fun at these kinds of things. He doesn't look too happy."
"Would you be happy if you were sitting over there by yourself?" Nicole asked.
"Nothing's stopping him from coming over here to sit."
"Well... if somebody would just go over there and talk to him, he'd probably would have a better time." She looked over at me, as Isaac and Zac turned their heads to do the same.
"Aww... Julie. Go talk to Taylor..." Zac cooed, making faces at me.
"Shhh..." I hushed him, "I don't want him hearing you."
"Julie..." He whined a little louder. "What's wrong?"
"Zac, if you don't shut up, I swear I'll kick you ass." I stated.
"Yea right."
"Wanna make a bet?"
He shrugged, looking away. I pushed him over on his stomach, sitting on his back. I looked down at him pathetically. Nicole just sat there laughing with Isaac. "See... Zaccy-"
"Zac."
I patted his head. "Whatever. Zac. Just remember, no matter what you do, I can always take you down. Am I right?"
"Get off me, I can't breathe."
I hit him as he pushed me off. "Ha! I can take you..." He reclaimed his spot on the blanket looking back at Taylor. Zac faked a pout looking towards him, then back to me, and back at him again. I swiped at him, as he dodged my hand.
"Just go over there already." Nicole stated, as Isaac shook his head agreeing.
"Fine, ok? I'm going, I'm going..." I stood up slowly, brushing off the grass Zac had thrown on my jeans. I straightened my pale pink tank top, and looked down at Nicole. "Do I look ok?"
"Perfect," She smiled.
I pushed some hair behind my ears, and walked over to Taylor. He was busy tying his hair back at the nape of his neck. His back was facing me, but Zoe noticed my walking over quickly. "Julsie!" She squealed, running over with her rainbow glowing ring hooked around her neck.
Scooping her up, I lifted her off the ground. "Hey you... how've you been?" I kissed the side of her head, before carrying her back over to the blanket. Taylor didn't take a second glance at the two of us, but gave his concentration to the fuzz on the blanket.
Bending my knees, I lowered myself down to come into eye contact with him. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" I asked quietly.
"I guess..." He stood up slowly, noting to Zoe that he'd be right back.
Going on...
