"I.used.to.have.it.all.planned.out..."
"I used to have it all planned out..."
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I woke up alone on some uncomfortable chair in the waiting room. A jacket was covering me from the never-ending breeze of an unnecessary air conditioner. I could tell it was Taylor's just by the smell. I sat up for a second, groaning from the sharp pain coming from my back. Damn these hospitals. I wearily looked around, using the worn out maroon chair to brace myself as I got up.
"Hey," I jumped at the sound of Isaac's voice, coming up from behind me. "You ok?" He handed me a bottle of water.
My mind raced back to the real reason I was here, and my best friend who was lying in a hospital bed nearby. Tubes running every which way, no doubt. I stretched, attempting to get the cramps out of my legs. "I've been better. How's she doing?"
He shrugged. "Ok, I guess. She's still unconscious, but the doctors have said they aren't too worried she'll slip into a coma anymore. They're hoping she'll wake up soon." He didn't sound doubtful at all in saying this, but I knew until she woke up, I'd be on edge. "She's pretty beaten up, lots of bruises and stuff. But they said it looks a lot worse than she actually is. Everyone went downstairs to the cafeteria to get somethin' to eat. My mom said she'd grab you a bagel or something."
I pulled the light jacket over the small summer shirt I had on. "Who's here?"
"Me and you have been here all night. Nicole's parents got in Tulsa around 4 this morning, and they've been here since. Tay took Zac down here around 6:30, and then my mom came a little while later."
"Are we allowed to go see her now?"
"Yea, if you want. We're not supposed to stay long though, so just sneak on in. I don't think anyone will really notice."
With that said, I wasted no time walking over to her door. "I'll just go see how she is." I turned the knob to walk in. Nicole lay there against her pillows. My eyes welled up at the sight of her pale body tinted with purple bruises. Whether they said it was bad or not, this was still something I could barely take.
"Hey Nic." I spoke walking closer to her. I really didn't know what to say. I'd never been put in any type of situation where someone I really cared about was in the hospital. "I've been here all night. Waiting right outside there for you to wake up. I know you're there, and I know you can hear what I'm saying. Everyone's here."
Some tears flowed lightly down my face. "I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to you. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone else to talk to. Especially now, with all that's been going on the last couple of weeks. So don't go doing anything stupid, cause I love ya." I wiped the back of my hand against my cheek. "You're my best friend, I wouldn't be able to handle it if something bad happened." I choked out, moving over to her to hug her lightly.
I wiped my eyes again, rubbing them. "I can't believe this happened so close to graduation..." I moved back. "We graduate in less than a month and you have to be there. If you aren't there, I won't be there." I was struggling to control my breathing, but it wasn't helping the sobs coming out. If there was anything I hated, it was crying. Crying meant you let yourself go, and I never felt right doing that in front of people. Even with Taylor I had restraints. I sat on her bed, bent over with my face in my hands, quietly letting my tears run down my cheeks.
I swear, bad things just happened to me. I didn't care how selfish I seemed, life was completely unfair to me. I used to have it all planned out. My thoughts were organized, my life was predictable, and I liked it that way.
There was a soft knock on the door, as Mrs. Hanson walked in. "Honey, I'm sorry, but they don't want people to stay in here that long." She walked over to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I let everything out at that moment. I shook, sobbing into her shoulder, and mumbling useless things to her. She rubbed my back gently, not saying a word. We stood there for awhile, trying to devise a way to cover up what I'd just done. Moments passed, and I didn't pull away. I didn't want to have to face everyone looking so awful.
"Sorry... I didn't mean for that to happen." Finally moving away from her, I tried to give a small smile.
She put an arm around my shoulder. "It's quite all right, honey. Anytime you need me, you know exactly where I am. Don't worry about calling, you can just come right over."
I followed Diana out of the room, wiping my eyes a few more times and running fingers through my hair, trying to make myself presentable to everyone out in the waiting area. My face was blotchy, and eyes still red. Apprehension settled into my stomach as I thought of who would be out there watching me walk out of Nicole's hospital room. I didn't waste anytime getting away from the family sitting in the chairs.
I walked past everyone, accelerating my pace as I came closer to the stair well door. The more time I spent here, the stuffier it got. All I needed was some fresh air as I opened up a door, and descended down a few steps before sitting down. I looked out on some back alley behind the hospital's main entrance. The arid air outside was about as stuffy as I felt inside. The day's humidity had already settled in, taking affect.
Looking up for a moment, I heard a door creek open as Taylor stepped out. I changed my glance, moving my stare back out into the alley. His presence was making me uncomfortable, yet I didn't want to show it.
"Hey." He sat down on a step above me, timidly glancing down.
Sighing lightly, I decided not to respond at all. I alluded to the fact that I wanted him to leave, but he didn't pick up. Its not that it was Taylor being there that bothered me. It could've been anyone out there; I still wanted to be alone.
"She's going to be ok, the doctors say there's nothing really wrong. She'll be hopping around on crutches for awhile because of a broken ankle, but once the bruises heal, you won't even be able to tell it ever happened."
I shook my head in agreeance. "Yea... it'd be nice if she woke up though." My chin rested on my knees, as my arms wrapped around my legs.
"She will. Anytime now." He'd just confirmed what Isaac had told me earlier.
I struggled to keep composure. "She better do it soon."
"She will. And when she does, we'll get her the hell out of here, and take her home to celebrate. That's she out..."
I looked down, still trying to hide my flushed face from him. He rubbed my back, as I pulled away.
"Julie, I'm not trying to kiss you or anything. Just trying to help. You don't have to pull away at my touch."
"I didn't." I defended, trying to disregard what he'd said.
No such luck... As suspected, he carried on his argument anyway. Of course, it wouldn't take long for all of this to come up. Again. "We've been a lot closer than this before, I don't see why that was a big deal."
"Because, it just is."
"Why?" For some absurd reason, I'd thought this wouldn't go anywhere. Why cant we not fight about things for once?
"Not now, please... I don't want to start." I implored, slumping against the stair railing. Taylor took it upon himself to talk any chance he could get, and despite the obvious fact that we were alone didn't mean I wanted to go on about our endless problems with each other.
"We aren't starting anything. I never see you half the time, all I'm doing is talking to you, and you say I'm starting?"
"This is not the time, nor the place." I was beginning to sound older than I actually was.
"I wasn't starting anything." He adamantly stated again, letting out a frustrated sigh.
I stood up. "I'm just going to go back inside, before things get worse. We don't need to be out here fighting, when there are worse things going on." I stood up, ready to go back upstairs and talk to everyone.
"Nicole will be fine! She's ok!"
"I'll just forget we're even talking. We have nothing to say to each other."
"I have plenty to say."
"You sure don't make the effort..." I mumbled, opening the door.
"Wait!" He moved his arm to the door, forcefully slamming it shut. "What kinda of effort do you expect me to make Julie? You wouldn't listen either way!"
"You're right! I won't listen. Now that that's said..." I tried to move past him again, as he stepped in front of my way refusing to let me leave.
"You aren't walking out now! I was talking..." His blue eyes flared, as his brow creased in anger.
I crossed my arms and stared up blankly at him. "I don't care. I don't feel like listening to your excuses." Everything he said lately was so redundant.
"You never listen to me!" Taylor reproached.
"Oh! I'm so sorry I don't feel like hearing you. I'm truly sorry I haven't made time for the rest of your chronic lies..." I fakely lamented. "Maybe it's because every time I've seen you, you're drunk off your ass! I'm not going to waste my time." He stared at me as I went on. "It isn't worth it. I haven't once heard reasons why there should be anything else going on between us."
"What do you want me to say?"
I rubbed my eyes, wanting so bad to get away from this right now. "I don't know... ok?" My voice wavered, and I was determined not to cry in this situation. "Ever since you've gotten back, you've held things from me. I waited six months for you to come home, and when you did, you didn't want to tell me about anything..." I began to go against everything I wanted to do right now. I didn't want to talk, but once I started with Taylor, things just began to flow out. "Like when you had to go to New York right after you came back. You got so good at covering everything you did up. You've never told me how you felt. Ever. I had no clue why you seemed so distant when you came home, and I didn't know why you wanted so bad to hold things away from me. All I hear is how sorry you are. Half the time, it isn't that convincing." I paused, taking a breath but wanting to go on. "You want me to just be so forgiving. Well, you don't know anything. You weren't there when I was crying all night, or when I didn't even know what to do with myself. You didn't call, see how I was, or what we were going to do about us? I was humiliated, thinking about you going out behind my back, and all I had was Nicole to talk things over with. You just gave up. I see you weeks later, drunk, acting like a jerk. You want me to just start over, and listen to what you have to say every time we're near each other. I'm sick of this Taylor. I'm done with hearing you apologize. Try something different..." This time, I didn't let him take the stand in my way, and I dodged him, walking back through the door and up the stairs. I made a mental note to just try and stay away from him at all costs.
"I didn't give up..." He mumbled, but I didn't take much notice to it. I didn't want to hear it.
"I don't claim to know my way
I still run in circles everyday
Running around half blind
Life can be unkind..."
I sat back on Nicole's couch, listening to her stereo blast in the background, and taking into the lyrics. Sometimes they made so much sense... Propping my feet up on the small table that took up space in front of their TV, I tried to get comfortable. Her doctor had let Nicole come home a few nights later, as long as she promised to rest. I'd clung to Nicole a lot more than usual, and volunteered to help her out until she adapted to using her crutches. Her demeanor was quieter that usual, but she was basically just spooked by all that'd happened. I did what I could to counsel her. Being across the hall made things a lot easier.
Last night, Kelly had informed me that her boyfriend would be staying in our dorm room and I was not to go in. So there I was, crashing in Nicole's room with her and Melanie. I was actually kind of used to it.
Looking through some mail Melanie had thrown on their table, I became my nosy self. Some junk mail, letters to them. About to throw the rest down, I stopped when I came across a letter for me. No address, no return address. Just 'Julie Valcor' centered on the envelope. Squinting, I brought it closer to see who's handwriting it was. At first, I figured it was Taylor's, but went against that. That was probably the last thing he'd do right now. Sitting down and rationally writing things out was not his way of handling a situation. He never wrote things, besides songs, or in his journal, which I'd never read anyway. (God knows what he actually writes in that thing). I wondered who the note could actually be from, as I ruled out Taylor. Well... not really ruling him out. With the way things were going, I didn't know what to expect anymore.
I opened it up, to scroll down the single page of scribbled handwriting. So it was from Taylor. Nicole was over tiding up, and she looked over at me reading the letter.
"What've you got there?"
"A letter from Taylor." I sighed, tossing it aside.
"Oh yea? What about now?"
"I don't know. Didn't really read it yet."
"Well what're you waiting for."
Shrugging, I looked down at the letter, unfolding it again. I read it slowly to myself...
Dear Julie,
I know you want me to tell you all I've felt, but I don't know what to say. You know I'm never good at that. I'm sorry, that's one thing I can honestly tell you right now. What happened was never meant to hurt you, it was all a mistake. From the beginning, I should have told you. Maybe it would've changed a few things. I know there is nothing to justify it, but I was messed up. You have to believe me, please. If I could do anything to change what happened, I would. I know I shouldn't have been drinking like I did while out touring. I don't know where I lost control of the whole situation, and when I should have asked Isaac, or even Zac, to help me. I hope you're at least reading this. I've tried calling, and just talking to you. I went to your dorm, you aren't home, or you just wont see me. I want to see you. It hurts at just that.
You mean the world to me. It hurts me so much inside, I don't know what to do. Every time your name is even brought up, the pit in my stomach grows.
You were the only thing I knew I had. I don't mean own. I knew you were always there for me. To back me up, or help me out. I don't have you here now, and it kills. I really do need you. I did the dumbest thing possible when you should've been able to trust me the most.
You mean so much to me. It scares me sometimes. Cause I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. You know that. I've had other girlfriends and it's never felt like this. We were never a mistake, like you've said earlier. But now, that one short night of my screw up broke us apart further than I've ever been from you.
My hands seem tied behind my back. You're right there, yet impossible to come to.
Please Jules, just talk to me. Let me explain things to you. Please. I'm sorry… I'm not trying to say who's fault it was. I know I'm the only one to blame. But it was a bad mistake.
I meant what I said. What I engraved to last forever on that ring. YTTF. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Forever.
I'm sorry.
--Taylor
I folded the paper into its familiar cracks. What was I supposed to do with this? He'd just poured his whole heart in a letter I didn't want. I put it back down, and stuffed it neatly the envelope. Sighing loudly, I began rubbing my temples.
"Did it do any good?" Nic asked, hobbling over to the couch without her crutches. She knew I hated when she did that. Offering a meek smile, she flopped down on the couch next to me.
The beat of the song that had just rang through the dorm room began to fade out. I listened, trying to convince myself that these words were somehow right...
"But it's better than it was...
But it's better than it was...
I complain very little because
it's better than it was..."
"Not really..." I glanced down at it, taking a deep breath. "But it made me realize what I can do to help him get over all of this, and just let us both move on..."
*Music credits: Fastball, "Better than it was."
"What Happens Now..."
