I had this horrible dream about my grandmother (who past away 3 years ago) last night. A coroner from the hospital came to my old house in Connecticut to tell me and my brother and father, that they could not find my grandmother's body. We said that she had past away from cancer 3 years ago and we buried her. The man said that they had reason to believe that it was a suicide and her body was never really in the casket. I got in my car feeling dark and foggy. I said to my father, "So that's probably why you've been feeling her haunting you." Either in my dream or in my pre-waking, I thought, What about the peace I felt after her death and her visit to me in my dreams. After she died, I felt assured that she was resting and floating and waiting, but content. Now, I think of all these dreams where she is rotting while she is living, or she is dead but walking, or some other morbid detail. I can't figure out why. My mind has been racing with frustration. I can't believe my father and stepmother had my sister's hair cut off without her wanting it. My sweet Sunshine is a smart, witty eight-year-old and can decide whether she does or does not want her hair short or long. How anyone can see right through that and brush off her creativity and intelligence and ability to make up her own mind is beyond me!! And, as I've always felt in some sick, psychological undertone, I need to protect my siblings, it pisses me off! But wasting my energy on frustration over something I wish I had control over but don't, is pointless and that's frustrating.

What I'm reading: Anne Lammott's Bird By Bird   What I'm singing in my head: "Praise You" by Fat Boy Slim   What I'm wishing for: An apartment, a job. Is that too much to ask?   prev     next calendar