"Your.lies.were.the.best.I.ever.knew..."
"You lies were the best I ever knew..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Taylor repeatedly apologized for not calling. I tried my best to get over it. Damn myself for not being able to hold a grudge. I only wish I could. It'd be so much easier. Lucky for Taylor's sake, I forgave him.
He came home on Tuesday, but since we both were busy, the only time we could see each other was Friday night at work. His was busier than I was. This studio stuff was taking up a lot more time then him, or even I, wanted it too. But like I'd said before, who was I to judge against it. He loved the things he was doing there.
The only thing I got to do lately was talk on the phone to him; it was nice I'd actually be able to talk to him in person.
Taylor called me early Saturday morning, waking me from my own person slumber.
I'd barely gotten any sleep lately, and having to close last night only made me want to sleep more. I'd asked for the whole weekend off, just so I could rest up. Taylor would have nothing to do with that, and invited me over to hang out at the house. He said I could relax there, and spend time with him. I could practically see his lips pouting over the phone when I tried to get out of it till later on in the day..
I drove over to the house about 10am, to find the guys lounging quietly in separate rooms. As usual. Its not like they wanted to be with each other. It was a boring rainy morning, but normal for April weather. The rest of the family had gone out for awhile to visit some friends, and had allowed the guys to stay home to relax for the day.
We joked around for a bit, Isaac showed me a song he was working on, and Zac attempted to beat me with some sort of video game. I did what I could to get Isaac to tell me what was going on between them, but failed with each try. He used his regular excuse, "Don't worry about it." I was so sick of that coming out of his mouth.
Neither of them were paying much attention to each other, and it was apparent that they still hadn't gotten over their fight. It only seemed to be getting worse from the first night at their party.
Being someone who never could mind my own business anyway, I invited them to all watch movies in the living room. I sat on the couch leaning into Taylor, as he twirled my hair loosely in his fingers. Isaac sat on a love seat, and Zac sat on the floor. There wasn't much talking going on from them. They just kept their eyes on the movies, and comments to themselves.
"I think I'm gonna go get a drink... anyone want anything?" I asked, getting up. Nobody answered, leaving the silence in the room. "Ok..." I added sarcastically, when I realized I was basically being ignored.
Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed a glass from the cabinet. I just didn't understand what was wrong with the three of them. Ever since they had gotten back home, they weren't acting the same. My mind flashed back, trying to remember anything they might have said to let me in on what was wrong. It's almost as if they were hiding some small brotherly thing. Meanwhile, they were annoyed with each other over every situation.
"What is wrong with you guys?" I quizzed, walking back into the room with my glass.
"Huh?" Zac asked, turning on his back to look at me.
"What's wrong? Ever since you guys've gotten back, you're acting different. I see it in you too Taylor. I mean, look at you guys. Isaac, you're sitting as far from us as you can, and Zac doesn't seem to want to be near either. You're all sitting opposite each other. You feel like telling me what you're fighting about?"
Taylor listened to me, glancing to Isaac and Zac every once in awhile. He shifted uncomfortably.
"No, we're fine." Isaac stated. I took notice to the look Isaac shot at Taylor.
"So what's changed?"
"Nothing." Zac said, looking back to his brothers. He lied the best out of the three of them anyway.
"Are you sure?" I pushed a little more than I should've.
"Ugh..." Isaac sighed, obviously not wanting to talk about it. "Don't worry about it..."
"But I-"
"Nothings wrong Julie! C'mon, shut up and lets just watch the movie!"
I looked at him weird, slightly frowning. I rarely saw him angry, let alone at me. Maybe keeping my mouth shut was for the best. Somehow though, I felt as if they should tell me. We told each other basically everything. I hated for this to be different.
"Don't yell at her, god! She's just trying to help!" Taylor spat out. "She didn't do anything, so don't treat her like that!"
Isaac's eyes widened, as he looked over at Zac for a second. Zac was now also glaring at him too. It then became clear that they were both beyond pissed at Taylor. The fight wasn't each brother against brother. It was them against Taylor. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Like you should be the one telling me how to treat people..." Isaac anger grew towards Taylor.
Taylor rolled his eyes. "Don't start this now..."
"Well, I think we should!"
I listened as the basics of the fight were about to open up.
"Mind your own business."
"I agree with Ike..." Zac added.
"You shut up too!" Taylor raised his voice.
Zac sighed, and looked over to me. I was busy watching them still.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing, nothing..." Taylor said to me calmly, trying not to take the tension out on me.
"Are you sure about that?" Isaac asked.
"Shut up!" Taylor moved his head back to meet Isaac.
Isaac turned to me, staring into my eyes. "Ask him; Ask him what happened on the trip, at the party, in the hotel room... See if he'll tell you."
"I said shut the hell up!" Taylor yelled, standing up, and throwing his face into Isaac's.
I didn't want to stay there for a Hanson brother brawl. I wasn't going to get into the middle of this, and have them make me choose sides. "Listen, I think I'm gonna go back to the dorms. I'm only in the way. You guys situate yourselves, cause obviously there's something going on, and you're having problems... I'll talk to you when things are more settled..." I said, standing up, remembering I'd thrown my wallet on the couch downstairs. "I'll be right back," I mentioned, starting to track down the stairs.
I picked it up off the couch, then lightly made my way back up the stairs to hushed voices coming from the living room. I know I should listen to my feelings, but who was I to ever follow my first instinct. It only made me listen closer.
"You have to tell her." Isaac stated angrily.
"I can't. I can't do it. I've tried, but I don't know what to say. She'll hate me." Taylor answered, as butterflies filled my stomach. There was something he was hiding.
"But it's the truth." Isaac's voice was calmer. "You not telling her is only making things worse."
"I can't believe you just did that."
"Maybe it helped." Zac put something into the conversation. Whatever it was, they all knew about it.
Oh, that made me feel a whole lot better. Everything that was coming out of their mouths was only making me feel worse and worse by the second. A pit had formed in my stomach, inching its way closer and closer to my throat. Taylor couldn't tell me. I'd hate him. This was bad. It already hurt that he was hiding something.
"Yea right." Taylor smirked angrily, as he walked out of the doorway to see me standing there.
I wasn't sure what to think; I didn't even understand what was going on.
"How much of that did you hear?" He asked, color flushed quickly from his face.
I looked over at him with hurt eyes. "Enough." I couldn't see what Zac and Isaac's reaction to the situation was, but I'm sure they were as shocked about me hearing them as Taylor was. I needed an explanation, or an understanding for me.
There was an uncomfortable pause where we both kind of stood there.
"C'mon." He said solemnly, taking my hand and leading me downstairs. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I'm sure it wasn't a good sign. Obviously he hadnt planned on telling me this. You could tell by his body movements, and language.
I followed him to wear they'd spent countless hours relaxing on the couches watching TV. The furnished basement made nicely for Taylor especially, who liked to be alone with his smaller keyboard many times making up small verses and songs.
I moved away from him, and sat down lightly on the dark blue couch. He kept some distance, and walked over to the TV to shut it off.
"I want to know what they're talking about." I stated, not taking my eyes off of him. He wouldn't face me.
"Huh?" Taylor asked, scratching the back of his neck before turning around. I waited for the familiar eyes to meet mine.
"You know what I mean. I want to know what you guys were talking about. Maybe this is why you've been acting different, not paying much attention to your brothers, and avoiding me with exception to your party and our one date. You've faked affection, or just ignored it all together. You change subjects when I ask what's wrong, yet tell me something's really bothering you. I know you. I know how you feel, and what you act like when you don't want to be somewhere. I can tell when things are on your mind. Are you ok?" I wondered, as he stood there staring at me. "You have to tell me..."
"I'm fine. Everything that went on, it was all a bunch of mistakes."
"What went on? Where?"
"Listen Jules, I don't want to hurt you..." My stomach dropped as he spoke the words softly.
"I need to know." I attempted to lean back on the couch, pulling my knees closer to my body.
"It's just that..." He ran his hands through his hair, doing his best to stall the situation.
"Taylor, tell me now." I was firm as I could be. He wasn't going to get out of this now. "You're hot one minute, and cold the next. You act like you love being with me, but then don't call.. What's going on? What was Isaac talking about with the trip? What happened while you were away?"
I shoved his hands in his pockets, and moved over to the small window, staring outside. "I messed up. I really friggin screwed up this time..."
"What'd you do?" I asked, looking up at him from the couch were I still sat by myself.
He walked over to sit next to me, placing his elbows on his knees and folding his hands. He didn't face me. "Well, you remember how I told you we went to those parties? You know, all the time, after the shows just whenever to have a good time?"
I shook my head, slightly remembering him mentioning it in a letter.
"I was out of control. I was drinking a lot, I totally screwed up. The parties were usually in the hotel lounges, just a couple floors down from our rooms. We all had our own rooms for once." I wanted him to just get to the point. "Well... a couple of the parties that were late, our parents left us alone to hang out, I drank more than I should have." He paused for a second, to take a look at me. "I left with someone."
I took my eyes off of him, as he glanced at me nervously. For the second time in less than ten minutes, I had no idea on what to do.
He went on, rambling faster now. "I didn't really hit me till later, and I just started drinking more. Nobody really took notice. Ike and Zac realized what was going on, but our parents had no clue..."
I placed my eyes back on him. I didn't open my mouth for fear I might loose the breath in my lungs. I couldn't believe what he had just confessed. "I don't get it... what'do you mean, you left with someone?"
I stood up.
"How could you?" I raised my voice, but shut up quickly. I didn't want to get into yelling, knowing his brothers were right up stairs. "How many times?"
"Once, I swear. It was that one time." His eyes studied mine, begging for forgiveness.
"Why the hell would you do that?" I demanded.
"I wasn't think-"
"I can't believe this. What the hell is wrong with you? Did you not even think about me when you were gone? Did you think any of this was ok? Is this why you didn't write me the last two months?" He stepped back a little. "Is that what you were doing on the trip? Off fucking some girl?" While some people would be silent, not knowing what to say in a situation like this, I was the complete opposite.
"No, god no!" I couldn't believe the one person I had always sought comfort with was unrecognizable. His eyes were cold.
I walked out of the room, and up the stairs. Like hell I was going to stick around for anymore of his words. I saw Isaac and Zac still in the living room. Their interest was more on us than the movie. I was so glad we were the only ones home, so no one else would have to hear this. I moved out the door, and down the porch.
It was all some secret against me.
I turned around to Taylor. "I don't get it." I stated, out at the driveway. The sky was still dark, but the rain had settled down. There were a few spare drops falling.
"Neither do I..."
"But why? What happened? What made you do this?" I was overwhelmed by how unbelievable this situation was.
"I don't know..." He said quietly.
I smirked, I couldn't believe the irony. "Glad you can explain things..." I said, turning to take the final steps to my car.
Taylor grabbed my arm, trying to prevent me to leave. "Don't leave, please don't do this..."
"What?" I glared. "Did you expect me to actually stay? Did you really think, somewhere in this pathetic story, that it was gonna convince me to stay? I don't want to be near you, I don't want to look at you!" I threw his arm off of me walking closer to the car, as he followed behind me.
"I'm sorry." He stated. He was never this passive. He was always the stubborn one, last to admit he was wrong. There was nobody he'd let treat him this way, but as I stood there yelling at him, he just took it all in.
"You really messed up this time. You know, I never once worried this would happen. I trusted you. I didn't even think about things like this."
"I didn't know what was going on. I was drinking, and going to parties. It was all out of control. It was that one time, I wasn't thinking straight. The alcohol was always there. Ike and Zac, they told me to stop, but I didn't listen, I wouldn't. They knew I was going to make a huge mistake, and I did. I realized I had to tell you, I didn't want to, but I knew I couldn't hide this all from you."
"You did hide it."
He ignored my comment. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I held it in forever. I've known I had to tell you for awhile, I was just waiting for the right moment."
"Did you think there was going to be one?" I asked sarcastically, ducking away from the hand he was reaching out.
"I guess so."
I opened the door and climbed in.
"I'm so sorry..." He pleaded for as long as I'd even listen. The LAST time I would.
I never pulled off my expression of anger. "Don't call me, don't talk to me. I don't want you near me." I slammed the car door as I drove off. Any feelings for him turned into pure distaste within minutes.
"What Happens Now..."
Title:Athenaeum, "Flat Tire."
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
