"Is.there.anything.I'm.going.to.miss..."
"Is there anything I'm going to miss..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
After my one day of pure sadness, I was up and about, doing whatever I could to seem happy. Lamenting in my room was getting me nowhere. It only led me to feel more sorry for myself. (I wasn't use to self-pity.) I submersed myself in my final school grades and over-time at Cline's making extra money.
I'd learned a few things over the last 2 weeks or so. I could put things behind me so easily. Its not that I put what happened lightly away, but I didn't let it bother me to a point where I'd get upset. I just realized it was another thing in my life that would just have to be delt with.
Taylor didn't even call half as much as he used to. After our last phone call, the day after he explained things to me, we hadn't talked. He relentlessly called my room, and I ended up screening all phone calls with a good old answering machine.
After that, I didn't think his phone calls would be as volatile as they were. He tried calling only the next day. Then he just stopped. And I hadn't seen him once. The only reason I knew he was still alive was because of Nicole. I was just happy he hadn't taken some sort of procrustean ways to get his points across. Taylor was probably as stubborn as they came. It was just weird to not have him everywhere I went.
I'd succeeded in avoiding the Hanson family all together. I'd renounced whatever was shared between us. At least for the time being. I'd known I'd volunteered for some church fundraiser, but I ended up skipping it for fear the Mrs. Hanson might want to talk about "my absence." I wasn't sure what she'd been told, but I knew for sure it wasn't that Taylor had been drunk and slept with some girl. If I knew Isaac was going to be picking up Nicole, I made sure I was at the campus library, or the coffee shop. I worked overtime down at Cline's, while praying that Zac wouldn't take the quick walk from Erica's house to see me.
Things were beginning to take a normal pattern. I first thought that I was stuck in my own over dramatic soap opera. The lies, the cheating, his pathetic cover-up. But I realized it wasn't worth the craziness. I wasn't going to let this mess up my life. He was just a boyfriend.
I wouldn't exactly say I was over Taylor, but I'd long since ended my whole suffereing, 'woe is me' deal. I figured if I wanted to be treated the way he had, I might as well be by myself. I used Nicole as a listening tool, and she did what she could. She helped me keep my sanity. Well… sort of.
"My life sucks..." I grumbled to Nicole. She'd heard it so much lately, but I didn't feel like I'd said it enough to make myself feel better.
"You know, I really don't feel like being part of your pity parties anymore." She looked up at me, swirling her yogurt around with a spoon.
"I know. But it does!" I justified the best way I could.
"You're going to have to face things sooner or later..." Nicole lead into another discussion about what I was doing wrong. She wasn't happy with how I was dealing with problems.
"I choose later." I answered quickly, attempting to escape her words again.
"You've taken that route way too much lately. You wouldn't believe how much I am attacked when I go over to that house! Taylor asks, Zac asks, I even have Avery asking to call you."
"Tell her she can call me if she wants. We'll talk..."
She let out a frustrated sigh. "It's time you say that to Taylor too. He needs to talk to you. He's just different, something's wrong. He walks around like a little boy who's lost his puppy or something. He's never home, he's at parties every weekend. Right under the noses of their parents he's coming home a little too much under the influence. Why don't you talk to him and just let him explain things. There's a lot you don't know."
"Oh what, and you do?"
"Yea," she nodded. "But I'm not in the position to tell you, I never was." She stuttered for a second.
I was confused. "What do you mean, you never were? I've known for two weeks, how long've you known?"
I watched as she shrugged lightly, opening her backpack and pulling out a notebook. Turning a few pages, she was starting to write some sorts of notes down. It was apparent she had just brushed off the question.
"When did you find out about this? Please don't tell me you knew," she looked up at me, "and never told me. Nicole?"
"Isaac told me in a letter. He made me promise not to tell a soul. And that included you."
"But this was different. You're my best friend, I think its ok to break a small promise."
"Taylor was planning to tell. I didn't want to hurt you. Let him be the ass hole here." I made a face as she smiled weakly.
I rolled my eyes, looking upwards before I sighed. I flopped my back down on her bed, bending my knees, and staring at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry."
"I know..." I answered vacantly.
"If Isaac ever does anything like this, it's over. Completely over." She stated out of nowhere.
"That's what I want to say. But I don't know how. I love him too much. I don't know what to do. He's sent me into a whirl, and made me rethink everything."
"I know..."
My head surged with events. "There's so much coming up. The senior formal," I sighed. The question of taking Taylor as a date had been answered easily now. "Our graduation. And Dartmouth..."
"You should tell someone other than me and your parents. This isn't something you can keep a secret. Especially if you really want to go."
With all my troubles blinding anything I had to do lately, I was essentially leaning my final decision towards Dartmouth. My mother said she'd be sending money for a deposit soon. Nicole had continually told me to tell someone ever since I'd shown interest in the school. She promised she wouldn't, but I didn't know how much longer she could keep it from Isaac. She was ready to burst as it is.
"What do you expect me to do?" I mocked a telephone conversation, moving my hand up to my ear. "Hey, guess what? I'm moving to New Hampshire! Talk to you later, thanks for everything!" I smiled brightly, before scowling at the thought. I crossed my arms against my chest.
"No, but you could just say that you think you're going... or I don't know. Let me tell 'em."
"Not yet. Things are so screwed up. All because of this one damn thing that Taylor did!" I groaned frustrated by everything jumbled around in my life. I sat up straight, looking her directly in the eye. "Mike did some pretty bad things but-"
"Don't even bring that loser in it."
"I know, but-"
"Just don't, ok Julie?" She interrupted again. "This has nothing to do with him. It's you and Taylor. Keep it between you two. Mike's something totally different, and you'll regret bringing him into an argument. I'll bet on that."
"Fine..." I said, I didn't care anymore anyway.
Nicole didn't seem to care either, letting her argument slip by trying to lighten the mood.
"You know, one thing's a big disappointment out of the whole breakup..."
"What?"
She smiled mischievously. Her eyes were alluding that there was more to her comment than I expected. "It's a shame you never got to consummate that relationship."
"What?!" I knew I hadn't heard her right.
"S-e-x." She smirked.
My mouth dropped open, before I swiftly threw the ratty bear from her bed. "I cannot believe you just said that!"
"What? Admit it, it probably would've been damn good..." Her eyebrows were lifting so much, I figured they'd fall off her face at any moment.
My eyes were still wide with disbelief. "My God..." I muttered, attempting to cover my eyes in my hands, or the pink quickly rising to my cheeks.
She shrugged it off, letting out a fit of laughter as I joined her.
She stood up to get a soda. "I can't believe graduation is so soon. A month."
"I know. Thirty days..." Stating the obvious, I got up to collect some of my books off the table. "What are we gonna do? In college, I won't even be able to see you half as much as usual."
"We'll just have enormous phone bills. What can we do? I have to tell you everyday what's going on in Tulsa."
"I'm so nervous I wont like it."
'Well, if you don't, just come back. Who cares? Transfer, and just go to Tulsa University with me."
I smiled. "I guess so. Just sometimes I think Dartmouth could be a mistake. I'm going to be away from so much, and everyone." I was expected to make this precarious decision. So much depended on it. "Other times I think it's an opportunity of a life time."
"You still have a few weeks to decide, ok? So keep thinking about it if you want. You'll be fine either way. And we'll be friends through it all..." She sniffled a fake cry, before walking over to me to give me a hug.
"Ok, ok. Don't get all mushy on me yet, I have a while before I leave." I stood up, stuffing more papers in my notebook. "So much for studying. I need to go get ready for work. I'll talk to you later."
"But Julie, I really meant what I said. Whatever it is that you decide, it'll be ok. I'll find a way to visit you no matter what. You're my best friend, how could I not?" She offered a reassuring smile.
"Thanks Nic. Bye..." She was more perceptive towards the situation. She knew college wasn't the only thing on my mind.
I was beginning to hate my job. Besides the fact that it was usually boring as hell, I just couldn't stand being there anymore. Tonight, of course being no exception. Everything was going as usual. A few regular college student stopping by, but keeping the place basically empty. I'd been scheduled with a new girl, who didn't seem to want to talk, and just stood by the register.
I cleaned up a few tables, and walked back into the kitchen. I threw the tattered rag into the sink. Bored, bored, bored. I might as well shoot myself in the head now. I sat on one of the stools from the counter, and rested my head on my arm. New girl didn't even look at me. She stood there, reading a magazine. So much for the normal idle conversations I had with other people who worked here.
The familiar ringing of the bell hooked from the door signaled someone walking in. I looked over. Ugh...
Isaac stood there, giving me a slight wave, before maneuvering around a table towards the counter. I sat up straighter, fixing my slouch and trying not to react much. I looked at him, before my eyes averted back to the counter top.
"Hi Julie."
I smiled, almost snobbish, looking slightly off. I rolled my eyes.
"How is everything?"
"Good." I sat there uncomfortable under his stare. I hope he didn't think I was about to make conversation. I didn't want him to be here, and I'd already done my best to stay away from his brothers and him. Two weeks. I could go longer if I had to. I cant hold grudges for the life of me, but avoidance is easy.
Isaac took the hint. "Listen I'm sorry about being such an asshole, ok? That shouldn't have been the way you found out. I should've let Tay tell you his own way, instead of blowing everything up."
For some reason, I didn't want to talk to him anymore than Taylor.
"I should've come to see you sooner." He went on, sitting down on an empty stool.
"I wouldn't have wanted to talk to you anyway." I raised my eyes to him.
He sighed a little as we sat there in silence for a few minutes.
I couldn't take it anymore.
"Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends. I would've told you something like this."
"He's my brother. Who was I supposed to choose between?"
I tried to understand his reasoning, but came up with the fact that they'd all known but me. "You chose him. But still, I thought that someone would've told me earlier, or got him to tell me."
"We did, I swear. All three of us have been fighting for weeks over it. Zac's mad at Tay for upsetting you. Taylor's mad for us butting into his life. I'm just pissed at the whole situation." He placed his elbows on the counter, looking at me. "And since you've found out, Tay and Zac have only gotten worse. Zac refuses to talk to him, because you're mad."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Well, since you've basically banished any relationship with us, he's pissed since Tay caused it. He figures you wouldn't be mad at him if Taylor hadn't ruined things."
"I'm not mad at Zac. I've just needed time to myself, you know? To kinda sort things out. I want time alone to think, that's all. I have an unbelievable load of crap on my mind." I rested my head on my arms again.
"Yea..."
"How's Taylor been?" The question was unavoidable.
"Well, you know how he is. He doesn't admit anything's bothering him. So he's working non-stop, he's never home. He's either out with friends at every party imaginable in Tulsa, or at the studios. But he's not himself, that's for sure."
I nodded. "What about Zac?"
"He ignores us a lot. Still mad at Taylor. I found out the other day that he kinda found out about the whole 'thing' before anyone else. He saw the girl leaving Tay's hotel room. That's why they were in a fight half the trip, Zac's been pissed. And they're still carrying it out now."
The girl. New topic please.
"I think that's why he was so much into writing you those damn postcards every friggin place we went. He didn't want you hurt, and he wanted to be a good friend, or something." He shrugged. "I think he kinda knew exactly what was going to happen."
I rolled my eyes for the second time in our conversation.
Someone walked in and sat at a table closer to the back. "Excuse me a sec." I walked over to take their order. After moving to the back to make their drink, I stood on the other side of the counter, facing Isaac. I leaned against my elbows.
There was more silence as I sighed. Only three more hours left of this place before I could go home tonight.
"So, what else is new?" I asked him, as he played with a napkin from the counter.
"Not much. They're making plans for a few gigs coming up. Taylor's been working hard on some footage for a video, and its coming out pretty awesome. Um... my mom was kinda upset when you didn't make it to the church auction, but I covered up for you. You had a huge test, but were 'very sorry.' She's ok with that. Avie misses you. Jessie has started dance again. That's about it. A small recap on the family. Basically. Mac and Zoe are fine."
"Sounds good."
"Julie, I know you may not want to hear this, but this is a lot of the reason why I came down."
"If I don't want to hear it, then don't waste your time. It'll only piss me off, which will, in return, piss you off."
"Oh well. I have to. He misses you, you know that?" He overtly started off his speech. "He really does. And he's sorry..."
"You're right. Don't want to hear it." I stood up, walking over to check on the previous customers. I had planned on this, and I disregarded his argument before he could get the chance to put in a defense for Taylor. His omission towards my last statement made it obvious it wouldn't be over when I walked back to him.
Isaac wasted no time when I got closer to the counter. "Julie." He adamantly started again.
"Isaac, don't waste the breath."
"He misses you. I know he stopped calling because he wants to give you your space. But he loves you. He's hurting too," I was sick of him speaking on Taylor's behalf. Where was Taylor in all of this? "What he did was never meant to hurt you."
"Could've fooled me." I smirked. "Nothing he did was meant to hurt me. And you guys didn't want me hurt either, so you didn't tell me. Great friends!"
"What the hell were we supposed to tell you?!" He said louder than he intended too. New girl Jackie lifted her head at that one, but returned it soon after to her magazine. Isaac gently lowered his voice. "You know damn well that we couldn't tell you. All we could do was look out for you."
"Yea, well I'm glad everyone was looking out for me behind me back. I'm glad you guys all knew about it, and not one of you decided to tell me. Thanks a lot, you really saved my feelings." I stood up, walking into the kitchen.
"C'mon Julie! You aren't even being fair."
I stopped for a second, turning around. "How can you say that?! You were looking out for me by not telling me? Just what exactly were you trying to protect me from? You shouldn't have come her tonight." I turned my heel to walk back into the kitchen. I had an abundant amount of reasons why I didn't want to listen to him anymore.
Isaac sat there for a few minutes, before realizing I wasn't coming back out. He left soon after that.
I knew what happened. I didn't need him to explain details any deeper. No matter how it came out, an abridged version by Isaac, a 'heartfelt explanation' from Nicole, it was the same damn story. No matter how thick you laid it out. Taylor really screwed things up.
Going on...
Title:Third Eye Blind, "How's it going to be?"
