"Dont.let.your.feelings.go...-2"
"Dont let your feelings go...-2"
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The car was silent, as we drove home. I wasn't sure what to talk about, and Taylor looked like he had other things on his mind. I smiled at him, as he drove, his thoughts somewhere else. He pulled into the side parking lot near our dorms.
"You want to come up?"
"Aren't there rules against that? I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't let guys up in your rooms at like 11pm on a Friday night. They know you aren't studying..."
"Well, yea, there are rules. Who's allowed in the rooms, at certain times, and only certain people."
"And 11 is ok?"
"Not really, but who cares. Nobody'll know, and our floor monitors are asleep. They wouldn't care either way." I said, getting out of the car, hoping he'd follow. I was happy to see him open his door. "Just don't talk till we're in my room." I said, allowing him to come up behind me.
I let myself in the door, and made my way up the stairs and down the hall. Taylor cautiously followed behind me, his hands placed casually in his pockets. I opened the door, as he walked in. I shut it, and locked it behind him. Walking over to a table, I switched a small lamp on, and allowed a dim light to flood the room.
"What about your roommate?" Taylor whispered.
"You can talk normal now, it's ok..." I smiled. "She's at her boyfriends. She usually doesn't come in on weekends."
He sat down on my bed, untucking his shirt, and loosening up his tie. I smiled at him. His shirt now all wrinkled, the front of it hanging out. He pushed his hair lightly out of his face.
"So..." He stared at me as I poured a small drink.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Then why are you staring?"
"Cause you looked good tonight. I was jealous. Everyone was checking you out..."
I laughed. "Yea right. Besides our normal friends, it was a bunch of old men."
"Well, those old men were something else." He laughed.
"I'm gonna go get out of this skirt. I'll be right back." I said, opting to keep the black top I had on, and grabbing some jeans from a drawer.
"Can I help?"
"Maybe some other time Romeo."
I emerged a few seconds later, to find him still sitting on the small couch, watching some movie playing on the small television. I took the spot next to him, laying my head down on his lap, and looking up at him. He brushed his fingers through my hair, keeping his eyes on the TV screen.
"Interesting movie?" I asked.
"Not really." He grabbed the channel changer, pressing a button, and placed it lightly on the floor. He looked over at the window, and the black sky. Again it looked as though his mind was somewhere else, as he breathed lightly, not making much for conversation.
I took it upon myself. "So, when were you planning on telling me about New York."
He faced down to look at me. "Care to cite that information?"
"Zac told me while we were dancing."
"Yea, well remind me to have a talk to him later."
"Don't." I said, placing a hand on his arm. "He didn't mean too... I don't want to cause anymore trouble between you." Taylor acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. "Its not that hard to realize you don't want to be around each other much."
"I know."
"So what happened between you two?"
"Nothing..." He stated.
"Ok..." He didn't want to go in it, and I didn't want him to tell me things he didn't want too. I sat up from his lap.
He sighed, placing two hands on his knees, and standing up. He walked over to the window he was staring at it only moments ago. A dim light in the parking lot, noting Taylor's jeep parked to other cars. "You know, I thought a lot while I was gone."
"Yea? About what?" I asked, curling my legs under me, and looking over at him. I didn't attempt to get up with him.
His actions told me this was the Taylor I barely saw. This was the one who rarely came out to talk things he was really feeling. He'd learned to cover up so many times, that when we were alone; even I didn't see his whole self. I almost hoped he'd explain what was bothering him while we were dancing.
"I don't know... just everything. ...Us, the band, touring. Everything."
"What's wrong?"
"It's just. I don't know." He repeated. "I'm not sure I can explain things. It seems like everything just sucks right now. I hate myself sometimes..."
Air got caught in my throat. I was taken back the moment he spoke the words, standing up almost immediately. I walked over to him, placing my arms around his back, and leaning the side of my face against him. I really didn't understand what he meant. "Why would you say something like that?"
He didn't turn to face me. "I don't know..."
I just stood there, still hugging him.
"Don't you ever feel like that?"
"No." I answered honestly. "I mean, not really. I've gotten myself into situations where I've hated everything I did. But that hasn't been recently. Why? Has something happened?"
"No. Its just, I don't know... forget I even brought any of this up." He said, turning around to finally face me. He allowed me to kiss him gently. He deepened the kiss, as I placed my hands on his chest.
I took his hands, and led him to my bed. I sat down, beginning to lean against the linen, and guiding him to do the same.
He hesitated slightly. "Are you sure we should do this? I mean, I'm sure those rules say enough about this... I don't want to get you in trouble. I feel kinda weird..."
"Taylor. We're fine. Don't worry about it, it's ok." I tugged on his tie. Him worrying about something like this made me want to laugh inside. He always had seemed 'willing and ready.'
He looked me over again, lying there on the bed. He never let the nervous expression leave his face. I sat up for a second, placing my arms around me neck, and my lips on his. The sound of our kissed echoed in the room. I pulled him down so he was now halfway leaning on me.
I'd been waiting for this the moment since he'd left. He kissed me with more confidence when he realized I wasn't letting up, placing his hands the bottoms of my shirt, and pushing it up slightly. Knowing what the normal reaction would be, my lips moved from his, to parts of his face, and then to his ears.
His hands were tracing the outside fabric of my bra, exploring the places of the past. I laid there, moving my fingers up and down his back. He allowed me to momentarily pull apart, and remove the tie from around his neck. He moved his hands up to my face, and it didn't take much longer before he quickly placed his lips on mine. We moved into a smooth rhythm of movements. He moved his hands under my shirt, as I lifted my arms up, and allowed him to pull the shirt over my head. He pulled me closer to him, holding me stronger in his arms. I shivered slightly.
"You cold?" He silently pulled away.
"No," I smiled, as he pulled to kiss my neck. I led my hands up his chest, slowly unbuttoning the top button, and working my way down. He removed the sleeves, and it was soon discarded on the floor next to the other article of clothing. He moved his hands around the bra, kneading the bare area of skin. He showered my face with kisses, as our legs were entwined with each other.
I moved my hands down his chest, grasping on the material near the zipper of his pants. I realized this was what I wanted the most right now. I wanted to feel him, to make our love complete at this moment. He was something I needed with me forever. Taking one button, I pulled it apart, and attempted to move the zipper down.
He grabbed my hands almost immediately. "Julie, I don't think we shou-"
"Its ok. I want to..." I held him with my gaze.
He looked at me surprised; Not something he expected, but in the tone of my voice, I think it was then he realized what I meant by my last statement. "I don't exactly carry a condom around in my wallet." He smirked.
Leave it to him to kill a mood like this...
"No, but I have some..." I said. He pulled me into him more, kissing my shoulders, and neck, tracing down my stomach. With one hand around his neck, I grazed my other one downwards, lightly moving my hand up and down his inner leg and thigh. He let a small moan escape his lips. His face was slightly buried into my neck. He laid fully on me, supporting his own weight.
He fumbled with the clip of my bra, slipping it off, and looking at the new area he'd just exposed. He placed his hand hesitantly on my chest, but became more comfortable. I looked at him, playing lightly with the ends of his hair. After letting his eyes wander, I kissed his lips more, allowing his warm tongue to move with mine.
Moving my hands down again, Taylor pulled away. "Julie, I have to go..." I shifted, as I hugged him lightly to me. "I know where this is leading, and we cant. I cant. Look what time it is," He threw out an excuse, "my curfew's still one, and my mom'll shoot me if I'm not there. Especially cause she knows where I am at this moment."
"Tay, we have more than an hour..."
"So...I don't want to just leave." He threw out another excuse.
"Can't you be late for once?" I asked innocently.
"No... Not unless I don't want to see you for awhile."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea..." He hesitated in his answer, reaching down to the floor and coming up with my shirt.
"Thanks," I said, lifting it up and over my head. I watched as he did the same, slipping his arms through the thin shirt's sleeves, and finding a few holes for the buttons. "Let me help you." I took a hold of the rest, buttoning the remains. He stood up, and held his arm out to help me up.
"I better get going..."
"I know." I smiled, picking up his tie.
He hung the article around his neck unevenly. He threw the brown shoes on his feet. "I have to go back over to the studio tomorrow. So, I probably wont be able to see you,"
"Taylor, but you said we were going to hang out all weekend."
"I know, but that was before I planned on going to see you tonight." He bent down to tie his shoe. His collar stood straight up against his neck. "I'm behind on the work, and there was more than I thought there'd be anyway." I followed him to the door.
"There isn't any way we can do anything? How about lunch? Or just a quick dinner. I'll even bring the food, we can just eat there."
"I don't know. There isn't much room for that. I just sit there in a room, and mess around with some things. I don't think I'll even have time to eat myself."
"Um... you're leaving Monday. When do you think we'll be able to do anything?"
"Sunday. Sunday night we'll go out. Whatever you want. We'll do it. I promise. What time do you want me to pick you up?" He held my hand, swinging it slightly.
I sighed, defeated and not willing to argue the point. "Seven."
"Ok." He kissed me on the cheek. "Seven it is..." He opened the door, grabbing his keys from his pocket. "See ya then."
"Can I call you tomorrow night?"
"Not sure when I'm getting home. How about I just call you if its not too late. Like, anytime before 11?"
"Anytime before 12."
"Ok. Bye..." He whispered, making his way back down the hall we'd passed through earlier.
"What Happens Now?
